The Way Back to Us

by Jamie Howard

  She waited until I was looking at her. “When the time comes, I promise you I won’t leave without saying goodbye.”

  “But what if—”

  “No matter what happens.”

  Relief flooded through me, rushing so fast that my head felt a little light. Behind it came a healthy dose of fear, equally potent. “Dani, I don’t want you putting yourself in danger. Not just to say goodbye.”

  She pursed her lips. “Don’t concern yourself with the logistics of it.”

  “How can you even say that? Days ago you were telling me you were knocking on death’s door because of what went down in Syracuse—”

  “Syracuse was my fault, not yours.”

  I gritted my teeth together. “I’m not really concerned with whose fault it is. The only thing I actually care about is that you’re alive and safe.” I sucked in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Even if that means you’re not with me.”

  “And all I want is for you to be happy.” Her knuckles went white where they gripped the counter. “Even if that means it’s not with me.”

  The thought of being happy without Dani was laughable. Content, sure. I could find a woman to settle down with if I really tried. But she’d never be Dani. It’d only be a shadow of the love I’d felt, and somehow that didn’t feel fair to that imaginary woman. The thought of being a perpetual bachelor wasn’t at all unappealing. Cool Uncle Gavin. Because even though I’d tell Dani otherwise, there’d always be a part of me that was constantly looking to the horizon, waiting for her to come back to me.

  “Well, I promise you that this—” I gestured to my current disheveled state. “—is just a momentary lapse. A few days’ worth of wallowing because I thought I lost you, and then I was planning on putting it behind me and moving forward.”

  “Good,” she said, but her words lacked the conviction to back them. She laced her fingers together, wringing them.

  The sight of it was like a trigger. “The other night, that nightmare . . .” I knew what I wanted to ask, but for the life of me couldn’t find the words I wanted to use.

  She winced. “Maybe we can work up to that one.” The plastic bag rustled as the pulled back the corner of it. “I brought stuff for breakfast, if you’re up to eating?”

  Right, food. That explained the gnawing in my stomach. I wrinkled my nose. “Maybe no eggs though.”

  “Carbs, plenty of carbs.”

  “Yes, please.” I caught another whiff of myself and nearly stopped breathing. “I need to shower.”

  “Yeah, you do.” Her lips curved in a smile. “Go, I can take care of this.”

  She reached for the bag and started pulling things out. She’d definitely come prepared. If I showered quick, breakfast would be nice and hot by the time I was done. I’d thank her later for the meal.

  I’d only made it to the doorway of my bedroom when Dani called me back. “Gav, uh, there’s a note here for you.” She wiggled the paper in the air. “It was on the refrigerator.”

  I squinted at the nearly illegible handwriting.

  Fucker,

  I took your dog out this morning. You’re welcome.

  —F

  I glanced up sharply, looking for Elvis. Seriously, I was the worst dog owner ever. I really needed to remedy that. It took me a second to find him and when I did, well, clearly Elvis was quite displeased with me. If the reproach in his stare didn’t freeze me solid, the mangled shoe between his paws was as clear as him saying, Fuck you, Gavin. Fuck you very much.

  “Sorry, man.” I set the note back on the counter. “How about I get you a steak later to make it up to you?”

  Elvis stared back at me, unblinking.

  “Filet mignon? Only the good stuff, of course.”

  His ears lifted, head tilting slightly to the side. I’d take that as a yes.

  “Quick shower,” I said to Dani. “I’ll be right back.”

  “Mhmm.” Her eyes danced with amusement, her cheeks tight from holding back her laughter.

  I made record time getting cleaned up—showered, shaved, and teeth brushed in under fifteen minutes. When I strolled back into the kitchen I was minty fresh, as clean as a baby’s bottom, and ultimately comfortable in a pair of sweats and a white T-shirt.

  The smells coming from the kitchen were, in a word, orgasmic.

  I plopped onto a stool, my mouth watering, stomach growling. Dani pushed a plate toward me—pancakes, hash browns, crispy bacon. I sniffed, catching a hint of something else in the air.

