Switching Lanes

by Porter, Renea

  He looks straight ahead and takes a deep breath. “I know she did.”

  The rest of the ride home is quiet as we reflect on the past year. We’ve been through a lot for such a young age. No one should experience watching their twenty year old best friend die. I think it almost killed Layne seeing her like that, and as her best friend, I couldn’t imagine life without her. But here we are holding on to hope that maybe with time it will get easier. Only time will tell.

  Layne pulls into the driveway and we quietly head inside.

  “Do you mind if I take a shower before bed?” I ask him.

  “No, go ahead.”

  I grab my bag and walk into the stark white and black bathroom and let the steamy hot shower wash away the sweat from dancing tonight. Today has been one of the best days that I ever had in a long time. Once I’m done, I step out and put on a pair of shorts and a tank to sleep in. When I walk in the room Layne is already passed out in bed. I quietly slip in bed so I don’t disturb him; I turn out the light on my side and slide underneath the cool sheets.

  Sometime during the night I’m awaken when Layne gets out of bed. My eyes adjust to the darkness and I can see his shadowy figure. I hear him whimpering and in one swoop he angrily clears everything off his dresser, sending everything crashing down on the carpet.

  “Layne?” I call out.

  He falls to the ground and cries. I throw the sheets off and I get to him in a flash. I wrap my arms around his body as best I can. He has himself curled into a ball, crying.

  “Shh,” I try to console him, but tears well up in my own eyes. It’s hard seeing him like this. It kills me.

  “I miss her so much, my chest hurts. How can she leave me like this?” I don’t answer him. I try to stop my own tears from falling, so I swallow a hard lump that’s formed in my throat. I continue to wrap my arms around him.

  “She didn’t want to leave you. Trust me; we talked about it. She held on until she knew you would be okay. You are going to be okay, Layne. We both will be; it will just take time.”

  His cries are worse now than they were a minute ago. And I have never seen him like this.

  “This is not how it was supposed to be,” he says through his tears.

  “I know,” is all I can offer him while my heart breaks into a million pieces. I wrap my arm around him. He cries into my neck while he wraps his arms around me. “Let’s get you back to bed.”

  I try to get him to stand with me, but he outweighs me by so much. Finally, he manages to stand and weakly gets back into bed. I slide in next to him and I hold him close to me. I want him to know I’m here for him, no matter what. Though, perhaps it’s for my own selfish reasons. Even if nothing came of us, and the friendship we share would never waiver. He wraps his legs with mine and it’s not sexual, it’s just wanting to be close to someone and to feel that closeness sometimes is more important.

  He falls asleep fast and I don’t move a muscle as we are wrapped in each other. Tonight was his breaking point and I’m glad I was here to at least alleviate some of the pain, hopefully. At least he has someone who can relate to the pain he is going through.

  One day the darkness will lift and the sun will shine.

  LAYNE

  It’s early morning and I feel like I was hit by a Mack truck. I squint my eyes open and find myself entangled with Renee’s body. Rubbing my eyes open, I carefully untangle myself from her and make my way to the bathroom. Looking into the mirror, I see blood shot red eyes and I remember waking up late last night having a melt down over losing my angel. I throw on a pair of my sweats and a tee shirt. My chest tightens and I feel the need to get out of here. The walls are closing in on me so I grab my car keys and head outside to my car. In the car rearview mirror, I see Renee standing in the doorway watching me pull out of the driveway. I can’t possibly face her right now; she was never supposed to see me like that. And the fact was that, that wasn’t the first time that has happened.

  I gave my heart to someone and now I have to get used to being on my own, after a year of being completely engrossed with Amber. How do I get back to that place? These random girls and one night stands are getting old, and it only makes me forget for a short time, then I’m back to remembering her in the morning.

