Insurmountable

by T. E. White

  “Mom, Dad,” Red said to a woman as striking as her daughter. There was no doubt genes were shared between the two. They were practically twins. The man, on the other hand, shared no likeness. She’d told me that her mother wasn’t married to her biological father, but that he’d practically raised her. It was a sensitive subject that I hadn’t pressed her on. “Tade, these are my parents, Elizabeth and Jim Abby.”

  “Hi, I’m Tade Astor.” I held out my right hand to shake first her dad’s, then her mom’s. “And you are as stunning as your daughter. I know where she gets her beauty from.” It was a classic line but in this case so very true.

  “Nice to meet you. Reagan has told us all about you,” her mom said, wearing a genuine smile I recognized from Reagan’s repertoire.

  My finger rubbed against the absence of my wedding ring on my finger. Funny how something I’d only been wearing a week or so could make my finger feel so naked without it. Being as covert as I could, I felt for it in my pocket, needing the reassurance.

  “And she’s had nothing but good things to say about you all,” I added ending the silence.

  “Should we find your parents?” Red asked. When I nodded, she clung to my hand and gave it a little squeeze.

  A queasy feeling came over me. I hadn’t thought I was nervous, but going to tell my father had stirred something in me. I’d gone against everything he would have wanted me to do in the situation. Silently I hoped he wouldn’t cause a scene, and would remain ever the politician until he had me alone behind closed doors.

  We walked down an aisle crowded with families and friends giving congratulations to those of us who’d made it this long journey. I caught sight of my father’s head. His back was to us and I couldn’t be sure who he was talking too. I felt in my pocket for my ring and slipped it on, not sure if I would end up spilling the news right there, or if we would do it at dinner as planned.

  When I felt Red’s nervousness through our connected hands, I turned and smiled at her. I mouthed I love you. And she mouthed it back. I gestured at her hand and showed her mine. She nodded and dropped her hand from mine to open the bag on her shoulder. She slipped on her rings out of sight of her parents, who were somewhere behind us. By the time we reached my parents, my nerves were gone. This was my decision. I loved the woman next to me with all of my being. She was the right choice and my father would just have to deal with it.

  I tapped Dad’s shoulder and he and Mom turned as one. My father wore shades and his hand came up to slide them down. A gasp sounded behind me at the same time my mother covered her mouth with a hand, wearing a wide-eyed expression.

  I had no idea what was going on but I moved on. “Mom, Dad, I’d like you to meet Reagan, my wife.”

  That was at the same time that a flash went off and a mic was pushed in between us. We had been discovered. I wasn’t sure if my parents had been blindsided or if this was a planned photo opp.

  “Your son is married. Congratulations,” the reporter said. I barely saw the woman, keeping my eyes on my father.

  Dad wore a mask of happiness but I saw the darkness around the corners of his eyes. He was furious with me. Red’s hand went limp in mine and I felt her being drawn away. I knew I should have prepared her for the limelight. Hadn’t Mom warned me? Would this be the breaking point to our relationship?

  “Give us a minute,” Dad growled at the reporter. Security stepped in and shuffled them away. By now we had an audience. I glanced back at Red to see her with a pained expression. It looked like she was choking back tears. “Do you have a place to talk?”

  I sought out my mother’s eyes for an ally, but she looked as horrified as everyone else. Okay, maybe announcing I was married here had been a rash move. And then there was the press that now had the news.

  “We can go back to our hotel.”

  My father nodded and I glanced back at Red and her parents. They nodded too. I went to take Red’s hand but she folded into her mother and they walked away. I turned back to my parents, whose retreating forms had gotten away from me. I rushed ahead, spying Gavin on the way. I nodded at him, knowing he’d get that I’d talk to him later. He wore a look of despondency or anger. I couldn’t puzzle it out. I was too busy trying to figure out how to fix my own mess.

