Hadrian's Rage

by Patricia-Marie Budd

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  Third Party Politics

  Telling Matt about Stephanie is one of the hardest things Wolf has ever had to do. That Matt will be unreceptive, Wolf anticipates, but he has to broach the subject anyway. Stephanie was going to break up with him because she knows how important their friendship is to both men. Wolf, not wanting to lose either and confronted with the inevitable loss of his lover, has decided telling Matt is the only thing he could do. He knows it could mean losing both his best friend and lover because Stephanie doesn’t want Matt to know.

  “It will hurt him too much, and I’ve already inflicted two lifetimes’ worth of pain on him.”

  Although Wolf understands Stephanie’s reasoning, he can’t bear the thought of losing her, so he makes the most important decision of his life, and the riskiest, too, by choosing to tell Matthew.

  Matt’s response is as expected, expressing hurt and betrayal. “I can’t believe you’re asking me this.”

  “I just, I need your blessing, Matt.”

  “Are you fucking insane? You want me to say, ‘Great’? Or ‘I’m happy for you’? Well, I’m not! I fucking hate him. You know what he did to me. What he made me do. I told you everything, man, and now you want me to bless your union. Fuck, man! I thought you were my friend!”

  “We are friends, Matt.”

  “Not as long as you’re with him!”

  “Her.”

  “Fuck! Don’t give me that! He abused me.”

  “I know, but Stephanie’s not the same girl as the boy you knew. She’s—well, she’s sorry for what she did to you.”

  “And that’s supposed make it all okay? She’s sorry. It doesn’t work that way, Wolf!” “I know, but she’s gonna leave.”

  “Good!”

  With eyes red and tears refusing to be held back, Wolf pleads with his best friend. “But I love her. And she won’t stay with me because she knows we’re friends. She says she won’t hurt you again.” Tears overwhelm him and Wolf sobs with abandon. Finally back in control, Wolf adds, “Stephanie was a girl pretending to be a man in a fucked up world. Now she’s just a woman. And she loves me. And I love her. And she’s leaving me. For the first time in over fifteen years, I’m actually happy, and I’m about to lose everything ’cause Stephanie’s leaving me and now I’ve lost you, too. I’d never have risked our friendship if I didn’t love her, Matt.”

  Matt, with his back turned, hands on his hips, one knee bent and head bowed, shudders, “Do you really love her?”

  “I love her as much as Hadrian loved Antinous.”

  “And she makes you happy?”

  “As happy as Antinous made Hadrian.”

  “Fuck.” Matt turns to face his friend. “You love her and she loves you?”

  Feeling almost hopeful, Wolf can barely whisper his response. “Yes.”

  “You deserve to be happy.”

  “We still mates?”

  Matt almost smiles. “Yeah, man, we’re still mates.”

  “Will you tell Stephanie you’re okay with her and me?”

  Matt groans. “Fuck, Wolf, you’re pushing it!”

  Despair reopens both men’s wounds. “She won’t believe me.”

  Matt harrumphs, “She’d be a fucking moron if she did.” Turning now, expressing all his disgust and hate in two glaring red eyes, eyes filled with tears that, for Matt, too, also refuse to be denied, he concludes, “I don’t ever want to be in the same room as her.”

  “Just a voc, a voc message, that’s all.”

  “Cam it now before I change my mind.”

  Wolf quickly wipes his eyes, hoping to keep the film from being blurry. “Ready.”

  There is a brief pause as Matt stands, hands on hips, head bent, then utters, “Stephanie.” Now Matt stares into Wolf’s eyes; one of them is operating the cam, and his glare is directed at her. “For some reason unfathomable to me, this mother fucker Wolf loves you. He fucking loves you so you better not leave him because he’s my best mate, and I swear on Antinous’s tomb if you ever hurt him—just don’t leave him. Not because of me.” Matt spins on his heels, giving the cam his back. “All right, I’m done. We’re still mates regardless of what she decides. I just don’t ever want to see her.” Turning now to speak one more time to Stephanie, he adds, “Don’t you fucking break his heart!” Turning away again, Matt orders, “Turn it off.”

