Rick Cantelli, P.I. (Rick Cantelli, P.I. Detectives Book 1)

by Bernard DeLeo

  Small doubt about that. Now I have another dead body on my tab with the PD. There’s some good news. I went over the report with my freedom in mind, made a few changes, and printed out two copies. I headed for Lo’s office, only to be stopped by our newly back from sick leave secretary.

  “Are you okay, Rick? The detective told me you were shot in the back.”

  “I’m better than the guy that shot me.” I bit back a few other rude retorts. “I have to go over this with Lo. I’m fine, Shell. Go back to work.”

  “Will… will you be going to aerobics class tonight with us?”

  Shit, I forgot about that stupid class. It was now mandatory with movie star Karen attending before all of us going over to the Café. The Collinswoods had loved the idea of financial partners and renaming the place with a Hollywood memorabilia makeover. It was now called The Collinswoods Present Rick’s Casablanca Café. “I don’t know, Shell.”

  Lois’s door was open, so I walked in, closed the door, and set the report in front of her. I then eased into a chair across from her, keeping my face in neutral. The aspirin hadn’t kicked in yet. “Let me have your honest opinion, Lo. Since that guy died, I want Staley to have something he really likes.”

  Lois was an analyst for the CIA so it didn’t take her long to go over my report. “This is damn good, Rick. Staley will have the trail mapped out for him, complete with phone numbers and addresses for the Whittiers. I briefed Carol Whittier, and told her she was wrong about the warehouse. She found out Floyd’s been seeing a chiropractor two times a week without telling her. How’s the back?”

  “Sore. Worse was the sled ride on my face through that hazardous waste dump. I’m wondering which drug cartel I pissed off with this unplanned meth lab bust.”

  Lois nodded. “Yeah, I see Kneepad made her appearance out of the crack-head dimension she flits in and out of reality from. Best be on guard, Rick. When that canary starts singin’ to keep out of jail, she’ll probably have you as the kingpin. It won’t stick, but it’ll mean more lawyer fees. Want me to call Cleaver and put him on alert?”

  “Not yet. Bill seemed pretty happy with the bust. He and I made a deal after my last adventure. He put me on official file as his C.I. to cover any good tips I come across to keep him on track for Captain. That means he gets this meth lab bust.”

  “You’re right. He should be looking real good with that one. That’s a little tricky being a PD confidential informant, and keeping our clients separated from police intervention. We could sure use a Captain Staley in the PD though.”

  “Amen to that. You’re right about Stacy. She’s flat out nuts. Seeing her come out of the lab surprised me more than my walking into the warehouse looking for a cheating spouse and finding a meth lab. The only thing I can figure is she made some kind of a deal to stay in the area without getting a round in the back of the head. Maybe I should marry her to keep her out of trouble.”

  I smiled as Lois whooped it up, pointing a finger at me. “I double dog dare you, Cantelli! You even hint at that openly, and I get my shotgun out. You’ll be Mr. Kneepad for the shotgun wedding. Karen can be maid of honor. You’ll probably need to call in extra security. Stacy does draw some dangerous on-lookers. It’s too bad the government doesn’t have an adopt a skank program. You could write Kneepad off on your taxes. We have an aerobics class, and then Casablanca night over at the café tonight. I know you must be sore as hell, but I’d like to see how your killing another bad guy affects our very lucrative new investment. It’s really been a hit so far.”

  No kidding. We had a line out the door most of the night when we did our Casablanca night special. Fridays, the day we picked for it, had gotten rave reviews in the entertainment pages for the past month we’d been doing them. I admit playing the Humphrey Bogart part while mingling with the customers was the most fun I’d had in a long time. Karen and Jadie dressed in style too. New offers were pouring in for Karen since her picture appeared everywhere now. She dressed as Lois had suggested, playing the Madeleine Lebeau part of Rick’s cast off girlfriend, while Jadie played Rick’s love Ilsa. It was a hoot. Tim Collinswood had found a Captain Louis Renault policeman’s uniform that looked just like the one in the movie. He and his wife Sally seemed to be having the time of their lives too on Casablanca night. Lois and Frank dressed in forties style gown and double breasted suit. That Frank happily attended every Casablanca night proved it was a hit.

