by Anne Key
Brad rolled his bike closer.
“Seriously, Erik. He’s not worth it.”
“You don’t think so?” Brad turned on him.
Eli’s heart jumped into his throat. This was bad for a whole bunch of reasons.
“Wait a minute.”
And there was the first reason. Brad was about to out him. Fuck. He was suddenly a newbie freshman all over again. Eli took a step backward but ran into one of Brad’s asshole buddies.
“Well, well. Look who it is. I heard you’d moved far, far away, Elizabeth. But here you are, still in my fucking backyard. Can’t get rid of you.”
“Look, Brad. I’m not looking for trouble, okay? We’ll just go.”
Erik hefted his board, the move a little threatening, just enough to sort of say, “I’m not helpless, and I will knock you off that bike.”
Brad glanced at Erik, but he didn’t look intimidated by Erik at all. “Are you a freak, like little Lizzie here too? Or do you actually have balls?”
This was not happening. Not now, not again. He’d left this fucker behind at his old school. “Come on, Erik.” They just needed to go. Now.
“That’s right, Elizabeth. Let the real men handle this. You run on home and cry like the little girl you are.”
Erik’s eyes slitted, then he grabbed Eli’s arm, braced himself, and kicked, hard. Brad’s bike went down with this great clatter, Brad bouncing off the pavement. “Okay. Let’s go. See you, real man.”
Eli couldn’t breathe. He just turned and got out of there, quickly putting as much distance between him and Brad as he could. Hopefully, Erik would just follow. Neither of them wanted to be there when Brad got back on his feet.
“I hate it when guys are dicks, man. Truly.” Erik sounded so… normal.
Eli forced himself to slow down. “Yeah. Well, that one’s a meaner dick than most. Sorry.” He sighed. “I just….” Eli let the thought trail off. What was he going to say?
“You want to go grab a burger, man? We can talk or whatever.”
Eli glanced over at Erik. He didn’t know the guy that well yet, so the offer to talk was surprising. And cool. And Erik had shut Brad down pretty neatly, after all. He just stepped right up there. “I could eat.”
“Cool.” Erik rocked this. They started moving down the sidewalk, and Eli had to work to keep up.
“So… how did you know he wasn’t going to get up and come after you?” Eli stuck his board on the sidewalk and rode alongside Erik. It was less work than walking to keep up with Erik’s long legs.
“Guys like him are all talk. And I have my board. I can hit someone pretty hard with it, if I have to, I guess.”
Eli knew Brad was more than all talk. Brad had shoved him, tripped him, and landed Eli on his ass so many times last year he’d lost count. But then, Eli wasn’t Erik. He wasn’t tall, he wasn’t confident, and he wasn’t cisgender.
“Sorry I wimped out. We have history, and I just didn’t want to haul it all out again.”
“I hear you. Shit happens.”
“Yeah. I guess.” Shit happens. Was it really that easy to let stuff like this just roll off your back? He pushed along next to Erik for another couple of minutes, the wheels of his board making a rhythmic clacking sound as they ran over the seams in the sidewalk. He kicked his board up into his hands as they got close to the local burger place. “No… issues? We’re cool, then?”
“We’re cool. You have something you need to tell me, you can.”
That was a good question. Did he have something he needed to tell Erik? Brad had outed him already, and after that, there was really just a bunch of explaining, and Erik didn’t seem like he needed that. In fact, Erik seriously didn’t seem to give a shit, which was maybe the most awesome thing ever. “I kinda feel like Brad just told you everything you need to know, man.” He pulled open the door to the restaurant and put a foot against it, holding it for Erik to go in first.
Had he just found his first real guy friend? As in, a friend who knew, but just saw him as another guy? Most guys Eli knew didn’t bother with a lot of talk unless they were pissed off. “I’m totally open to questions, but otherwise if you’re cool, I’m cool.”
“I’m cool, dude. I love the bacon cheeseburgers here.”
Right on. He’d never just been shrugged at before. He didn’t know people even did that. Cool. Eli smiled and just let the whole subject go. His stomach growled as he breathed in the scent of greasy burgers on the grill. “Me too. I usually get pepper jack. Have you tried the sweet potato fries?”
