Where You Can Find Me

by Cole, Fiona

  Christmas was coming up and I still had some shopping to do. I only had to get gifts for Evie and Jameson in the past. And now I had Jack to add to my list. It felt good to have a boyfriend to buy for. I loved giving gifts. Now I just needed to figure out what to get him. In the meantime, I still needed to have a conversation with Jameson about what he said to Jack on Friday. The sooner we had the argument, the better, with Christmas right around the corner. Today we were meeting at King’s for our Sunday lunch and I figured I would head there early to have it out before Evie arrived.

  Chapter Sixteen

  All This and Heaven Too - Florence and the Machine

  On my way to King’s I worked myself up to being just as pissed off as I was at the time I discovered Jameson’s overbearing ways. He thought he was being so damn protective of me and instead he gave Jack the idea I was some raging alcoholic. I knew I’d made mistakes in the past but I worked hard to overcome everything and be a better version of me. It was about damn time that he started treating me the way I deserved. He needed to see me for who I was now and not what I did in the past. I worked hard to leave it behind and he kept bringing it up and unintentionally shoving it in my face.

  I angrily ignored all my surroundings as I whipped open the door to the bar and stomped my way in. Music played softly from the sound system. When I didn’t see him behind the bar I headed toward the back where the supply closet and kitchen were located. My boot heels rang loudly in the empty bar as I rounded the corner to peek into the supply closet first and stopped fucking dead.

  Holy.

  Fucking.

  Shit.

  My brother had one hand grasped firmly on Evie’s bare ass and another shoved between her legs under her panties. I had an epic view since her skirt was hiked up to her waist. Her blouse hung open as Jameson buried his head between her cleavage. Evie had her head thrown back against the wall with her eyes closed. “Oh, God. Fuck me, Jameson. Please.”

  “Aaaangahhh.” I sounded like I had choked on my own tongue, but I needed to make some noise to make it stop. Oh, God. Make it stop.

  Evie screamed as she jerked up and saw me. Jameson pulled his hand out from between Evie’s legs and muttered, “Fuck,” before setting Evie down and rearranging his pants.

  “Oh, God.” My voice came out high pitched and panicked as my mouth hung open before turning to rush back out to the dining room. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. I wanted to burn the images from my mind.

  Evie came chasing out after me. “Shit, Lu. I’m sorry. I didn’t expect you to be here early.”

  “Obviously.” She sighed and gave me a look that told me not to give her shit. But holy hell, I just walked in on her and my brother about to get it on. I pressed my fingers to my eyes and tried to will the image away. “God, Evie! Blech! You know I don’t give a shit it happened. I’m just beyond horrified that I saw it happening.” I couldn’t stop the disgusted noises coming from my mouth as I made gagging motions.

  “Well to set your mind at ease, I’m not going at it with Jameson behind your back. It just sort of happened.” She shrugged her shoulders. She seemed pretty confused and I figured we would talk later. As Jameson walked up beside her I realized now wasn’t the time. “What are you doing here so early anyways?”

  I gave a pointed stare to Jameson and said, “I came to talk to Jameson about some unresolved issues we have.”

  Jameson rolled his eyes while Evie threw her hands up in the air. “Oh, yeah. I know what you want to talk about and I’m not staying around for that.” She walked over to the bar and collected her purse. “I’ll tell you what—I’ll let you guys have this family lunch alone today to have that fun argument and I’ll catch up with you next week.” Right before she walked out the door she turned and blew me a kiss, not acknowledging Jameson at all. Interesting. I figured she hauled ass out of here to give us some space as well as to ignore him.

  I turned to look at Jameson and saw him staring at the closed door and flexing his jaw. He looked pissed. Well, that made two of us. Walking in on that horrifying sight might have distracted me from my anger at the moment but now that Evie had left I could feel my rage building. “How could you?” my raised voice got his attention back on me.

  He lifted his hands up and dropped them back down to his sides in a hopeless gesture. “I don’t know what you want me to say, Lu. She just came in here and it’s not like I planned on anything with her.” He dragged both hands up into his hair in frustration. “She pushes and pushes and I pushed back and the next thing you know I have her against—”

  “”Stop!” I scrunched my eyes closed and hold up my hand. “Just stop! That isn’t what I’m talking about.”

