by Heidi Lewis
Maria thought about all the things she would never get to do again. All the things she had wanted to try, the places she had wanted to visit, the future she so desperately wanted for herself. Not wanting to upset Jack, she somehow managed to control her emotions.
“I always wanted to go to Paris, but now that’s out of the question for sure. But, how about if we went to a nice French restaurant? It would be great to feel like a normal couple for a change.”
“But we are a normal couple!” exclaimed Jack.
“I guess….” Maria again struggled to hold back her tears.
“I think we should do it!” shouted Jack excitedly.
“How could we though? With all the drips and everything? Besides, I can hardly eat anything as it is, never mind a full four-course meal.”
“Yea, I guess.” Jack placed one hand behind his head and stared at the ceiling. He kept the other arm wrapped around Maria. No further words were exchanged that night. They both lay side by side, listening to the outside storm, glad to be together in those dark, lonely hours.
***
Jack woke at dawn, opening his eyes he looked at Maria. She was sweating profusely and her breathing was loud and laboured. He knew something was wrong. Jumping out of bed he ignored the dizziness he was feeling himself, grabbing his robe and rushing down the hall towards the nurse’s station. He noticed Patricia entering the main door of the hospice, her coat still on with a cup of take-away coffee in her hand.
“Patricia! Patricia!” he shouted.
Knowing immediately that something was wrong, she placed her coffee on the nearest windowsill and rushed towards him.
“It’s Maria. She’s drenched in sweat and it sounds like she can hardly breathe.”
They both ran to Maria’s room. On entering, the look on Patricia’s face said it all.
“Oh Honey!” she said while placing her hand on Maria’s feverish forehead.
“I stayed with her last night and everything seemed fine. But, when I woke up and she was like this.”
“Just go back to your room, Jack. I’m going to have to get the doctor to have a look at her.”
“It’s bad isn’t it?” Patricia stared at Jack, the terrified look in his eyes giving her proof that indeed their relationship was real and he cared about her immensely.
“Just go back to your room and I’ll give you an update as soon as I know anything.”
Reluctantly he headed across the hall as he watched a trio of nurses and a doctor walk briskly down the hall.
“Fuck,” he thought as he paced up and down the room. “This is not happening! She’ll be fine. She has to be, right? It’s probably just a reaction to her meds or something.”
Feeling weak, he lay on the bed, angry with his body for being so fragile. This was not how things were supposed to go. Not this fast.
Two hours had drifted by. Every minute of not knowing felt like absolute torture. He felt so angry. Angry with himself, with God, with life itself.
Staring into the mirror he hardly recognised the person staring back at him. He looked tired, and the lack of sleep of the past few nights had taken their toll more than he had realised. His cheeks looked more sunken than the previous day and he noticed how his skin seemed dry and rough. Things were moving faster than he had imagined. He could feel himself getting noticeably weaker; his breathing was getting shallower with every passing day. Time was running out for him.
“Honey, can I come in?” It was Patricia. Rushing to the door, he almost pulled the handle off in his haste.
“How is she?”
Patricia stepped inside his room, accompanied by the usual tray of morning meds.
“She’s got an infection. We’re giving her antibiotics, but her immune system is already weak.”
A sinking feeling engulfed Jacks’ chest. What did it all mean? Was it his fault for keeping her up late the past few nights? Question after question rushed through his brain.
“But she’ll be fine, right?” he asked desperately.
“It’s hard to say, Jack. The next twenty-four hours will tell a lot. Try not to worry! It will do you no good, young man!”
Jack lay there, shell shocked. He felt the blood draining from his face and he felt weak and dizzy. Another sudden dose of reality rocked him to his very core. Patricia administered his medication in silence, realising that the reality of the situation was finally starting to sink in.
***
Maria’s father was at home cutting timer in the backyard. Although the winter in Charlestown had been unusually mild so far, he wanted to have enough timber ready, just in case the weather took a turn for the worst. Besides, chopping wood was a great way to get out the frustration and anger which was pent up inside him. Every time he swung the axe he felt like a release. He was angry as hell, he knew it, his family knew, even the axe knew it. Standing tall, he leaned against the garage wall wiping the beads of sweat from his forehead, delighted with the size of the stack of timber before him.
“Mick!!!” he heard his wife scream from the kitchen. He axe dropped lifeless to the ground.
“What? What’s wrong?” he asked as he watched his wife standing in the middle of the kitchen, shaking while gripping her mobile phone tightly in her hands. A feeling of fear gripped Mick and he could hardly get a word out. Fearing the worst, he grabbed his wife by the arms and tried to shake her from her daze.
“She’s got an infection, they don’t know how bad it is, the next twenty-four hours are crucial.” Reaching out his arms, he wrapped them around his wife. Both sobbed simultaneously, terrified at what the next twenty-four hours would bring.
“Please God not like this, not this fast,” Maria’s mother mumbled, her head on her husband’s shoulder.