Chapter 10
BY THE time Sammy managed to bike to the coffee shop Monday afternoon, she thought she was going to die.
“Can we stop for a mocha, Eli? I’m needing a pick-me-up.” She hadn’t slept all Saturday night, and then she hadn’t left her room once Sunday. She’d left the house to jog way before her daddy had gotten up, and then she grabbed a shower and met Eli without seeing Daddy at all.
“Sure. You’re not grounded from coffee?” Eli slipped neatly off his skateboard and popped it up into his hands.
“He’s at work. He won’t know.” She thought he hated her now, maybe. She didn’t know. See, Momma? This is all your fault. You lied to me my whole life about him. “Your day go okay?”
“Oh, sure. Got detention, again. Otherwise good.”
“Yeah? Who did you piss off?” She waved to the barista. Maybe she should get a nose ring. Mari would tell her where. “You want a mocha?”
“Yes, please.” Eli waved off the whole detention thing. “I just cut gym again. Coach Noll. But it’s not a big deal.”
“I’ve got all my PE credits, thank God. I think if I had to play another game of kickball I’d lose it.”
Eli shrugged. “This happened at my old school too. Only they were jerks about it. This place is cooler. Are you sure it’s your turn for coffee?”
“No, but I’m not keeping score.” Eli and Mari and Lace were the reasons she was still sane.
“How long are you grounded for? When do you get texting back?”
“I don’t know. He didn’t take my phone. Mostly, I’m just in my room. He’s pretty pissed.”
“What the heck did you even do?”
“Will you think I’m crazy if I tell you I don’t really know?”
“Pfft. No. Parents are weird. Whoop! Coffee’s ready.” Eli grabbed both cups and handed one to Sammy.
“Oh. I might live.” She drank deep, the sweet, rich coffee splashing in her belly. That’s what she needed.
“I’m telling you, best mochas anywhere. Well, anywhere I’ve been, which is nowhere, but still.” Eli snorted.
“I’m inclined to believe you. You have a lot of homework?” She didn’t. She was pretty caught up.
Eli rolled his eyes. “Not a lot, but I have an essay test in English on Wednesday, so I should probably look at that at some point. I hope you don’t; you look like you need some sleep.”
“I’m going to go home and go right to bed.” Maybe she’d not even check in on Lacey.
“I’ll walk you home. Are you feeling okay? The flu is going around. It sucks.”
“I’m just…. You know, I didn’t sleep good. I’m betting I’ll be better tomorrow.” The sugar and the caffeine were doing her a world of good as it was.
“I hope so. Come on. I’ll walk your bike for you.” Eli led her out onto the sidewalk and waited for her to open the lock.
“You’re a good guy, Eli. Really.” She wanted to just hug him, but they weren’t there yet.
“I’m working on it.” Eli tucked his skateboard into the cargo rack on her bike and then took hold of the handlebars with the hand that wasn’t holding his coffee.
She walked beside him, her brain full of white noise. She knew she ought to make conversation, but she had nothing. What was she going to say? Hey, Eli, I have this terrible secret that I can’t tell anyone? That would go over like a lead balloon.
“Hey, Sammy,” Eli said slowly, like he was thinkin
g hard. “Can I ask you a kind of personal question?”
“Sure. We’re friends, aren’t we?” Good friends.
“How come you didn’t tell me your dad was gay?”
“I didn’t know.” Oh God. People could tell? “How did you? Know, I mean.”
Eli shrugged. “They were bickering like my parents do? Plus, I mean, Jian is pretty… out there. Kinda hard not to know he’s gay.”
“Oh. I guess. Daddy’s real mad at me about it, I think. I told him he could do whatever he wanted to, but… maybe I’m just cramping his style.” She intended to spend the rest of her time in Daddy’s house in her room, stay out of the way.
“I don’t get it. What’s he mad about? I mean, Jian invited me to stay for dinner and everything. Didn’t seem like they didn’t want you around.”
“He just said my momma would be ashamed of me. I told him to do whatever he wanted. I would never tell on him.” She shrugged, because she didn’t think she’d ever forgive him for saying that. How did he know what her momma would think? She’d spent her whole life with Momma, every day, and Momma had been proud of her, dammit, had helped her with cheer and student council, had wanted her.
