Mothers Who Can't Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters

by Forward, Susan

  “You could say, ‘Mom, I’m very grateful for what you’ve done for us, but this arrangement just isn’t working out. It’s very destructive to my marriage. In Brent’s words, he didn’t expect to be married to two people—you and me. I didn’t expect to see us living as the Three Musketeers, either. So I’ve been giving this a lot of thought, and I’m going to give you some ideas of what is acceptable and what is no longer acceptable.

  “ ‘I know this is going to hurt you, but I’m caught in the middle, and it’s not a very happy place for me to be. I care about you, but we’ve got to disentangle our lives. We’re too fused, and it’s not healthy for any of us.

  “ ‘I haven’t wanted to bring this up because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings, but now I have this situation where Brent says he’s ready to leave if things don’t change. I can see how much harm it’s done to us for me to hide how unhappy I’ve been with this arrangement. We need to be able to have a life of our own that’s separate from you. You’ve never accepted the fact that I’m not in this world to keep you company. And in many ways it will be better for you when you do. You’re a bright, professional woman, and all you’re doing is being a babysitter.’ ”

  I paused to point out to Stacy that she could be kind and respectful without getting into apologies and defenses. This early part of the negotiation was to state the facts without accusations. The next step would be to lay out her position statements, which would consist of: “I’m willing to do this … I’m not willing to do this … I’d like you to do this.”

  I told her that those position statements might sound like this: “We’ll be happy to have you over for dinner when it’s convenient for us, which may mean once a week, or every other week. But not every night, Mom. Brent and I have had precious little time alone since we were married. That has to change.

  “It’s no longer acceptable for you to criticize my husband and come over whenever you want and stay as long as you want. If there’s a special program on TV that we all want to watch together, fine, but after it’s over, you need to leave. We are not the Three Musketeers.

  “I really appreciate all you’ve done to take care of the kids. But they’re both in school longer now, and I’ll either cut my hours at Brent’s company so I can be here when the kids get home or I’ll find someone to watch them. I’m also going to need to get the house key back from you. I’ve been too dependent on you, and you’ve been too dependent on me. I’m a healthy adult woman with a family of my own, and I don’t need you to hover over me anymore. You need to have activities and friends of your own.”

  Stacy gave herself a deadline of having the talk with her mother before her next appointment with me, and she told me about her negotiation when we met the next week.

  STACY: “Mom was really indignant at first. She said something like, ‘I can’t believe you’re doing this. What’s happened to you? After all I’ve done for you and all we’ve been through, I can’t believe that husband of yours is forcing you to do this.’ My heart was pounding, but I kept taking deep breaths and I said, ‘It’s not acceptable that you talk to me that way, Mom. I’m an adult, and this is coming from me, not from Brent. This is what I want.’

  “She just looked at me. All the color left her face, and she looked so pained and deflated, as if I’d punched her in the stomach. Then she said, ‘What have I done? All I’ve ever tried to do is help.’ That was so hard. I just repeated, ‘This is what I want, Mom. Things have to change.’ Finally, she said, ‘I can’t bear the thought of not having you in my life.’ I said, ‘That’s not what we’re talking about, Mom. We’re talking about a mature adult relationship between an adult daughter and an adult mother. I have a partner now. I know you wanted to have me as a partner all your life, but it’s not going to happen anymore.’

  “She looked really surprised. Then she said, ‘Does this mean you don’t want me to see the kids?’ I said, ‘Of course not.’ It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I said, ‘Mom, I think it would be best if you gave me back the house key now.’ And both of us were crying as she pulled it off her key chain and handed it to me. She just said, ‘I should go now.’ It was awful. I have never felt guiltier in my life… . But something funny happened. I knew I had to tell Brent right away, and called him. He said, ‘Honey, I love you so much. I’m so proud of you. I knew you could do this.’ He sounded so relieved. And for the first time, I felt like we’d be okay on our own, as our own family. I know Mom is upset. But I feel strong enough now to handle it. After all, I’m married to Brent, not to her. And this could be just the push she needs to start making a life for herself that’s less focused on us.”

  Now Stacy is putting into practice behavior that is bound to strengthen her, and her marriage.

  Remember that it’s not possible to negotiate at all with a person who becomes enraged, irrational, verbally abusive, or aggressively critical. If your mother has responded combatively to the work you’ve done so far, she has closed off the negotiation option. If she is able to listen to you, but you’re worried about being able to deliver your message calmly and clearly, you can also send her a letter that follows the format I gave Stacy, first presenting the facts without accusation or apology and then listing your position statements. When in doubt, seek out the support of a therapist who can help you.

  Kathy: “You need to acknowledge your role in my abuse.”

  Kathy had reached the stage of her therapy when we were looking toward winding up. She had worked hard and done all her assignments and exercises. Her motivation to get better, and to heal the depression that was the legacy of her sexual abuse as a child, had paid off. She was quite different from the withdrawn, worried woman I first saw, and both her husband and children benefited from the changes in her.

