The Hospice

by Heidi Lewis

  Jack nodded in recognition. It was the first time in months he had not thought of his constant pain because thoughts of Maria had now taken over his mind, acting as a natural painkiller.

  “Are you experiencing much discomfort?”

  “No, I’m all good,” Jack answered, much to her surprise.

  “I’ll be back to check on you soon, Hon.”

  There was something sweet and humble about her. She did not look at him with pity in her eyes, like the others. That was the thing that Jacked hated. To see the look of pity in people’s eyes since his diagnosis turned terminal, seriously pissed him off. It was as if they were sympathising with him although he was still alive and kicking. He watched Patricia as she left the room.

  She looked about the same age as his mom, perhaps late forties, give or take a few years. She looked like a mother. She had that special type of kindness about her, that kindness that only mothers have.

  Lying there, with the intravenous drip attached, he sank deeper into the soft pillows. The late night before was taking its toll on his ravaged body.

  “Pssst” “Pssst”

  Jack searched the room for the source of the persistent sound.

  “Over here!”

  He looked through the open door and saw that it was Maria. A huge smile hijacked his face as he waved at her from across the hall. He was powerless to her beauty.

  “Looks like you’re getting the morning cocktail too eh!” Jack replied, still smiling while pointing to the dip holder.”

  “Well, I’ve always been a girl who loves cocktails” Maria replied with a cheeky wink.

  ***

  It was now past 9 am and the hospice was bustling with nurses popping in and out, kitchen staff serving breakfast to those who could stomach it and family members arriving with supplies and to spend precious moments with their dying loved ones.

  It was a strange place. From the inside it looked just like workings of a hospital but of course, the outcome was very different. It was a place where comfort and compassion were of the utmost importance.

  The sounds grew louder as the minutes passed. The hallways were getting busier.

  Although only across the corridor from each other, Maria and Jack could no longer hear a word the other was saying.

  “My God, she’s a beauty!”

  They lay there, in opposite rooms, sharing silent looks while waiting for their respective medications to finish. Both tried their best to fight the tiredness, but the drugs made them both drowsy and sleep was inevitable.

  ***

  “Yo, wake up bro. I didn’t come all this way for nothing.”

  Jack slowly and reluctantly opened his eyes. Johnny was standing over him with that, all too familiar, silly teenage grin on his face.

  “You never let up, do you?” Jack replied sleepily.

  “Nope, never! Mom and Dad are here too. They’re just grabbing a coffee.”

  “So did you make a move on that hottie across the hall yet?”

  “What are you talking about?” Jack asked pretending to look confused.

  “Oh cut the bull, bro, I saw you checking her out yesterday.”

  “You’re such a douche bag!” Jack exclaimed.

  “Maybe bro, but you know I’m right!” said Johnny earning him a punch to the shoulder from Jack. Retaliating, Johnny grabbed Jack in a light head-lock.

  Laughing uncontrollably, their boisterous antics caused Patricia to run into the room, looking rather panicked. She stopped and glared at them.

  “Let me guess, your brother?”

  “How did you guess?” inquired Jack.

  “He looks as stupid as you do!”

  “Ohhhhh, low blow bro, low blow” Johnny laughed hysterically.

  “Well, try to keep it down, guys. All that running isn’t good for a girl of my age.”

  She left the room and the brothers tried to silence their laughs.

  ***

  Out of the corner of his eye, Jack noticed a well-dressed woman enter Maria’s room. She looked about thirty and she stood poised and elegant. Two children gripped her hands as if holding on for dear life. One was a boy of about four and a girl much younger. The little girl was barely able to keep steady on her feet, wobbling cheerily from side to side.

  “That must be her sister and her little niece and nephew.”

  Jack’s heart sunk as the reality of how Maria’s prognosis was going to affect her family.

  “Hey, you guys!” Maria was sitting up in bed with her hands outstretched, yearning for a big hug from the kids. Ben jumped up and squeezed Maria so tightly that he had to be distracted and taken away. Maria reached down and lifted Amy onto the bed. She noted how much heavier Amy felt since she had last seen her, or perhaps Maria was just getting weaker.

