Fight Like A Mitchell

by Jennifer Foor

  I purposely pull the covers up to my chin to hide every inch of skin from his view. After the ending to my bath, I’m reluctant to accept his affection because I know exactly where it will lead.

  Crawling on the bed, up to no good, Jax comes up and lays his chin on my chest. His eyes are staring at me, forcing me to give them attention. “What?”

  “I need a favor.”

  With an eye roll, I sigh, knowing this can’t be anything serious. “What?”

  “I need you to start a group chat with the family, like the one we used for the fundraiser.”

  “Can’t I use the one we already have going on?”

  “Sure, have at it.”

  Pulling my phone off the nightstand, I wait for him to tell me what I’m supposed to be sending.

  “Okay, type this. We nominate Uncle Limpy for the wet t-shirt contest.”

  I stop typing before the words end. “What? Who is Uncle Limpy?”

  “Just type it. It’s an inside joke.”

  Shaking my head, I finish the sentence and sit my phone on the nightstand. “Happy now? Why couldn’t you do it?”

  He rolls off of me onto his side. “I just didn’t want to be blamed in case it’s something bad.”

  “Bad?” My eyes widen. “What the hell did you just make me do?”

  “Don’t worry, they never blame the hot chick.”

  “Oh my God! You asshole.” I kick him until he slides off the other side of the bed. “How could you?”

  He’s laughing. “It’s fine. Everyone will laugh. No big deal.”

  “Who is Uncle Limpy?”

  Jax shakes his head. “The less you know the better.”

  After I toss his pillow on the floor, I point to the door. “Go sleep with the dog.”

  “Baby, come on. It’s nothing.”

  My phone starts blowing up with responses. Most are the cousins asking who Uncle Limpy is, but then one comes through that makes my stomach knot up. It’s from my father-in-law Ty. Nothing he does is taken serious.

  LMFAO – Ty

  Now I know I’ve done something terrible. Cringing with the idea of someone being angry with me, I turn off my phone. It’s late and I’ll deal with the repercussions of listening to my husband in the morning.

  Chapter 13

  Pot calling the kettle

  Ty

  My wife went to bed furious with me, and she didn’t wake up any better. “Don’t look at me like that, Ty. You made this mess. You swore you were done with it.”

  “I didn’t do anything. That message could have been for anyone. Maybe it’s an inside joke between the others.”

  “An inside joke that happens to coincide with Colt being unable to ….” She’s waving the whole situation away, as if that works. “I can’t even talk about this.”

  “Baby, come on. It’s still early. Come back to bed. We can cuddle it out.”

  Miranda leaves me to sulk in my room. She only comes back in to throw my cell phone on the bed. When I take a look at it I see I have messages from both Colt and Van.

  This can’t be good.

  Did you put Amber up to that? – Van

  I have lost all trust in you. Fuck off, Ty. – Colt

  This is bad.

  It wasn’t me guys. – Ty I send it in a group message hoping they’ll both see it. The only thing worse than being reamed out is being completely ignored. Not only do they refuse to respond, but I don’t hear from them at all, not for the weeks leading up the fundraiser.

  In that time I’ve confronted Jax, the culprit of the whole mess. He’d come over to watch a football game, acting as if nothing was wrong. With his feet up on my coffee table, he proceeded to bring up the text message event, and how Amber was so embarrassed when they realized what the nickname meant. He was carrying on about her trying to apologize, but not having the guts to call Colt up and discuss his penis problems.

  Since it took Miranda days to look at me, I’ve been on my best behavior, even when it’s been hard going without talking to my closest cousins. A few days before the fundraiser the whole family travels to the Kentucky Ranch to prepare for the event. The location changed three times because of the amount of expected participants. We’re now set up outside of Louisville at a stadium. Since I’m on everyone’s shit list, I’ve been assigned to help the staging people set up for the concert. I know the family has put me there to keep me from running into Colt. Apparently he’s still salty about the whole ordeal. I guess things still aren’t looking up for him. If you catch my drift.