  KATHY: “There’s one thing I still need to do. I’ve stayed in touch with my mother by mail and an occasional phone call, but we never deal with the elephant in the living room. Now that I’m so much stronger I’d like to test the water and try one last time to see if we can salvage something out of the debris. I know she’s hurting, too, and has for years. We’ve never talked about the role she played in letting my father abuse me. Can I ask her to come here? Would you see us together?”

  I told Kathy I thought it was a great idea, but I cautioned her to keep her expectations low. Her mother might refuse to come in—in which case she would be giving Kathy all the information she needed about whether a closer relationship was possible. Or she might come in and be very defensive and closed. Kathy said she felt able to handle those possibilities and wanted to go ahead.

  She decided she would write to her mother, who lived in the Midwest, and before she mailed her letter, she made a copy for me. Here is an excerpt:

  Dear Mom—

  I’m almost ready to finish up therapy, and I’m at a point now where you could help me a great deal. I need you to come in for at least one session so we can see if we can salvage some of the good stuff that’s between us and get rid of a lot of the disturbing stuff so we can make our relationship better. I love you, Mom. I want us both to be well. Please come to California and we’ll have a “come to Jesus” meeting with my therapist. She’ll help us get back on track so we can both stop being victims. I need you to do that. And you need it more than you know. It’ll give you a chance to do something positive for me. I’ll be waiting to hear from you.

  With hope,

  Kathy

  Kathy’s mother, Andrea, e-mailed her daughter and said she would come the following week, and when she arrived, Kathy drove her from the airport to my office.

  Andrea was a well-groomed, nice-looking woman in her sixties, with a heavy air of sadness about her. She told me she was extremely anxious about what was going to happen, but she would do anything to help her daughter. I assured her this was not going to be a “Let’s beat up on Andrea” session, and I thanked her for coming in. Kathy and I had spent a session going over what she wanted to say until she felt prepared, and I asked her to
start.

  She talked openly about the sexual abuse and how angry she’d been for years at being unprotected, and she told her mother how much she needed her to acknowledge what had happened. She was brave, forthright, and clear in her expression of what she wanted and needed from her mother. This is part of what she said:

  KATHY: “In a couple of unmailed letters I wrote in therapy, I expressed more anger at you for my grotesque childhood than I’ve ever expressed before. When you are abused continuously, you get very angry. Because there’s nothing to justify being emotionally or physically cruel to an innocent child. Just because I haven’t really expressed this anger toward you doesn’t mean it still isn’t there.

  “The truth is that during and after all the horrible things my father did to me, you protected him. That makes you his accomplice. Somehow, I feel that you’ve always known that and felt guilty for it. I would feel guilty, too, if I were you. He’s the criminal, but he never paid for his crimes because you covered up and lied and stuck your head in the sand to protect him. And to protect yourself, too. Because if the situation were never confronted, you wouldn’t have to go through the embarrassment, as you put it, of answering for him.

  “You were more concerned about being embarrassed than about protecting me. You never got to know me as a normal little girl. You didn’t make it possible for me to be one. You missed out on a lot, Mom, all because fear took up so much of your life. And I missed out on a normal childhood altogether.

  “I want you to take responsibility for that, Mom. I have nothing but contempt for my father, but I think if you can take responsibility for your part, then you and I can go on from here. Because despite everything, I still love you, Mom. I want us both to get well.”

  Andrea listened quietly, head down, and hands clutched in her lap. I told her I knew how hard this was for her and asked her what she wanted to say to her daughter.

  ANDREA: “No matter what I say it will be inadequate after all the harm that has been done to you. At the time I thought I was protecting you as best I knew how, but I was so full of fear, and the disbelief that he could really be doing what he was doing, the uncertainty. I didn’t know what I should do. So I didn’t do anything. I … let him hurt you. The years came and went… . I never did claim to be a strong person… .

  “I realize to my own disgust how I could be so easily manipulated. I guess my thinking was that it was so horrible and no one should know—how everyone would laugh… . But all I did was harm you. I can’t forgive myself for that. I’m so sorry, honey. I don’t have words for how sorry I am. Maybe I’m not making much sense… . I love you, Kathy. It’s a mother’s duty to protect her child, and I was so lacking. Nothing that happened to you was your fault. Please believe me when I say that. I don’t know if you can forgive me, honey. Letting him hurt you is the worst thing I’ve ever done, and I live with the guilt every day. It has left me with very little self-worth and very low self-respect. I’m so sorry… .”

  By this time both Kathy and Andrea were crying, and I had teared up as well. Andrea had come through for her daughter at last by not simply saying “I was a bad mother” but by being specific about what she’d done, and taking responsibility for it. It was important for her, and especially for her daughter, that she reassured Kathy that she wasn’t responsible for the abuse she’d experienced. Andrea’s willingness to say those words helped to further free Kathy from lifelong doubts, and diminished the guilt she’d been carrying so long. Now it would be possible for the two of them to establish a relationship based on honesty. And they’d have to take it one small step at a time.

  Over the years, I’ve often been surprised by which mothers come through for their daughters in sessions like Kathy’s. Sometimes it’s the mothers you’d least expect even to show up because they’ve been so consumed with guilt about their actions and so unwilling to go into that dark place to tell the truth. You won’t know until you ask.

