If You're Reading This, It's Too Late

by Pseudonymous Bosch

  * IF YOU’VE NEVER SEEN THE LETTER, I RECOMMEND YOU READ IT YOURSELF. IT WAS WRITTEN IN CODE AND SIGNED P.B. PIETRO BERGAMO. CASS AND HER FRIEND MAX-ERNEST FOUND IT ETCHED ON A FOGGY WINDOW. BUT YOU WILL FIND IT AT THE END OF THE LAST CHAPTER OF MY FIRST BOOK, CASS AND MAX-ERNEST AND THE SECRET OF THE ROTTEN EGG SMELL, OR WHATEVER IT’S CALLED. WHETHER YOU READ THE WHOLE BOOK FIRST (WHICH IS THE HONORABLE THING TO DO) OR JUST SKIP TO THE LETTER AND THEN PUT THE BOOK BACK ON THE SHELF (WHICH IS BASICALLY LIKE STEALING) IS UP TO YOU. (back to text)

  * FREUD WAS THE INVENTOR OF THE FREUDIAN SLIP — WHICH IS NOT SOMETHING YOU WEAR UNDER A DRESS, BUT IS WHEN YOU INTEND TO SAY ONE THING, THEN ACCIDENTALLY SAY SOMETHING ELSE THAT WAS ON YOUR MIND. SO CHEESE — I MEAN, PLEASE — TAKE EVERYTHING HE SAID WITH A GRAIN OF SALT (OR AT LEAST WITH A SLICE OF CHEDDAR). PERHAPS HE MEANT THAT A DREAM WAS THE FULFILLMENT OF A FISH! (back to text)

  * YES, I AGREE. HUGGING A PLUSHY TOY — EVEN A RECYCLED SOCK- MONSTER — DOESN’T SEEM VERY SURVIVALIST-ISH. CASS WOULD BE RATHER UPSET THAT I MENTIONED IT. PLEASE FORGET ABOUT IT — AS WELL AS ABOUT EVERYTHING ELSE I TELL YOU, OF COURSE. (back to text)

  * WHILE I’M ON THE SUBJECT, YOU DO REMEMBER THAT ALL THE NAMES IN THIS BOOK ARE MADE UP, DON’T YOU? CASSANDRA. MAX-ERNEST. ALL OF THEM. YES, I’M RECKLESS AND IRRESPONSIBLE, BUT THERE’S A LIMIT — EVEN FOR ME. I WOULD NEVER TELL YOU MY CHARACTERS’ REAL NAMES. IF SOMEBODY READING THIS BOOK — SOMEBODY, I SAID, NOT YOU — WERE ABLE TO TRACK ONE OF THEM DOWN, WELL, I DON’T EVEN WANT TO THINK ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES. (back to text)

  * DON’T WORRY, AS CASS OFTEN POINTED OUT TO HER NERVOUS LUNCH TABLE COMPANIONS, THERE WERE NO NUTS IN HER TRAIL MIX — JUST PEANUT BUTTER CHIPS, AND THEY WERE ARTIFICIALLY FLAVORED. FOR CASS’S PATENTED “SUPER-CHIP” TRAIL MIX RECIPE, SEE BOOK I, APPENDIX. (back to text)

  * IF YOU ASK YOUR PARENTS, THEY WILL PROBABLY TELL YOU THAT JIMI HENDRIX WAS THE GREATEST ROCK GUITAR PLAYER WHO EVER LIVED. WHAT THEY MIGHT NOT TELL YOU IS THAT HE ALSO LIKED TO WEAR WIGS. FEEDBACK, BY THE WAY, IS THAT HIGH-PITCHED SQUEALING YOU GET WHEN A MICROPHONE PICKS UP SOUND FROM A LOUDSPEAKER (A SOUND WHICH, IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT, CAME FROM THE MICROPHONE IN THE FIRST PLACE!). BEFORE HENDRIX, MOST PEOPLE THOUGHT OF FEEDBACK AS TRASH NOISE. BUT HE TURNED IT INTO MUSIC. (back to text)