  It’s lonely working by myself. It’s the punishment they’ve all agreed to give me. My punishment isn’t as bad as the twins though. Jake and Jax have been assigned to trash and septic duty. With porta pots being the only form of bathroom, they have to make sure they are fully stock with paper and sanitizer. Not only that, but they have to keep the grounds as clean as possible so we aren’t fined. Just to make sure they feel like jackasses, the girls even made them bright orange vests that say POOP PATROL on the backs.

  Miranda comes looking for me after everyone is finished for the day. Assuming we’re all going to get together for dinner I discover we’ve been uninvited. For the first time ever, we’re not even staying with Van and Colt. Instead we’re in the main ranch house with some of the cousins. It’s a low blow, but I get it. We messed with Colt’s pride. We told his secret and he’s still pissed.

  “Just keep the peace, Ty. Let it go. It’s a couple more days.” Miranda has repeated that sentence or close to it since we arrived, but it’s not gotten easier. I want to sit around drinking and playing cards like we always do. I want to be able to crack on Colt and hear everyone in the room laughing their asses off.

  Lucky for us the grandkids keep us occupied. Instead of the big family dinner, we take them out for pizza. It’s weird being in Kentucky and only spending time with out immediate family. Even Colt’s kids are giving us the cold shoulder, well some of them. Cole is pretty cool. He stays out of the drama. Ethan does whatever Christian tells him. Noah thought the whole ordeal was funny until he had to be around his dad. Then he changed his story. My Godson is a pussy.

  Conner and Amy are pretty neutral. It’s hard for them to side with either of us, but Miranda is Conner’s sister so he doesn’t really have a choice. No one wants to get on her bad side.

  After dinner we arrive back at the ranch and I lose it. I can’t play this game anymore. I love my kids, but I can see them every day at home. Bella and Rusty are somewhere with their cousins, but the rest of us are being treated like strangers.

  Against my wife’s wishes, I grab Jax, who is the real person at fault, and we ride over to Colts. “We’re not leaving until you apologize and he stops being pissed at me.”

  “Fine, Dad. I’ll take the blame for this one. I’ll do it for you.”

  “Look, it was funny, especially when you didn’t know what it actually meant.”

  “You’re the one who made it up. You told us to call him Uncle Limpy.”

  “Yeah, well I didn’t tell you to do it in a group family chat. That was pretty fucking low, kid.”

  “It was funny.”

  “For like a minute. Then I knew I was screwed.”

  We pull up at the house. Pointing in the direction of the front door, I give him directions. “You should go first, get a feel or how they’ll react to seeing me.”

  “Hell no! That’s like jumping in front of a bus. Do you think I’m crazy?”

  “A little.”

  Jax refuses. “No way. Get your ass up and apologize first.”

  He’s walking away, headed back the way we came. “You know I’ve got your back any other time, but not for this.” He motions with his hands. “This mess between the two of you needs to get figured out. You started this, Dad.”

  “Now you’re on their side?”

  “You taught me to own my mistakes. You screwed up and took something personal and made it public. It was a dick move.”

  “You’re right. Y
ou’re all right.”

  “Finally admitting you’re an asshole?” Colt’s voice appears from behind. Had I known he was outside I would have made a different approach.

  “I’ve never denied being a dickhead. You of all people should know that.”

  “Yeah, except most people grow up or out of it. You’re still the same prick from when we were kids. Now you’ve got your own boys acting just like you.”

  “Don’t do that. Don’t bring in my parenting, Colt. You know I’m a good father. I’d do anything for my kids.”

  “You’ve taught them to be disrespectful.”

  “Oh, get off your high horse. Your own son ran off because he couldn’t stand the way you control everything. None of us are perfect.”

  “Perfect?” He questions. “You can’t used a word like that. Nothing about you is perfect. You’re defective. Everything you touch is tainted.”

  I can’t help but to bite my tongue when he uses the word taint. Right away I think of the skin between the dick and balls. It’s not my fault. I can’t help myself.

