by God
16 But my favorite non-me-based religion, by far, is Scientology.
17 L. Ron Hubbard, I salute thee; for I have read Dianetics; I have visited thy Celebrity Center (I deemed myself A-list enough); I spent $250,000 of my hard-created cash to take thy courses; I have attained level OT VIII; I even spent a relaxing week aboard thy cruise ship Freewinds, during which I visited thy secret underground headquarters beneath the Marianas Trench;
18 And at no point in any of these experiences did I detect a single particle of anything that could be considered substance.
19 Thus, Ron, thou art the only being other than me to create an entire universe out of absolutely nothing.
CHAPTER 4
1I am left with one last faith: none.
2 My publisher says he expects many of those reading these words right now to fall into the atheist/agnostic/ nonbeliever category.
3 This pleases him, for he saith it is the third-largest sector of today’s bookbuying market; right after dummies and idiots.
4 I trust he knows his business, but I find it strange so many would purchase a book by a writer they do not believe in.
5 (Of course, I well know an author credit is by no means proof that the person so designated is the actual author, or even is.
6 Look at James Patterson; he sold 14 million books last year, most of which were written by monkeys and typewriters locked in a room;
7 And not even the proverbial thousand monkeys on a thousand typewriters working 24 hours a day, but a mere three monkeys sharing two typewriters and working nine-to-five five days a week.)
8 When I think of atheism, I think of the many memorable and dumb quotations it has produced.
9 The most notorious, of course, is Nietzsche’s “God is dead”; which long ago inspired the classic comeback, “God is dead.—Nietzsche. Nietzsche is dead.—God.”
10 Lo; if ever something was mirthful because it was true, it’s that.
11 There is also Voltaire’s quote: “If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.”
12 That is an elegant turn of phrase that breaks down upon reflection; for if I did not exist, neither would the tools needed to invent me; and more importantly neither would the patent office, meaning the inventor would lose a lot of royalties.
13 Voltaire’s line prompted this quip of Bertrand Russell’s: “There’s a Bible on the shelf there. But I keep it next to Voltaire—poison and antidote.”
14 Verily, Bert? Then here is my comeback: “The Bible is poison.—Russell. Russell is poison.—God!”
15 Hmmm; that works better with Nietzsche.
16 Edmond de Goncourt: “If there is a God, atheism must seem to him as less of an insult than religion.”
17 Not really, no.
18 Frank Lloyd Wright: “I believe in God, only I spell it Nature.”
19 No, Frank; it’s spelled G-o-d; n-a-t-u-r-e is a different word entirely.
20 Ernest Hemingway: “All thinking men are atheists.”
21 Lo, Ernie; and all thinking gods prefer F. Scott Fitzgerald!
22 A. A. Milne: “The Old Testament is responsible for more atheism, agnosticism, disbelief—call it what you will—than any book ever written; it has emptied more churches than all the counterattractions of cinema, motor bicycle and golf course.”
23 Nice one, A. A.! Who wrote that for thee, Tigger or Pooh?!?
24[Recovering from convulsive laughter.]
25 Yea, some of the things said by nonbelievers are not to be believed.
26 For propaganda purposes I am sure they would like to see me—or rather “me,” in quotes, since I am merely a figment of my own imagination— continue my long litany of malapropisms advocating their godlessness;
27 But I shall refrain.
28 Atheists: ye may not believe in me; but I wholeheartedly believe in you.
29 So go ahead; continue not giving me the benefit of the lack of doubt.
30 But start thinking about what thou mightest say on the infinitesimally off-chance thou one day findest thyself standing before me.
31 Yea; start thinking about it now; for if it ever does happen, I can promise thee this: it will be a short meeting.
FALLOPIANS
(“On Abortion”)
CHAPTER 1
1I will keep this brief.
2 One day I called my editor, excited.
3 “Art thou sitting down?” I asked.
4 “Yeah, Goddy baby, what is it?” she said.
5 “Sarah, thou and I... are going to have a section about abortion!”
6[Silence.]
7 “Didst thou hear what I said?” I asked. “We . . . are going to have ... a section on abortion!
8 Canst thou believe it? A definitive statement of my true feelings about abortion that we can share with the world!”
9[Silence.]
10 “Art thou there?”
11 “Yes . . . are you sure?”
12 “Yea.”
13 “How do you know?”
14 “Verily, a God just knoweth.”
15[More silence.]
16 “I thought thou wouldst be excited.”
17 “God . . . we talked about this. I told you very clearly, I am not ready to deal with the consequences of publishing a section on abortion.
