Island Rush
Page 63
Chapter 66
My mother’s death was not fair. Many people killed didn’t die from fairness playing a part. It was terrible going to my mother’s funeral and seeing her life gone. A hollow shell, pale body, and sewed smile was what was left. She was held together by unseen strings. All that make-up on her body made her look more dead than alive. I didn’t want to go to her funeral, but I couldn’t be selfish. We all want to remember the dead from when they lived. And for some people, that means not going to a funeral to taint images of a happy past. To have that corpse locked into your mind can cloud some memories. I will never forget my mother’s dead body but the memories are still there.
It wasn’t fair, but I wasn’t selfish. I went to that funeral out of respect despite the shadow it brought. Despite the need to keep my mom alive through happiness and memories. It wasn’t fair.
This… this wasn’t anything like my mother’s death. This was more than just ‘unfair.’ This was suffering and torture. When my mom died, I wasn’t prepared and didn’t see it coming. I didn’t know she was dead until we saw the body. But with Casey… we knew he was dying. More than that, we know the specific amount of time we have left. That was what hurt. It would be easier if he just died out of the blue, with no knowledge of it before it happens. We knew, and that was what killed me. To know we had hours left made our thoughts overwhelming. My mind was worn, tired, and panicked.
There were not many times in my life that I experienced a feeling that caught me off guard like this. I’m talking about an emotion that was unrecognizable. A feeling that sent me into shock because no such feeling existed before. A new emotion, a new sensation that put the hairs on my arms on end. An emotion that was filled with so many other emotions like malice, sadness, disbelief, and anger. So many more emotions and yet, all only one.
It burned me, scared me that I couldn’t stop this. I kept giving him those meds and the ointment but at this point, it was too late. All we could do now was wait, and I did not at all like that answer to this. Wait for his heart to slow to a stop, for his lively eyes to fade. We were waiting for his hand grasping mine to go slack, words to never leave him again. Waiting for his life to end and waiting for mine to lose him.
I stared at him. The tears wouldn’t come yet. I didn’t feel the now usual lump form in my throat or the twist of my chest fill with hurt. That wasn’t there. When he said that, I felt my stomach turn and felt as if I was going to throw up myself. Felt the uneasiness of my body, my stomach twisting and turning with a feeling rising.
My first reaction, the first response was instant. “A-Are... are you sure? I mean, maybe you’re still just tired. We…” I swallowed hard, still thinking I was going to get sick. “You can’t be sure, right?”
He looked down, biting his lip. “It’s today or maybe early tomorrow.”
“But—”
“Look at me.”
Breath hard, I moved off him to get a better view of all of him again. Like I observed before, he looked so much older, so much weaker, pale, and tired. Now looking at him closer, I felt my stomach twist more. He was shaking. I saw he lost weight - more weight in just the past few days when he was sick. He also looked older for another reason. The skin on his face seemed thinner, and there were small wrinkles forming by his eyes. Sweat was lightly covering him yet there was no sign of blush, no color in his face.
Tears started forming in my eyes. How could I find the person that could make me happy be taken away so suddenly? What about our plans? Our future?
Seeing the pain and sorrow in my eyes, he cupped my face and said, reassuringly. “I am happy! Janice,” he sighed. “I can’t tell you how happy I am! I am happy to just have met you, to have you and love you as you do me. I know how much you love me, how much I love you. I know how we both changed each other’s lives. I know that and yeah, it hurts to know I’m leaving that behind. It hurts so badly! But the point is, I have it to lose in the first place. I’m happy. Of everything, believe that. I am so happy. I have everything I wanted.
“Not everything. Try the rest of your life. Kids, grandkids, years and years ahead of us being together!” I cried.
He cringed. “I understand I will lose many things… things I want… want badly. But as of now, as of this time now, today, I couldn’t ask for more. Why don’t we save the goodbyes for later and spend the whole day with what really counts — you and me together. Please.”