  The car takes me straight to the garage. I park my car off to the side and walk over to lift the garage door. No one else is around and all I want to do is take my drag car out for a spin. Probably not the best idea, but I need to be in control of something and driving this beast will free me for a bit. I roll the car out of the garage and start it up. I listen to it roar and purr at the same time. Being behind the wheel of such a powerful car is the most thrilling feeling. I take it on a small stretch of road near the garage; it’s about a quarter mile in length. I strap myself in and rev the engine and the car roars. I slam my foot on the gas petal and the car is down the stretch in about nine seconds. Just as I turn the car around, I see the flashing red and blue lights heading my way. It’s quite clear I can’t escape this and I knew better than to take the car out without a lookout. I pull on the side of the road and wait for the officer to come up to the car.

  “License and registration please,” the officer says as I roll my window down. I flip the glove box open and had him both. “Do you know how fast you were going?”

  “Yes, I do.” I guess I figured being honest might put me in the officer’s good graces.

  “Step outside the car. Sit on the curb while I check your license.”

  I do as I’m told, while I internally curse myself for my stupidity.

  The officer comes back. “So I see you’ve already been warned before so you are coming downtown with us. Hands behind your back please.” He places my hands in handcuffs and sets me in the back of the car.

  This must be a cop with a stick up his ass. I do as he instructs. If I’m going to be arrested it might as well be for something I’m passionate about. “Just be thankful I’m not impounding your car, because I could,” he continues.

  I just nod, not saying a word because I know my mouth could get me in much more trouble. The handcuffs are uncomfortable and tight. The ride to the station is daunting and I just want to get this over with. Finally, we arrive at the station and the place is small. I get processed and thrown into a holding cell until morning when the Judge can see me.

  I have the cell to myself, so I make myself comfortable on the cot along the wall. How could I be so careless and stupid? Renee will probably go out of her mind not being able to reach me. I should have just faced her after she woke and told her sorry for my outburst last night. She would have said it was okay and we would go right back to being friends. But my stupidity will probably cost me a fortune. All I had to do was say that I was sorry.

  Chapter Eight

  RENEE

  Layne left in such a rush this morning, I have no idea where he is or what he’s doing. I tried his cell numerous times with no answer. I mean he doesn’t have to answer to me, but damn it if I’m not worried sick. This is not like him to be so distant and leaving the way he did. I know he saw me in his mirror when he pulled out of the driveway.

  Figuring he will come around eventually, I grab my stuff and pack it in my bag and get into my car and head to the dorm. It’s late in the day so I stop and grab some fast food on the way. Once at the dorm, I settle on my bed with my food and my books. How pathetic can I be? I took advantage of the situation last night and I was more than willing to comfort Layne. If I know Layne, he is probably feeling tormented by it all. I try to push the thoughts aside while I study for an upcoming test. After an hour or so, I shove my books in my bag and slide underneath the sheets and check my phone before I fall asleep. Still no messages from Layne.

  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

  My phone rings just as I’m about to wake up. My first class doesn’t start until this afternoon. “Hello?” I say groggily into the phone.

  “This is a collect call from Layne Michaels. Would you accept the charges?” The operator asks.
/>
  My heart drops. “Yes,” I say in a rushed tone.

  “Hey, it’s me….”

  “Layne, where the hell have you been?” I ask before he gets a word in.

  “Renee, I’m in jail.” I straighten up and fling off my bed sheets, throwing clothes on in a rush. “Can you come bail me out?”

  “For Christ sake, what did you do?” I ask harshly.

  “I took the car out without a lookout. I don’t have much time. Can you come get me?”

  “I’ll be right there.” I don’t even bother saying bye; I just hang the phone up and grab my purse, since I managed to get dressed while talking to him. “I’m going to ring his damn neck.”

  I get in my ‘new to me’ car, and the sucker is bad ass. Well, I feel bad ass driving it anyway. Twenty minutes later, I arrive at the station and speak to the person at the front desk. Once all the logistics are worked out Layne meets me in the lobby.

  I shake my head at him. “What the hell were you thinking?”