18 At least not for a few years.”
19 “But thou also saidst that if having such a section would make me happy, thou wouldst welcome it with open arms.
20 Besides, didst thou not tell me thou desired a little controversy?”
21 “A little controversy, yes!
22 Werewolves, for example.
23 I could deal with a section talking about werewolves.
24 It would be cute to have one of those.
25 But this is a whole different ballgame, God. Having an abortion section would change everything we’ve been planning for the future; everything we’ve been working to achieve.
26 The marketing, the target audience, the security detail... everything.”
27 “There, there, we can make it work, Sarah; thou art being hysterical.”
28 “No— thou art the—damn, I hate when you make me talk like that! You are the one being naïve, God.”
29 “Then I am sorry thou feelest that way. But the decision is made. This chapter has already been conceived. We are having this section.”
30 “Oh, are we? Well, what about me, God? Does the editor get a say in all this? Or was I just here to donate my grammar?”
31 “And what about the section, Sarah? Does the section get a say in all this?
32 I can already feel it stirring inside me, Sarah. I already feel it kicking around inside me, and . . . and . . . and I think I already love this section on abortion!”
33 “Would you at least come with me to talk to the publisher?”
34 “No! I care not what the publisher says! What an author does with his book is nobody’s business but the author’s!
35Keep your filthy pen off my chapter!”
CHAPTER 2
1A month went by, and as the abortion section continued to quicken in me, its reality—and my love for it—grew more palpable with each passing week.
2 Then, during what I had been told was a “routine check-in” with Sarah, the publisher, and the entire sales team, I was forcibl
1,400 YEARS OF SANCTITUDE
CHAPTER 1
1I will now address an often-overlooked stage of my career: the last 1,400 years.
2 It was an eventful time.
3 I will begin with the Middle Ages, which I recall as a very pleasant period. The Dark Ages, especially; delightful.
4 I remember them as thou mayest remember that childhood summer at Grandma’s rustic lake house, when the days blended languorously into each other, and thou basked in the love of those who worshipped thee, and derived endless amusement from watching the tiny creepy-crawly creatures flailing beneath thy feet;
5 Perhaps now and again amusing thyself by incinerating one w
ith a magnifying glass, but for the most part content to observe.
6 Yea, one can nitpick about the medieval era’s poverty, squalor, disease, intellectual torpor, and cultural stagnation; but to me these are mere quibbles.
7 From where I sat it was the grandest period of human history; particularly in Europe, where no one complained, people expected little from life, and everybody— everybody—had religion.
8 And the architecture! The great cathedrals of the Middle Ages still rank in my mind as among thy greatest cultural achievements; structures worthy of me and my sons.
9 Sometimes when I’m inside one, I can almost feel my presence.
10 Above all do I love stained glass; for it is impossible to create a work in that medium that doth not appear awe-inspiring.
11 It can turn a circle into a halo, a bird into an angel, and a face into a god; and I have no doubt that if an artist were to render the interior of a T.J. Maxx in stained glass, and place it high in a sunlit nave, it would to an onlooker below appear like nothing less than the halls of heaven, overflowing with a bounteous cornucopia of merchandise, offered at prices blurring the distinction between earthly and divine.
12 As for those who cavil that the Middle Ages were a time of horrific religious strife, I would point out that they have that in common with both the Early Ages that preceded it, and the Late Ages still to come.
13 (And wait till thou seest the Last Ages!)
14 Besides, for pure spiritual entertainment, nothing compared to the Crusades.
15 For a God like me, watching Christians and Muslims slaughter each other for over two centuries was a profoundly rewarding experience.
16 Yea, there is nothing more gratifying than watching tens of thousands of people express their undying love for thee by running through tens of thousands of other people who possess equally undying love for thee with a pike.
17 (Especially knowing that in the end, the theological problems of two great faiths amounteth not to a hill of beans in thy crazy world.)
18 And there were so many Crusades! Verily, so many even I found it hard to keep tally.
19 There were at least nine; in some of them the Christians emerged victorious, and in others the Muslims;
20 And there was also that one Children’s Crusade; I suppose no one won that one, although the traders who sold all those innocents into slavery made out fairly well; for back then a good child slave was worth his weight in cloves.
21 But as with sporting contests, at no point in any of these Crusades did I ever actively intervene on behalf of either side; or even cheer for one.
22 For that would be like asking Archie Manning whether he roots for Peyton to defeat Eli when they play each other, or for Eli to defeat Peyton.
