A Mother Within Her

by Lady Lissa

  “I don’t wanna have a seat! I wanna have an abortion!”

  “Well, when did you find out about the pregnancy?” she asked.

  “What?”

  “I asked when you found out that you were pregnant.”

  “Yesterday. I went to the doctor yesterday, but that’s neither here nor there. I need to get this kid out of me!” I said.

  “Ma’am, I’m not sure how far along you are, but the fact that you’re showing means it’s too late for you to have a procedure,” she said calmly.

  How the hell could she be so damn calm when I was losing my fucking mind? Did she say it was too late? How could it be too late? It couldn’t be too late. I needed to have this done and I needed it done now.

  “NO! IT CAN’T BE TOO LATE!” I cried. By that time, I had tears rolling down my cheeks. “Ma’am please, I have to do this! I can’t have this baby!”

  “Do you know how far along you are?” she asked.

  “I don’t know. The incompetent doctor said about 18 weeks…”

  “18 weeks? I’m so sorry ma’am. There’s no way that we could perform this procedure on you at this time. You are past the legal point to have this procedure done. The risks are much higher at this point, so we can’t do it. It could put your life in danger.”

  “Oh my God! What am I supposed to do?”

  “If you don’t want the baby, you can always give it up for adoption,” she said.

  “ADOPTION?! My husband would never let me put that baby up for adoption!” I cried.

  “I take it that you are making this decision without your husband’s knowledge.”

  “Oh, now you wanna counsel me? I didn’t come here for no fuckin’ counseling. You don’t know me or my life, so you have no right to offer your opinion or your jacked up advice. I need to have an abortion. What do I need to do… pay you a thousand dollars?” I asked her.

  “Ma’am, no amount of money is going to make us perform that procedure on you. Don’t you realize that we could go to jail if we did that? We could lose our license to practice. I think you should just go home and speak with your husband about this,” she said.

  “Thanks for nothing!” I said as I walked out the door, slamming it behind me. This was some bullshit. This whole office was fucked all the way up. I rushed up out of the office and into a hoard of people with their picket signs.

  I pushed my way through hollering for them to get the fuck outta my damn way. This one lady was calling me a baby killer. I told her I’d be a bitch killer if she didn’t get the fuck outta my face. How the hell was I a baby killer when I still had the same baby I walked in there with? She was on some bullshit, and if she kept fucking with me, I’d lay her ass out. Fucking trailer park trash ass bitch!

  I shoved her with my car door and got in my car. I burned rubber as I backed out of the parking spot. I sped out the parking lot like my ass was on fire. I was so pissed off. What the fuck was I gonna do now? I was so sure that I could pay those people some extra money for them to give me the abortion that I needed, but they still wouldn’t do it. I cried all the way home. I was absolutely devastated. I wondered if I took a Plan B pill at this stage of pregnancy, what would happen. I’d probably have to take more than one to make something happen.

  My mind was so fucked up right now. My phone began to ring, and I saw that it was my sister Lyric. I wondered what she wanted. I hit the button on the steering wheel to accept the call.

  “Hello.”

  “CONGRATULATIONS!” my three sisters yelled through the Bluetooth speaker.

  CLICK!

  The last thing I needed was anymore of those fucking congratulations. I hung up on their happy asses. They called a couple of more times; first Lyric again and then Nya. I ignored both calls, so they left voicemails. “Ugh! Why can’t everyone just leave me alone?” I asked to no one in particular.

  I finally made it home and went to the bathroom to have myself a good cry. I hadn’t cried like that in a long time. I was just really hurt.

  *****

  Over the next several weeks, I tried to find some way to get rid of this baby. I researched everything possible and couldn’t find any way to get this child out of me. So, here I was, seven months pregnant with another man’s baby and my husband begging me to be happy about it. I was just trying my best to get him to understand my point of view. I didn’t want another baby right now, I told him. Isaiah was too young to have a sibling, I told him. I was willing to tell him anything to get him to see things from my perspective.

  “Takiyah, do you love me?” Iman asked. I looked at him, unable to believe that he had asked me that.

  “Of course, I love you.” I wiped at my tears as I stared into my husband’s eyes. I needed him to see that I was being sincere, but I needed him to understand that this decision had nothing to do with my love for him.

  “Don’t you know how much it means to me to have a family of my own? I mean, it’s not as if we aren’t married, baby. We’ve been married for over a year now. This is normal for married couples who love each other,” he said. He moved closer to me and placed his hand on my round belly. “I love you more than anything. I can’t wait until our little girl is born. We’ll have our set, a boy and a girl. You guys are my whole world, baby.”