  The driver gestured me to the front after my parents had been seated in the back. When the privacy glass was raised, I guessed my parents wanted to hash things out before finding some singular front from which to attack any justification I might have. Really, it was my life.

  The elevator ride was awkward at best. My mother had pity shining in her eyes. I looked away from both of them in favor of reading the elevator safety sign. I had my own warnings. I didn’t care about my father’s political aspirations. There could be nothing he could do or say to convince me I’d made the wrong choice.

  When we stepped into the room, already filled with Red and her mother locked in a tearful embrace, the vibration of my own anger dimmed. Her father stood just off to the side, arms folded, wearing worry like a shield.

  I stopped in front of Red and turned to my father. “I know what you all think.” I took in the room before I continued with words that hadn’t been on the menu for tonight. “I know this is sudden. But you have to realize we love each other.” I turned back to Red and glanced at her mom. “I love her with all of me.”

  “Tade.” My father’s command had me spinning around to face him. I was dizzy with anger and spoiling for a fight. “You have to get this annulled immediately.”

  “Dad, I won’t.” The level of sound from my voice may not have matched my father’s but it was strong and steady.

  “Tade. You have to understand—”

  There was nothing my father could say to undo this. “No, you have to understand. You think somehow I’ve embarrassed you. You think that maybe I won’t follow through with your plan for me to attend Harvard. But I’m going, and Reagan’s going as my wife.”

  When I turned back to reach for Reagan’s hand her mother intervened, stepping between us. In the meantime, Dad bellowed, “Tade, you guys can’t be married.”

  My father had always been a bully. I recognized it in that moment although I’d always known, just hadn’t given voice to it.

  “But we are.” I faced him and held up my hand, pointing to my ring and did a one-eighty for everyone to see.

  When I made it back to face Reagan, her eyes were spilling with tears and her hands were clapped over her mouth. The sparkle from her rings said she was still mine but something in her eyes said another.

  A riptide of emotions clamped down on my throat, rendering me unable to speak. I wanted to reach for her hand before I let my own fall away. Stunned, I’d been unable to do anything but stare at the mouths that had continued to speak. However, the ringing in my ears prevented me from hearing a coherent word.

  A single ember burned a chasm down my cheek. The blazing hot tear was as unfamiliar as it was appropriate given the situation. My world had burned to ash with the things said and not said in that room.

  I felt like a foreigner while the walls moved in on me like a house of cards ready to fall. Claustrophobia had set in and finally I turned to the woman behind me.

  “Don’t,” I said, watching her horror. She gazed at me like I was a monster. The stranger reflected in her eyes wasn’t me. “Please.” It was almost pathetic how I pleaded. How the mighty had fallen. I felt their pity and scorned them for it.

  One woman had made me weak and I hated it and didn’t care all at the same time. She was it for me. If somehow they succeeded in poisoning her with their blasphemy, I would live my life a lonely and broken man. No way could I survive without her.

  My father’s voice morphed as his face softened. He stepped over to me, placing a firm hand on my shoulder and I felt comfort in waves off him. Further confusion came when his voice cracked as he spoke his next words.

  AFTER

  31

  The world exploded into silence. I felt like I was floating,
because surely the floor had disappeared beneath me, and how could I be standing otherwise? What had been so clear before me blurred. I thought maybe I was going blind too, only to realize that my eyes had water in them. I blinked the tears back because surely I was being punked.

  My father’s words, She’s your sister, replayed in my head as I tried to make sense of them.

  The phrase bounced around in my mind as everything else was quiet around me. There had been sobs, but all that drifted away after he said those words.

  “She can’t be my sister,” I muttered while laughing, because this was ridiculous. “Our birthdays are months apart. Mom couldn’t have had a baby so soon.”

  In retrospect, the answer was in front of me. But news like that had a way of making one stupid. Reagan was the spitting image of her mother, and what man could resist that.

  “Son, Liz and I… met long ago.”

  I held up a hand to put a halt to the story I had no desire to hear. “She’s not my sister. She’s my wife and she’s having my baby.”

