A Mother Within Her

by Lady Lissa

  “Oh wow! Sorry you’re in pain.”

  “I’ll be fine. Give me a couple of minutes, okay?”

  “Yea, okay,” I kissed her on the cheek and walked out of the bedroom. I walked back into the kitchen to prepare the tacos. I fixed two plates before setting them down on the table. By the time Takiyah emerged from the bedroom, all she had to do was sit down to eat.

  I poured us each a glass of wine.

  “None for me, thanks,” she said.

  “What? You’re not drinking?” I mean, she always had at least one glass of wine with her meal. That was the first time she had refused to drink her glass of wine.

  “No. I told you that my cycle started, and I’m not feeling good.”

  “Oh, well, let me get you a water,” I said as I went to the fridge to get a bottle of Nestle Pure Life water. I returned to the table and handed the bottle to her before sitting down across from her.

  “Thanks babe,” she said.

  “You’re welcome.”

  “Thanks for cooking too. I was just in so much pain,” she said.

  “It’s cool, babe. How long have you been home?”

  “Since three.”

  “Why didn’t you call me to let me know you weren’t feeling good?” I asked.

  “I didn’t want you to have to leave work.”

  As I rattled on about my day, I noticed how quiet she was. She barely ate her food either. That had me wondering if she was really okay. “Babe, you not gonna eat?”

  “Huh?” she asked as if she had spaced out.

  “Your food? Aren’t you gonna eat?” I asked again.

  “I’m eating.”

  “Uh, not really. You’ve been shoving your food around for the past 15 minutes.”

  “Oh, I guess it’s just these cramps, babe. I don’t know what’s going on, but they’re a little more intense than usual,” she said. The look on her face was one of total discomfort.

  “Well, you still have to eat something, babe. Just try to take a few bites and you can go lay down while I clean up the kitchen,” I suggested.

  She took a couple of bites of her food, then stood up from the table. I watched as she slowly walked to the bedroom. She might need to go see the doctor because the type of pain she was experiencing wasn’t normal to me. I had never seen her have cramps so bad that she could barely walk. I cleared the table, put the leftover food away, then put the dishes in the dishwasher. Once I had completely cleaned the kitchen, I made my way to the bedroom to check on my girl.

  She was lying in the bed, eyes closed. I grabbed my underclothes and made my way to the bathroom. I had yet to take a shower since I had returned from work. I turned the water on and waited for it to heat up. As soon as the steam started flowing around the bathroom, I stepped into the stall. I lathered myself from top to bottom, making sure I cleaned all the crevices and shit. Then I rinsed the soap off, turned the water off, and stepped out onto the plush bathroom rug.

  I dried my body and applied a generous amount of lotion to my damp body. I rolled the deodorant under my arms before putting my clothing on. I walked into the bedroom to find Kiyah softly snoring on her side of the bed. I climbed in and went to sleep.

  *****

  The shrill ringing of the alarm on my phone woke us up promptly at six. I hopped out of bed and headed to the bathroom to take care of my daily hygiene. By the time I was finished, it was almost 6:20. I emerged from the bathroom to find Kiyah still snuggled beneath the covers.

  I gently shook her. “Kiyah! Kiyah!” She didn’t respond or wake up. I gently shook her again. “Kiyah, baby, get up!”

  She finally opened her eyes. “Hey, aren’t you gonna be late for work?” I asked.

  “I’m not going today,” she said in a groggy tone.

  “What? Are you still cramping?”

  Takiyah had never missed a day of work, especially not for cramps that came with her monthly cycle. “Yea. I don’t know what’s going on with my body, but it really hurts,” she said.

  “Maybe you should go to the doctor.”

  “NO!” she said as her eyes opened wide. “I mean, it’s just my cycle. I’ll just take some Midol and rest. I’ll be fine.”

  “Babe, you’ve never had it this bad before. I mean, you called off at work.”

  “I know, but I’ll be fine. You, on the other hand, had better get out of here. You don’t wanna be late,” she said.

