Seeing Shadows

by S. H. Kolee

  I silently watched the houses we passed, in awe of their size and grandeur. These weren't merely houses. They were estates. The mansions were on huge pieces of land, with perfectly manicured lawns that I could only imagine would be verdant and lush come spring.

  "Holy crap," Sarah intoned, expressing my thoughts. "I think I've died and gone to Tara."

  "I told you Simon was loaded," Grant said. "Now that helicopter idea doesn't sound so crazy, huh."

  Simon just shook his head at Grant's comment and then looked over at me, gauging my reaction. I wasn't sure what he was looking for. I kept my face impassive, trying to mask my growing nervousness. Wealth had always made me uncomfortable. This was what my father had been striving for, was still striving for. And my lack of motivation for wanting to gain this type of wealth had been his biggest disappointment in me.

  Although we never had money like Simon's family, we had lived a very comfortable life when I was younger. Back then, my father had a ruthlessness that unnerved me. He insisted on having a full time housekeeper, driver, gardener and all sorts of other hired help. Not so much because we needed them but because they were status symbols of his wealth. I had watched him treat them with contempt and disdain, regarding them as less worthwhile because they had to serve others for a living. When they all had to be dismissed because of my father's crumbling business, it seemed he resented them even more. As if it were somehow their fault that he could no longer afford them. It burned him to no end that these people he considered subservient knew that he had failed.

  Wealth seemed to give too much power and control to people. And for someone like me, who was always struggling to keep control of my life, that seemed dangerous.

  "What are you thinking?" Simon asked, shifting his eyes back to the road.

  "That these houses are beautiful," I replied simply. Wouldn't most girls be ecstatic to know that the guy that was interested in them was loaded? To me, it seemed like another barrier, another complication. I knew a part of it came from an inferiority complex due to how my father had treated those without money, even if he was now one of them. He treated me like he used to treat his servants.

  Simon said nothing else as he turned into a road lined with overhanging trees. It was a beautiful lane and I imagined it would be gorgeous in the autumn with the changing leaves. We then pulled into a circular driveway in front of a massive house that made the ones we had passed earlier seem provincial.

  I let out a breath I didn't realize I had been holding. "Wow, nice house."

  That was laughable in its understatement. The house looked like what I imagined an English country estate would look like in the romance novels I used to devour in high school. There were dozens of lights in front of the house illuminating it so that it almost seemed like daylight. The front lawn was impeccably manicured even in the winter with ornamental bushes that seemed too intricate to be naturally occurring. The house itself was made out of light brown brick with wrought iron details and majestic sweeps of arched entryways. I half expected a sword brandishing Duke to storm out of the front doors.

  "I wonder if your parents will adopt me," Sarah joked as we got out of the car.

  Simon rolled his shoulders, looking a little uncomfortable. "The house is a little showy. And it's way too big for the number of people who actually live in it. I think my mom always dreamed of living in a house like this growing up, and my dad humored her." Simon looked at me, his eyes studying me. He seemed to sense my discomfort. "At heart, my mom is a southerner who grew up eating grits and cracklins."

  I smiled, not wanting him to think I was uncomfortable. I told myself I was just meeting regular people who just happened to live in a mansion. Simon's reassurances helped me feel less nervous. "It's a beautiful house. And if you can afford it - why not? I'm sure we're going to have a great weekend."

  Simon grinned, relaxing now that I seemed more at ease. He seemed so attuned to my feelings, and the fact that he always seemed to try and make me feel comfortable was appreciated.

  The front door opened and an older woman with grey hair sleeked back into a bun and an easy smile stepped out. I would have guessed it was Simon's mother except she was wearing a simple black dress that looked like a uniform.

  "Simon!" she exclaimed, walking towards us quickly. "It's so good to see you!" She embraced Simon and he leaned down, hugging her back.

  "Hey Maxine. Figures you'd be waiting up."

  Maxine grinned, the smile crinkling the wrinkles around her eyes. "Your mom is waiting for you too. She was so excited to see you she couldn't go to sleep. You know it's been three months since you've visited."

  Maxine turned her warm brown eyes in my direction and her smile grew wider. "You must be Caitlin!"

