Bound Beneath His Pain: A Dirty Little Secrets Novel

by Stacey Kennedy

  She looks fresh, natural.

  Blood rushes to my cock, throbbing to be inside of her, making everything inside of me okay. I slowly glance up her body to look at her face again, finding her glare. That I can handle. I feel better being with her when she’s angry than not being near her at all.

  She crosses her arms, not allowing me inside. “Care to tell me how you got into my building?”

  I suspect she’s considering all the ways I had gotten past her security guard without notifying her; bribery being the biggest contender, I’m sure. “I own the building,” I offer.

  “Of course you do,” she grumbles, suddenly beginning to examine me from head to toe, taking in my black Holt T-shirt, black baseball cap, and workout pants. While I see the quick flare of heat in her eyes as she lingers a little too long over me, it’s when she looks into my face that her hard exterior softens slightly. “Are you okay?”

  “No.” Lack of sleep and a hangover being the cause. Which is still a surprise to me. I’m a drinker, but I never get drunk. Anything that steals my control is weakness in my eyes. Last night marks the first night I’ve been drunk since Harvard, and the last thing I remember is Levi depositing me into the backseat of the Bentley.

  We stay in a staring contest, while she’s still not moving away from the door. I finally sigh. “Can we talk?”

  Her eyes narrow a little, but she slowly opens the door and lets me inside. I enter through the threshold, surprise rushing across me. She doesn’t live like a woman who has the money I suspect she does in her bank account.

  Simple, yet tasteful; her condo is a lot like the woman herself.

  I remove my shoes at the door, as she’s walking toward her open concept living room. My sock-covered feet slide on her hardwood floors, when I follow her in and take a seat next to her on her couch. Her leg brushes against mine, and I see the way she stiffens and understand why. The same jolt of energy passes through me, too.

  This thing between us it’s infectious. I can’t deny it either. Fuck, if I could, I wouldn’t be here. All I know is I can’t survive another day like yesterday. Something’s gotta give.

  I clench my fists, digging my fingers into my palms, trying to ignore the urge to bring her closer to me. It’s not so much a want as it is a need. She’s too far away from me right now. My mind is spinning, as I’m fighting to find the right words to say to her. She wants me to be this different guy. One I don’t know. But I want to be him for her, too. The one who knows how to do relationships.

  I know how to fulfill desires. I know how to handle a woman’s body. But I don’t know how to deal delicately with a woman’s heart. “I shouldn’t be here,” is what finally comes out of my mouth.

  “You shouldn’t be here?” she asks, incredulous. “That’s the first thing you say to me? Oh, my God, Micah. You’re seriously unbelievable.” She rises to her feet, arms flailing in the air. “I mean, you want me, you get me, you have me, then you leave me, but regret it later. Now you want to talk to me, but you shouldn’t be here.” She folds her arms, glaring. “Do I have that right?”

  I nod.

  She snorts and shakes her head in clear disbelief. “To be honest, Micah, this has all gotten a bit too complicated for me. I told you yesterday that it wasn’t going to work, and clearly it’s not.” She turns to move toward the door. “I think it’s best if you go—”

  “Stop.”

  I’m not sure what she hears in my voice that makes her freeze on the spot. I’m not even sure what I’m feeling, but the tension in my chest is squeezing my lungs and I can hardly breathe. She’s not looking at me, just staring at the door. She’s not even moving. But all I can manage is “Please. Stop.”

  She turns then, eyebrows drawn together.

  I bow my head, unable to look at her, not wanting to show her weakness. Whenever she stares at me so intently, she bares me. She strips every layer, every shield, and I’m not even thinking of what I should or shouldn’t do. I only know that today I needed to come here. And now that I’m here, I can’t leave.

  She finally gives a long-suffering sigh and approaches, stopping in front of me. “What do you want, Micah?”

  Her soft pink-painted toes fill my vision. But I don’t need to see her. I feel her. I’ve felt her from the second I met her. The light of her warms the chill out of me. “You.”

  “Why?”