  “You can’t ignore me forever. We’re kin.”

  “You’re the black sheep, and I’m tired of pretending it doesn’t annoy the shit out of me.”

  “Come on. We’ve all messed around. We’ve been pranking ach other for years.”

  Out of the corner of my eye I notice the porch is filling with the people that were inside. They’re all watching and listening to this confrontation.

  I clap my hands together. “Fine, you want to settle this? Let’s do it the old fashioned way. One on one. You beat my ass and I’ll walk away. I win and you have to forgive me.”

  “That’s ridiculous. I’m not fighting you.”

  I shove him. It’s a gut reaction. He’s pissed and it’s infuriating me that he won’t give in.

  Colt turns around and shoves back. “Go away, Ty. You don’t want to do this. The whole family is here. You own grandchildren are here. Is this what you want them thinking is okay?”

  “I want them to grow up knowing nothing is more important than the bond between a family.”

  “Well, you should have through about that before you ran your mouth and humiliated me.”

  Chapter 14

  The real hero

  Jake

  It feels like I’m in the middle. Dad and Jax had words, and now Mom is looking to me to be the peacemaker. I can’t believe it’s gotten this bad. At first Reese and I assumed it was a joke. We thought Uncle Colt tripped and messed up his leg or something. Never would I have guessed he was suffering from a medical issue. Then it all made sense. It wasn’t about my father’s jokester personality. It was about taking something that wasn’t funny and publicizing it. The poor man is going through hell and Dad made a joke about it. He went as far as hiring a stripper to dance for him in a public restaurant. Then he proceeded to convince my brother to refer to Uncle Colt as Uncle Limpy.

  It’s all too much. He went too far, and now the repercussions are more than he can handle. Somewhere in the back of my mind I always feared this. I know he’d piss someone else off and we’d have to suffer because of it. What he didn’t understand was that, not only did he hurt himself, but everyone who cares about him.

  No one has ever been there for my dad more than Uncle Colt. Not even Uncle Conner. It’s hard knowing they’ve been avoiding each other for weeks. I don’t think that’s happened in their whole adult lives.

  Enough is enough. I’m sick of hearing about it. I’m tired of us not being able to all be together. Our family is about to host the largest fundraiser in Mitchell history and two of the patriarchs are at war. We can’t be united if we’re divided.

  Reese stirs in the bed next to me. I’m lucky to have such a strong wife and mother for our children. She’s the smart one who helps me figure out problems I can’t find solutions for. She also knows how to deal with my brother. We’ve been taught to joke around. Everyone enjoys a good laugh, but when it costs someone else their happiness, it’s not exactly humor. Instead it’s cruel.

  I’ve been sitting on the edge of the bed for nearly an hour. I’m tired, but my mind won’t let me fall asleep. I’m too wired with ideas. We have one more day before the big event and it’s like walking on eggshells. Something has to give. We need to find a neutral ground and solve this.

  After sitting, I decided to pace, which leads me downstairs. I find Noah holding his youngest. He’s feeding the child a bottle and motions for me to be quiet. My cousin takes the baby upstairs, but returns a few minutes later. “What’re you doing up? Did the baby wake you?”

  “Na. I’ve been up for hours. Just thinking about our dads and this stupid fucking feud they have going on. This can’t continue.”

  Noah leans on the edge of the sofa and nods. “Yeah, I know.”

  “We’ve got to do something. We’re supposed to be this awesome family everyone wishes they were a part of and we can’t even resolve our issues.”

  “Dad’s pissed. Mom says he needs time, but he’s stubborn.”

  “Yeah, well we have one day.” I pause for a moment. “I think we should force them to be alone together.”

  “I don’t know. They could get violent.”

  My head is shaking as he says it. “No. Even if that happened, they wouldn’t hurt one another, not seriously.”

  “What do you have in mind?”

  “You still have those fishing rods?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Good. We’re taking out the boat tomorrow. I’ve got a plan.”