  "Uh, yes," I said, taken aback that she knew who I was. I assumed Maxine was the housekeeper and I wondered if one of her household duties was to know the name of every guest. I held out my hand, not knowing the proper way to greet her. "Nice to meet you."

  "I'm a hugger," Maxine said by way of explanation as she grabbed me in a firm embrace. I tentatively patted her shoulder, not wanting to be rude but feeling uncomfortable. I was only used to a select few touching me, and having a stranger envelop me in a hug left me a bit discombobulated.

  Simon laughed, probably at my befuddled expression. "You're going to scare her, Maxine."

  "Nonsense," Maxine huffed after she had released me. "I could tell she was a hugger right away. She just doesn't know it yet." She surveyed me up and down. "You're a beautiful girl, just like Simon said. Just need to put some meat on your bones."

  I flushed at Maxine's words. Apparently Simon had been talking about me to his housekeeper. What exactly had he said? Besides that I was beautiful. I felt a warm tingle grow inside me at those words. I pushed it aside as I wondered who else he had talked to about me. And why? As much as that tingle warmed my insides, I was also unnerved by the revelation. Having people talk about me, be curious about me, made me uneasy. I had enough to hide to want to prevent anyone from wanting to know more about me.

  Simon seemed unperturbed by Maxine's revelation. Anyone else would have been embarrassed by Maxine's slip of the tongue but it didn't seem to bother Simon. Nothing seemed to embarrass Simon.

  Maxine turned her attention to Grant. "Give this old lady a hug. You're just as bad as Simon about visiting."

  Grant grinned and hugged Maxine. "Good to see you too, Maxine." He turned to Sarah and said, "Sarah, this is Maxine. She's worked for Simon's family as long as I can remember. She used to chase us out of her kitchen whenever we tried to steal cookies."

  "Nice to meet you, Sarah," Maxine said, doling out another hug. "Well, the boys brought home two pretty girls. Now that's something."

  Sarah hugged Maxine back, being a hugger herself. "Nice to meet you too, Maxine. You'll have to give us all the dirt about the trouble they used to get into when they were younger."

  Maxine waggled her eyebrows. "I have plenty of dirt on them. I know where all the bodies are buried."

  Simon laughed as he waved us toward the front door that was still open, light spilling through the doorway. "I think it's cold enough to warrant moving this reunion inside." He turned to Maxine. "Don't wake Harold. I'll put the car in the garage and bring the bags in later."

  I was wondering who Harold was but that thought was forgotten as I entered the foyer. Sarah was right. We had died and gone to Tara. The east coast Tara. The foyer itself was as big as our entire cozy apartment in Rochester and I felt dizzy as I looked up at the high ceiling that was domed with a glass skylight. The stairs were grand, wrapping around itself in a majestic spiral. They were the type of stairs that I imagined debutantes would float down as they were announced into society.

  Instead of a fresh faced debutante, there was presently a beautiful older woman walking down the stairs. She was wearing an emerald green sheath dress with black heels that were so high I would be tottering on them. But this woman walked down the stairs with practiced ease. He
r dark brown hair was pulled back in a soft chignon and a strand of pearls encircled her slim neck. I wondered what type of person dressed so formally this late at night. It had just hit midnight when we had arrived at Simon's house.

  I looked down at my jeans and blue Oscar the Grouch t-shirt, feeling grubby from the long trip. I had assumed that everyone would be asleep since we were arriving so late, and I would meet Simon's family the next morning, when I had time to make myself presentable.

  I felt extremely awkward, but the woman's blue eyes that were so much like Simon's were warm and welcoming.

  "Simon! Finally!" she exclaimed, reaching the last step. She kissed Simon on the cheek, enveloping him in a hug. "I thought you'd never get here."

  "Hi Mom." Simon returned the hug warmly and then turned to me. "Mom, this is Caitlin."

  "Caitlin! So nice to meet you!" Simon's mother held my hands and kissed both my cheeks, which I thought was very European. At least, I think it was very European. The closest I had ever gotten to Europe was being subjected to Colleen's pseudo-French accent whenever she got the urge.

  "Hello Mrs. Crewe. Nice to meet you." She was still holding my hands and I felt awkward but didn't want to seem rude by pulling away.