  “Then what the hell has you so damn pissed?”

  “What has me so damn pissed, Jameson?” My voice dropped to a low quiet tone which usually meant I was about to lose it. “What has me so pissed, Ja-me-son, is that you feel the need to share my damn business like you have any right. What the hell did you think you were doing asking Jack if I had been drinking a lot lately? Huh!?” My voice crescendoed throughout my rant and ended in a yell at the end.

  Understanding crossed his face. He took a breath and looked like he was going to talk but I kept going with my anger. I knew he was my older brother and felt protective of me, but it needed to stop. He crossed a line Friday night that couldn’t be crossed again. “No! You don’t get to talk. You have, obviously, done enough talking. It was six god-damned years ago. When will you let it go? When will I be able to officially let go of my mistakes, my grief, and move on? When will you stop expecting the worst of me and doubting me and waiting for me to fuck up again? Huh? When will you let me move the fuck on? We all grieved in our own ways and just because it was easy for you to move on after becoming an impenetrable fucking rock that had no emotions and therefore couldn’t make mistakes, doesn’t mean I couldn’t make mine. It doesn’t mean I should have you hanging over my shoulder, harassing the people in my life, forever.”

  My chest heaved with the breaths coming in and out so quickly. I had been holding it all in for so long, feeling so guilty over what I had put him through that I just put up with his overbearing ways. It felt good to let it out. But looking at Jameson scared me. He stood to his full imposing height and his dark eyebrows slashed over his dark eyes. He looked to be breathing just as hard as I was. He struggled to remain in control of his anger and I hadn’t ever seen Jameson lose his temper before. Not really.

  He took one last deep breath that apparently had done nothing to calm him because the next thing I knew he unleashed his own anger. “You think it was easy for me to move on?” He laughed a humorless laugh before starting again, almost yelling this time. “You think it was fucking easy for me to move on? How, Luella? How the fuck was it easy for me to move on, when watching you self destruct for the next damned year constantly reminded me of what we had lost? Yes, Luella. Fucking we. I know Asher was your Irish twin, but he was also my brother, my fucking brother! And after losing both Mom and Dad and it being just the three of us it hurt like hell to lose Asher. And it hurt like hell to live, for a year, on the edge of losing the last fucking family member I had. Do you remember what it was like when Asher deployed? Every phone call from an unknown number had us on edge in case it was someone to tell us the worst news. When Asher died, you didn’t have to worry about that phone call anymore. But I still did. Every day that you continued to self-destruct and be reckless with your life, I feared every damn phone call. And while you couldn’t have cared less about being alive anymore, all I wanted was to hold on to whatever I had left. I wanted to hold on to you. We were all we had left and you didn’t give two shits that I was still here. I’ve always fucking been here.

  “And then the phone call came. It was like losing that last fucking string of hope. So, mother-fucking excuse me for holding onto you too damn tight. Excuse me for wanting to make sure you don’t try to leave me again.” He leaned closer to me, punctuating each sentence with a finger jabbed
in his chest. “I’m sorry I seemed impenetrable to you, but all I was trying to do was be strong enough for the both of us. If you didn’t think I was dying inside with each and every death we suffered then you’re a damn fool.”

  Tears streamed down my face as my breaths hiccuped in my chest. I had no idea and now Jameson stood a foot in front of me yelling at me. I guess he had his own rage he had been holding in. And while he was wrong to tell Jack what he did, I had been a selfish bitch for so long thinking I was the only person grieving. I wanted to tell him the words, but I sobbed too hard to get anything out. I felt so small and so much the fool Jameson called me.

  “I’m sorry,” I gasped out between sobs. “I’m so, so sorry.” My shoulders dropped forward and I buried my face in my hands. The next thing I knew, arms enveloped me tightly and pulled me close to a hard chest that would always feel like home no matter how angry he got at me. His chest vibrated with the same release of emotion that coursed through me.