  “Okay, but if this pain keeps on like that, I’m going to take you to the doctor,” I said.

  She didn’t respond, so I got up and made my way to the kitchen. I grabbed a cup of coffee and headed out the door. I hoped that things would be better by the time I returned. If not, I was going to take her to the doctor because something wasn’t right.

  Chapter six

  Takiyah

  Six months later…

  It took me a good two weeks to recover from that abortion. I didn’t know why it took me so long, but I recovered. Three months later, Iman and I said our wedding vows in front of our family and friends. I was happy that we were finally married and could move on with our lives as husband and wife. I cared so much about Iman, but sometimes I wondered if I made the right decision to marry him. I knew how much he wanted a family, but that wasn’t what I wanted. I tried telling him on more than one occasion that a baby wasn’t in my future.

  He still wanted to marry me though. I loved my husband. I just wasn’t sure if I made the right decision when I said I do. We had been married for three months now, and all Iman talked about was getting me pregnant. I thanked God that I was still on the pill. Ever since the abortion, I had asked my doctor to give me something stronger. I couldn’t understand how the hell I got pregnant in the first darn place. Yea, I heard her excuses about the wine and all that shit, but I wasn’t buying it.

  As I finished my last appointment, I thought about how things between Iman and I had been a little tense. He kept trying to get me off the pill, but I wouldn’t. I kept telling him that I wasn’t ready to have a baby yet. I wanted to enjoy our marriage with just the two of us before we brought a baby into it.

  Last month, Iman accompanied me to my doctor’s appointment because I hadn’t been feeling good. Even though I could’ve gone alone, he insisted on coming. When the doctor announced that I was pregnant, I could’ve killed her. Why the hell would she say that in front of my husband?

  “Congratulations!” she said with a huge smile on her face.

  “Oh my God!” Iman said as he jumped out of his seat. “We’re having a baby?”

  I wanted to shout that we weren’t having anything, but of course, I couldn’t do that. I just sat there, probably with a blank look on my face while the two of them talked about a baby I had no intentions on having. I didn’t care that she told him I was pregnant. There was no way I was having this baby.

  “Yes, judging from her last period, I suspect that Takiyah is almost three months along,” the doctor said.

  “THREE MONTHS?!” I cried. “How the hell can I be almost three months pregnant? We’ve only been married three months and I’m still taking my birth control!”

  “Oh my God! Can that have a negative effect on the baby?” Iman wanted to know.

  “Well, sometimes when the mother continues to take birth control pills during pregnancy, it can lead to birth defects. What I can do is offer you guys the option of an ultrasound.”

  “What is that going to do?” Iman asked.

  “An ultrasound will allow you to view your baby inside of the mother’s womb. I can check for any deformities and abnormalities. If your child has any, you can make a decision to either go through with the pregnancy or terminate it,” Doctor Sharp said.

  “I don’t understand how I could be pregnant. I’m on the pill,” I said.

  “Well, I explained to you how that could happen the last time…” Doctor Sharp was saying before I jumped in.

  How dare she put my business out on front street like that! She knew damn well that I never discu
ssed my first pregnancy with Iman. Why the hell would she say anything about what we spoke about during my previous visit?

  “Spoke about this before? We’ve never spoken about this!” I yelled as I got a little bit too excited.

  “Yea, I was about to ask when y’all had that discussion before,” Iman said as he looked from me to Doctor Sharp. She looked like a deer caught in headlights, as she should. I mean, that was my personal business. What the fuck ever happened to doctor and patient confidentiality?

  “I must have mistaken you for another patient. My apologies,” Doctor Sharp said.

  Iman sat there looking confused, but asked, “Do you wanna have the ultrasound done?”

  I didn’t want to do anything except run up out of this damn room. I just shrugged my shoulders because I couldn’t care less. I hoped that this child had some kind of deformity because I knew if it was healthy, Iman would never let me get another abortion. “We’ll do the ultrasound,” Iman said with this huge, yet worried, smile on his face. “Is that done here?”