  *****

  Telling Faial about their relationship is one of the hardest things Jason and Cantara ever have to do. Jason is both confused and embarrassed. In fact, he is terrified at the thought of how Faial might respond. The last time he saw her, he had confessed a strong attraction for her. Faial had responded with compassion and understanding, but not with similar feelings, for which Jason will always be grateful. Although he didn’t know it at the time, he was forging a true bond of love with Faial’s daughter, Cantara. On that fateful night when Jason cradled Cantara, helping her overcome suffocating grief, the two discovered themselves kissing. When they stopped to look deep into one another’s eyes, they knew they were going to build something important together. It turns out that “something” is a life together.

  For Cantara, although she knows how supportive her mother is, she deems herself one of the lucky ones. Regardless, Cantara is still unsure how Faial will react to her making a lifelong commitment to a man—and not just any man, the very man who once professed his love for Faial.

  Faial’s silence causes both Jason and Cantara to despair. Just when both are convinced she is going to explode with ire, Faial steps forward to embrace them both. Her words, “Welcome to the family, Jason” fill the young couple with warm bliss. “You know,” she adds, “I’ve always wanted a son.”

  Even so, it isn’t completely easy. Faial, after all, is a lawyer schooled in the ways of Hadrian’s legal system. Her initial reaction (albeit hidden)—fear—is consistent with that of any good parent. Fear for her child’s safety. Thus, as a result of, and against her better judgment, she blurts out a reminder of the law, “Penile Vag—”

  Cantara quells that potential onslaught. “No, Mom. No spouting the law. We know it. We know what we can and can’t do. We’re not fools.”

  Faial saddens. “You know you won’t be able to have children. The state won’t allow it. Any confessed—”

  “Yes, Faial.” It is Jason’s turn to cut her off. “We know that law, too. I burned that bridge when I came out as straight. But if Cantara wants a child, she is still able to. I’ve told her I’m willing to keep our love a secret; that way she can raise a baby and I can be our child’s ‘uncle.’”

  Cantara immediately launches the counter-attack, “And I told Jason I’m not hiding anything. We love each other and have the right—”

  “—should have the right, but we don’t.”

  “—to express our love openly. And if that means we can’t have children, then we can’t have children.”

  Faial’s mood is somber. “Or grandchildren.”

  Cantara softens to her mother’s grief. “I’m sorry, Mom.”

  Faial steels herself to her new reality. “Well, it looks like you two have just placed another challenge on my plate.”

  Cantara and Jason beam, asking in tangent, “What’s that?”

  “I’m just going to have to present a bill to the government allowing for straight couples to raise children.”

  “Good luck with that, Mom.”

  Jason’s love and confidence in his soon-to-be mother-in-law flows freely. “If anyone can help change history, Faial, it’s you.”

  Smiling, Faial reminds him, “Please, Jason, call me ‘Mom.’”

  *****

  Telling Roger is one of the hardest things Frank has ever had to do. He anticipates that Roger will be unreceptive, but Frank has to broach the subject anyway. Devon is going to break up with him because he doesn’t want to
come between the two brothers. Frank, not wanting to lose either and confronted with the inevitable loss of his lover, decides telling Roger is the only thing he can do. He knows it could mean losing both his brother and his lover because Devon doesn’t want Roger to know.

  “It will hurt him too much, and I’ve already inflicted two lifetimes’ worth of pain on him.”

  Although Frank understands Devon’s reasoning, he can’t bear the thought of losing him, so he makes the most important decision of his life, and the riskiest, too, by choosing to tell Roger.

  Roger’s response is as expected—expressing hurt and betrayal. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me?” Dumbfounded and outraged at what Frank is revealing, Roger cuts him off. “Do you know what that man did to me?”

  Frank shudders in shame. “Yes, he told me.”

  “And you still want my blessing? Are you fucking insane?”

  “I’m sorry, Roger.”

  “Sorry doesn’t cut it. He turned fucking brutal. He couldn’t have sex without beating me. The last time we were together, I told him to stop, but he kept right on battering me. He fucked me even after I said, ‘Stop’!” Staring at his brother in disbelief, Roger concludes, “He’s not a nice man, Frank.”

  “A man can change.”

  “That’s all you’ve got for me? ‘A man can change’?” Pointing now to his body, Roger declares, “The bruises have healed, Frank, but the scars he left are deep! I fucking hate him!”