  "Call me Beth!" she insisted. "Mrs. Crewe makes me feel old. I feel old enough knowing that my daughter is turning sixteen tomorrow! I'm so happy you could come, Caitlin."

  I gave her a smile, trying not to look as uncomfortable as I felt. Simon's mother was warm and welcoming, but it was hard not to feel intimidated. I couldn't think of her as Beth, so I just avoided calling her anything at all. "Thank you so much for having us stay the weekend. You must already be so busy because of the party without having houseguests too."

  "Nonsense," Mrs. Crewe said, waving her hand. Her blue eyes sparkled as she winked at me conspiratorially. "It's not like I do anything for these type of things anyways. I just hire the people and they make it happen like magic. I'd feel guilty for not doing more, but unless my daughter still wants a petting zoo for her sixteenth birthday party, it's better to leave it to the professionals."

  I smiled at her confession, not knowing what to say in return. I wondered when exactly I had become a mute. Simon must have noticed my awkwardness because he slung his arm around my shoulders, guiding me next to him so I was no longer his mother's focus. "And this is Sarah, Caitlin's roommate and best friend."

  Mrs. Crewe greeted Sarah with warmth as well and then she fawned over Grant, admonishing him for not visiting often enough.

  "You must all be exhausted after the long drive. Are you hungry?" Mrs. Crewe looked at Maxine, who had been standing by the stairs. "Maxine, can we rustle up something for the kids?"

  "It's okay, Mom," Simon interjected before Maxine could reply. "We ate on the road. I think everyone just wants to go to bed. I'm going to grab our bags from the car. Can you show the girls to their rooms?"

  "Of course," Mrs. Crewe replied. "But Harold can get your bags."

  "It's okay." Simon was already walking toward the front door, Grant following him. "It's late and I don't want to wake him. It's not much anyways." Simon looked back at me before walking outside and smiled. "I'll stop by your room to drop off your suitcase and make sure you're settled in."

  I nodded, although I felt a little embarrassed for being singled out by Simon. His statement was clearly directed to me, but I wasn't the only houseguest present. I was worried that his mother would get the wrong idea, but she seemed unperturbed as she indicated we should follow her up the stairs.

  "I've put you two in rooms next to each other. This place can be a bit of a maze to navigate, so I thought it would be easier to put you close together." Mrs. Crewe climbed the stairs without a hint of breathlessness as she talked. She must be in great shape because I felt myself getting winded following her. Sarah seemed perfectly fine too. Great, I was the only one out of shape.

  "I know this place is too big for us," she continued, "And Martin, Simon's father, always says we should downsize to a smaller house. But I love this place. It's hard to think of giving it up."

  "It's a beautiful house, Beth," Sarah said, having no problem using her first name. I envied her ease with strangers. "I can see why you wouldn't want to sell it."

  Mrs. Crewe opened the door to a bedroom down the first hall we entered and ushered us in. "Sarah, this is your bedroom. I hope it's okay." She pointed to a door. "That's the bathroom and next to it is the closet. If you need anything, just buzz this intercom and someone will answer." She nodded towards the complicated device that hung on the wall next to the doorway. There was no way I would ever use that. It looked like it could launch rockets into space, and I'd probably end up setting off an alarm by accident.

  The bedroom was spacious and impeccably decorated in autumn colors. It was dominated by a king-sized bed with a plush rust colored comforter.

  "It's beautiful, thank you!" Sarah said with enthusiasm. She glanced at me, looking contemplative. "Actually, this room is huge. Maybe Caitlin and I should stay in here together. The bed's plenty big enough."

  Leave it to Sarah to note my awkwardness. I knew she was also worried about my fear of having visions while staying at Simon's house. I wanted to finger the iridium charm that hung under my shirt but resisted the urge. I knew my aunt said it would prevent my vardoger from entering me while I slept, not from having visions, but I hoped it was like a talisman, keeping everything negative away.

  Mrs. Crewe shook her head at Sarah's suggestion. "That's not necessary. I want you girls to be as comfortable as possible and Lord knows there's plenty of spare bedrooms in this house. Caitlin's room is right next door so you'll be close by."

  We left Sarah in her bedroom and Mrs. Crewe guided me to mine, which was right next to Sarah's as she had said.