The journey to the hospice seemed longer than ever before. It was now just four weeks to Christmas and Charlestown was busy with shoppers and tourists alike. Silence prevailed throughout the journey. Eventually, they drove through the gates and up the windy tree-lined driveway. Parking the car, Mick held his wife’s hand and squeezed it tightly.
“We can do this. She’s our baby and as hard as this is, we have got to put our feelings aside for the little time she has got left.”
Nodding in agreement, Maria’s mom wiped a single tear from her cheek and left the car.
Once inside they were greeted by a doctor who informed them of the seriousness of the situation. The words from his mouth cut like a knife. Mick thought of how many times the doctor had relayed the same information to others. Strangely, it was comforting that they were not the first people to face such news and they certainly wouldn’t be the last.
“Can we see her?” Mick asked.
“Of course, she’s back in her room.”
Walking down the corridor Maria’s mother stared into the various rooms. It was like a scene from a movie. Countless terminally ill people were all lying in bed. The lucky ones surrounded by loved ones, the unlucky had just the hospice staff for company. So many sick people, so much hurt, so much anger, so much pain. It was almost unbearable to witness. She thought about Maria and Jack, about how lucky they had been to find love and hope in place which miracles seemed impossible.
“Hey Honey, what’s all this about you causing trouble?”
Her father kissed her gently on the cheek. Her mother stayed by the door smiling kindly but she was secretly shocked by her daughter’s frailty. Maria was clearly sick now, sicker than ever before. There was no denying she was a dying woman.
“Hey, guys,” Maria said in a faint and groggy voice. Each word required more effort than her parents would ever realise. “I’m tired….so …tired.”
“That’s okay my love, get some rest, your father and I will go grab a coffee while you sleep.”
Her mom fought desperately to compose herself. All she wanted to do was burst into tears, the vision of her young daughter now struggling to say even the fewest of words. Maria reached out her hands towards her mother. Confused, she did not quite unders
tand what her daughter was looking for. Maria tried desperately to get the words outs of her mouth but it was almost impossible. Her mouth was as dry as a board and her throat seemed tight and swollen.
“HUU…Huuu…hug.” Maria eventually managed to say in a tone of voice lower than a whisper.
“She wants a hug!” her father looked at his wife with tears now rolling down his cheek.
Maria’s mom rushed to her daughter, wrapped her arms around her gently, and kissed the top of her head. She drew her daughters’ head in close to her chest. It was by far one of the saddest moments she had ever experienced. Memories of Maria as a baby flooded thought her head.
How? How did it come to this? In the name of God, what did my baby do to deserve this?
***
“Hey, son!” Jack’s father breezed quietly into the room. Jack lay on his side staring out the window into the outside gardens, unfazed by his father’s appearance. Grabbing the old leather chair, he placed it alongside Jack’s bed. Looking at his son he noticed how thin and frail he had become since he last saw him two days previous. There was no denying that things were going downhill, faster than anyone had ever expected.
“You not going to talk to your old man?”
Jack rolled onto the flat of his back, revealing two red eyes, fresh tears shining on his cheeks against the light of the outside sun. “Sorry Dad, today is just one of my bad days.”
“That’s okay, it’s to be expected… under the circumstances I mean.” Jack fathers felt uncomfortable, he didn’t know what to do, he didn’t know what to say, had and he never felt so utterly helpless in his entire life. It was a cruel situation. He wished he could change places with his son, he would jump into that hospice bed in an instant if he could swap.
Jack stared at the ceiling not wanting to make eye contact with his Dad.
“I’m so proud of you son, do you know that!”
“Proud?” Jack questioned.
“Yes, proud. You’ve achieved so much down through the years and now even in these dreadful circumstances, you’re coping better than I ever could. I’m the proudest Dad in the world right now.”
“It’s so sad though Dad, it’s just impossible to put into words. I had so many plans for the future, I wanted to do so many things and now all that’s been taken away from me. I can’t make peace with this, it’s just inconceivable. And I’m so worried about you and Mom and Johnny, how you will cope once I’m gone. Then there’s Maria…”
His father placed a hand on his shoulder, encouraging him to continue, no matter how difficult it was to sit there and listen too.
“She’s just amazing, I know it sounds daft but I love, I honestly do. Having weeks with her was bad enough but now she’s got an infection and she might not…….. Anyway, sorry I shouldn’t be laying all this on you.”
“You know one of the things that I was the proudest of our relationship.”
“What’s that?”
Well, could never talk to your grandfather about how I was feeling or anything of importance. He was born in a different generation where the only conversation he felt comfortable engaging in was small talk about work or the weather and the like.
But with you and me, we could always talk about everything, since you were small. Since that day you came home from school and told me you fancied Becky Watson or the day you came home from your best friend’s house and told me you tried alcohol. I am so proud that you trusted me, confided in me. I never had that with my father.”
“I guess I never thought of it like that. You were just always someone I could trust and I knew that no matter what I did, even if it was wrong, you’d always have my back.”
“Come ‘ere son.” Jack’s father wrapped around his son, and he felt so small in his arms.
As if he was a schoolboy once more.