  “I hope you know what you’re doing.”

  “Yeah. Me too.”

  Noah and I make a pact not to tell anyone else of our plans. Too many people would want to get involved and the whole thing could fall apart.

  We decided early in the morning that we’d have to separately lure the men without the other knowing. In order to do this, we’ve enlisted the help of Jax and Josh. Noah figures that four of us can handle them if they try to get out of it.

  The plan is simple. We take two boats out on the water, and then when they aren’t paying attention we put a bag over their heads and zip tie their hands. We’ll then transfer them onto the same watercraft, lift off the bags and take off leaving them without a motor or paddle to get back. It will be up to them to figure out how to free themselves and return to shore.

  While they’re busy, we’ll head to the sight location of the event and do everyone’s duties so no one notices their absence. If this doesn’t work I don’t know what will.

  Why we assumed this would go over well was beyond me. I chalk it up to being dog ass tired when we made the plan. Uncle Colt loves to fish, so luring him onto the boat wasn’t difficult for Noah. He simply invited his father for an early morning trip and they were off.

  Dad was a different story. He questioned why we wanted to go. Then he complained about sleeping like shit since he was in a bedroom he’d never slept in before. Then he counted the rods and wondered why there wasn’t enough for all of us. Finally, I decided it wouldn’t hurt to come clean with him, because I knew how much Dad wanted things to go back to normal.

  “You want me to what? Hell no. He’ll throw me overboard and let me drown.”

  “No he won’t,” Jax fusses.

  “Yeah, you don’t know him like I do. He wants me gone.”

  “Dad,” I start. “You’ll be fine. Just act like you have to work together. He doesn’t have a choice. If you don’t free him, no one will.”

  We provide dad with a pen knife and get him ready for transport. After sending Noah the text message, we wait until we know he’s successfully managed to restrain his dad and put the bag over his head. Then we head out.

  As we pull up Uncle Colt is struggling to free himself from the zip ties. He’s rocking back and forth, causing the boat to make waves. We coast up beside him and work fast, getting Dad moved over and then helping Noah situate him across from Uncle Colt. We then pull of the bags and jump on our spare boat before leaving them a
nchored in the middle of the family pond.

  Uncle Colt does most of the cussing. At one point I’m not sure if he’s yelling at us or Dad. A part of me feels guilty for doing this, but what choice do we have? Those two men are too stubborn to forgive each other. This is the only way.

  “Uncle Colt is going to kick our asses,” Josh assumes.

  “Yeah, I reckon he’ll be pretty mad once they’re back.”

  “Good thing we’ll be at the stadium,” Jax adds.

  I nod. “True. I don’t even mind doing extra so we take longer.”

  “No one else knows, right?” Noah is worried we’ll be discovered, even though we made sure to take both cell phones from the men’s pockets.

  “No. We didn’t tell anyone. As far as everyone knows they went fishing.” I want to laugh as I say it but refrain. This could blow up in our faces. Only time will tell.

  Chapter 15

  Stranded with the asshole

  Colt

  I can’t believe I let my son do this to me. It happened too quick for me to react. He had bound my hands behind my back, pretending to give me some new stretch he heard about. I trusted him.

  It’s bad enough I’m bound to the boat, but now I’m having to stare at Ty’s face the whole time. “Guess this was intentional?” I say to him.

  He shrugs. “It wasn’t my idea.”

  My jaw clenches. We haven’t been speaking for weeks. Last night I didn’t want him near me. Today hasn’t changed my mind. “Whatever. I’ll just wait it out and let them come help us.”

  Ty looks around. The guys have already docked the boat and left, driving away on the four-wheelers. There’s no sign that they’ll be back at all. “Doubt it.”

  “Just keep your mouth shut over there. I don’t need commentary.”

  “Whatever. We wouldn’t be in this mess if you’d just let it go.”

  “Let it go? I knew from the start you’d blow this whole thing out of proportion. You and your cracks are why we ain’t speaking. Don’t you dare blame this on me, Ty.”