The Vintage and the Gleaning

by Jeremy Chambers

  And I’m not making any excuses for him, Smithy. I mean, certainly not for the things he’s done since. But I don’t know. It’s just that it’s like some people, nothing bad ever happens to them, people like me, or how I used to be anyway. But other people, it’s like bad things just keep happening to them, nothing ever goes right. And I’ve always known that about Brett and, I suppose, well, I’ve always had this sympathy for him and I suppose that’s why I find it so easy to overlook his faults, forgive him for things. And maybe that’s not the right thing to do, maybe it just ends up dragging me down as well, and maybe I should be more selfish, but that’s just how I am. I’m just saying that Brett hasn’t had it easy, he’s never had it easy.

  So anyway, that summer and being with Brett’s friends, like I said, I didn’t think Brett was particularly interested in me, except as a friend, but that didn’t matter because I was just happy, being with them, being one of them. But I still liked Brett a lot and I wasn’t the only one, as I said, a lot of the girls liked Brett. I mean, I could tell, and I know I was right because he told me about it later, when we were first together. You know, that time at the start, when you tell each other everything. But I could already see it, during that summer. They all looked up to Brett back then, the whole group, and I suppose it was partly because of his reputation, because nobody would ever mess with Brett, nobody in the whole town, same as now, I suppose. I suppose that’s one thing that hasn’t changed. But it wasn’t just that, it was more than that, it was because of him, the way he was back then. Because he was just so different, not like now, quiet and laid back and funny, he could be really funny. And confident too. It was like he had everything worked out, like nothing could faze him, and it didn’t, nothing ever did, and the more I got to know him, the more I was attracted to him. I mean, I think I started to fall in love with him back then, well, I know I did, before I knew he had any interest in me whatsoever. I was just too shy to let him know.

  And when I look back on it I always think how much he’s changed and it’s sad really, that he’s gone from that to how he is now, that he’s become like he is now. But I suppose things haven’t gone right for him either, same as for me and, I don’t know, I can only feel sad, because it’s hard to think he’s even the same person now. So I suppose we’re not so different in that way, I mean, how I thought everything was going to turn out so well for me, just assumed it, and I suppose Brett, well, as different as he was from me, I think he thought the same, about himself and his own life. And if you’d known him then, the way he was then, that’s how it seemed. He just seemed like the sort of person things were going to go well for, just like me.

  So there were plenty of other girls who were after Brett and they weren’t as shy as me about it, and when it happened, when it all happened, with us, I mean I really couldn’t believe that he’d chosen me. But he’d been with a lot of the other girls already, he told me about it, later, when we were together. He’d slept with most of them at one time or another, over the years, back before I knew him, but the thing is he’d never actually gone out with any of them. It was just sex. He told me he hadn’t been interested in relationships at all, not before he met me.

  That’s what he told me anyway, in the early days. Brett and I used to lie in bed all night, talking, can you believe it? I mean we hardly say a word to each other anymore, except when we fight, or I’m nagging him and I suppose that’s what starts the fights, usually. And there’s times when he goes silent, like for weeks, he can go for weeks on end, barely saying a word to me. What’s for tea, or things like that, but nothing else, and I try to talk to him and he just answers in grunts or a few words, or just ignores me, like he doesn’t even care, well probably he doesn’t.

  But back in the early days we’d lie in bed and sometimes we’d lie together in bed all night and all day, talking, making love, sleeping. It was probably our best time together. And sometimes we’d stay in bed for days on end. And it was Brett who said it, he said it was like we were on a desert island, just the two of us, and there was nobody else, just us, alone together, and that’s exactly how it felt, like we were on a desert island, and that’s what I wanted, what both of us wanted back then, just the two of us and nobody else, just me and Brett, and it was like the rest of the world wasn’t even there, didn’t even exist anymore, for us.

  And Brett used to say that he never thought he’d meet someone he wanted to be with, to only be with one person, until he met me. And he said that before he met me, he never thought he’d want to be with someone for the rest of his life, that he couldn’t imagine it before, before me. He told me that he’d fallen in love with me the moment he saw me, which was sweet and I believed him and I don’t know, maybe it was true, maybe he was just saying it because that’s what you’re meant to say, isn’t it. Because I said the same thing to him and it wasn’t really true. I mean, I was attracted to Brett from the start, but not in love, not straight away, like I told him I was, and really I don’t believe that happens to anyone. But maybe it was true, for him, maybe he was in love with me from the start, or thought he was. Maybe he still is in love with me, despite the way he acts, despite everything that’s happened and the way we are now. I mean he’s still with me, isn’t he. Even now, he’s still hanging around, after everything that’s happened. So it’s possible, I suppose it is possible.

  But truth be told I can’t help feeling that maybe Brett thinks he made a mistake as well, same as me, about us, about all of it. Maybe he really shouldn’t have ever been with anyone, like he said, maybe he was right and that’s why things haven’t worked out, or one of the reasons anyway. And I know I haven’t been a good wife to him and really when I think about it I was probably the worst choice for Brett. I mean, if he’d chosen one of those town girls, you know, who didn’t expect much, just to be with him, probably one of them would have been a better match. They would probably put up with everything, never complain, and be happy just being a housewife for him. Not like me, because I’ll never be like that. That would never be enough. Not for me.