  Frank’s tears burst forth as he proclaims, “But I love him, Roger. And he loves me.”

  Roger is having none of it. “He made my life a misery!”

  Frank pleads with his little brother. “But I love him. And he won’t stay with me because he knows I want to marry him and he thinks that will hurt you. He says he won’t hurt you ever again.” Overwhelmed, Frank sobs with abandon. Finally back in control, he adds, “Devon was angry back then. Angry at me for killing Todd. He wanted to strike out and hurt me, and you were the closest thing to me he had. He wasn’t functioning on reason, just anger and spite. But he doesn’t hate me anymore. He loves me, and I love him. And now he’s leaving me because I asked him to marry me. For the first time since Todd—since being in here, I can finally say I’m happy. He makes me happy, and now I’m about to lose everything.”

  “What do you mean everything?”

  Frank’s hopes rise slightly. “’Cause Devon’s leaving me, and now I’ve lost you, too. I’d never have risked losing you, Roger, if I didn’t love him as much as I do.”

  “Fuck!” Turning his back on his brother, with hands on hips and head bowed, Roger shudders. “Do you really love him?”

  “I love him as much as Hadrian loved Antinous.”

  “And he makes you happy?”

  “As happy as Antinous made Hadrian.”

  “Fuck.” Roger turns. “He doesn’t beat you, does he? He’s never hurt you?”

  Overwhelmed with hope, Frank can barely whisper his response, “No.”

  “He makes you happy?” The very thought is unfathomable. “He really makes you happy?”

  “Yes.”

  Roger ponders this for a moment. “You deserve to be happy.”

  Frank slumps over. “I know I don’t deserve happiness, but I love him.”

  Roger turns and crosses over to his brother, placing his hands on his shoulder. He shakes Frank slightly to get him to look in his eyes. “No, Frank, I said you deserve to be happy, and,” closing his eyes while pausing for a breath, “if Devon makes you happy, you should marry him.” Frank leaps into Roger’s arms, crying too hard even to respond. Roger understands. “It’s okay, Frank. You’ll always be my brother.”

  “Will you—” Frank trips over the words, “—will you tell Devon you’re okay with him and me?”

  Roger groans. “Fuck, man; don’t push it!”

  Despair begins refilling both men’s wounds. “He won’t believe me.”

  Roger harrumphs. “He’d be a fucking idiot if he did.” Turning now, expressing all his disgust and hate through two glaring red eyes, eyes filled with tears that, for Roger, also refuse to be denied, Roger admits, “I don’t ever want to see him again!”

  “Just a voc, a voc message—that’s all.”

  “You better cam him now before I change my mind.”

  “I—I can’t.” Frank lost his vocal contact lens when he was incarcerated.

  Roger squirms before reaching deep inside for the never-ending well of brotherly love. Quickly, to avoid changing his mind and hurting his brother, he wipes his eyes. The last thing Roger wants is for Devon to see him cry. He blinks, nods once to Frank, and then begins. “Devon,” Roger shakes and thrusts his hand palm out in front of him, “don’t talk; just listen!” Staring dead ahead, no doubt deep into Devon’s eyes, Roger hopes to ascertain any sign of reform; begrudgingly, he admits to seeing some. “For some reason unbeknownst to me, this mother fucking brother of mine says he loves you. He fucking loves you so much he’s willing to risk losing both you and me! Don’t you fucking say a word! You don’t deserve him! And I damn well know he deserves a lot better than you. But he loves you.” Roger shakes his head, dumbfounded. “I can’t fucking believe it, but he loves you, so you better not hurt him like you did me because he’s my brother, man, and I swear on Antinous’s tomb, if you ever hurt him—if you ever hurt him—I will hunt you down and make the last few hours of your life a living fucking hell!” That said, Roger severs the connection with one quick blink of an eye. Looking back at Frank, Roger reassures him, “We’re still brothers, regardless of what that bastard decides.”