Her eyes got all hot, and she pressed her lips together. No crying. You’re tired. Upstairs. Lock the door. Sleep.
“Tell on him? Ohhhh. He’s not out? Oh, I’m sorry. Well, I won’t say anything. Promise.”
“Thank you.” Of course, he wasn’t out. He’d been her daddy forever, and he hadn’t wanted her to know, and she was his kid. If it hadn’t been a secret, he wouldn’t have hidden it. Duh.
“Are you… mad at him? For being gay?”
“Nope. I’m mad at him for not telling me and then getting pissed at me when I didn’t know what to do. I tried to be cool about it, but seriously? Couldn’t he tell me before he brought his guy over? It was supposed to be our evening, you know? Me and him. I could have just gone to Mari’s. I don’t know. I’m tired of all the damn drama. I just want a little normal.”
“Normal.” Eli nodded, studying his coffee. He cleared his throat. “Right. Sure. I, uh… I totally hear you.”
She glanced over at him, and she knew she’d screwed up again, even if she didn’t know how. Life had been easier back home, hadn’t it? She didn’t remember always being wrong. “I know, I’m a whiny little bitch. Mostly, I’m tired, and I swear I’ll get over myself. I just feel like I’ve been lied to, like up ’til now, when he didn’t have a choice anymore, I wasn’t worth trusting.”
And that was a big part of it, wasn’t it? Was she so silly, so sparkly that she wasn’t worth telling important things to? She wasn’t stupid, and just because she liked to dance and tumble and wear pretty clothes didn’t mean she was an airhead, did it?
“You know, Sammy.” Eli stopped walking at the corner but didn’t cross over to her house right away. He looked at her, his eyes squinty. “Do you think maybe… I mean, is it possible that your dad, you know, maybe didn’t tell you sooner because he was worried? About how you’d react? Like, maybe he didn’t want to risk it because he was afraid you wouldn’t like him anymore, or want to hang out with him or whatever if you knew he was gay? I mean, not everyone is cool with it. A lot of people aren’t, and not everyone gets it, or whatever. Maybe he was scared to risk it.”
Eli took a deep breath and just kept talking. “I’m sure he trusts you; I just think it’s hard, and maybe he didn’t really mean to lie to you exactly, like he didn’t think about it that way. He just didn’t know what to say. Or if he should say anything. Maybe?”
“I’m not someone he just met, Eli. He’s known me since I was born. I don’t give a rat’s ass if he’s gay. I think my best friend in Texas is probably going to decide to be with a woman someday, once she’s decided she won’t go to hell for it. I just want….” My momma back. That was what she wanted. Right now. Her chest hurt for a second, and she couldn’t hardly breathe, the entire world swimming in front of her eyes so bad that she thought about just sitting down on the curb. How classy would that be? “Thanks for everything, Eli, but I need to get to bed before you think I’m a bigger psycho than you do already.” She leaned over, kissed his cheek, and took her bike. “You’re a sweetheart. For reals.”
Eli’s cheeks turned a crazy bright red. “You’re amazing, Sammy.” He swallowed hard. “That is… I… I hope you feel better soon.”
“Me too. This sucks, and I want to hang out and have fun.” Maybe they could go to the football game or something. She didn’t think they had skateboard games. Skateboard games. Was that like reindeer games? Don’t start laughing. Don’t. He’ll think you’re laughing at him.
“Yeah. Soon.” Eli pulled his skateboard off the back of the bike and crossed the street with her. “Get some rest.” He kind of hung around on the sidewalk as she headed inside and gave her a shy wave. “Bye.”
The house was quiet when she went inside. Daddy wasn’t home yet. Perfect. She grabbed herself the last of the Dr Peppers he’d bought her out of the fridge, snagged an apple from the counter, and dragged her school bag upstairs.
She didn’t even bother to do anything more than plug in her phone, put on a pair of soft pants, and crawl into bed. She cried for about ten minutes until she fell asleep, dreaming about her momma, about sitting together and watching Teen Wolf and Grimm, laughing their asses off at the funny parts and crying together at the sad bits.
It was full-on dark when she woke to a soft knock at her door.
