She took a deep breath and pushed her hair back from her face with both hands.
“Tell me about it,” he requested, as if he sensed more was bubbling up inside her and could form a thick wall between them if she didn’t let it out.
After a long silence, sorting out the words that could express all of it, she said in a low voice, “I didn’t go to class. I hardly ate. My mom stayed with me for a while, but I sent her home. Everyone kept saying they were sorry, and I didn’t know what to say back. I just couldn’t make sense of it.”
She turned to face Shep. “When I finally returned to class, I was like a robot. But then the pace and complexity of med school gave me a routine to hold on to. Weeks and months passed, and I had a goal—to become the doctor Clark wanted me to be. That was all I thought about and all I lived for. It was my way of holding on to his memory. As the years passed, I found a rhythm. I concentrated on children and I helped them. By helping them I helped myself.”
The burble of the creek and a call of a bird were the only sounds until Shep asked, “Why did you come back to Sagebrush?”
“Because I knew that to move on, I couldn’t stay in New York. So I came back home to be near my family, to share a practice and make a difference here.” She had told a bit of this to her friends, but had never let it pour out to this extent. Why had the dam fully burst open with Shep?
His hand clasped her shoulder for a few moments, and then, as if the contact was still too incendiary, he took his hand away. “I never meant for things to get so out of hand today.”
She could hear the sincerity in his voice, still feel the warmth of his hand where it had lain. “I know you didn’t. I never expected—” She dropped her face into her hands for a moment, then glanced at him again. “This isn’t me, Shep. As I told you, I haven’t dated since Clark died. I’ve just ignored that side of me. Yet, when I came out here today, I felt so alive, and the place is so beautiful, and you— I hadn’t felt a connection like that in a very long time. I wasn’t thinking of the anniversary date. I guess, subconsciously, I just wanted to feel alive.” She let out a long sigh. “And that’s why it happened.”
“And afterward, why the tears?” he probed. “Because I wasn’t your husband?”
Closing her eyes, she thought about her reaction. “It’s not that simple. I just got bombarded by all the emotions a woman feels when she joins with a man. Sex was never just a physical release for me, and I guess I’m too old for it to be now. I know it is for guys, but I’m just not wired like that. It seems odd that pleasure and joy should let everything else crash in, but that’s what happened.”
“I knew you weren’t the kind of woman to have recreational sex,” he admitted. “That’s why I’ve kept my distance. I’ve got three boys who need me. I’m not looking to partner up and make my life more complicated than it is.”
Partner up. Was she relieved he didn’t want to? Or hurt he didn’t want to? What she was, was confused. “That’s honest,” she murmured, glad he could be.
“You were honest with me. I thought I should return the favor.”
He’d already told her he didn’t trust women. She’d sensed from the beginning that he was a loner and intended to run his life without having to answer to anyone else. They’d made a huge mistake today, and they both knew it.
“Do you want to go back?” he asked her.
She knew if she said “Let’s have a picnic” they would have it, no matter how awkward it would be. But why put them through it? Why put them through having to make small talk and pretend they hadn’t been as intimate as two people could be?
“That would probably be best,” she responded, and saw the relief in his eyes. Whatever had been brewing between them had ended today—because neither of them were ready for it.
On Saturday, Shep leaned against the kitchen counter, trying to look more relaxed than he felt as Manuel’s caseworker inspected his cupboards and refrigerator.
He hated these visits, but he knew they were necessary. Still, he felt one wrong move, one wrong word and she could swoop Manuel out of their lives.
“Did you find what you’re looking for?” he asked, with some attempt at levity.
Uncharacteristically quiet, Roy and Joey sat at the kitchen table eating lunch. Manuel poked at the noodles on his tray, smearing cheese on the vinyl and then across his mouth.
Carla Sumpter, a tall brunette in her forties, gave a weary sigh. “Mr. McGraw, you know this is just routine. Could I have a word with you on the porch while the boys finish their lunch?”
Manuel suddenly decided he’d had enough of lunch. “Daddy, Daddy. Up! Up!”
Ignoring Carla for the moment, Shep went to Manuel, lifted him from his high chair and took him to the sink, where he proceeded to wash his hands and face. Manuel shook his head from side to side, avoiding the damp paper towel, but Shep made a game of it and soon the little boy was giggling.
“Mr. McGraw.” The caseworker reminded him she was there.
He faced her and said, “The boys come first, even before your report. Just give me a few seconds and I’ll come out on the porch with you.” Crossing to the table, he said to Roy and Joey, “Each of you can have two cookies from the bakery box. I know how many are in there, so don’t try to fool me.” He winked at them. “I’ll be right outside.”
Roy crooked his finger at Shep.
Shep leaned down toward him.
Roy asked, “She’s not going to take Manuel with her, is she?”
Roy asked this every time the caseworker visited. “No, she’s not. Now eat a cookie and drink your milk. I’ll be back.”
Two minutes later, he was standing on the porch with Mrs. Sumpter. He took his key ring out of his pocket and handed it to Manuel to keep him occupied.