  And I know I blame Brett, but it’s because I’m unhappy, because I feel like I’ve missed out on life. And I blame Brett, but really I blame myself for marrying him in the first place, it’s just that most of the time I forget that, that it’s my fault and I think it’s all his fault, that he’s made everything go wrong, and so I blame him, I take it all out on him. I mean, I get so angry, even over the smallest things, and sometimes I just can’t stand the sight of him, I can’t bear having him around. It’s like I hate him and that’s how I feel, like I absolutely hate him and I think I really do sometimes, and he must know that. I mean I actually say it to his face, I tell him I hate him, when we argue, when my blood’s up, and I mean it. I do hate him, at those times. And so I say it and I take it back later, most of the time, but he must know it, that I do actually mean it, that when I say that I hate him it’s how I really do feel.

  And maybe that’s why he goes silent like he does. It’s the same way my father used to go silent when my mother was nagging him or criticising him and I suppose I do the same to Brett. I do exactly the same thing, really. Well they say you turn out like your parents, don’t they? So maybe I’m just like my mother, and God that’s a terrible thought. I always used to say to myself, promise myself, ever since I was little, that I would never turn out like my mother, the way she treated my father. I mean I suppose she was miserable too, same as me, and she couldn’t admit that she was unhappy, but the way she used to talk, it was like she was perfect, like everything she did or said was right and everyone else was in the wrong. And my father, it was like he was always in the wrong, all the time, everything he did. Every little thing. And that’s a lot like me, now. I’m the same, the way I am with Brett. And maybe I was terrified I would turn out like my mother because I knew that I would, because maybe I have.

  And maybe I hurt Brett far more than I think I do. It’s just the way he ignores me, it doesn’t seem like I’m even getting through to h
im, and then the more he ignores me the worse I get, but maybe I do hurt him, only he doesn’t want to show it, maybe that’s why he never says anything. But I never think of that at the time. It’s only since he’s been in prison, I suppose I’ve had time to think, because these things, what I’m saying, they’re all things I’ve only really started thinking about recently, and it’s the first time I’ve wondered, well, maybe it’s me who’s the problem, or partly me, as much as Brett, rather than how I’ve always been before, thinking it’s his fault, blaming it all on him, everything, everything that’s gone wrong, everything that’s wrong in my life.

  So now I wonder whether Brett regrets marrying me, whether he thinks he’s the one who made the mistake. But before all this, having this time on my own, I really never thought about what Brett might be thinking, that he would think anything like that, probably because he never says anything, because it’s always me, always me doing the talking and always me telling him how unhappy I am, how miserable I am with him, with my life. And blaming it all on him. And I can go on and on and I never give a thought to what Brett might be thinking, that he might be thinking the same thing as me. That he made a mistake and that it’s me making him miserable, and I suppose the way he acts now, acting like I’m not even there sometimes, staying away from the house with his mates or drinking in the pubs by himself, just hardly ever around, maybe that means it’s true, maybe it’s all true and maybe it is me.

  I mean Brett has his faults, he’s got plenty of faults, but it’s not like I’ve ever done anything to support him, to try and make things better for him, or easier on him. I’ve just expected him to do the right thing by me and look after me, and it’s true he’s always let me down, but is that really his fault in the end? I mean, I expected more, but he didn’t know that, he never knew that. I suppose I assume he sees things like I do, that he wants more, like I do, but maybe he doesn’t and maybe he never did, maybe this is all he wanted, just being together with me. So perhaps he just doesn’t understand, I mean why I’m always going on at him, why I’m so unhappy all the time, why I blame him for everything. Perhaps he just doesn’t understand what he’s done that’s so wrong. What he’s done to make me hate him so much.

  But the sad thing is, I mean, even after I’ve had this time to think it all through, the sad thing is that I can’t see anything changing. It all seems too late. The damage is already done and I can’t fix it and Brett can’t fix it. It’s just how it is and there’s nothing we can do about it. There’s nothing anyone can do.

  And those things he used to say in the early days, at the start. It was sweet and romantic and maybe he was only saying what he thought he was meant to say, but of course I didn’t think of that at the time, I didn’t know it’s what everyone says when you’re like that, starting out, in love, or think you’re in love, and so I believed it, I believed it all and it made me feel so special and I used to ask him, why me? Why did he pick me, when there were all those other girls? What was so special about me?

  And he used to say it was because of who I was, because I was me and because I was different from those other girls. And he told me he’d never met anyone like me before. And at the time it made me feel so special and so close to him and it was so nice, just me and Brett in bed together and him saying those things and I had never felt like that before, not ever. It all seemed so romantic at the time, like it should have, I suppose, how it’s meant to be, whether it’s real or not.