It made sense. One day left for sure. We shouldn’t waste it crying and saying goodbye when we already know how much we love each other. It was going to be one of the hardest things I would ever do, but I would make it a good day with him, like every other before this. I know if we spend it smiling and together, I wouldn’t regret it.
I nodded. “Okay.” I wiped the tears away. Smiling slightly and stopping my other tears, I asked in a stronger voice, “What do you want to do today?”
Casey gave me a small and sad smile. “Dance with me,” he whispered. “I want to dance with you, one more time.”
I bit my quivering lips and dipped my eyebrows in confusion. “You’re weak and tired. We don’t need to if —”
“I’ll be fine. Remember when you’re with me, I somehow feel better. Well… tonight is probably still the night, but I know I can handle this.”
“Are you sure?”
He sat up with a small grunt, breathe hard as he nodded. “Definitely.”
I got to my feet in the next second, looking up at the sun as it lowered more. An hour? Less? The night was closing in, and I felt my stomach and chest squeeze. Looking back down at him, I held my hand out to where he was sitting in the grass. I helped him to his feet with a grunt and saw he stumbled a little but not too bad.
“Are you okay?” I asked when he was standing straight.
He nodded, looking down to me. “I’m fine.”
He took my hand in his and paused, looking down for a moment at my hand, seeing it was shaking. My hands were shaking and so was my breath. He sighed, not saying anything because there was no point. We both knew that we couldn’t calm down.
Pulling me away from the edge of the bank, we stood under the tree, the soft grass surrounding us. He turned me to him, moving closer and pressing his chest into mine. Looking up at him, I wrapped my arms around him, my cool skin warming his hot neck. His hands wrapped around my back, one resting on my side and the other on my lower back.
I leaned in, resting my cheek on his chest as I felt him guide me softly. He took very small steps, starting to move in a circle slowly. We really didn’t care. What we really wanted was just this experience.
His feet shuffling back a small movement, mine followed in the slow motion he was moving. He led me circling around slowly, the side of his head resting on the top of mine. I felt his hand come up and clasp mine tightly, holding it properly as his other hand stroked the tips of my hair with his fingers on my back.
“What about your dream home?” he asked me, smiling. We started to ask questions again. Even in the short time we got, we still wanted to get to know each other well. The questions was our music as we danced.
We had begun our easy chatter like we always did. It was really comforting, making me smile despite the always present lump in the back of my throat. I tried my hardest to not worry about the time, just let the day go by naturally, but that was the one thing that couldn’t leave my mind. I glanced up at the sun a few times in the past hour since we started and though it bothered me, we were still having a good day. No matter how hard I wanted to cry, we were having a good day.
Thinking about his question, I said, “Well, obviously, a house that comes with a maid to keep up with the chores.”
“Obviously,” he nodded.
“Um… it would be huge with a whole wall of windows out in the country, out of the way. Twenty guest rooms and a big master bedroom for you and me. We would have a huge room, marble floors, and a balcony--”
“Wait, how high up is our bedroom?” he asked, playing serious.
“Whoa. I didn’t know there was such a thing.”
“We have a big ass bed too,” I added.
He chuckled. “We make love every single night. We need a strong bed for that.”
“Whoa. Every night?”
“Well yeah! With a proper bed to break, it is more fun.”
“Oh god,” I chuckled. “You know, for every night doing the same, the bed might get old and too boring.”
“We would do it other places if you get tired of the bed. Whether or not the bed gets old, the man in it changes his moves.” He winked up at me, and I laughed.
“What about you and your dream home?” I asked.
With a smirk, he gave me an answer. “I want a house that has six stories, twenty-one guest bedrooms, two walls of windows, and about a million cheap crappy beds. That way, every night, we could break one then haul in the next one. It would make us feel badass.”
I chuckled at his words, remembering what I said before. It was like my dream house, just one more of everything. “That is not fair.”