  “I’ll do it. Most of the exercises are great stretching tools. I’m not too crazy about Jadie having Karen and I in the front though. Hey, what do you mean by gauging how my killing a bad guy affects business? Do you know something I don’t?”

  Lois handed me the newspaper. I’d made the front page. The headlines led with ‘Private Eye Killer Rick Cantelli shoots up a meth lab with one fatality’. “Oh boy. At least they gave Staley a solid role in what happened, stating I was acting under him as a confidential informant, and that he led the SWAT team down into the lab. How in hell could they get this inside info?”

  “Staley thinks it was the department’s CSI guys that leaked it. He apologized for it.”

  “Gee, Lo, that’ll do me a lot of good. Maybe I should change into my bulls-eye shirt for the cartel hit-man they send for me. Well, he won’t be able to rake me over the coals for another killing. I’ll go drop off the report.”

  “You wearin’ your vest, Rick?”

  “No.”

  “Best put it on.”

  I stood carefully. “Maybe you’re right. What’s Shelly’s problem this morning. She seems a little clingy today.”

  Lois did a five second cackle. “She came in all pissed off about not having a dress up part for Casablanca nights, asking me if you were blocking her from having a part with Jadie and Karen. Then she saw the newspaper, and took the call from Staley. She corralled me into busting in on you. Best tap that, Romeo, before her infatuation with you starts affecting her office work.”

  Yeah, that’s all I need. “Forget it. I have enough complications. Adding her to them ain’t happening.”

  “You’re probably right. Has Jadie broken you down yet?”

  “Nope. Too young. She’s increased the heat in her campaign, but is getting nowhere. What is it with you sticking your nose into my social life?”

  “I don’t want you marrying that nitwit Hollywood whore of a sister I have.”

  Again with the sister Karen cranky act. “I thought you and Karen were getting along now that we’re in business at the café together.”

  “I admit she’s growing on me, but that doesn’t mean I want her around all the time. She plays the floozy cast off girlfriend Madeleine like she was born for it on Casablanca night. If we can keep this going for a year we’ll already have our investment back. So, don’t get killed.”

  “I’ll make a note. Karen’s the one driving the whole thing. Jadie is doing her part, but having a movie star hanging out at the café is a plus, Lo. She’s never hinted at wanting anything more than a few dates with me. I think her main reason for seeing me was the same as mine – to make you mental.”

  Lo snorted. “Mission accomplished. Get out of here and go see how Staley’s doing. Don’t forget your vest.”

  “Aye, aye, Capitan.”

  Shelly met me outside Lo’s office. She’s been working out steady at the aerobics class with Lo and I. It shows. “Lo probably told you I was mad about not getting an official Casablanca night part. I blamed you and that was stupid. Sorry.”

  “You have your own Madigan/Cantelli pass to get in with us. Frank and Lo dress in forties style and they don’t have parts. Hell, most of the customers have been getting into playing dress-up. The place is starting to look like the movie. What we need is a piano and a ‘Sam’.”

  “You’re right, and finding a ‘Sam’ would be ideal. Maybe Karen has some contacts to help out with finding the right guy.”

  Not bad. “I’ll keep that in mind. Thanks.”

  Shelly put her hand on my shoulder. “I coul
d make Casablanca Rick beg for mercy.”

  Okay, for a second there the pain in my back went away. “Don’t make me bring my Bogey out on you. Get to work.”

  She laughed and swayed provocatively to her desk. I looked away, only to see Lo standing there at her office door grinning. Spock-ella strikes again.

  * * *

  Staley shook his head at me from his desk. “Sorry about the headlines, killer.”

  I’d been set up, as he had said it louder than necessary, and a group chortle broke out at the nearby desks. I set the report down in front of him. I sat in the chair near his desk while he looked it over. I smiled when he sighed with that discontented look on his face.

  “Damn it, Rick, your reports make us look bad. You don’t miss a single detail. This is excellent. I’m of course going to steal it verbatim. Thanks for writing it as if from my perspective.”

  “What can I say, I’m a frustrated writer, and I wanted to stay out of jail. You may have noticed by this bulge I have under my suit shirt that I’m wearing my vest. How are we making sure Rick will be safe in Cantelli land?”