  My mother sat with a thud on the bed’s comforter. If I was thinking clearly, I would have realized it would have taken incredible news for her to sit on something that probably hadn’t been washed in several uses beyond Red and my staying there.

  Red rushed for the bathroom with her mother sobbing loudly following behind. My legs were longer and I pushed around my father and closed the door between Red’s mother and us. She was on her knees, spewing out whatever she ate at lunch. I turned the lock and fell to my knees, pushing her hair to the side.

  “This is some bullshit. It’s isn’t true. It can’t be. I can’t be in love with my sister.”

  She choked harder, with tears falling in to the bowl. I rubbed her back, not knowing what else to say. “I love you, Biscuit. Will figure this out?”

  She nodded and turned into my embrace before being consumed with another violent purge from her belly. Long moments after she stopped, a soft knock came at the door. I glanced at her and she nodded. I stood and helped her to her wobbly feet. She stepped over to the sink and rinsed her mouth out. I waited for her to find the words to reassure me, but they didn’t come.

  With a heavy heart, I opened the door. Her mom stepped in the room to embrace her daughter.

  “Tade, we should go,” my father demanded, standing just outside the door.

  I shook my head in disbelief. I wouldn’t be going anywhere. I swiveled around, hopefully to catch Red sharing my feeling, but her eyes were dull. She had a lifeless look about her as if she were clinging to the world by a thread.

  “Tade,” her mother said. “I think we need time. Time alone.”

  My mouth gaped. I wanted to argue but it was time for Red to fight for me. When she said nothing, my heart cracked. Somehow, I made it to the elevator with only my bag, not my wife. My parents stepped off, and I slowly followed behind, feeling this surreal dream-like quality to everything around me.

  “Maybe we could have dinner and talk.”

  Mom meant well, but I was done with talking. The only person I needed to talk to was up in our room.

  I shook my head. I strode past them and to the valet. I handed them the ticket for my car and watched my parents walk away, with my mother trying her best to coax me to go with them with subtle looks over her shoulder.

  It wasn’t until they’d driven off that I breathed. I had many moments to want to call Gavin and get this shit off my back. But what do you say to someone? I’m in love with my sister and by the way, she’s pregnant with my kid.

  He may have been my best friend but I had no idea how he would react. This wasn’t something you ever pondered. Plus, if he somehow let it slip to someone else, it wasn’t my life I was worried would be ruined. It was Red’s. Who knew how the public would react, and she was the one carrying our child. And our kid was even more innocent than we were in this mess.

  I stopped at the store to pick up some of my friends. I left with Jack, Johnnie, Jose and Jim, the four amigos. The bottles were stashed in a brown paper bag I clung to my chest. My new best mates would be all I had if Red didn’t come back to me. I was certain by the time night was over, they would have me talking, even if it was to myself.

  32

  The phone never rang, despite my willing it to do so. Days went by and I ignored every other ring and every other text, waiting for her. I needed to know where we stood. See, that was the sick part of me. Even knowing what I knew, I still wanted her like mad. She was the light in the darkness. I’d meant every word of my vow, and couldn’t stop loving her just because our parents failed to share a vital secret with us.

  The door opened, and I blinked at the brightness. With the curtains drawn, I hadn’t known whether it was night or day when my parents strolled in. I wiped at the corners of my mouth, even though I didn’t care what they thought of me.

  “Tade, honey, you look horrible.”

  I punched the blanket that covered the sofa where I’d slept the past few days. The idea of sleeping without Red in my bed, or any bed for that matter, gave me heartburn.

  “Thanks, Mom,” I said sarcastically.

  They sat in the chairs opposite me, both appearing resolute in this intervention of theirs. This wasn’t entirely Mom’s fault. She had been a victim too, at least by my father. He’d cheated on her. That much I believed. Since Reagan was younger than me, that was my assumption. I guessed thinking about it, it was possible my mother had been the other woman.