  He smoothly pulls me into him, wrapping his arm around my shoulders.

  “I appreciate you coming to get me. I’ll pay you back.” He shows off his dimples.

  “Don’t think your southern charm is gonna work out for you this time,” I say with a smile. “Where to?” I ask once we get into my car.

  “Home, so I can shower this stench off of me,” he says.

  “You know, I should just slap you upside your head. When will you ever learn?” I say.

  “Look, about the other night…”

  I cut him off before he says it. “Don’t worry about it. You know if you need me anytime day or night I’m there,” I say, turning my head toward him.

  “I know. I appreciate it.”

  I give him a nod and the rest of the ride home is quiet. I pull up to his house and he gets out and then comes over to the driver’s side. “Are you coming in?”

  “No; I already took my stuff to the dorm, and I have class in thirty minutes.”

  “Oh, okay. I’m gonna take a shower and relax in my own bed. I’ll text you later,” he says, sounding a little disappointed.

  I give him a smile. “Try to stay out of trouble, okay? I don’t have any more bail money to bail your ass out.” I laugh and pull out of the driveway. I had back to campus. Life is never boring when you have Layne in your life. I shake my head at him being arrested and let a laugh escape my throat. I pull into campus and park my car close to my dorm and grab my books as I walk to my class.

  I slide into class right on time. In the seat next to mine is Cole, and he smiles at me. “Hey,” I say, pulling my books out of my bag.

  “You were cutting it close there, weren’t ya?” he says, his voice smooth.

  “Yeah; well, that’s what happens when you bail someone out of jail,” I tell him.

  “Boyfriend?”

  “No, just a friend.” I smile and turn my attention to the professor.

  After class, I head to the support group for eating disorders. I can’t believe how well I am managing to get better. I know, a lot of people don’t manage this well and it’s hard to let go of your insecurities and be vulnerable, but the benefits far outweigh the negative stuff. It helps to stay busy, though. I just try not to think about it. I sit next to Alexis like I have done since I’ve been coming here. “Hey girl, how’s it going?” I turn to ask her.

  “Good. How about yourself?” she asks. She looks happier compared to the last time I saw her.

  “I’m well. Hey, do you want to grab a coffee or something after? We could study if you want.” I ask as Leah comes in.

  She smiles. “Sure, that would be great.”

  “You look great.”

  She smiles bashfully. Leah greets the group and asks if anyone has anything to share that’s been going on. No one says anything.

  “Alexis, why don’t you let us know how you are doing since we last spoke?”

  “Um, I’ve been doing well since our last session. I put all your advice and tools to use, and I already feel better than I have in a long time,” Alexis says.

  After our meeting is over, I wait for Alexis outside the class as she talks to Leah about making anymore improvements or tweaks to her diet. My phone buzzes in my pocket. I pull it out and it’s a text from Layne.

  Hope you’re having a good day. And I’m glad you didn’t hit me upside the head, even though I deserved it.

  I reply. Yeah, you are very lucky those dimples worked in your favor. I smile at my own comment and then I put it back in my pocket just as Alexis meets me in the hallway.

  “Ready to go?” she asks, adjusting her bag over her shoulder.

  “Yeah. How have things been going?” I ask as we walk to the coffee shop on campus.

  “A lot better. Leah gave me some great tools to get myself under control. I’m already feeling better and it’s only been a week. What about you? You’ve been through a lot since I met you.”

  “A lot has happened, and beyond my control. So I took back control of my eating habits and have made it my mission to get better. It’s hard to explain,” I tell her. I’ve loved lost, and everything in between this last year. How do you put that into words so someone understands? Once inside the coffee shop, we find the line is long. I think the whole campus is here.

  “Hey, I appreciate you asking me to go for coffee. I’ve been feeling isolated lately, and it’s hard making friends when you have an eating disorder to keep hidden,” she says as we move up in the line.