  I want to stay silent. I know I can’t. Not anymore. “It’s like you have this secret that I don’t know yet. That somehow if I spend a little more time with you, I’m going to be let in on it.” I lift my head and stare into her eyes, watching her hair gently fall off her shoulders to curtain her face. “Every time I shut my eyes, you’re there. Every time I try not to think about you, you’re all I can think about. You’re haunting me. Every minute, every second, there’s nowhere to hide.”

  I see a crack in her hard stare, the warmth I crave slowly showing through. “Then why shouldn’t you be here?”

  I’m desperate to reach out and touch her. Instead, I clench my fists on my legs. “Because you deserve better than me. Because—”

  “If you think that, then why are you here?”

  “I can’t stay away.” I could give her a dozen answers that I assume will appease her. But I want to give her the one answer that she deserves. She wants real, and in this conversation, I can give her that. I know I need to give her that. “I already told you, it’s like you have this secret that I need to find out. A secret that has sunk its claws into me and refuses to let go.” I’m not thinking consequences when I rise from the couch and stand in front of her. It’s like I’m pulled by my words, compelled to move like a magnet to the one thing it needs. “A secret that has crashed the world I control. A secret that has somehow slipped the firm hand I live by. A secret that has all but destroyed every barrier I’ve ever put in place.”

  I take a step toward her, closing in and inhaling her sweet, flowery scent. She surprisingly stays put when I cup her face in my hands. “I feel…” I pause, trying to put everything I’ve felt this past day into words. “I feel better when I’m with you and unwound when I’m not.” I squeeze my hands around her face, hoping to protect this embodiment of perfection under my hands. “I’ve never needed anyone in my life, Allie. But I need you.”

  She eventually blinks. “But I need more of you, Micah; this can’t work if you don’t give me more.”

  I hear the waver in her voice, the uncertainty of her words, and step forward, closing my body against hers. “Tell me what you need from me and I’ll give it to you.”

  She pauses, looking past all my defenses. Then, “I want you to be there in the morning.”

  “Then I will be.” I stroke her cheeks with my thumbs, controlling the adrenaline pulsating through my veins, spiking my heart rate. “And if I can’t be, you’ll know it beforehand.”

  Her eyes widen in surprise, telling me that she knows changing anything about myself is something I would never do, not for anyone. “Really? Just like that, you’ll do this for me?”

  “I can’t allow you to run from me again.” Whatever she asked of me now, I’d likely give her. “If this keeps you from running, then yes, I can do it for you.” I drag a thumb across her bottom lip, watching my skin slide against hers before looking into her eyes again. “I need you in my life, Allie, and I can no longer pretend that I don’t.”

  I’m lost staring at her, touching her, relishing in the silence of my mind. My chest no longer constricts and my muscles loosen. It makes all the reasons I shouldn’t be with her leave my mind for this moment. They won’t vanish. I will deal with them, including Darius. But right now I’m not thinking about what could break us apart, I’m only thinking about her.

  I lower my head to hers. “Now kiss me,” I demand.

  And she does. Deeply.

  Allie

  Micah’s cellphone ringing breaks a kiss like no other. This kiss we shared matters. It means something. It’s an apology, and it’s his way of accepting my
forgiveness. I hear his harsh curse before my eyes open, and I’m staring into his gorgeous smoky grays, just below his black baseball cap. A certain peace washes over me, stealing away the tension I hadn’t known had been there.

  I feel better when I’m with you and unwound when I’m not, he had said.

  I guess I feel like that, too.

  His strong body is still so close to me, that warm and woodsy scent spiraling around me, and as I gaze upon this passionate and intense man, seeing the possessive way he’s watching me, I know three things for sure: I don’t regret letting Micah into my condo, allowing him to explain, or letting him kiss me. Because Micah didn’t feed me bullshit; I saw this in the way he tensed up when he told me how he feels. The slight clench of his jaw when he admitted he would give me anything to ensure that I didn’t push him away.