Random visions of the past flashed before him. That time Jack fell from the swing and needed stitches in his knee. That time Jack arrived home from school in tears because he was bullied on his first day in high school. That day Jack opened up his workshop. Cherished moments he would never forget.
Chapter Fourteen
Nightfall had descended and the hospice grew quiet just like it did on all the previous nights. It was almost nine pm. Jack had not has an update on Maria’s condition. He decided that it was best not to visit her tonight because he was convinced he was the cause of her infection. It must have been all those late nights that had taken their toll on her.
Then he heard a faint knock on the door and he felt excitement rushing through him.
“It’s Maria,” he thought.
The door opened and Patricia appeared. Jack felt disappointed.
“Hey, Honey. How are you doing? I just came to give you an update on Maria before I head home.”
“How is she?” Jack enquired, fraught with worry.
“She’s okay. I’ve talked to the doctor and her blood count is better than it was this morning. Her condition is showing some improvement. She’s a fighter, Honey!”
“Thanks so much, Patricia. I appreciate you letting me know. Your sons are lucky to have a mom like you.”
“Try telling them that,” Patricia smiled and headed towards the door. “Good night, Honey. Oh, and by the way, a little lady across the hallway said she would love to see you. That is if you’re not too busy.” Patricia winked at Jack and left the room.
Jack jumped up from the bed and looked in the mirror. His hair was standing upright and his vest was all wrinkled.
“No time for that,” he thought making his way across the hall.
He entered the room slowly, without knocking on the door, for fear that he would wake her. He saw Maria lying there sound asleep. She looked so beautiful, so peaceful and so happy. Jack tiptoed across the floor and climbed slowly into the bed. Snuggling next her, he placed one arm around her and pulled up the covers.
“Jaaa….ck,” she said drowsily, her eyes still closed.
“I’m here Baby, I’m here.” A small smile spread across her face as he kissed her softly on the cheek. There they lay in the darkened room, two inseparable strangers.
***
Two days had passed. Maria’s infection had cleared much to the relief of her family, and Jack of course. While the good news was welcomed by all, the reality of her deteriorating condition put a damper on any celebrations. Infection or no infection she was dying and nobody could stop it. While she felt slightly better, she had not left the bed in three days and the nurses informed her family that more than likely she would spend her remaining days bedridden.
Jack, on the other hand, seemed to be defying the odds. Although dying, his symptoms were less debilitating. Dizzy spells, nausea and sudden bouts of weakness were all common occurrences, but nothing he couldn’t handle. The past couple of days had been his worst. Maria had slept through the past two days, which left him without her company. His only visitors had been his parents. Even Johnny had been busy studying for school exams and did not have time to visit.
Today, however, was a new day and he was relieved that Maria’s condition was improving.
It was midday and his mother was reading the paper in the leather armchair. Sometimes, it felt like they had run out of things to talk about. There was so much to say, but it was difficult to find the right words.
“Not yet,” he thought. “Everyone will have time to say what needs to be said when the timing is right.”
He wanted to tell his mom how much he loved her. He also wanted to say that she was the best mom ever. He wanted to tell her how proud he was of her, but the fear of upsetting her prevented him from doing so.
“Is there anything you want to talk about, Pet?”
His mother peered over the top of the newspaper and looked at him as if she could read every thought that was running through his head.
“No, I’m all good, thanks. Well, there is something. on my mind”
His mother’s back straightened as she placed the newspaper on the small cir
cular table. She took off her reading glasses and smiled lovingly at her son.
“It’s Maria. I want to do something special for her but I’m not sure what to do. We had talked about getting out of here for a day and going into Charlestown but that’s not going to happen now is it?” he said sadly.
“I see,” his mother replied while resting her chin on her hand.
“We have so little time left. I know that. It doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy ourselves. We can still make some memories and enjoy what little time we have left.”
His mother was surprised by her strength and managed to swallow the lump in her throat that was threatening to choke her. Then, she continued the conversation with poise and grace.
“Have you thought about treating her to a meal?”
“Where? Here?”
“Why not, you’d be surprised what a few candles and some white sheets could do to this place.” She studied the interior of the room as if imagining what it would look like all done up.
“What about the food?” Jack asked, still puzzled by his mom’s suggestion.
“Oh, don’t worry about that,” his mother replied. “All the good restaurants in town do take-out, or I could rustle up a lovely meal for two.”
“Would you mom?” Jack asked. “Your cooking is the best in town!”
“Consider it done,” she said, with the smile on her face hiding the heartache inside.
***
After lunch, Jack headed across the hall to check on Maria. Visitors usually stayed during lunchtime or returned later in the afternoon. After knocking quietly on the door, he opened it and found himself walking into a room full of people.
“Hey, you!” Maria said, smiling from the bed. She could tell Jack had not expected such a crowd.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to intrude,” Jack stuttered.
“You must be Jack, said Maria’s father, as he stood looking protectively at Maria. Then he looked Jack up and down. Eventually, he extended his hand for a handshake.
“Yes, Sir. It’s nice to finally meet you.”
Maria’s father nodded sternly.
“Don’t mind him, Hon. His bark is worse than his bite!”