  “No, but I can have my receptionist call the office of Doctor Leon and tell them that you’re on your way. His office is only about 20 minutes from here. I’ll have my receptionist give you the address once she makes the appointment,” Doctor Sharp said.

  She walked out of the room and we followed behind her. She instructed the receptionist to make the call and we waited for the directions. When the receptionist was done, she turned to us and said, “Doctor Leon said you can come right over. Here’s the address.”

  She handed me a slip of paper, which I took. As Iman and I walked out of the office, he couldn’t stop blabbing about having a baby. He was talking so much, he didn’t even notice how silent I was. He didn’t say anything about my silence until we were almost at the doctor’s office.

  “What’s wrong with you, babe?” he asked as he looked over at me.

  “Nothing.”

  “Aren’t you excited about the two of us having a baby?”

  “Not really, Iman. We’ve talked about this before. I’m not ready to be a mom yet,” I said.

  “You say that now because you’re nervous. I’m nervous about being a dad too. But don’t worry, we’ll get through this together. God has blessed us with a baby. He wouldn’t have done that if we weren’t ready, especially since you were on the pill,” he said as he pulled into the parking lot of the doctor’s office. There was no talking to him to get him to see things from my point of view. He was going to feel how he wanted to feel no matter how I felt about it.

  Once he parked the car, we got out and made our way to the front door. We walked in and I wrote my name on the check in pad. I handed the receptionist my medical insurance card and she handed me a clipboard with a bunch of paperwork to fill out. I took the clipboard, rolled my eyes, and went to sit next to Iman. I hated that I had to fill all that shit out. Ugh!

  “I hate filling out paperwork,” I said in disgust.

  “It’s not that bad,” Iman said.

  “Then you do it,” I said as I tried to shove the clipboard in his hand.

  “I don’t know all your information, baby.”

  “Ugh!” I shrieked as I began to fill out the papers. By the time I was done, 20 minutes later, they were calling my name. I stood up and walked to the open door where the nurse was waiting for me. Iman followed behind me as we walked to the triage area.

  The nurse looked at me and said, “I understand that you’re here to do an ultrasound.”

  “Yes.”

  “Is this your first pregnancy?” she asked.

  Why the fuck was she asking me that? I mean, wasn’t that one of the questions I answered? Couldn’t she have just looked at the paperwork and gotten her answer? Now, she was putting me in an awkward position by asking me that in front of Iman.

  “Yes, it is,” I lied with a fake smile.

  “Okay, I just need to get your vitals and then we’ll get the ultrasound done,” she said.

  The badge she wore said that her name was Angel. Angel better stop fucking with my good nerves before she got her ass fucked up.

  “I just need you guys to follow me and we can get started,” Angel said as she led us down the hallway to the examination room. “Just have a seat on the table. The doctor will be with you shortly.”

  I climbed on the table and sat down to wait. About 10 minutes later, a doctor with kind eyes walked in. “Good afternoon, I’m Doctor Leon.”

  He asked for me to lift my shirt, so I did. I was surprised by the little mound that was once my flat stomach. My mouth nearly hit the floor. How could I have not seen that before? I guessed I was so busy the past few months, it just slipped by me. As I sat on the table waiting for the doctor to begin, my mind drifted off. I found myself praying that the baby I was carrying had some kind of handicap that would allow me to abort this baby in peace before I got further along in the pregnancy.

  The doctor squirted some warm gel on my belly before using a small wand to see the baby. As he ran the wand over my belly, we could see a tiny heart beating really fast. “Oh my God! Is that the baby?” Iman asked.

  “Yes, that’s its little heartbeat. Give me a moment to take a few measurements and then we can get down to the good stuff,” Doctor Leon stated. Iman was standing there looking every bit the proud peacock. He was smiling at me all happy and shit, and all I could think about was how I wanted to get out of here.

  The doctor typed in quite a few things before turning his attention back to us. “Okay, would you like to hear your baby’s heartbeat?”

  “Oh yes!” Iman said, excitement written all over his face.