  I’m shivering with the heat I feel coming off him, as he drags his thumb across my damp mouth. I see how much he wants me. I want him, too. But the better part of my judgment reminds me to remain careful with him. He can hurt me. We need to take this slow.

  A blast of cold air washes over me as he steps back and frowns, reaching into his pocket. He looks at the screen before glancing at me. “I’m sorry. I need to take this.” Eyes on me, he places his phone to his ear. “Holt.” A pause. “Yes.” Another pause and then a sigh. “Go on.”

  I mirror his frustrated sigh when he moves into my kitchen, talking business.

  All the same, I realize the break is necessary, and with the distance, I begin to think again. I don’t have everything figured out when it comes to Micah. My heart doesn’t feel entirely safe with him, but it wants to.

  Again, baby steps, I remind myself.

  I watch him as he’s staring out my kitchen window. He appears so strong standing there, looking out into the city he conquered, but I see now that his shields are an illusion. I know that because of when he said, Please. Stop. He couldn’t hide his wounds then and they are raw, bleeding still. Micah’s an enigma and one with a dark past. And whatever it involves, I think together we can try to heal his demons. I’m not going into this relationship blind, but I’m not going into it closed off either.

  A loud beep snaps me to consciousness, and I still see him standing by the window. I hurry into my office, grab my cellphone off the desk, seeing an email from Holt. Reminded of Liv’s email earlier, I set to printing off the details about Kevin’s house before returning to the living room.

  Micah is leaning against my kitchen island, eyes on me when I enter the room. I smile at how he’s watching my every move. God, it’s incredible to be the focus of his intensity. My knees loosen, feeling a little weak before I drop down onto my oversized beige chair in the corner of my living room and drape both legs over the side. I begin reading the document and memorize every single detail that I’ll need to tell the Lowes tomorrow.

  When I reach all of the recent upgrades, a note is thrust in front of me.

  Take off your pants.

  I jerk my head up and mouth, “What?” to Micah.

  He winks, pointing to the note as his reply.

  He’s serious. That I don’t doubt.

  A mix of butterflies and heat clench my stomach. Something foreign inside tells me to do this. Maybe it’s the devilish curve of his mouth, the commanding way he’s watching me, or the smolder in his eyes, but I’m removing my pants and panties without even thinking about it.

  I toss both aside, when Micah says into the phone, “We have room at Holt to move in that direction?” He grabs one ankle, placing it high on the armrest, then grabs the other and positions it on the other armrest. My face flushes hot as I’m spread wide while he adds, “Does the space need any upgrades?”

  I’m shaking at the way he’s looking between my thighs. Hungry. Urgent. Masculine satisfaction. I like the way he wants me. I love the way he needs me. I swallow deeply as he steps closer to the chair, leaning against the armrest. My heart is beating in my chest and I can hear it pound in my ears when he inserts two fingers into his mouth, soaking them with saliva before he adds, “That should work out fine.”

  I stifle a moan, holding my breath, when he drags his index finger over my slick heat. His grin widens as he runs his finger down my soaked folds. He knows, and I know, that the second he handed me the note I became wet for him. I exhale deeply when his finger enters me. And I can’t fight the moan when a second finger joins the first, moving slowly in and out, dragging sensations out of me. His eyes dance when he begins shifting his fingers faster now, and I don’t know how he makes this feel so good. It’s intense and incredible, somehow building more and more as the seconds pass.

  “How about the sign I requested?”

  His voice is steady, but I can’t think. I slap a hand over my mouth, a loud moan threatening to escape, as he is moving his fingers even faster now. Heaviness fills deep inside me, loosening my muscles and then tightening them a second later. He begins thrusting his fingers now, harder and harder, up and down. I reach for his wrist with both hands as the sounds coming from my body are loud enough I fear the person on the phone might hear. His eyes snap to mine and narrow.

  With one of his hands, he takes my two from his wrist and moves them onto my stomach, pinning them down firmly, silently telling me to stay put. Then his fingers return, thrusting inside me, moving in and out, until my jaw goes slack and a soft moan breathes from my mouth.