  “Fuck, Lu. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that. I’m sorry.” His hand held on to the back of my head while the other soothed up and down my back. “I’m having a shitty week and you caught me off guard and I lost my cool. I’m sorry. Forgive me. Please.”

  “Jameson, I had no idea you felt that way because I am a fool. I’m a selfish fool and I’m sorry. You have nothing to apologize for.” After a pause I pulled my head back to look at him. “Actually, you do need to be sorry for telling Jack. You can’t do that. You can talk to me. Why do you think we do these family lunches every other Sunday? So we can talk. So you can’t intervene like that again. I would have told Jack eventually, but I was forced to tell him sooner than I wanted to because of what you said. It was my mistakes and my story to tell in my own time.”

  After a deep breath he apologized. “I’m sorry, Lu. I know sometimes I go too far and I will try not to.” He leaned down to place a kiss on the top of my head. “I love you. Like I said, we’re all the family we have left.” We both calmed down and I wiped my face. He stepped back and asked what I wanted for lunch, breaking the emotional moment.

  “Just a salad with ranch.” He raised his eyebrow in question, knowing I usually eat more. “Okay, the crab cake salad with ranch and a side of sweet potato fries.” The chef, who made the wise choice to ignore the yelling going on earlier and stayed in the back, brought our food out. We ate mostly in silence, making small talk about the bar and my research. He had no understanding of my molecular research, but he listened and always asked questions. We avoided any more heavy talk about our argument and Evie. Frankly, I didn’t want to know. As long as he didn’t hurt her and she didn’t hurt him, I was fine. I didn’t need details. Something I would have to make very clear to Evie when I saw her next.

  Eventually he asked the other topic I hoped to avoid: Jack. I tried to be evasive and play it off as nothing, but even though we weren’t as close as Asher and I were, he still knew when I didn’t completely tell the truth. So, without too many details, I told him that Jack made me feel happy and hopeful for the first time in a long time. He seemed both content and worried with that answer. I figured as long as he didn’t disapprove or get upset by any of it, then I would be accepting of his worry.

  “Are you going to bring him over for Christmas?” Jameson and I spent Christmas together every year, usually just the two of us. Sometimes Evie would join us. He would come over early Christmas morning and I would make breakfast before we opened presents. Later, since I never worked, I would go into the bar and help him bartend that night. It was an unconventional tradition, but it was ours and I loved it.

  “No. He has family in Texas and mentioned going back home for a few days. I didn’t even offer.” I gave a wry smile at my hesitance. Even though my feelings had become stronger the more we saw each other, it had only been a little over a month and I didn’t want to seem overeager or push it too far.

  “That’s good.” I tilted my head in question as to why it was good that I didn’t have my boyfriend over for Christmas? “What? I’m not ready to share our Christmases with anyone else. I apparently have to cherish this one since it will probably be our last one with just the two of us. I’ll never see you. Ever again.” He brought the back of his hand to his forehead and fell back in his chair, dramatically fainting.

  I rolled my eyes at his antics. “Whatever. Sometimes we have Evie when she doesn’t make it out to California. And even if by some miracle Jack and I are still together next year, I will always keep with our Christmas tradition. Besides,” I looked in his eyes so he could recognize the seriousness of my words, “we’re all the family we have left. No matter who is there and who isn’t, it’s always us.”

  He tipped his head in that manly way only guys can pull off to let me know he understood and reciprocated my feelings. “Good, because if you ever leave me alone with Evelyn on Christmas I will never forgive you.”

  We both laughed and enjoyed the rest of our lunch knowing we most likely wouldn’t see each other until Christmas. Finally, we said our goodbyes and moved on from the earlier argument that had happened. We ignored what I’d walked in on and promised to see each other in three weeks on Christmas morning.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Feel Again - OneRepublic

  The next three weeks flew by. It seemed long, not only because so much had happened, but because it had happened so fast. I had sparse communication with Jameson since we were both so busy preparing for the holidays. I saw Evie a couple of times for lunch and we never mentioned me walking in on her and my brother. We tried to see each other more before she took off to spend a week in California with her mom and the rest of her family for the holidays. She didn’t want to go but she since she hadn’t the year before, she needed to this time. Evie had a great family but a tense relationship with her mom and didn’t necessarily enjoy spending time with her.