  Staley grinned. “That’s where you caught a break. No cartel. It was a private enterprise your girlfriend ratted out in two seconds flat. It seems she gathered intel while working in the lab so she’d have something to trade. The DA cut her a deal when her info led us to the guys responsible for the lab. Lucky you.”

  Oh boy is Lo going to blow a gasket over this. It’s good news for me. “Thanks, Bill. You’ve made my day.”

  “I saw the way you sat down. Those slugs in the back making your day too, killer?”

  “Oh baby.”

  “Sue and I are attending the Casablanca night. You better be at the café in your ice cream suit and your best Bogey face. We want a nice table and no waiting.”

  I waved him off. “I can’t play favorites with the customers, Detective Staley, especially ones who tag me with killer nicknames.”

  Staley laughed. “We’re coming. Have our table ready. Now, get out of here before I put your girlfriend in your custody.”

  “Lo’s head will explode already when she finds out Stacy made a deal to keep out of prison. I’m not sure I want to be the one to tell her either.”

  That really made Staley smile. “Yeah… I’ll bet.”

  * * *

  “Oh… my… God!” Lois’s lips were seamed together in a slash with her hands balled into white knuckled fists. “If the damn coppers would do their jobs instead of making deals, we wouldn’t have a crime problem! I’m issuing a shoot on sight order for that old tart!”

  It was all I could do to keep my face in neutral. I curled my toes, tensed every muscle in my body. Nothing worked. I started laughing and couldn’t stop even through two Lois head slaps.

  Lois took out her stun-gun nightstick. “I’m warning you, Rick. I’ll light your ass up.”

  That only made me laugh harder, until she fired off an arc. I scooted back, my hands in placating fashion. “Don’t Tase me, bro! Don’t Tase me!”

  Lois sighed and jammed her nightstick into the top drawer again. “I can’t believe it was me who first took the phone call that started all this from Kneepad.”

  “We take the good with the bad, Lo. You’re letting Stacy screw with your head. You go nuts every time you hear her name now, although I have to admit, this latest escape she orchestrated is beyond belief. I’m lucky Staley raided those guys she ratted out. The criminal part of this seems to be over now. Think about how this could have unfolded.”

  “Yeah, you could have been in prison, or dead by cartel.” Lois paused for effect. “And of course there was that header through warehouse floor slop… ahhhh… good times.”

  Good one. That screwed my face into a mask of distaste. “Thanks, Lo. I needed that.”

  “You’re right about Stacy. I have to keep Kneepad from making me foam at the mouth. Are you going to meet us over at Jadie’s?”

  I nodded. “I’m going home, and throw down a few more aspirin. I’ll see you at the class.”

  “Things will be better tomorrow. Steve and a few others of our crew will be back at work. Are you going to take Shelly home until class?”

  No, and hell no. “Let’s just part company without anymore comments, shall we, Lo?”

  “If you insist, killer.”

  I exited in defeat to the usual accompanying cackle.

  * * *

  “Jesus, Rick!”

  Jadie had snuck behind me while I was stretching, and lifted the back of my sleeveless pullover. I could imagine what she saw. I pulled my shirt back down in place. “That’s sexual harassment, J. I know my rights.”

  “I…I heard you were shot. Those vests don’t stop everything.”

  “Saved my life. I can’t ask for more than that. I guess Lo called to ask you if I could get out of class front duty.”

  She nodded. “Of course. You stay back with Lois and Shelly. Karen’s coming, so we’ll handle the front of the class demonstration. I read the headlines today. Lois seems worried your killer status, drummed up in the news again, will affect business at the café.”

  “Don’t you?”

  Jadie grinned. “Mark my words. Tonight will be the biggest night we’ve had. People love possible disaster scenes. Look, I know you don’t do business this way, but your old girlfriend set some very dangerous things in motion that have led to violent outcomes with you on top. People go to car races to see crashes not car races. You’re achieving Wyatt Earp status, partner. I’d toast your marshmallows in a nanosecond if you’d let me, Wyatt.”

  “Let’s not ruin this very profitable partnership by complicating it, J.”

  Jadie giggled. “Okay… okay, but if you ever want to take a walk on the wild side, give me a call.”

  I spotted Lois and Shelly walking toward us, gym bags in hand, and knowing expressions in place. “I see my workout companions on their way over, J. Let’s shelve the wild side talk, okay? I’m a geezer, and proud of it. Geezers don’t walk on the wild side. We created the wild side.”