“Sammy, sweetheart? Do you have time to talk? Listen, I owe you an apology for what I said the other night about your momma. Are you awake?” Daddy didn’t try the door, didn’t barge in, he just kept talking. “Sammy, I had no right to say anything like what I said. I was upset, and I was thinking more about myself, I guess.” It went quiet for a bit before he added, “Well, okay then, sweetheart, that’s all I wanted to say. I hope you sleep well.”
She started to cry again—partially because her head hurt, partially because it had just been a dream, and partially because Daddy wanted her to just magically be okay. It wasn’t Momma that was disappointed in her, it was him.
Sobs rocked her, and she thought maybe this was it—this was the time she started crying and just cried until her heart stopped.
“Sammy? Can I please come in?”
She didn’t hear the door open and she didn’t feel her daddy climb onto the bed with her. She was just suddenly all wrapped up in his arms.
“I’m here, sweetheart. Whatever it is, I’m just here.”
She thought she wouldn’t stop, but she did. She leaned into Daddy’s chest, and slowly the storm eased, leaving her hiccupping and sore.
Daddy reached over and pulled the box of tissues off her nightstand and set it on her lap. He rubbed her back, and she could feel him breathing deeply, his chest rising and falling under her cheek. “I love you, Samantha. Things are hard right now for you, between us, I know. But I’m here, and I do love you.”
“Love you,” she sniffed. “My head hurts.”
“Let me see if I have some ibuprofen.” He shifted off the bed and left the room, then returned with a big white bottle. He opened it and sat down again, handing the bottle to her.
“You know, there’s nobody anywhere who could hold it together through all of this. You’re a smart girl, you’re a strong girl, but nobody expects you to just swallow this and move on. And I know I’m a complete disaster at parenting, seriously.” She could hear a hint of a smile in his voice. “I’m not helping, I know.”
“I wasn’t mean. I was trying to be nice. You didn’t have to lie to me.”
Daddy sighed, nodding. “I get that it feels like a lie to you. Maybe it was a lie.” He shrugged. “But I saw you so little and you never seemed interested in whether I was dating—which is totally fine by the way and I don’t know why you would be—I’m just saying that it didn’t feel like it mattered. It was like, you were three, and then you were eight, and then somehow you were suddenly in high school and�
� it all just moved superfast. There’s a lot about me we’ve never discussed, just like I’m sure there’s a lot about you I don’t know.” He put his arm around Sammy’s shoulders again. “But I didn’t tell you the truth, that’s true. You’re right about that. And I’m sorry.”
“Did Momma know? Is that why y’all broke up?”
“Oh. Um. Your momma definitely knew, sweetheart. She and I met in college. We were always just friends. We were never actually a couple, like a romantic thing, at all.”
“You know, you shouldn’t sleep with someone if you don’t want to, right?” She tried teasing, just to see how that worked with him. “Do I have to have the ‘no bad touches’ discussion and the condom talk with you?”
Daddy laughed softly. “Oh, we knew just what we were doing, Sammy. Your mom wanted you so badly. We went to a doctor, and he… took care of it.”
“Really? Like for reals?” Okay, that was weird. “So, you didn’t even have to be my daddy if you didn’t want to?”
“For… reals. And yeah, I guess I didn’t have to be involved. I mean, your mom wasn’t asking for a second parent. She wanted to make all the decisions about your life on her own. I asked her about sending money and helping out, but she turned me down. She really wanted to do it all herself. But I couldn’t just walk away, either, and she understood that. I mean, you’re mine.”
“Oh.” That was pretty cool, she thought. That was even something to be happy about. “I’m glad you did. Want to be my daddy, I mean. I would have missed you.”
“I did.” He nodded. “I do. And I guess, you know, there’s a lot I could look back on and wish I’d done differently; see you more, maybe visit more or have you up here? I don’t know. I didn’t want to step on your mom’s toes. She was doing so great with you.”
“Thank you.” She sighed. “I can’t believe that she’s really gone, you know? I keep dreaming she’s back.”
“Yeah. That happened after my mom died. I used to wake up sure I’d just been talking to her. So weird.”
“It totally is.” And hearing that felt so good, because she was tired of worrying she was losing her marbles.