  Dressed in a pair of denims and a purple long-sleeved shirt with a heart on it, Amy was the definition of cute. She had short blond, curly hair and was already able to babble a few words. She stared at Maria, as if knowing something was different.

  She tugged at her nose, her mouth, and her ears and finally her hair. Maria’s wig wiggled from side to side.”

  “Funny hair,” Amy said.

  For a moment, Maria wanted to burst out crying but she knew better than to do that in front of the kids.

  “That’s right. It is funny hair, Sweetie,” replied Maria.

  “Tim is just parking the car. He’ll be in soon, and he can take these two for a walk so we can talk properly,” Kathleen said with a wink.

  The kids ran around the room chasing each other, as kids do. A knock on the door jolted Maria from her small talk. For some reason, she wanted it to be Jack.

  The door opened and Tim, Kathleen’s husband, peeped his head around the half open door.

  “Okay if I come in?”

  “Of course” Maria replied. Although never a big fan of Tim’s, she knew that he treated her sister well and that he idolized his kids. There was just something about him that bothered her.

  With the door half open, Ben seized the opportunity to escape and ran through Tim’s legs and off down the hallway.

  “Ben! Ben! Come back here at once,” Kathleen shouted.

  “I’ll go and get him,” Tim moaned.

  A minute later, there was a faint knock on the door. Two familiar faces appeared.

  “Hey, I think this little guy escaped from here.”

  Jack was standing there, holding Ben in his arms, both of them looking more childish and innocent than the other. Kathleen grinned through gritted teeth, stretched her arms towards Ben and proceeded to apologise profusely.

  “It’s totally fine, I was the same at his age, running here there and everywhere,” Jacked smiled.

  “I bet you were a complete handful,” Maria joked from the bed.

  “You too know each other?” Kathleen enquired, raising her left eyebrow inquisitively.

  “It’s a long story,” Jack said shyly, looking awkwardly at Maria for reassurance.

  “Well it was nice to meet you. Be good, little man!” he said giving Ben a big thumbs up.

  Jack left the room and Kathleen watched Maria’s gaze as her eyes were firmly fixed on Jack’s back.

  “So who is the cutie?”

  “Oh shut up!” Maria said, feeling a sudden heat rising in her cheeks.

  “So there is something between you two?”

  Maria chose not to respond and instead continued to fuss around Amy and Ben. The door burst open and Tim appeared - breathless and sweating slightly.

  “I can’t find him anywhere,” he gasped.

  Rolling her eyes up to heaven, Kathleen snapped at him.

  “Oh relax. He’s here. Please just take them both for a walk so I can talk to Maria alone. We’ve got some serious things to talk about.”

  Sighing heavily, he grasped Ben in his right hand and Amy in his left.

  “Byyeee – byeee” Amy and Ben said simultaneously and they turned and followed their father’s lead out of the room.


  “Right move over sister,” Kathleen said menacingly, as she lay down alongside Maria in the bed.

  “Wow, nice view. So are you going to tell me about that cutie across the hall or do have to drag it out of you kicking and screaming?”

  “There’s nothing to tell! I saw him one day in the oncologist’s office and I thought he was handsome as hell. Then, next thing I know, we are both in here, across the hall from one another and both in the same boat.”

  “Oh Honey, it’s like fate or something?” Kathleen replied as if in awe of the information she had just been given.

  “I know right. I mean I didn’t even know he was here until I was crying last night…”

  “Oh Sweetie,” Kathleen embraced Maria.

  “Yea, he came over when he heard my sobs, to see if I was okay.”

  It was the first time she had heard herself talk about Jack and even she had to admit that she was surprised at the tenderness she could detect in her tone. Even talking about him filled her stomach with a formation of butterflies. She wanted to know more about him, everything in fact. She yearned for his company like she had never yearned for anything before. That was the thing about being terminal- a day seems like a week and a week like a month all rolled into one. And sadly, she knew neither of them had weeks nor months ahead.