  “It’s pie,” she said with a laugh. “An I’m sorry cherry pie.”

  I moaned. “That’s my favorite kind.”

  “I know.”

  Like my shower, I made record time with my breakfast. Two whole platefuls made its way into my stomach. And when I was done with that, we ate cherry pie fresh out of the oven. In a word, the morning was heaven.

  After breakfast we retired to the couch, so full we could barely move. Possibly that was just me. We turned on the TV, but I’m not sure either of us were really watching it. I was more focused on the feel of Dani in my arms, her head on my chest, hand resting light against my stomach and drawing little patterns on my T-shirt.

  I knew our happy cocoon was temporary, the conversation looming over the both of us threatening to disrupt the peace. But for that handful of moments, there wasn’t anything else but us—our heartbeats synchronized, no past, no future.

  She twisted the hem of my T-shirt between her fingers. “I used to have that nightmare a lot. Some nights I barely slept at all.”

  I held her a little closer to me. “But it stopped?”

  “After a while.” She hesitated, hands going still. “After I forced myself to stop thinking about her.”

  I tried to breathe carefully, worried that even the slightest movement might put an end to the answers I was getting. “Who was she?”

  A sheen of tears appeared in her eyes. “The funny part is, that’s one of the only memories I have of her. Maybe I had more at one point, but I lost them when I couldn’t think about her anymore.” She shuddered as she sucked in a breath and exhaled. “The woman in my nightmare, the woman I had to force myself to forget is my mom.”

  She’s dead. The echo of her words circled through my head, making the hair stand up on my arms. “She died.”

  “No, she didn’t just die, Gavin.” She pushed away from me, sitting cross-legged on the cushion next to me. “She was murdered. I was there. I heard it. I saw her . . .” Her hands fisted, eyes squeezing shut.

  I grappled with the information she was giving me. Trying desperately to put the whole picture together. “Is this why you’re always running? Does this have something to do with it?”

  Her throat worked as she swallowed, and slowly she forced her fingers to uncurl. She rested her hands gently on her knees. “I can’t talk about that.”

  “But—”

  “I’ve already said too much. I shouldn’t have even told you that, but I thought you deserved some answers after what happened.” She shook her head. “It’s not safe for you to know. Do you get that? I’m not keeping secrets because I don’t want you to know. I’d give anything to just tell you everything. If you could fix it all, make it better, I would let you in a heartbeat.”

  “Maybe I can.” I rested my fingers under her chin, pressing until she tilted her face up to look at me. “Maybe you’re just too close to the situation to see an answer that would be as plain as day to me.”

  I expected her to refuse me flat out, but instead . . . she hesitated.

  My pulse tripped. I stopped breathing. This was it. She was going to tell me everything, give me the chance to fix this for her. I didn’t move, not a muscle, trying not to startle her and ruin this breakthrough.

  A second passed. Another.

  Dani closed her eyes and opened her mouth and—

  Bang, bang, bang.

  Dani flinched and I cursed under my breath, ready to beat the ever-loving shit out of whoever was trying to break
down my door. “Dani—”

  “You should get the door.” She shook her head, like she was trying to shake the sense back into herself.

  The moment was gone.

  Bang, bang, bang.

  “In a minute!” My strides ate up the apartment and I threw the door open. Of course. Ben, fucking Ben.

  He glared at me. “You’re late.”

  “I’m busy.”

  His gaze darted around me, widened a bit when it landed on Dani. “Congratulations. The guys are all at the studio. Where you’re supposed to be.”

  Right, the studio. We’d talked about it last night. I think. Everything after the drive home was a bit fuzzy. “You could’ve just called.”

  “I did,” he countered. “Three times.”

  Well, fuck me. “Give me a minute. I’ll meet you there.” I slammed the door in his face, not waiting for his reply. After what he just interrupted he was lucky that’s all I did. When I turned back around, Dani was hovering behind the couch, hands shoved deep in her pockets. “I guess you heard that?”

