by God
24 As for the other one, whose name I refuse to even record here, I will only say how truly disappointed we were in him.
25 We liked him; we trusted him; but then he changed, and decided to leave the organization, and in a very unfortunate way.
26 The punishment that young man received for his actions was as harsh a sentence as could be handed down, yet it was still insufficient;
27 For in the end, nothing can bring back a son.
28 Usually.
CHAPTER 18
1I cherished the time I spent with Jesus during the last three years of his life.
2 I came to respect him for many things: his goodness, his discipline, his manners, and his chastity.
3 (For remember, he was still subject to all the weaknesses of the flesh; and he had numerous female admirers; and many of them were comely; and all of them were ready, willing, and able, 24/7/365.)
4 I even respected his choice of enemies, for the Pharisees were truly reprehensible people: liars and hypocrites of the highest order; the worst shondah for the goyim until Bernie Madoff;
5 Or possibly the Weinsteins.
6 But always in the back of my infinite mind I held fast to my belief that his entire mission and descent was foolish and demeaning.
7 This belief only intensified as the time of his great ordeal neared; for I am ashamed to admit that I dreaded it, not for the agony it would cause my child, but for the damage I feared such a public humiliation might have on my reputation.
8 Lo, I feared playing the aggrieved Billy Ray to Jesus’s wayward Miley.
9 Well do I recall the Last Supper; it was Passover; everyone ate a hearty seder; afterward Jesus hid the afikoman behind a broom; he told everyone to let Thaddeus find it; he did; he was so happy he hugged everyone.
10 The night was a farewell of sorts, a look back on a remarkable career; and as the wine kept flowing and the stories kept coming, it naturally devolved into a roast.
11 For two hours one apostle after another stood up and gave it to Jesus mercilessly; making sport of his water-walking, and dead-raising, and facial hair, and penchant for droning on; it was a nonstop mirthfest.
12 I remember Bartholomew remarking: “Jesus, here is a miracle thou mayest perform: shave!
13 Thy beard hair is thicker than a moneylender’s purse!”
14 They killed him; they slaughtered him; they crucified him; it was hilarious.
15 Finally Jesus rose; he was smiling, but I could see he was preoccupied.
16 He may have been thinking about the imminent nailing of his ankles and wrists to a wooden cross and subsequent prolonged death thereby; but I am speculating.
17 His first words after all this merriment were, “Ye are too kind; but seriously, gentlemen, I say unto you, that one of you shall betray me.”
18 That brought the house down, but not in a good way.
19 Everyone asked if it was him; Jesus kept silent, but he knew who it was, for the traitor had not only already received his 30 pieces of silver, but used some of it to grab the check.
20 A nice gesture, but too little, too late.
21 Then, in a moment of great solemnity, Jesus offered the first Communion.
22 He passed around the bread and said, “Take, eat; this is my body”; and then he passed around the wine and said, “Drink ye all of it; for this is my blood.”
23 “Great. A cannibal vampire,” I thought.
24 “My son is going to die a cannibal vampire.”
CHAPTER 19
1The next 24 hours would change everything; for humanity, to be sure, but more importantly for me.
2 After the meal, Jesus and the apostles walked to the Garden of Gethsemane on the Mount of Olives.
3 Now this Olive Garden had long been a popular gathering place for them, for it served a variety of Roman food in a convivial atmosphere, and at a minimum of payment; and when they were there, they felt like family.
4 But soon the Roman soldiers came to arrest him; and thou-knowest-who approached him, and kissed him;
5 Kissed him, to add insult to injury, with tongue.
6 Everyone knows what happened next: the arrest; the mortifying perp walk in front of the Temple; and the imprisonment on charges of treason against the government, charges trumped up by the Jewish high priests.
7 (For many were so falsely charged and imprisoned during the hysteria of the War on Torah.)
8 Then he was brought before Pontius Pilate; as is recorded in the Gospels, Pilate had the power to pardon one prisoner, either Jesus or Barabbas, and he decided to let the crowd choose.
9 But what is not recorded in the Gospels, is that Barabbas was in prison for being a gentleman jewel thief.
10 He stole diamonds and rubies from the very wealthy; he was dapper and suave; he bedded Judea’s most beautiful women; he was a Clooneyesque roustabout.
11 Jesus never had a chance.
12 And now his suffering began in earnest: the punching and spitting and striking and kicking; to say nothing of the mockery;
13 Mockery which, unlike the good-spirited japery of the previous night’s roast, came not from a good place.
14 For Jesus was derided, insulted, and humiliated; taunted as “King of the Jews”; even the size of his most intimate parts was ridiculed, invariably by those who themselves had something to hide.