  “Sounds like you really like him,” Kathleen said. Her eyes had started to water as she tried her very best to hold back the tears.

  “It’s doesn’t matter anyway. I mean, I have only got weeks left at best.”

  Again the reality of the grim situation hit them both, and hugging tightly, they shed silent tears as their sisterly bond grew stronger than ever before.

  “I wish I could take your place. I really do.” Kathleen sobbed.

  “I don’t. You’ve got the kids and Tim. They need you, Mom and Dad need you and I need you!”

  Lying silently side by side, they cried and cried. When they could cry no more, they gazed out the old sash window at the manicured lawns and the blue sky above. They were both trying desperately to understand why this was happening to them.

  ***

  Across the hall, Johnny sat on the old leather chair engrossed in his iPhone. Jack’s mother was fussing with his clothes in the wardrobe. His father had some errands to run in Charlestown, but Jack suspected that his Dad could simply not handle the atmosphere of the hospice and so he had decided avoidance was the best policy.

  “Mom, the wardrobe is fine, honest. It’s not as if I’m going anywhere.” Johnny could not help but snigger.

  “Don’t talk like that,” she scolded Jack.

  “But Mom, it’s true.

  Johnny? Mind grabbing us two coffees from the canteen?”

  Knowing that something serious was going to go down, Johnny leapt from the chair and hastily exited the room.

  “Come and sit, Mom.” Jack patted the space on the bed alongside him. Knowing looks passed between them. His mom stared at the space above Jack on the bed. At that moment, she wanted to be anywhere else- anywhere but in the room with her dying son. Reluctantly, she made her way towards Jack and sat down gently on the bed next to her son.

  “Put your feet up. It’s big enough,” Jack said warmly. She swung her legs up onto the bed and they lay side by side resting against the pillows.

  “Wow, it’s a nice garden out there,” his Mom said cheerfully- trying her best to deflect attention from any serious conversation.

  “Yea, it sure is. You see the lake over there?” He pointed out of the old sash window and guided her gaze towards the lake.

  “It was so beautiful this morning. Whichever way the morning sun shone down, it was as if the lake was shimmering gold.”

  “Sounds lovely.”

  “It was one of the most beautiful sights I’ve seen.”

  After a minute’s silence, Jack continued.

  “This is so hard Mom, for you, for me, for all of us but we have to talk openly about it. There’s no point in ignoring it. I’ve only got weeks at best. I’m going to die Mom, and I know you don’t want to hear it or talk about it, but we have to deal with this, together, as a family.”

  “I know, but this is so cruel! As a parent, you always just presume you will outlive your kids. Nothing can prepare us for this and I’m so angry- with God, with the world, with everyone. Why us? Why my son? Why? Why? Why? I just don’t even know what to think anymore. I wake up in the morning and this all feels like a bad dream. And your father just can’t cope. I found him crying, this morning, in the garage. None of us was prepared for this. It’s just heart-wrenching knowing that my son is going to be taken away from me soon. I can’t cope.”

  They both hugged each other tightly as if somehow, trying in vain to cling onto life itself.

  Chapter Eleven

  Nightfall had descended and the familiar sounds of the busy hallway had by now given way to a tranquil stillness. The odd pitter-patter of footsteps could be heard as nurses administered the last of the day’s medications and the few remaining visitors left the building.

  Maria lay in bed feeling tired and drawn. Nauseous and dizzy, the cocktail of drugs she had received earlier in the day had made her feel worse than ever before. It was the first time Maria could feel the slow destruction of her body. Every inch of her skin was sickly yellow, every bone in her body ached and her breathing became shallow and laboured. Her stomach was churning and she could feel the battle which was taking place inside.

  Night-time was the worst time for her. During the day there were distractions: family members visiting, friends calling her on the phone, nurses popping in and out to check on her stats, Facebook posts to read and the latest gossip to catch up on. All provided an escape from the harsh reality of her prognosis.