Shep had to admit he was distracted today. He had been for the past two days. In spite of his attempt, he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about Raina. Especially today—September eleventh. He’d thought about calling her. But his gut told him to leave her alone—for now. In a few weeks, he’d have to check on her. They hadn’t used protection, and he would have to find out if she was or wasn’t pregnant.
Although images of Raina and their day together had kept him awake the past two nights, he shifted his focus to Manuel.
Carla wiped a little smear of cheese from Manuel’s cheek with her forefinger, and he grinned at her. She smiled back. “I’m glad his operation went well. He does seem to be hearing better. You said your housekeeper is shopping today?”
“Yes. Some sale she wanted to go to in Lubbock. She’ll be driving to Amarillo later in the month to see her sister. She needs a few things for that.”
“How long will she be away?”
“Three or four days.”
“And you think you can handle all three yourself?”
“I spend as much time with them as Eva does.” He tried to keep his voice from showing his impatience. “When she leaves after supper, it’s me and them. On her days off, it’s me and them. Believe me, Mrs. Sumpter, we’ll be just fine when she’s away.”
She peered inside the kitchen where Roy and Joey were comparing the size of their cookies. Then her gaze returned to Manuel again. With her purse under her arm, she descended the steps. “I hope so, Mr. McGraw. I do hope so.”
As he watched her make her way to her car, he looked forward to the day when her visits would end. He looked forward to the day when he was officially Manuel’s dad.
Smoothing his hand over his little boy’s hair, he thought of Raina again and how good she was with his boys. Did they need a mother?
Not as much as they needed one stable person in their lives who would never leave them. Shep knew he was that person.
For the past few days, Raina had told herself not to panic. Yes, her period was late. But it could just be…stress.
The problem was—she was never late. Never, ever. Not even through the most horrible time of her life.
So she’d done what any woman in this
position would do. She’d gone out and bought two pregnancy tests last night on her way home. Angie had just switched to the day shift and left for work. Raina was alone in the house.
Despite reminding herself once again not to panic, she still was. A few minutes later, she waited in the bathroom, staring at the thermometerlike stick lying on the vanity. She read the code on the display window.
Her head swirled as she realized what the message meant. She was pregnant. Hurriedly, she unwrapped the second package, hoping the first was a mistake and would say something different.
But deep down she already knew the reading was true. She was carrying Shep’s baby.
It would take a few minutes until her world righted itself and she could figure out what she was going to do next.
“You’re pregnant?” Ryder Greystone’s voice was filled with astonishment.
“That’s what I said.” Raina sat quietly beside her brother on his patio Sunday evening, looking up at the sky, trying to decide what to do.
“Who’s the father?” Her brother’s voice was gruff, and she knew this was hard for him. He’d always been the kind of big brother who wanted to take care of his little sister.
“Shep McGraw.” Raina explained how she’d met Shep and the boys.
“I heard he was adopting three boys. What’s his story? Why did he do it?” As a cop, as a detective, Ryder was always looking for motives.
“He was born in this area. Then he and his mom moved to California after his dad died. He ended up in the foster-care system there. He insists his goal is to give kids more than a temporary home, a home like he never had.”
“So this guy blows into town, buys a ranch, a lumberyard, and adopts a few kids. I think I’ll do a background check.”
“Ryder.”
Ryder’s suspicions stemmed from the fact that he’d seen his share of domestic violence, as well as women harmed by con men. But Shep didn’t fit into either category.
“Just let me check around, Raina. I don’t want you getting involved with someone you shouldn’t get involved with. And don’t lecture me on how you have to live your life on your own terms. Go ahead, do that. Just let me be in the background making sure those terms are good ones. You deserve the best. And if this guy isn’t the best, you need to know.”
“He’s a wonderful dad. I think that tells a lot about a man.”
“How long have you been dating him?”
That one was hard to answer. She didn’t want her brother to know their first date had ended in making love under a cottonwood. “Ryder, Shep and I connected. It happened fast.”
“You’re not impulsive.”
“I was this time. Isn’t that obvious? We didn’t use protection. We didn’t even think about protection.”
“Too much information,” Ryder said with a shake of his head.
“You were grilling me. I get confused between an interrogation and what a brother should know.”
He chuckled. “Raina, sometimes I don’t know what to do with you.”
“Just don’t tell Mom yet. Once I know what I’m going to do—” The cell phone in her purse beside her chair beeped. She plucked it out, thinking it might be Lily. However, the number on the screen was Shep’s. Her heart started beating even faster than it had when she’d told Ryder her news as she answered the call.
“Hi, Shep.” That was lame, but she didn’t know what else to say, not yet anyway.
“Raina, hi. How are you?”
“I’m fine.” Had he called for that reason? Had he called to see if she was pregnant?
“I don’t know if I believe you. You weathered September eleventh okay?”
Had he been thinking about her that Saturday? It sounded as if he had been. “I weathered it.” She didn’t want to go into it now, with her brother listening.
“I thought about calling you. But it seemed better just to let everything…settle.”
She knew exactly what he meant. “Is that why you called tonight?”