  I had thought Sarah's bedroom was beautiful but the room we stepped into next was breathtaking. It was decorated in shades of blue and felt cozy even though it was as large as Sarah's. The four poster bed had a midnight blue comforter but the rest of the room was done in light blues, making it seem fresh and airy.

  "I hope it's okay," Mrs. Crewe commented. "It's pretty much the same set-up as Sarah's. The bathroom's there and the closet's right next to it."

  I wanted to ask if every bedroom had its own bathroom in this house, but instead I smiled. "It's lovely. Thank you so much. I hope we won't be too much trouble."

  "No trouble at all. I can't tell you how excited I am that Simon has brought a girl home. He's never brought anyone home for us to meet. I know you've only known each other for a few weeks, but I can tell you mean a lot to him. He's told me so much about you that I feel like I know you already." She grinned mischievously. "Don't tell my son though. I'll never hear the end of it if he knows I've been babbling."

  I looked at her nonplussed. She seemed to have the wrong idea about me and Simon, but she seemed so excited that I didn't have the heart to tell her Simon and I were just friends. And I couldn't imagine what Simon had told her. How could he tell her so much when Simon himself didn't know that much about me? Admittedly, I had shared more with him than anyone else besides Sarah. But there was still a lot I was holding back.

  "I won't," I replied, not knowing what else to say. "And I'm happy to meet you too."

  Mrs. Crewe gave me a wide smile and her blue eyes looked so clear and guileless, so much like Simon's when he was happy and carefree, that I felt a pang in my heart. I could understand how Simon could be so free and easy with his affection with a mother like this. I imagined her loving and gentle with a little boy, hugging easily and showing love unconditionally. I wondered if I would have been like that too if I had grown up with my mother, but I shut those thoughts down as soon as they started.

  Simon's mother gave me an impulsive hug and I returned it, appreciating this woman for having made Simon who he was today. I wished Simon was someone I could keep in my life, beyond just protecting him from his vardoger, but I knew a lot of my decisions depended on what I learned from my aunt
on Sunday. The thought made me melancholy.

  After Mrs. Crewe left, I aimlessly explored the room, admiring the large framed mirror across from the bed that hung over a white dresser. I opened the bathroom door and took note of the full tub and shower. Not knowing what to do next and not having my luggage to unpack, I sat on the bed and waited. I had just decided to go over to Sarah's room when I heard a knock on the door.

  "Come in."

  Simon opened the door, carrying my suitcase in one hand and a plastic storage container in the other.

  "Here you go." Simon laid the suitcase on a bench by the foot of the bed. He winked. "I'll collect my tip later."

  I laughed and pointed to the plastic container. "What's that?"

  "This," Simon announced, holding up the container, "This is Maxine's world-famous blueberry crumble bread. She always makes it for me whenever I come home because she knows I love it. I couldn't go to bed knowing that there was blueberry crumble bread waiting for me, so I figured we could share some before bed."

  "Ugh," I said, holding my stomach. "I still feel that chili dog I ate earlier. I think it's going to take a week to digest."

  Simon lifted the lid off the container and held it to his face, sniffing the bread and closing his eyes, making indecent noises at the scent. "You don't know what you're missing out on. Your life will be changed after this bread."

  I rolled my eyes, not able to contain a snort of laughter. "Fine. I guess I can't miss out on bread that makes you act so orgasmic." I immediately regretted my words, flushing at the crack I had made without thinking.

  Simon laughed at my discomfort but didn't comment on it, which I was grateful for. I had been sure he would have pounced on the opportunity to make a suggestive comment. Maybe we were making progress in the friend zone. It would make it a lot easier to stay close to Simon to protect him from his vardoger.

  Simon held the container out to me and I broke off a piece of the bread. It was basically blueberry pound cake with a thick generous crumble on top, but when I bit into it I knew Simon was right. My life would never be the same after tasting this bread. I didn't know if it was an insane amount of butter or a secret ingredient I couldn't discern, but the bread literally melted in my mouth, exploding with blueberry flavor at the same time. And then the crumble...Dear God, the crumble was amazing. I could eat bowls of just the crumble. Cinnamony and sweet, it tasted of caramelized oats and sugary goodness.