  “I know how much you wanna have another baby…”

  “Not another baby… this baby. We’ve already named her and everything. How can you expect me to just give her away to strangers?” The truth was, he had named the baby. I had no parts of that, but Iman wanted to name her Jolie which meant pretty in French.

  “I’m not ready…”

  “Do you love me?”

  “Yes. I already answered that question,” I said.

  “But do you mean it?”

  “You doubt that I love you?”

  “I just don’t understand why if you love me like you say you do, you wouldn’t want me to be happy. I do everything in my power to make you happy. All I want is this one thing from you… to give birth to our daughter so we can extend our family,” he said.

  I took in a deep breathe because I couldn’t understand why my husband couldn’t see things the way I presented them to him. We were still young, so we had plenty of time to have babies. We had just moved into our first home; one with four bedrooms and a two-car garage. We had decorated Isaiah’s room and gone shopping for the baby girl, even though I didn’t want too. I felt as if my husband was pressuring me to be happy. If he only knew why I didn’t want to have this baby. I was nervous as hell because this baby was due in a couple of months, and I was no closer to finding a solution than the first time I found out I was expecting.

  My husband pulled me tight into his arms and held me close. “I love you, Kyah. I love you so much.”

  “I love you too.” I tried not to fall into a depression like I did the first time I found out I was pregnant, but it was so hard. I was a married woman, pregnant with another man’s baby. If I had never cheated on my husband, this would have been his baby.

  I didn’t know why I did what I did, but it was too late for all that shit. My mind had been unraveling for a while now. I say unraveling because only a person who wasn’t in their right mind would think of ways to kill this baby without bringing harm to herself. I already knew that I was thinking some crazy shit. I just couldn’t let this baby be born.

  Iman finally released me. He kissed me on the forehead and left the room. I assumed he was going to get the baby since Isaiah was now awake from his nap. I sat down on the sofa and researched ways to kill a baby while in the womb. My phone began to ring as I was in the middle of reading an article. I had seen the number before but wasn’t sure who it belonged to.

  “Hello,” I answered a little tentatively.

  “Hey Ki,” came the deep distinguished voice over the line.

  “Why are you calling me?” I whispered as I jumped off the sofa and out the front door.

  “Well, I saw you the other day at the grocery store. I guess you were
with your husband and baby, huh?” he asked. I was stunned that he was calling, but even more stunned that he had seen me, and I hadn’t seen him. “You don’t need to respond. I already know the answer. What I’m calling about is to find out if you’re having my baby.”

  I couldn’t believe that he was asking me that. Yes, I was carrying his baby, but if I could help it, I wouldn’t be for long. I clicked the phone to end the call. I knew that I had to get this baby out of me one way or another. I wasn’t sure how, but it had to be done. My phone began to ring and it was Barry calling again. I ignored the call before blocking his number. As I was walking up the sidewalk that led into house, Iman was opening the front door.

  “I was about to come looking for you,” he said with a worried expression on his face.

  “I just went out to get some air. I just love this subdivision,” I said as he draped his arm around my shoulders and kissed my temple.

  “I know, me too. I feel like we can really be happy here.”

  “Hey baby boy,” I greeted Isaiah as I tickled him. I had reservations about being a mom that first time, but I was happy that I had my little boy. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be able to have children again after I attempted to get this baby out of me using a wire hanger.

  I loved Iman, and nothing or no one was going to ruin my family… not even this baby.

  To be continued…

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  Lil Description…

  When Onyx’s parents decided to move from New York to Atlanta, he thought his whole world was over. Then he met Starr, a cute and sassy eight- year old. He had no idea how much his life would change. With so much in common, the two quickly become best friends. For the next few years, they continue to shoot hoops while building a closer friendship. So, what happens when they start to reach puberty?

  Over the years, they have built a bond, but when Onyx gets promoted to the sixth grade and transfers to a different school, Starr wonders if their friendship will remain the same. The two continue to bond and nothing changes, that is until Starr begins attending the same school.

  Mandy, a cheerleader at their middle school, begins to take special interest in Onyx and the two become a couple. Their relationship blossoms and continues until they reach high school, even though Mandy has insecurities concerning Onyx’s relationship with Starr.

  How far will Mandy go to end Starr and Onyx’s friendship? Will Onyx and Starr’s friendship withstand Mandy’s tactics to keep them apart? Or will their friendship be ruined forever?