15 But the cruelest of all the torments was the unified chanting of the Jewish throngs and the Roman soldiers: “Jeeeeee-sus! Jeeeeee-sus!”
16 Lo, it was exactly the same form of derision as that heaped by fans, almost 2,000 years later, upon slugger Darryl Strawberry;
17 And almost as vicious.
18 Every instinct in me longed to go Old Testament on all of them; my brain reeled with comforting thoughts of brimstone and boils; but I forebore.
19 Because as I watched my son suffer the abuse he had been dreaming of his whole life, I realized something:
20 Jesus was no pussy.
21 Jesus was one tough son of a bitch.
CHAPTER 20
1For my son did not complain when they sentenced him to death.
2 My son did not wince as they placed upon him the crown of thorns.
3 My son did not grimace as they scourged him with whips.
4 My son did not flinch as they placed the cross on his back.
5 No; because my son ... was a man.
6 Yea, Ruth was right; he and I were truly two very different Godheads.
7 I was a self-made Being who had risen from nothing to become Master of the Universe; to get what I wanted I smote anyone who got in the way, along with many who were merely close to the way, and untold millions who were a great deal of distance away from the way.
8 But my son was of a different breed; he sought to become Master of the Universe by returning to nothing; by being not smiter, but smitee.
9 And now, as he took his last un-scenic stroll through downtown Jerusalem; now, at last, I understood.
10 What I had once viewed as his weakness was in fact strength: his suffering was power; his humanity was divine.
11 He knew I was watching; he could have summoned me to his assistance; he could have called in the cavalry to Calvary anytime.
12 I had watched Abraham and Job suffer, and my reaction had made me wonder what was wrong with me; watching Jesus suffer I felt the same way, but for entirely different reasons.
13 For as my son staggered through the Via Dolorosa carrying the means of his own death, I smiled and thought, “That’s my boy!”
14 And when he reached Golgotha, and they held him down and bade him drink vinegar mixed with gall, I thought, “Way to take one for the team, son!”;
15 And as I watched the centurions hammering into his ankles and wrists, and my son’s face tremble in excruciating pain, I thought, “Thou art tough as nails, kid!”;
16 And as I watched them mount his cross upon the hillside I thought, “Hang in there, buddy!”
17 And as the crowd mocked and thre
w stones at his crucified body, my heart well-nigh burst with pride.
18 And as he looked up at me and with his final breath murmured, “It is finished,” I said, “Thou didst it! Thou didst it, kiddo!
19 Behold, world! Behold the Man! For my son is . . . is human!
20 Yea! My son is human, and I care not who knows it!
21 I love my dead human son!
22 I love thee, son!”
23 (For he had died and was now standing next to me.)
CHAPTER 21
1That night Jesus, H. G., and I convened in the transdimensional Godplane for the first time in 33 years.
2 We quickly attended to business, and lo, there was much of it to attend; for Jesus’s resurrection was less than 48 hours away, and we still had some kinks to work out.
3 H. G. wanted to schedule a meeting during the return where Jesus could formally instruct his Apostles to spread the gospel.
4 I proposed making that the very last item on Jesus’s return agenda, in accordance with a long-held theory of mine that motivational speeches are more impactful when they end with the speaker’s ascension to heaven.
5 All this was fine with Jesus; he insisted only that Mary Magdalene be the first one to see him risen, for he wished to provide her with at least one unforgettable romantic memory.
6 He greatly pitied her; he knew how much she loved him, but she was one of those unfortunate women for whom all the good ones proved to be either married, gay, or Jesus Christ.
7 As we talked I chattily shared with my own prodigal son my opinions and thoughts on the details of his mission: his miracles, and his anointings, and his unimaginable physical ordeal.
8 When I told him how proud I was of the way he had handled his crucifixion, he was characteristically modest.
9 “Oh, Father,” he said, “we are talking about the Roman Empire.
10 Crucifixion is probably the least painful means of death I could have suffered at its hands.
11 Verily, they have this new device, the cubinatium. It slices the body into dice-sized cubes over the course of a month, all while impaling thee through the innards with a spiked bronze javelin.
12 Now that sounds painful!”
13 We laughed until we cried.
14 All through the night we reminisced; all of us, H. G. included, for he, too, had grown in my esteem.
15 We had grown very close; the way we had bonded was uncanny, almost mystical; as if the three of us were of the same substance, merely in a different figuration; a mutually indwelling trinity existing in reciprocal immanence as per the doctrine of perichoresis;
16 It is hard to explain; the point is, we had grown very close.
17 As we floated back to see Ruth and Kathy, I pulled Jesus aside.
18 “Son,” I said, “I know thou hast at times wondered if I truly believed in thee.