  “I know exactly how you feel. You know my friend I told the group about that died? She somehow knew about my eating disorder. I don’t know how, but she did. She made me promise her I’d get help for it. How could I say no, and how could I not keep that promise now? So here I am.”

  We move up farther in line, and I can finally order a Latte with lots of foam. Alexis follows suit and orders the same.

  “I can see where you are coming from now. I didn’t know the reason behind you getting better. I wondered why it was coming so easily for you while I was struggling to get by.”

  “Now you know,” I say, lifting the cup to my lips. “What’s your story? You only gave us bits and pieces in the group,” I ask.

  She sighs heavily and takes a sip of her latte before saying anything. She glances out the window. “See that couple there?”

  “Yes, what about them?” I ask.

  “See his arm around her? I can’t do that. I don’t like to be touched;, it freaks me out. When I was in sixth grade, a neighbor raped me and he would do it repeatedly and threaten my family if I told. I didn’t say anything until he finally moved on to another girl. I live with that guilt every day. If only I had said something sooner, maybe he wouldn’t have had the chance to do that to someone else.”

  Her voice cracks and I’m stunned by her words. “You can’t possibly blame yourself for that. Some people are just sick. I’m sorry that happened to you. At least you have a support group that you can count on and I’m always available if you need to talk.” I try not to show pity, because that might set her off.

  “I want more than anything to feel that.” She points to the couple she pointed to earlier. “I would give anything to get past the hurt I’ve been feeling. Someone to love me and not require anything in return except my love. It probably sounds pathetic.” She looks down in her cup.

  “No, no at all. It sounds like a goal you could work toward. Trust me; you will come out of this on the other side. I promise,” I try to console her.

  “Well back to my story. I started throwing up afterward. Every time he would do it, I would make myself throw up. Then it became an even bigger thing, when I would do it after I’d eat. No one knew. My parents weren’t paying attention, when I would wear baggy clothes to hide my thin body. Finally, I left the first chance I got. And here I am.” She plants a weak smile across her face.

  “You’ll get through this. Getting and accepting the help is the first step. You’ve already made serious progress. It can only get better
from here,” I tell her. “And you heard my story in group the other week. We aren’t that different. The best we do is try to move forward and learn to be happy for ourselves. I was in a dark place after my best friend died. I’m just now getting caught up on what I missed, since I took the first six weeks of school off. I couldn’t deal with it at first, and I didn’t know how. But I’m managing little by little every day. And watching my friend Layne go through the loss breaks my hearts, especially when I can’t do anything about it.”

  “Layne, huh? He has a reputation around campus.”

  “That he does, but we’ve been friends since we were little. Amber was the one girl he broke down for, and loved her. Now I don’t know if he will ever be able to do it again.”

  “It takes time, like you said,” Alexis says.

  The café door dings and grabs my attention. I see Cole walking in with another guy, laughing. He is really sexy with his chocolate colored hair and matching eyes. He has on a dark tan leather jacket and black pants that fit in all the right spot. Alexis moves her eyes toward where mine are looking. “He is cute.” She smirks.

  Just as she says that, Cole sees me and comes over to us. “Renee, I didn’t expect to see you here. Who’s your friend?” He points to Alexis.

  “Cole, this is my friend Alexis. Alexis, this is Cole.” I panic, hoping he doesn’t hold his hand out to shake hers, because she doesn’t like to be touched.

  He nods. “Nice to meet you. Maybe I’ll see you around.” He turns to walk back to his friend.

  Alexis’s mouth drops. “Oh my god, Renee. He looks like a rock god from heaven.”

  “See, change is good.” I laugh.

  “Change is definitely good,” she responds, and we giggle.

  “Well, I think we have had enough fun for the day. What do you say we do this again? Maybe after our weekly meeting,” I ask her.

  “Sure, I appreciate you listening to me babble on,” she says, as we stand to leave.

  “Same here. I hope I didn’t bore you to death.”