“I called for more than one reason. But I don’t want to talk about them on the phone. For starters, do you by any chance have the name of a nurse I could call who would come to stay with the boys overnight?”
That question hadn’t even been on her clipboard. “A nurse? Why do you need a nurse?”
“I don’t need a nurse per se, but I’ve got a sick horse, and Eva’s away in Amarillo. I might be able to take Roy and Joey to the barn with me and let them sleep in bedrolls, but I can’t do that with Manuel. All I would need is the caseworker showing up and finding out about it. So I’ve got to do this right.”
“You have to stay with the horse all night?”
“Possibly. He has colic. I don’t want to lose him.”
An idea rolled around in her head, and she knew she should dismiss it. But she did need to talk to Shep, and at least she’d have a reason for being at the ranch. Before she changed her mind, she said, “I’m not on call this weekend. Why don’t I come out and stay overnight with the boys and get them ready for school in the morning. Do you think that would be okay with them?”
“I’m sure that would be fine with them, but are you sure you want to do it?”
She knew what he meant. When she’d left his ranch, she’d had no intention of seeing him again. Or he her. But now everything had changed. “We do need to talk. Besides, I’ve missed the boys.”
“They asked me about you, when you’d be coming to the ranch again.”
“What did you tell them?”
“The truth. That I didn’t know.”
She could just blurt out the fact that she was pregnant. But that wasn’t the way to handle this. She didn’t know exactly what was—she just knew that wasn’t the way. “I’m at Ryder’s now. I’ll have to go back home to pick up a couple of things. But then I’ll be there. It will probably take about a half hour.”
“You’re a godsend, Raina. Thanks for offering to do this. If you have second thoughts on your way, though, and you can think of the name of someone else to call, let me know.”
“I’ll be there, Shep.”
“A promise?”
“A promise.” She could almost see his crooked smile as she closed the phone.
“You’re driving out there tonight?” Ryder asked with a bit of disapproval in his tone.
“Shep has a sick horse and needs help with the boys. He can’t leave them alone.”
“I thought he had a nanny.”
“She’s away.”
“How much older is she than he is?”
“Ryder!”
“How much?” he grumbled.
“About fifteen years. There’s nothing going on between them except respect and affection.”
“I’m still going to do a background check.”
“I don’t want you to. You’re not going to find anything. He’s a good man.”
“Men who have been away for years and then return have a past. In that past, sometimes there are secrets.”
Did Shep have secrets? Didn’t everybody?
Standing, she went over to her brother and hugged him. “Please, Ryder. Just let me live my life. Okay?”
He didn’t answer her.
Straightening, she picked up her purse and shoved the strap over her shoulder. “Remember, don’t tell Mom anything.”
“You are going to tell her you’re pregnant.”
She sighed. “In good time. I have to figure out what I’m going to do first.”
“Keep in mind one thing, will you?” he asked soberly.
“What’s that?” She thought he might insist she didn’t have to be involved with Shep McGraw simply because she was carrying his child.
He told her something else. “I want you to think of yourself this time, Raina.”
She wasn’t sure what he meant. “Do you want to explain that?”
“When you married Clark, you supported his lifestyle as a fireman. You fit yours around it. After Clark died, you thought about his family, about his friends, a
bout grants you could give to fire companies in his name, instead of using that money to make your life easier and secure.”
“I used some to finish med school. That was all I needed.”
“I know what you used. You needed a lot more than you gave away. The fact is, I don’t think you really thought about yourself until you moved back here. Don’t stop now. You consider what’s best for you and your baby.”
“I will,” she promised him, already focused on the life growing inside of her. She would always do what was best for her baby.
Parking next to the veterinarian’s van, Raina closed her car door. As she began walking toward the house, Shep strode across the lane from the barn, holding Manuel.
Roy and Joey were tight on his heels. Roy asked in excitement, “Are you going to put us to bed tonight?”
“I think I am.”
Her gaze met Shep’s and the world shook a little, a leftover seismic tremor from what had happened between them that day under the cottonwoods.
“Thanks for coming.”
She felt herself blushing, something she couldn’t remember happening before she’d met him. “Have you been trying to take care of the kids, the ranch and a sick horse all by yourself?”
“I’m definitely not super-rancher,” he said with a crooked grin. “The man who tends to the horses most days stayed late. He just left when the vet arrived. I do know my limits.”
In a way, she guessed that Shep thought he didn’t have many limits. She wasn’t sure what had given her that idea. He seemed to be able to tackle anything, and do a good job of it, whether it was adopting the boys or seeing to the ranch and handling the lumberyard business. She considered what Ryder had said about doing a background check and she liked the idea even less now than she had earlier. She’d have to tell him again to let it go.
As they started toward the house, Roy tucked his little hand in hers and a warm feeling enveloped her. She hadn’t thought much about being a mother over the past few years—not since losing Clark. Now, with Roy’s hand in hers, and the knowledge that she had a little life growing inside of her, she realized a forgotten dream could come true.
Once they were on the porch, she held out her hands to Manuel. He pursed his lips, made a sound like an engine and then lunged toward her. She caught him with a laugh, holding him close.
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