  Somehow, none of it felt real during the day. It was as if she was in the hospital getting treatment like so many times before and would be released any day. But now there was no release date, no going home, and no future. Just weeks of life left – to live? But she was too ill to truly “live” for her final weeks. As dark thoughts tormented, her all she could think about was Jack. He was her only glimmer of hope in a situation which was dire beyond belief.

  ***

  Jack stood unsteadily in the bathroom, staring at the unfamiliar reflection in the mirror.

  Who is that guy?

  Nothing about his body seemed familiar. His skin was the most jaundiced colour it had ever been. His cheekbones were prominent as his face had become more sunken than ever before. Unfamiliar, dull blue eyes stared back at him- bloodshot and bleary.

  His hair was the only thing that reminded him of his former self. However, chemo had taken its toll on his blond locks and random bald patches were scattered here and there. Looking up and down his body, he counted his ribs by rubbing his index finger between the deep crevasses. He was convinced even his manhood had shrunk.

  Knowing that he was always considered by most, to be a good looking guy, he felt embarrassed of his now unattractive appearance. He wondered how on earth a girl, like Maria, could ever find him attractive. A few tears rolled down his cheeks, dropping onto the grey floor tiles below.

  He pulled on his pyjama pants and vest, and he left the bathroom. He sat on the leather chair in his room, saddened by sight of his now unfamiliar body and replayed every word of the conversation he had had with his mother earlier in the day. He hated himself for causing his family so much pain and, although, the thought of his death terrified him, he knew it would be best for them if it was all over soon.

  Staring out into the darkness of the room, the reality of his grim situation was overwhelming. Panic engulfed every fibre of his being. He felt helplessness, fear and anger all snowballed into something he had never experienced before. Memories of the past taunted him and visions of a future, where he would cease to exist, enraged him even further. A lump rose in his throat, his chest felt tight and he couldn’t hold it in anymore. He just couldn’t! He stood up and tried to take some deep breaths.

/>   Oh my god. I’m going to die soon. Oh God, Oh God.

  His attempts to calm himself were useless. H stumbled across the room and fell into a foetal position on his bed - knees to his chest, covering his mouth with both hands, vainly trying to muffle the sound of his low, primeval sobs. This was uncontrollable. It had to be let out and, the grieving process for his imminent death had begun.

  A warm arm wrapped around him, seemingly from nowhere. A kiss on his cheek felt like a drop of rain in a barren desert. A faintly familiar feminine scent, from the night before, wafted as Maria wrapped her arms around him, offering some comfort. He did not dare look Maria in the eye. He didn’t want her to see him like this. He felt ashamed, but he was glad she was there, all the same. Her skin felt like silk, but not even her gentle kisses on his cheek could ease the outpouring of grief.

  Maria knew where she needed to be. This was where she wanted to be. In that bed, comforting the man, she already knew, was the love of her life.

  ***

  The sound of persistent knocking on the door jolted Maria from her sleep. Before she had time to react, the door swung open and a middle-aged nurse stood there, her mouth ajar and her eyes wide open.

  “Oh… am… I’m sorry Honey… I…I’ll come back later,” said Nurse Patricia as she made her way out the room, banging clumsily into the door frame on her way out.

  “It’s not what it looks like,” Maria said softly, but it was too late. Patricia had left faster than a rabbit running from a greyhound.

  “What? What the heck is going on?” Jack asked sleepily, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

  “One of the nurses came in. She thought we….we….”

  “What? We’re having sex?” Jack laughed uncontrollably in the bed.

  “It’s not that funny,” Maria elbowed him in the side. “I had better go back to my room before anyone else spots me.” After placing a soft kiss on Jack’s cheek, she stood up and turned towards the door.

  “Listen, thanks for last night!” Jack said awkwardly, not knowing quite where to look.

  “It’s fine,” she muttered, smiling as she opened the door.

  “Oh, the walk of shame. In a hospice, no less,” Jack said with a cheeky grin- his hair standing upright and his eyes heavy from all the crying the night before.