19 Verily, I do. I believe in thee.
20 I believe in thee; thy Apostles believe in thee; and soon many more people will believe in thee.
21 Thou knowest, I have never told thee this, but all my existence I have struggled with wrath-management issues; yet watching thee down there hath given me a whole new outlook.
22 Thou hast inspired me to change my ways; to create a kinder, more compassionate world by following the noble precepts thou hast explicitly laid forth.
23 Yea; as soon as mankind starts following them, I will, too.
24 And one more thing: I have a surprise for thee.
25 When thou first hatched this plan to come to earth, thy goal was merely to redeem the Jews; to bring them back to the path of righteousness, that they might be spared my wrath; and this thou hast accomplished; the Jews are spared; I will not obliterate them from the world.
26 I promise not that henceforward their lives will be rainbows and honeycomb; but I will not obliterate them.
27 But watching thee work thy magic down there, I realized it would be unfair to the world to limit thy message, and goodness, and redemption, solely to the Jews.
28 They are my Chosen People; but thou deservest a Chosen People of thine own.
29 I guess what I am asking thee, son, is:
30 How does ‘Jesusism’ sound to thee?”
CHAPTER 22
1And the rest, as they say, is theology.
2 Jesus rose from the dead and made twelve public appearances; as with the miracles, we sought to strike a balance; enough to serve as verification, but not enough where one might say, “Oh great, the dead guy’s doing another show.”
3 He appeared to Mary Magdalene; he appeared to the apostles; he appeared to 500 believers at once; he even appeared to two lesser disciples on the road to Emmaus.
4 He passed the day with them unrecognized, lecturing them on the Prophets; then he revealed himself to them when they broke bread, only to disappear.
5 That was the only time I ever saw Jesus deliberately fuck with people.
6 He made sure to manifest himself to each of his longtime supporters at least once, that he might thank them for putting so much time and effort into his campaign.
7 Then he ascended to heaven, to sit, as it says, “at the right hand of God”; this is true; Jesus does sit at my right hand; as it happens I am a lefty, but it is still the seat of honor.
8 And today, 2,000 years, 500,000 martyrs, 824,000 cathedrals and 723 billion mortal sins later, Christianity—for H. G. did not like “Jesusism”; he felt the three esses would antagonize lispers—is the most successful religion of all time.
9 It hath over two billion adherents: more than Judaism, Sikhism, Jainism, Choctaw mythology, Siberian shamanism, and anthroposophy combined.
10 Jesus continues dying for humanity’s sins every single day, and I have never heard him complain; not a single time.
11 The most I’ve ever heard him admit is that there are some people for whom it is a pleasure to die on the cross, and others for whom it feels like more work.
12 As for the two of us, we have had our squabbles over the centuries, as any father and son will;
13 Yet such disagreements inevitably end in a reconciliatory “come to Jesus” moment.
14 Our relationship these days is of a far different character than it once was.
15 A few days ago he and I were in my office discussing a finer theological point; the nature of which hath no bearing on thee, unless thou art an unbaptized baby.
16 He argued one way; I the other; he gave the Look; I conceded.
17 This took place a dozen times, in full view of Gabriel; and when the meeting was over Gabriel chuckled to himself; and though I had it within me to know why, I asked him, to save time.
18 “Heavenly Father,” he said, “there was a time when thou doubtedst thy son would ever amount to anything outside the world; believing him soft, and weak, and unable to impose his will.
19 Yet to see thy dealings with him now, it seems to me that this is the opposite of the truth; for I would describe thee, my LORD, as nothing short of Jesus-whipped.”
20 I, too, chuckled; for Gabriel was right.
21 The Romans may have whipped Jesus, but in the end it was they, and I, and all of western civilization, who ended up
22 Jesus-whipped.
FILLEMIN
(“Godlibs”)
CHAPTER 1
1Ask Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, and now me: the creation of a Gospel is a grueling task.
2 To paraphrase Thomas Edison, scripture is 1 percent divine inspiration, 99 percent divine perspiration.
3 But some of thee may doubt this; some of my more skeptical readers may think writing a holy book is easy, that any old hack can crank out a Testament, or whip up a Koran during an all-nighter;
4 That all it requireth is a few crazy stories, a reverent tone, and a bunch of old-timey pronouns and verb endings.
5 Prepare to eat thy words, any old hack(s).
6 On the next pages are printed a few passages and excerpts from Scripture, with certain key words and phrases omitted, for thee t
o complete in accordance with the instructions written underneath the line.
7 (I call them “Godlibs”; I thought of that myself; but a Google search revealeth over 5,000 matching results.