  If you were physically or sexually abused and want to see if a relationship with your mother is possible, it’s essential to do it with the help of a therapist. Your mother, like Kathy’s, has to take responsibility for what she did, and she has to get some therapy or go into therapy with you for a few sessions.

  I want you to know that you can absolutely overcome the dark legacy of sexual abuse. I’ve helped literally hundreds of women (and men) with that trauma. With good, active therapy and compassionate support, it’s possible for you, too, no matter what your mother does. You may wind up with a closer relationship with her, and you very well may not. What’s important is that you will have done everything you can to have a compassionate, loving relationship with yourself.

  Option 3: The Tea Party Relationship

  If your mother has been resisting the way you’ve changed, or demonstrated that she’s not interested in meeting you even partway, one way to maintain contact without damaging your well-being is with what I call a tea party relationship. It’s entirely superficial. You don’t bring up anything that can give your mother an opportunity to hurt or criticize you, and you never make yourself vulnerable.

  This is an option many daughters choose because it allows them to protect themselves while maintaining some kind of contact, and to orchestrate their interactions with their mothers with much less anguish than in the past. Sometimes, they decide, a safe, artificial relationship is better than no relationship at all.

  Jan, whose mother alternately supported her blossoming acting career and chipped away at her confidence by criticizing, competing with her, and negatively comparing her with other women, had worked hard to connect with the “good mother” who sometimes appeared. (Our earlier sessions are in the narcissist chapter.) But no amount of boundary-setting could keep the inevitable criticism and comparisons away.

  JAN: Things have gotten a little better, but Mom will always be Mom, I guess. She’s always got that verbal knife ready, and I never know when she’s going to stick it in me. When I tell her I’m no longer willing to accept her criticism, she looks at me, nods her head, says, ‘I understand’—and then she goes right back and does it again. I show her a great photo shoot from our set and all she can say is, ‘That’s nice, dear. And by the way, your hair would photograph so much better if it were a few shades lighter.’ Honestly, her mouth should be registered as a lethal weapon. But that’s just the way she is, and I don’t think she’s ever going to change.

  “I know you’re going to say I have to stay away from her, but I’m just not ready to cut her out of my life altogether. She’s my mother. And I still have so many good memories of her. She can be pretty nice when she decides to be.”

  I told Jan I understood her desire to stay in contact with her mother. But I strongly suggested that she pull back and limit how much she involved her in her life. “Don’t talk about parts you’re up for, or your hopes and dreams,” I told her. “Don’t invite her to anything professional that you’re doing—because you know how much she’ll compete for attention. Have a chatty, surface relationship where you talk about movies and books and the weather, and don’t open yourself up to the kind of clobbering you know you’re going to get if she needs to make herself better by one-upping you. You’re in a field that’s very tough on self-esteem, and the last thing you need is your mother making you feel insecure on top of that.”

  You don’t need a therapist to help you navigate a “tea party relationship,” but you do need to keep your guard up and be fast on your feet. You’ll have to actively change the subject when it gets too close to sensitive territory—the topics you care most about, and the truths of your life that you know she’ll reflexively criticize rather than support. A relationship like this is a lot like fencing. She thrusts, you deflect, and you do a kind of choreographed dance designed to keep her at a safe distance.

  If Jan’s mother called to say, “How are you? Are you working? Had any auditions?” it would be Jan’s job to change the subject by saying, “I’m fine, Mom. Did you see that great movie on HBO last ni
ght?” Because Jan’s mother was so narcissistic and competitive, it would be easy to get her to talk about herself.

  If you choose this option, expect to be bombarded by “Why?” questions as you close off large swaths of your life from her:

  • Why are you acting this way?

  • Why can’t we talk anymore?

  • Why won’t you share your life with me?

  • Why are you so closed?

  You can say:

  • I’m just working through some things on my own right now. Mom, what have you been up to?

  • I’m not ready to talk about that right now. Maybe later.

  • I’m great, Mom. I want to hear about you.

  To avoid your mother’s probes and deprive her of targets, you’ll need to weave and dodge and creatively bring up new topics, even when you’re feeling annoyed or off balance.

  JAN: “I can see how tricky this can be. I thought talking about a movie I saw would be safe and neutral, but as soon as I brought it up, Mom said, ‘You should’ve been in that one. How come your lousy agent didn’t have you up for the part of the daughter?’ It brought me up short for a minute, but I regrouped and said, ‘By the way, I just read a book I think you’d like.’ I have to be on my toes all the time.”

  This isn’t how most of us would prefer to behave with someone who’s supposed to love us, and it may seem very phony to you. But if you are either not ready or not willing to cut the emotional umbilical cord with an actively unloving mother who is not combative or overtly abusive, this is certainly an option. Because you’re being actively self-protective, it empowers you, and that changes the status quo. Don’t think that you are copping out if this option feels best to you. Many women are not willing to take the step of detaching from actively unloving mothers, and they’re relieved to find a middle ground that keeps their integrity intact. Sometimes, that can be your healthiest choice.