  “Okay.” He turned the volume up on the ultrasound machine and we could hear our baby’s heartbeat. Iman was happier than I had ever seen him. He looked like a kid at Christmas. “Judging from the measurements, I’d say your about 13 weeks along.”

  “How is that possible? I’ve been taking my birth control pills on the regular,” I said.

  “You could have missed a day or had some wine,” she said. “If you take your pills every day at the exact same time, they’ll work. But, if you take them at different times every day, there is a slim chance of pregnancy. There are several factors that could lead to a pregnancy even if you’re on birth control pills. The bottom line is that the pill isn’t always effective,” Doctor Leon said.

  “Then why give them to women as a preventative for pregnancy? Why not offer safer contraceptives?” I asked.

  “So, is our baby okay? Do you see any kind of birth defects?” Iman asked, trying to take the focus off of what I was asking.

  As the doctor continued to rub the wand on my belly, I watched the screen. I was looking for a four-legged octopus or a fetus with eight fingers or twelve toes. Anything to be able to get rid of this fetus with Iman’s okay. I felt really stupid for allowing him to come with me to my doctor’s appointment. I could have come by myself, but he insisted.

  “As far as I can tell, your baby looks healthy. I don’t see any abnormalities or defects whatsoever,” Doctor Leon said happily.

  “That’s great news! Doctor Sharp was concerned that our baby might be deformed because Takiyah took birth control during her pregnancy,” Iman explained as he kissed me on the lips. I plastered a fake smile on my face for Iman. On the inside, I was praying for a miscarriage. There was no way I was going to be stuck to raise any kids by myself.

  “Well, you are pretty early in the stages of pregnancy. But, as far as I can tell, you’re having a healthy little baby. Judging from the measurements of your baby, I’d say you’re right at the beginning of your second trimester,” Doctor Leon informed us.

  “Second trimester?” I asked.

  “Yes, you’re right at 13 weeks along, which puts your due date around October 15th,” Doctor Leon said as he stared at the little colorful pinwheel he held in his hand.

  “That’s fantastic!” Iman beamed with happiness. I wanted to tell him to put a cork in it, but I didn’t.

  “Well
,” Doctor Leon said as he wiped the wand and placed it back in the holder next to his monitor. He wiped the gel off of my belly and continued speaking to us. “I’m going to give you a prescription for prenatal vitamins. I want you to start on those right away. The receptionist will schedule your next appointment for six weeks from now.”

  “Thank you, Doctor Leon,” Iman said as the doctor handed him the ultrasound pictures. He was literally gawking at the black and white images. I didn’t see what the big deal was. It looked like a vegetable bean if you asked me. As Iman and I walked out of the room, I felt as if my whole world was collapsing around me.

  Having this baby was going to ruin my life. I was going to have to speak with Iman and get him on board with me having an abortion. I couldn’t bring this baby into the world feeling the way I was feeling. I got in the car with every intention on telling Iman exactly what was on my mind. If he wanted a child, I wasn’t going to be the one to give it to him.

  “Babe, I am so damn happy right now, and it’s all because of you! I know that you’re nervous about being a mom, but we have enough time to get ready. You’ll see,” he said as he leaned over and kissed me on the lips. The smile that graced his face was one of pure excitement. How the hell could I tell him that I didn’t want to be a mother?

  I just zipped my lips and plastered that fake smile I had gotten used to wearing. I didn’t know how I was going to get through these next few months. We went inside the apartment and while Iman went to take a shower, I decided to cook. I was going to need a bunch of prayers to get me to carry this baby to term.

  Chapter seven

  Iman

  I couldn’t wait to share the news of Takiyah’s pregnancy with our family members. I thought it would be a good idea to have a party and tell them at the party. However, when I mentioned it to Takiyah, she wanted no parts of it.

  “Why don’t you wanna have a party? I think that would be a great way to let everybody know we’re expecting,” I said.

  “I don’t want anyone to know right now,” she said.

  “Why not? You’re already three months along. Eventually, they will notice that you’re showing.”