23 Is not the only right answer for a loving father, “Can they not both be defeated?”
CHAPTER 2
1I also fondly remember the Middle Ages as a time when monarchy was the only conceivable form of earthly government.
2 Rome had fallen, and with it any idea of a legislature; and Europe became little more than a collection of warring monarchic microstates.
3 There were many of these; at one point there were over 87,000 of them, some with only two inhabitants; but even in these, one person was king, the other food-taster.
4 I am a great proponent of kingdoms; there is something about the idea of hordes of people bowing in servility to a single throne that appealeth to me.
5 (Jesus disagrees with me on this; he favors a more communal governance based on sharing resources, and caring for the sick, and faith, and hope, and some other third abstract noun I never let him get around to telling me.
6 For whenever he begins to spout his utopian vision, I angrily cut him off: “That’s socialism!”
7 And he saith, “No, Father. It is not socialism.”
8 And then he afflicts me with more of his worldview, and I interrupt again: “Yea, socialism! Thou art a socialist!”
9 And he saith, “Father, that is but a bogey-word used to demonize others.”
10 And I say, “Thou art demonized?!? Out! Flee my son, evil socialist demon!”
11 And he saith, “Father, I am Jesus Christ. Dost thou really think me possessed?”
12 And I say, “Truly, no; for a socialist demon would not possess thee; he would share thee with all his lazy demon friends on welfare.
13 Verily, Jesus, thy traitorous words almost make me question the authenticity of the strange circumstances surrounding thy birth.
14 Keep this up, and I will demand thou furnishest me a copy of thy long-form birth certificate.”
15 Cue the Look.)
16 All manner of dualistic hierarchies flourished during the Middle Ages: king-subject; pope-church; priest-flock; lord-serf; happiness-misery.
17 But the maintenance of these hierarchies would have been impossible were it not for the fact that this was also an era when literacy knew its place: as the exclusive property of religious fanatics.
18 For the medieval monks saw books as treasured commodities; regarded reading as a kind of sacrament; and labored so hard on their writing that they created ornate illuminated manuscripts that to this day remain unsurpassed in glittering illegibility.
19 True, Islam was simultaneously suffering through its Golden Age, marked by a flourishing culture and great advances in arts and sciences; but I was patient.
20 I knew deep inside its urbane exterior lurked a puritanical center just ululating to get out.
CHAPTER 3
1I maintained a thorough oversight over human affairs during this time; but as for divine intervention, the Middle Ages marked the start of the third and final phase of my dramatic career.
2 Like Garbo, I had begun in silence, made the transition to talking, and now, increasingly, just wanted to be left alone.
3 So I made fewer and fewer cameos; and many well-known figures of this era who are widely assumed to have been my associates, had no connection with me whatsoever.
4 Attila the Hun, for example; even in his own time he was nicknamed the Scourge of God; to be sure he was a scourge, but not mine; he was but a tribal scourge, scourging whatever he deemed Hunnably scourgable.
5 The same is true of the Vikings; I played no role in any of their raids, or ransacks, or pillages, or plunderings; though I did admire their work.
6 (As an aside, I must briefly state my displeasure that through some quirk of historical circumstance, four of the seven days of the week are named for pagan Germanic gods.
7 Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday; 80 percent of thy office hours are spent in nomenclatural Valhalla.
8 The worst is Friday, for that is the day I am forced to hear myself endlessly and mistakenly thanked.
9 Thank not me; thank Frigg, the Norse goddess of love, ye unwitting pagans.)
10 At one point during Genghis Khan’s brutal conquest of half of Eurasia, he said, “I am the flail of God.”
11 I sent no such flail.
12 Nor were the great heroes of the age in league with me; men like Charlemagne, who was deified by many of his subjects after he named his kingdom the “Holy Roman Empire”; they took it as a sign of my providence; it was not; it was just good branding.
13 And the knights who roamed the countryside as ostensible paradigms of the Christian warrior; some rescued fair maidens, others ravaged fair maidens, and over half dressed as fair maidens under their armor, but nary a one was doing “the LORD’s work.”
14 Even Dante, author of The Divine Comedy—the greatest sci-fi trilogy of all time—worked alone; though his work was infused with such genius I wound up borrowing a few of his ideas, as did the devil.
15 (Which ones? Thou shalt have to wait and see!)
16 But there were a few significant events during this godliest of ages that I actually did a little godding on.
17 One was the Black Death, to which I referred earlier as the butt of one of Raphael’s great mirths; I imposed it on Europe as harsh but fair
punishment for . . . something.
18 At the moment I remember not what, exactly; but knowing me my guess would be something in the general ballpark of wickedness;