  * ACTUALLY, IT WAS NOT A GALLEON, BUT RATHER A NINETEENTH-CENTURY SCHOONER — A SIMILAR BUT SLEEKER VESSEL. BUT I THINK THE WORD GALLEON HAS A MORE ROMANTIC AND ADVENTUROUS RING TO IT, DON’T YOU? (back to text)

  * I BELIEVE MS. MAUVAIS WAS REFERRING TO THE TIME CASS PRETENDED TO BE A SKELTON SISTER IN ORDER TO GAIN ENTRANCE TO HER SPA. A RATHER MEAN JOKE, IF YOU ASK ME. (back to text)

  * IT DOESN’T SURPRISE ME THAT MS. MAUVAIS’S CHEF WOULD WANT TO MAKE SHARK FIN SOUP; IT IS A SOUP FOR THE HEARTLESS. IN ORDER TO MAKE IT, A FIN IS RIPPED OFF A LIVE SHARK — THEN THE SHARK IS THROWN BACK INTO THE WATER. UNABLE TO SWIM, THE SHARK DROWNS — OR BECOMES PREY FOR OTHER FISH. (back to text)

  * READERS OF MY PREVIOUS LITERARY EFFORT MAY REMEMBER A YOUNG CHINESE GIRL MENTIONED IN PIETRO’S NOTEBOOK. A VIOLIN PRODIGY, SHE WAS KIDNAPPED BY MS. MAUVAIS AFTER A CONCERT. YES, LILY WEI IS THE VERY SAME GIRL, NOW GROWN UP. AS YOU CAN IMAGINE, HER YEARS WITH THE MIDNIGHT SUN WERE HARROWING, AND HER ESCAPE EXHILARATING — BUT THAT, I’M AFRAID, IS A STORY FOR ANOTHER TIME. (back to text)

  * IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT ONOMATOPOEIC MEANS, WELL — DING-DONG-CLICK-CLACK-BUZZ-QUACK! — LOOK IT UP. (back to text)

  * I WILL LET YOU, DEAR READER, DECIDE WHETHER CASS DID RIGHT IN LETTING MAX-ERNEST DO ALL THE WORK, OR WHETHER — JUST POSSIBLY — SHE WAS HIDING BEHIND HER ENVIRONMENTAL SENSITIVITIES TO AVOID A TASK SHE DIDN’T WANT TO DO IN THE FIRST PLACE. (back to text)

  * JUST TO BE CLEAR: A HALF-HOUSE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HALF-LIFE, WHICH IS A WAY OF MEASURING RADIATION RESIDUE AND OTHER THINGS THAT DISAPPEAR OVER TIME. NOR IS A HALF-HOUSE ANYTHING LIKE A HALFWAY HOUSE, WHICH IS A PLACE PEOPLE STAY AFTER THEY’VE BEEN IN JAIL. TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE, NEITHER OF MAX-ERNEST’S PARENTS WERE EVER CRIMINALS. AS FOR MAX-ERNEST HIMSELF, I CAN’T ANSWER FOR HIS FUTURE ACTIONS, BUT SO FAR, HIS RECORD IS CLEAN! (back to text)

  * PERSONALLY, I THINK THE PROBLEM WAS THAT HE WAS USING A BULKY BANDANNA INSTEAD OF A PROPER MAGICIAN’S SCARF. IF YOU’D LIKE TO MAKE YOUR OWN MAGIC CONE, YOU CAN FIND INSTRUCTIONS IN THE APPENDIX. AND PLEASE TRY IT WITH A “SILK,” AS MAGICIANS CALL THEIR SCARVES, NOT A BANDANNA. (back to text)