  *****

  Forgiving Frank for his role in Todd’s death is one of the hardest things Dean has ever had to do. After Frank killed Todd, albeit in an act of assisted suicide, Dean couldn’t even look his son in the face. Dean knew in his heart he was abandoning his son, and he knew Frank must have been badly hurt by that abandonment, but for Dean, grief and disappointment masked Frank’s pain. As hard as he tried to fight against this most unnatural parental act, he could not wrap his brain around the fact that Frank had, according to the presiding judge, murdered his best friend’s son, a young man Dean had come to love as much as his own children. Todd Middleton was Dean’s adopted, though not legally, son. Todd’s exposure, the abuses Todd had suffered in reeducation under then warden, Gideon Weller, compounded with his sudden death by asphyxiation, severed the cord of love that had bound Dean to Frank. Loathing had replaced love when Geoffrey explained how Frank had forced Todd to have sex in a desperate attempt to tame him and avoid his being sent to reeducation—a sadly futile act. Dean wishes Geoffrey had left him in ignorance, and yet, knowing the truth is the only way one can ever truly obtain true forgiveness. When Dean and Geoffrey finally set the date for their reregistration, Dean is confronted with the reality of having to accept Frank back into his life.

  “Dean, I want Frank at our wedding. I want him to sit at the head table with us. Roger can stand up for you, but I want Frank to stand up for me.”

  Dean is stunned. Of course, Geoffrey wants his eldest son at their wedding. Seeing how important this is to Geoffrey causes Dean to wonder about his own feelings for Frank. “Geoffrey, I need a little time to think about this.”

  “Take all the time you need, but know this, I can’t see myself reentering our relationship without the full acceptance of our family. You once loved him as a son. Please look inside and try to find that love again.”

  “I don’t know if that’s possible, Geoffrey.”

  “If not, then meet him on neutral ground and try to build a new connection. I can’t, as much as I love you, Dean, consent to remarry you if that means leaving Frank in the background. He’s our son. I know he’s done horrible things, but he is paying for those, and he will continue to pay his dues for the rest of his life. But I cannot, I will not, countenance a continuance of judgment thrust on him on our part.” Sighing, knowing that Dean’s decision in this matter will determine whether or not they ca
n live their lives together, Geoffrey adds, “One does not abandon one’s child, no matter what the circumstances are.” And although Geoffrey is taking a huge risk playing this next card, he knows it might be the only way to get through to Dean and bring him back to accepting and loving their son. “I am not Mike Fulton.” Looking directly into Dean’s eyes, he asks, “Are you?”

  Dean turns white, his breath catching painfully in his chest. Mike Fulton. He abandoned his son, Todd Middleton, the boy Dean loved like a son. “I’m not…” Dean desperately wants to say he is nothing like Mike Fulton, but the facts have just punched him in the heart. “Oh, Geoffrey, forgive me.”

  “I have.” Feeling love and empathy, but refusing to give in to pity, Geoffrey clinches it for Dean by saying, “Now it is up to you to forgive Frank.”

  Dean finally admits to his own personal truth. “I abandoned Frank, just like Mike abandoned Todd.”

  Geoffrey does not dispute him. “Yes, you did.”

  “Can he—will he—forgive me?”

  “Roger and I are scheduled to visit him next Sunday. Come with us. What you and Frank need is for someone to make the first move. He can’t, not where he is. But if you forgive him, maybe he can learn to forgive himself, and then learn to love you as his papa again. You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

  All Dean can do is nod, words choked by emotion, but when he finally gets his voice back, he answers Geoffrey’s behest. “Yes. I want that.”

  *****

  Salve!

  Stiles Takes a DIVE!

  HNN—Danny Duggin Reporting

  Oh, people, did you watch yesterday’s Real News? I did; well, not when it was broadcast, but as soon as I heard about what was said on it, I blinked right into that newscast, and all I can say is “Madame President, THANK YOU!” This is just too good to be true. Not only did she admit to having lied to our country, having been voted in under false pretense, but she also admitted to having brought her own personal strai agenda to the table. You know, she claims that 85 percent of the population is bi—well, that sounds like a confession to me. I always knew Stiles was straight. She just has that strai look about her, something in her eyes. And here I was worried that Cooper Johnston was going to have a fight on his hands. Prior to yesterday’s stunning announcement, Elena Stiles was winning in the polls. I don’t even have to look at the polls now to know that she just handed over the office of the Presidency to Cooper Johnston. She might as well step down now.