  “Tade, this has to stop. You need to get your act cleaned up and realize—” Dad began.

  “Realize what? That you’re a lying cheating bastard?”

  Dad stiffened at my rebuke.

  “Tade,” Mom gasped.

  I knew this was true. He’d cheated on one of them.

  “You’re right. I made a mistake long ago that I paid for.” He sat back in the chair like his words weighed him down.

  “And that I’m paying for now.” My voice quavered but not from fear. I ground my teeth in frustration at my lack of control over this situation.

  “You’re mother forgave me, and I hope you can forgive me too.”

  “Forgive?” Was he crazy?

  “It was one night. Your mother was pregnant and sick all the time. I was young and on the campaign trail. Liz worked hard trying to help me win the election. I’d never been unfaithful. It was late, and it happened.”

  “It happened,” I repeated, hitting my head on the sofa back when I closed my eyes for patience.

  “Only once, and I told Liz it was a mistake. She resigned as my campaign manager and we went our separate ways.”

  “Until.” I breathed, knowing what came next in the story.

  “Until she told me she was pregnant.”

  “It’s no wonder you preached to me about wrapping it up. No worries Dad, I used a condom.” I laughed, Jose still churning in my gut, mixed with a little Jack to chase down my troubles. “It broke.”

  I’d never ever planned on telling my parents that little nugget of information, but since we were sharing, why the hell not?

  A shudder ran through me after I leaned forward and snagged Johnnie off the coffee table. The burn didn’t even bother me as I drank straight from the bottle.

  “Son.”

  “Nope, I wasn’t your only child. And if you’d been honest I would have had a sister, not a wife.” Another chuckled escaped me. After another swig from my drink, I slurred, “A pregnant wife… who’s my sister.”

  “Tade, honey, drinking isn’t the answer.”

  “And what is the answer, Mom? Why is my last name Astor and not McKlean like Dad’s?”

  I’d always believed that it was another way to protect me from the press. I was now certain that wasn’t exactly true.

  Mom glanced away. Dad, ever the politician, came in smoothly with an answer. “Your mother was planning to leave me. She didn’t want the scandal of my transgressions to impact you. She chose at your birth to give you her name. It was a while before she
forgave me and came back. By then I’d made financial arrangements with Liz, and she signed a non-disclosure agreement.”

  “You just wiped everything away with money. Did you ever see her when she was growing up?”

  He shook his head. “Her mother and I thought it best after she married Jim, that I stay away.”

  “Did you see her before then?”

  Something told me Reagan knew who her father was. I’d been thinking about her reaction at the graduation. I was sure I’d been the only one not to know what was going on.

  He didn’t answer, only dropped his eyes to his hands. I turned my gaze to Mom. “I told you about my girlfriend. Why not say something then?”

  “You said her name was Reagan, and had red hair. We know her as Caroline Reagan Windsor not Reagan Abby. I just didn’t think about her middle name. And the last picture we’d received of her, her hair was a chestnut brown.”

  So Reagan had changed her hair color. It didn’t matter because I looked damn good as a redhead.

  “Didn’t you guys think to tell me she was going to St. Mary’s, and maybe I might find her attractive?”

  Dad peeked up and spoke. “I had no idea she was going to St. Mary’s. I’d been told she’d chosen Stanford.”

  “And of course you don’t keep up with what she’s doing, so you never found out she changed her mind. You just wrote a check and washed your hands of her.”

  “It isn’t like that. She had a father.”

  “And I had a sister, but nobody bloody thought to tell me. What about growing up?” I closed my mouth realizing I had the answer. “You sent me away so that I wouldn’t run into her.”

  “Tade,” Mom began. She kept saying my name like it was an anchor to this madness.

  I wanted to tell her to stop saying it. It felt fake and foreign. Dad’s name was Tate. Mom had cleverly named me Tade instead of Tate, Jr. Silently, I wondered if it had been to spite my father all those years ago.