  “Yup.”

  “So, I’ve gotta go take care of that. I should only be a few hours, though. You want me to give you a ride home and then if you want we can pick this up again a little bit later?”

  “Actually.” She quirked her head to the side. “Would you mind if I just hung out here until you got back?”

  My mouth hung open a bit. I shut it. “Of course. Stay as long as you want.” I gestured around us. “Mi casa, su casa.” The distance between us disappeared as I stepped closer to her. She tilted her head back to hold eye contact. “So, you’ll still be here when I get back?” I rested my hands lightly on her arms.

  “I’ll still be here.” Her arms wrapped around my waist.

  If she said it, she meant it. Dani never said anything she didn’t mean wholeheartedly. “Good.” I brushed my nose against hers, and she rocked up onto her tiptoes so she could kiss me.

  As her lips played over mine, fingernails digging into my back through my T-shirt, the taste of cherries on her tongue, the room around us slipped away. My hands crept up her neck, fingers slipping into her soft hair. A groan vibrated from her lips to mine and I took a step forward, then another, urging her toward the couch. I was already late, what was a few more minutes?

  “Gav?” She pulled away so I had to drop my mouth to her throat. I didn’t mind. My teeth pricked the delicate skin and she gasped. “Don’t you have to go?”

  “He can wait.” My hands crept underneath her shirt. Fuck, she felt so good. My sweatpants were doing absolutely nothing to disguise how hot I was for her.

  “Gav—”

  Bang, bang, bang.

  I dropped my head back. “I am going to fucking kill him.”

  Her forehead hit my chest.

  “Are you laughing?”

  She shook her head, her whole body quivering with suppressed laughter.

  “I hate you both.” I took a step back and folded my hands behind my head. For Christ’s sake. “Grandma, car accidents, turtles,” I whispered under my breath. Even I had some limits, and walking around with a stiffy in front of the guys was definitely not one.

  “Did you just say, ‘turtles’? What’s wrong with turtles?”

  I narrowed my eyes at Dani. “They’re very unsexy creatures.”

  “Gavin!” Bang, bang, bang.

  I pointed a finger at Dani. “We’re finishing this later.”

  She lifted an eyebrow, her eyes gleaming. “Count on it.”

  Chapter 24: Dani

  I counted down the minutes until my shift at The Blackbird was supposed to end. There were fourteen left to go. Fourteen long, unending minutes. Staring at the clock, I swore time was ticking backwards.

  I’d taken the early shift and actually passed when offered the opportunity of a double. I was more than happy only taking a handful of hours—restocking the bar, getting everything set up for the afternoon and night crowd. Normally I would have jumped at the chance for a bit of extra cash, but compared with the chance to spend more time with Gavin?

  Gavin would win every single time.

  Things might be tight for a while. If I had to pack up and leave now I’d have to lean on dad for some money. Possibly borrow a little something from Gavin in the worst case scenario. But in the end, time with Gavin was worth more than my pride.

  As much as I tried to deny it, I knew our time together was running out. Maybe not immediately, but it was rare we spent more than six months in one place. True, we’d only been here a little over one, but with the complications that’d already cropped up, six months seemed like a dream. More likely it’d end up being two, possibly three at most.

  It wasn’t enough.

  The little hand hit noon and my purse was already on my shoulder, my feet moving toward the exit. A man held the door open for me, and I breezed past him to the sidewalk, turning right outside the door, in the opposite direction of Gavin’s place. As much as I wanted to head straight there, I knew the smart choice was to wind my way there, make sure I wasn’t leading anyone directly to his door.

  While he’d been at the studio yesterday, I’d taken a quick trip to my apartment and grabbed my duffel bag. It was my go bag—always packed, always ready. Everything important that I owned was inside of it so that I could take off at a moment’s notice. Now, it resided at Gavin’s. If he let me, I planned to spend whatever time I could there. There’d be plenty of lonely, shitty apartments in my future.