  “She’s my mom. So even though I don’t like her, I still love her.” She repeated this saying more times that I could count. I wasn’t sure if she said it to convince herself or if it was actually true. Either way, she came home a little defeated. I always let her know she could spend the holidays with Jameson and me, but she held strong. Before she left I gave her a new set of drawing pencils. The way she’d squealed, you would have thought I’d given her a Ferrari. She did love her art supplies. That was my favorite part of Christmas—finding that perfect gift for a person and seeing them open it. Seeing their face as realization settled in that I’d paid attention to them and knew the perfect gift they wanted. It filled my chest to bursting. It felt better than receiving any gift.

  When it came to buying a gift for Jack, I struggled to come up with something special. He seemed like the kind of guy who went out and bought whatever he wanted. Not much was left for him to want. So I went the thoughtful route. I got him a date night package, filled with movies and snacks, along with a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue Label Bourbon. Jameson had to special order the bourbon for me and it came at a hefty price. But I knew it was a top shelf drink and I wanted Jack to know he was the best. I also got a gift card to Rock Bottom Brewery for us to go to again, since it was our first official date. And finally, a couples massage. He mentioned that he loved massages, but hated going since he felt girly. I didn’t care how ridiculous I looked going to get a massage. As long as I felt like heavenly goop when I left, then I would crawl in and beg. I figured getting a couple’s massage would be a good enough excuse to get one and look selfless in the process.

  Besides, he had been so stressed over the last few weeks and I hated watching him wear himself out. He stayed with me most nights. Some nights I stayed at his place, but other nights he wanted to spend alone because he worried that he would take his mood out on me. I understood because when we talked he often sounded gruff and grumpy. We would end conversations because his irritability would make him snap. When I did see him, he looked tired. He always made sure to give me his attention but I could see the case taking a toll on him. He didn’t
have to tell me when they found a new victim; I could see it on his face. I could feel it in the way he made love to me. He became more intense, as though trying to imprint himself on me. He became rougher as he exorcised his demons from the job. And I let him. I enjoyed being that outlet for him. Because no matter what version I got, I always felt cherished. I always felt the connection between us.

  I needed him to imprint himself on me. It gave me reason to imprint myself on him too. When he became rough and forceful, I returned it. Our sex was always passionate. Even the nights when he would be too tired and we would go to sleep early, only for me to wake to him slipping himself inside of me from behind while we lay on our sides and leisurely made love; I felt the passion.

  Each day I fell more and more in love with him. I thought about telling him, but he had so much going on. It still seemed too soon. Logically, I knew time didn’t really matter and maybe I felt scared to open myself completely. But sometimes logic didn’t play into my decision-making. So I decided to wait for a better time when I felt more comfortable with the words, with these feelings. Until then, I decided to let it be and feel content with how wonderful things were going.

  Part of me had hoped that he would have been able to stay for Christmas despite me telling Jameson it was too soon. I would have loved to open Jameson’s and my tradition to him, but he had plans to return to Texas to see his family. It would be a long week without him, but he deserved a week long break from the case. He told me Grayson would be staying behind to carry the load until he returned. I didn’t know how much of a “break” he planned on taking, but hopefully enough to get him rested.

  Both Jack and Evie’s flights took off on the same day and close to the same time, allowing me to take them both to the airport. They’d finally met a week before when Evie told me to make her dinner while she grilled my boy toy. I panicked a bit that Evie would call him my boy toy to his face and that he would be alarmed and not accept Evie. In the end, she did call him my boy toy and grilled the hell out of him. Even asked him for his penis size since I was being a stubborn bitch and wouldn’t share the details. And I fell a little bit more in love with Jack when he just laughed at her crude comments and questions and returned her banter. He even brought tears to Evie’s eyes when she laughed so hard at his self-deprecating explanation of his dick size. “Like a button on a fur coat.” Evie laughed and gave him her stamp of approval saying that any man that can make a joke about his manhood was a winner in her book.