  And the thing is, I think he did actually mean it, what he said. About why he chose me and that it was because of who I was and because I was different and that he’d never met anyone like me before. I think that was all true. But when I think about it now, I think that maybe it’s not quite how it seems, how Brett meant it. Because the thing is, I actually was different from those other girls, those town girls, and Brett probably hadn’t met anyone like me before, but it was because he never had a chance to. I mean, you know, my family, me, where I went to school, the way I was brought up. And because I had nice clothes and I looked after myself, my hair, my skin, watched my weight. Some of those girls were pretty, but they just didn’t look after themselves. They lived off takeaway food and they drank and smoked, they didn’t know how to put on make-up properly and they were sort of rough too, the way they spoke and acted. So in the end, I think it was all of that, all of those things, and I see it so clearly now. I mean I didn’t at the time, not at all. I only saw my faults back then and that I was shy compared to the other girls, and less confident and less experienced. Like I said, I felt like I didn’t know anything about life, not compared to them. But I think that for Brett it was all true what he said, because I really wasn’t like anyone he’d met before. I just never thought of myself in that way. But for Brett, I think I can see why now.

  So there was a time before and there was a time after that, and that summer was in the middle of it all and it was a happy time for me, and in the time after, when Brett and I were first married and living at his cousin’s place in Melbourne, that time, it was more than a happy time, something more, the time we were in love, both of us, so much in love and past and future, none of it mattered, it was just then, that time, being together, that was all that mattered.

  And Brett and I would lie in bed all day or we would go down to St Kilda beach and it was like we couldn’t be apart, couldn’t bear to be apart, not for a moment, always together, and everything we did we did together, and so we lay in bed and talked and made love and everything was new for me, it was a whole new world and a whole new life and I was only sixteen and had only known home and the boarding house and now suddenly that was all in the past, and it all felt so wonderful and unexpected, that this was my life now and I was married and a woman and free, free to do anything, and everything had changed and I couldn’t believe that this was my life now, and I thought that this was how my life was always going to be.

  So we’d go to the beach or we’d explore the city together, go into the shops and just look at things and I’d try on clothes and make-up and perfume and Brett enjoyed being with me, doing those things, and he’d tell me what he thought of the clothes and smell the perfumes on my arm and it was the same for him as it was for me, a whole new life, getting away from this town and being together and in love and free, because it was freedom for him too, it was the same. It was the same for both of us.

  And we’d sit at cafés and drink coffee or wine, there was this cheap Italian wine we used to like that came in a bottle with gold wire around it, and we’d buy a bottle of wine and sit at a table outside the café and stay there all afternoon talking and I felt so grown up and sophisticated and Brett would smoke and make comments about the people walking past and make me laugh, and we’d talk all the time, we’d never stop talking and I can’t even remember what we talked about, but we had so much to say back then.

  Then at night, sharing the same bed, having Brett in bed next to me all night, every night, my husband. And it was only a single bed so we were always close and wrapped around each other and I felt we were so much together and I was so much in love and I had never thought or imagined anything like that time or what it was like to be in love and I couldn’t believe that Brett was in love with me, that someone could want me and want me so much to be with me all the time and forever and I couldn’t believe it was happening to me and I never thought it would end and there was this feeling I had, as though anything, everything was possible. Like everything was possible for me and for us, like anything could happen, like we could do anything we wanted and it would all keep on going, on and on. That it would all go on forever.

  And I don’t know what happened to that. But somewhere, somehow, it all went away, slowly, but not so slowly, because it didn’t last long, that time, not long at all, and the feeling went, and the joy and the freedom and the newness of it all, and so it’s all gone now, it all went a long time ago, and just a memory now. But there was a time, there was, and it just seemed to fade into nothing, but there was a time and,
despite everything, I do have that and I wouldn’t change it, if I had my time over, I wouldn’t change it for the world. So at least I have that. I’ll always have that.

  But now, what can I say about now, because I hardly ever think about now and about what’s happened since, and there’s no story, just days going by, everything so much the same that I can’t remember one day from another, over all these years, every day the same but getting older and tired and falling apart, between me and Brett, and inside me too. Older and tired and fading and everything quieter and the feelings gone and like some part of me died inside and still dying, day by day, less and less of me, just the days and getting by, getting through it, going on and both of us unhappy but nothing we can do about it, nothing. So all gone, at the end of things and at the end of things for so long now, and I just wait, feeling nothing, not caring anymore, just waiting for it all to end.

  So it hasn’t been easy, none of it has been easy. I could never say that. And I don’t try, not anymore, I’ve stopped trying, just let it happen, let it all happen as though I’m not even there. It all just happens to me and I feel like I’m watching my life, watching it pass but not living it anymore, never actually living it.

  And it was Brett who was supposed to be the strong one and I thought he was, and at the start maybe, but only at the very start, and now it’s like he’s weaker than me and I know how it seems, but really he’s so weak, he’s only just hanging on and so it’s me who’s become the strong one and Brett just runs away from it all and I’m the one who knows and who suffers with the knowing. Because Brett doesn’t want to know, but I do, I have to and so I’m the one who suffers. I suffer for the both of us.