  She laughed and patted my shoulder. “Good one, killer. Hello girls. I’m glad you both made it. Class members have grown to fill the building since the café addition. See you all later.”

  Jadie walked off with a wave. The class was filing in steadily now to our workout room.

  “We saw her feeling you up, killer,” Lois jabbed me with her verbal dagger. “Are you okay?”

  “We hurried once we saw the attack,” Shelly added with a smile. I guess Lois had schooled her on the fact she would get nowhere with the spurned attitude.

  “Yes. Thank you for saving me, my friends. I-”

  “Hey… killer Cantelli!”

  Oh good, new additions to my perfect day. Two guys face off with me. They’re dressed for aerobics class, but I’d never seen them before. Lois yanked Shelly behind her. These two are around my height, a little pudgy, in their thirties, both with dark hair long, one with receding hairline. He took the lead.

  “Hi guys, ready for class?” This can’t be too serious. The one guy has a madras t-shirt on.

  Receding hairline speaks. “Me and my partner, Biff, wanted to find out the scoop on you, killer. You’re pretty bad, huh?”

  I grimace and step back away from him. “Not as bad as that breath of yours, partner. Tic Tac, brother, Tic Tac!”

  Lois of course starts cackling while Shelly is wide-eyed cringing behind her. Yeah, Shelly is never doing field work.

  Lead guy glowers back at Lois and then gives me the jiving head tilted back menacing, half lidded stare. “Killer Cantelli? You don’t look like you could kill a fly with a bomb.”

  I start chuckling. I can’t help it. “You are so cute. Hey, this is a big mistake. I’m Humphrey Bogart. I don’t know who this Cantelli guy is you’re talking about. Just call me Bogey.”

  I stick out my hand for a shake, but Lois loses it and begins that annoying braying laugh of hers. Receding hairline bats away my hand as we’re starting to dr
aw a crowd.

  “Don’t play me shithead!”

  He reaches for my shirt, and I have him down on the floor in my very painful finger lock in a second. Biff starts forward, only to catch a chop to the throat from the no longer amused Lois. He hits the deck with both hands at his throat, croaking for breath. I lean into my buddy with a little extra twist on his hand.

  “Did you and Biff decide to do this stunt on your own, or did someone send you? Don’t lie to me, because I’ll know, and then I break a couple fingers, Tootsie.”

  “No!” Tootsie didn’t like my pressure. “Some old broad paid us to bust your chops… uh… Stacy… her name was Stacy!”

  Lois starts braying in laughter again. I help Tootsie to a standing position.

  “Get Biff on his feet and get out of here. Lo stop cackling and take our picture.”

  I help Tootsie get Biff standing. I pose in between them for a picture by Shelly because Lois is in tears, laughing so hard I figure she’ll pull a muscle. I pat Tootsie’s shoulder.

  “Go on and get out of here. I have your pictures. If you see that old broad again, steer clear of her like she has the plague.”

  Tootsie nodded, helping the still gasping Biff toward the exit.

  I sighed as Lois has still not stopped braying. Just another day in Cantelli land.

  Chapter 10: Casablanca Night Gone Bad

  At the café I walked in with Karen and Jadie. Dressed in costume, the two women kept a little behind me, in deference to my Rick character from Casablanca. I wore my white suit coat, black dress pants, and dress bowtie. Karen dressed in sultry black off the shoulder style, and slit up to mid thigh gown. Jadie wore red, what there was of it. The dress was spaghetti strapped with bare back, and v-cut to her navel in the front. Lois and Frank enjoyed my initial refusal to even walk in with Jadie near me. She giggled and whacked me on the back of the head.

  As our Casablanca custom dictated, many of the customers met us at the door. Karen signed autographs, and we all posed with anyone wanting a picture with us. Even Lois was impressed with how down to earth Karen acted with her fans. She enjoyed it all, working out at the center, good naturedly sweating along with everyone else through the class. We had our little act going with Jadie turned away from me, arms crossed, while Karen leaned into me as she signed autographs. Tim Collinswood joined us in his Captain Louis Renault costume, with Sally on his arm. They were a happy couple. It was great seeing them relaxed and having fun with this.