  * IF THE TIME PERIOD NOTED BY THE AUTHOR OF THIS STORY IS CORRECT, THEN THE MONARCH MENTIONED HERE WOULD BE HENRY VIII OF EN-GLAND — A KING FAMOUS FOR, AMONG OTHER THINGS, HAVING SIX WIVES, TWO OF WHOM HE BEHEADED. (back to text)

  * GRANDPA WAYNE HAD AN OLD PICKUP TRUCK THAT WAS HIS PRIDE AND JOY BUT THAT WAS ALWAYS IN A STATE OF HALF-REPAINTED SEMI-DISREPAIR. CASS’S MOTHER, WHO CONSIDERED THE TRUCK AN “ACCIDENT WAITING TO HAPPEN,” STRICTLY FORBADE CASS FROM RIDING IN THE FLATBED IN THE BACK — WHICH, ACCORDING TO CASS’S MOTHER, WAS NOT ONLY DANGEROUS BUT ILLEGAL. I HATE TO GIVE CASS AWAY, BUT THINK ABOUT IT — IT WOULD HAVE BEEN HARD TO FIT THREE KIDS IN FRONT WITH TWO ADULTS, EVEN ON A BENCH SEAT. (back to text)

  * I WILL EXPLAIN THIS PHENOMENON IN THE APPENDIX FOR THE SCIENTIFICALLY CURIOUS (OR FOR ANYONE WHO HAS FINISHED THE BOOK AND DOESN’T HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO THINK ABOUT). (back to text)

  * MEANWHILE? DID I REALLY JUST WRITE MEANWHILE? MEANWHILE IS TO WRITING WHAT UM IS TO SPEAKING. A SPACE-FILLER. A SIGN THAT SOMEONE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY OR HOW TO SAY IT. MEANWHILE BELONGS WITH PHRASES LIKE ON THE OTHER HAND — PHRASES THAT A GOOD WRITER SHOULD NEVER USE. ON THE OTHER HAND, THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT MEANWHILE THAT I RATHER LIKE — ESPECIALLY WHEN IT’S FOLLOWED BY AN ELLIPSIS, LIKE THIS: MEANWHILE . . . CAN YOU HEAR THAT SENSE OF MENACE? THAT SENSE OF, UH-OH, JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO GO BACK IN THE WATER . . . (back to text)

  * IT INVOLVED SHUFFLING VERY SLOPPILY, ONLY TO REVEAL THE CARDS NEATLY ARRANGED AT THE END. NORMALLY, A FUN TRICK. (PERHAPS I’LL TEACH IT TO YOU SOMEDAY.) BUT TO BE HONEST, IT FELL A LITTLE FLAT THIS TIME. (back to text)

  * AS FAR AS I KNOW, MAX-ERNEST NEVER ACTUALLY HAD AGORAPHOBIA (WHICH IS USUALLY DEFINED AS A FEAR OF CROWDS AND OPEN SPACES). BUT OVER THE YEARS MAX-ERNEST HAD BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH SO MANY CONDITIONS THAT HIS PARENTS WERE IN THE HABIT OF ASSUMING HE HAD EACH AND EVERY CONDITION THERE WAS. (back to text)

  * I KNOW — YOU’RE FRUSTRATED. ALL THOSE NOBLE TERCES MEMBERS MAY WAX PHILOSOPHICAL, BUT YOU WERE HOPING TO LEARN SOMETHING MORE ABOUT THE SECRET. IF IT’S ANY CONSOLATION, THINK ABOUT IT THIS WAY: WOULD YOU RATHER KNOW THE SECRET OR SAVE THE WORLD? IN A SENSE, THAT WAS THE CHOICE OUR THREE FRIENDS FACED — AND THE HOMUNCULUS HIMSELF FACED — WHEN THEY DECIDED TO BURY LORD PHARAOH’S COFFIN.

  OF COURSE, I MYSELF MIGHT HAVE CHOSEN THE SECRET. BUT THAT IS WHY I’M A WRITER AND NOT A HERO. (back to text)