  “Good.” He increases the speed and roughness of his fingers now. I’m clenching my hands into fists and lifting my bottom off the chair, when he calmly adds, “Go ahead with that plan.”

  My eyes are watering and I can barely see Micah standing there holding his phone. Nor can I hear a word he’s saying. All I can do is melt for him. My orgasm is rolling over me, again and again, and I lose myself entirely, until I hear, “Yes, I’m here.”

  When I become more aware, Micah’s smiling, a big wide grin at me. “I must have lost a connection,” he says into the phone, and I can only assume he put the call on hold, muting my noises over the last few seconds. He winks at me before he adds, “What did I miss?”

  While he listens to whomever it is speaking, he lifts his fingers to his mouth—the fingers that had rendered me boneless—and his eyes shut when he drags them against his tongue. I’m still quivering, but now I think I’m shaking because of this. It’s like giving me pleasure gets him off. The way he touches me is so unselfish, so powerful. It’s everything I didn’t know I wanted in a lover. And now I fully believe that Micah has forever ruined me for any other man.

  No one can possibly compare.

  With the same hand that he used to make me feel so good, he takes my chin in his grip, squeezes the flesh, and my lungs expand with deep, satisfied breaths. I love how he makes me feel like I’m being seen when he looks at me. It makes me feel important, sexy…he makes me feel special.

  It does strange things to my belly and to my heart.

  But it’s a statement, too. Because now I know this is his compromise, and that’s what he’s showing me. Business might happen and interrupt special moments between us, but I’ll never be forgotten and I’ll always come first.

  Somehow that’s enough for me.

  Chapter 12

  Micah

  Many hours later, I settle in beside the all-glass shower, wearing only my black workout pants, and lean against the vanity mirror above the sink. Staring at the closed bathroom door, I can’t put off the inevitable any longer. In order for me to forge ahead with Allie, I need to settle something first.

  I reach for my phone inside my pants pocket and quickly scan my contacts, then I press Call.

  The phone rings twice before I hear “Darius” through the speaker.

  “It’s Micah,” I tell him, turning around to the mirror behind me, seeing the beads of sweat glistening on my torso, and feeling the dampness from Allie’s orgasm still on my sac. “Could we meet up tomorrow? I have something to discuss with you.”

  A pause. Then, “Has something come u
p with Richardson?”

  I thrust my hand through my damp hair, pushing the strands off my forehead. “It’s not about business and shouldn’t be discussed on the phone.” No, this needs to be discussed face-to-face.

  “When and where?” Darius asks, voice full with wonder, which no doubt stems from my unexpected phone call.

  “My house at noon.”

  “See you then.”

  I wait for Darius to hang up first and then turn off my phone for the rest of the night, giving Allie my time. I leave the bathroom and move into the bedroom, placing my cell on the nightstand table. Then, returning to Allie in the kitchen, I follow the light spilling into the hallway.

  I find her sitting cross-legged in front of the refrigerator, a thin sheet around her torso hiding her skin from me. Obviously sensing me, she glances up; her cheeks are still flushed, her lips a little swollen from my kisses. “Is everything okay?” she asks.

  I’m not sure what she sees on my face, but her ability to see through me is what makes her so special. “It will be,” I reply, dropping down next to her on the cool ceramic floor.

  Soft blues music is coming from the iPod player in the living room, the only light is from the open refrigerator, and my focus is on this intriguing woman who makes me want to do strange things. “Is this a usual habit for you?” I ask her.

  “Well, no.” Her long dark hair trails over her bare shoulders when she grabs a piece of cold broccoli from the take-out container of cashew chicken. “This isn’t a usual habit for me. I typically would warm up our food.” She takes a small bite and then smiles. “But you’re to blame. Four orgasms have left me hungry and this is what you get.”

  I chuckle and reach for a carrot.

  She beats me to it, feeding me. “No complaining.”

  “Oh, I’m not, believe me,” I reply, chewing the carrot.

  She reaches for another and feeds me again. “Besides, don’t you ever do anything random like this?”