  I finished circling the block, gave a quick check that I wasn’t being followed, and slipped inside Gavin’s building. I waited impatiently for the elevator and rode it up to his floor. The door was unlocked, but the place was pitch black when I opened it. Odd given the time of day. It was like someone had walked around the entire place and purposefully closed all the blinds.

  Unease skirted down my spine. “Gav? Are you home?” My hand slipped into my purse, fingers curling around my gun. With my other hand I reached for the light, and flipped it on with one finger.

  “Surprise!” Gavin shouted.

  I flinched, and immediately shoved the gun back deeper in my purse. I blinked around the room in confusion. A swath of balloons clustered together in the dining room. There was a big bouquet of flowers, a handful of takeout containers spread across the dining room table, and . . . presents?

  Gavin rolled his eyes at me. “You didn’t think I forgot, did you?”

  He hadn’t forgotten, but clearly I had.

  The smile on his face drooped. “Tell me you don’t even know what today is.”

  I frantically ran through a mental list. Not Valentine’s Day. Not our old anniversary—that was sometime in the fall. Not the first time we had sex—also in the fall. I was at a complete loss.

  “How the hell do you forget your own birthday?”

  It was definitely not my birthday. But . . . oh. Well, shit. Today might have been the birthday of that other Dani, the one he’d met in college. I honestly couldn’t remember.

  “Wow.” I set my purse down on one of the dining room chairs. “This is amazing. And so thoughtful. I can’t believe you remembered.”

  He studied me for a second. “You don’t like the surprise, do you? Man, I almost had everyone here, threw you a little party, but I figured that might be a little much. I promise, it’s just some good food, and a little something I got for you. It’s not a big deal.”

  “It’s not that.” I sawed on my lower lip. Lying wasn’t in the cards anymore, not when it came to Gavin. But I had a feeling telling him the truth might hit a sore spot. Especially after my epic lapse in judgment yesterday when I almost spilled everything. I blew out a breath. “Today isn’t really my birthday.”

  “What?” He screwed up his face. “But I saw your ID in college. Remember, we were at that bar and I made that comment about how smart it was that you used your actual birthday on your fake ID and just changed the year. And you laughed, and said something about how you were smarter than you looked mos
t of the time.” He sat down. “Today was the date on your ID.”

  I pulled out the chair across from him and sat down. I’d assumed, incorrectly it seemed, he’d have put together these pieces. With the running and the way my life was it just seemed obvious. “All of it was fake, not just the year. You caught me in the lie and I couldn’t figure out how to work my way out of it.”

  His gaze turned distant. “I mean I know the last name was different than the one you have now, but I just assumed it was because it was a fake ID so you could get in the bar. God, I must sound so stupid.” His fingers raked through his hair and then he was looking at me again. “Was all of it fake?”

  I knew the question was coming, but it still made me cringe. This was beyond dangerous territory. “I can’t.” I reached for his hands, but he pulled them back.

  “You can’t tell me?” He stood, one hand drifting behind him to squeeze the back of his neck. “Is Dani even really your name?”

  And there it was.

  “Gavin, I told you—”

  “Yeah, right, there are things you can’t tell me.” Frustration rolled off him in waves as he paced in front of me. “I just didn’t expect your name would be one of them.” He huffed out a laugh. “Then again, I don’t really know your birthday. I don’t have your phone number or know where you live. I don’t know why you just disappear or what you’re running from. When it comes down to it, I’m not really sure I know anything at all.”

  I grabbed his hand and squeezed it with both of mine. “You know me. The person I am. My name, the day I was born? Those are just inconsequential details.”

  “Well, if they’re so inconsequential then why can’t you just tell me?”

  “We’ve already been through this.” My name, my birthday, those were all things that, ultimately, he could use to find more information about me. And I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that when I left he’d start looking. I had to make sure he couldn’t find me and get wrapped up in this mess.

  “What could possibly be the harm in me knowing where you live?” Creases formed at the corner of his eyes as they narrowed. “Unless you don’t live there alone?”