“I don’t care. Plus, what are you whining about? You would be living there with me.”
“I’m sorry, but you would be living in my house. Much better than yours.”
He rolled his eyes, smiling at me. He was happy just laying here with me. And though it killed me in many ways, I enjoyed it as well.
We laughed, joked, and talked that day. But every once in a while, my eyes would wander up and to the sky, becoming more panicked as time passed. We didn’t have enough time. We never would have enough time.
“I’m so sorry,” he said under his breath, so softly I don’t think he meant for me to hear it.
Closing my eyes tightly, I held the tears in and the lump in my throat. I felt myself on instinct grip him tighter to me, my cheek brushing against his warm beating chest. “Don’t be sorry. I want you to leave here knowing there was nothing that could have been done.”
As we moved, I felt his arm on my back slide up to the back of my neck as we slowly danced in soft circles. He slowed and stopped for a moment, tilting my head up to look at him. Eyes beautiful despite the red tint, he searched my face. Then, he lowered his head and pressed his forehead against mine. “I know that. What I meant was, I’m sorry for leaving you so soon. Before we could start our lives together or anything. I’m sorry we had so little time.”
Chapter 67
My strong hold on keeping it all together was crumbling. I was shaking as he took me in his arms, spinning me slowly around as we danced. I held him tightly to me, arms folded around his back. I felt that if I let him go, it might be my last time with him.
Dancing with him was nice… really sweet and beautiful and sad. I rested my head in the crook of his neck as he was bent down, resting his head on my shoulder. His body was turning tense as we gently moved, showing me anxious he was as well.
Along my cheeks and falling down his neck, my tears were slowly moving as I silently and somewhat calmly let them fall. His hand on the back of my head, he stroked my hair back as he held my lower back with his other hand, guiding me forward and back in little circles. His breath uneven on my neck, he broke the comfortable yet sad silence.
“So, do I still have it?”
“What?” I asked.
“My charm, of course. Am I still the sexiest dancer you ever laid your eyes on?”
I chuckled. “Did I ever say that you were?”
“I don’t know. I’m sure you were thinking it, though.”
Smiling through my tears, I chuckled. “Yes, you are. Even if you wear tights, you would still be the sexiest thing my eyes had ever seen. You can never lose your charm.”
He spun me slowly around with him, holding me close, his presence all that counted at the moment. We danced, gently moving over the long strands of green blades, his body heating up I noticed. He didn’t seem too concerned over that. We swayed under the blanket of leaves hanging down around us, moving silently. We stayed like that for a while before he broke the comfortable silence again.
“Janice?”
“Hmm?”
He took a moment before answering, trying to work out how he was going to explain something to me. Moving his foot back and therefore leading mine with him, he answered, breath tickling my ear.
“Remember what I said about you being strong after I’m gone? That I need you to stay strong and not… give up?” Give up, of course, meaning kill myself. I knew he was still worried about that, even after I promised him that I wouldn’t.
“Yeah,” I sighed.
Taking a deep, shaky breath, arms tightening, he said something I wasn’t expecting. In fact, it was the exact opposite of what I thought he was going to say.
“Forget about what I said. I shouldn’t have made you promise anything.”
Out of everything that had happened, everything - him being bitten and dying - I was his main concern. He worried about what was going to happen to me after he is gone because not only would I then be alone. I would be alone and go insane. He was so worried that he got physically sick when I said I was going to kill myself before going insane. So he made me promise him not to do it. But now… he was telling me I could do if I wanted?
When I didn’t answer, he spoke softly. His voice was breaking, cracking my heart in the process because I knew how much this hurt him. “I want you to do what you want, not what I want. Of course, killing yourself is something,” he paused, getting himself together at the thought. “Killing yourself is something I don’t want, but I understand why you want to do it. I wouldn’t exactly be against it since it would save you from suffering. And though the thought of you dying rips my being apart, I see why that’s better than rotting away mentally on an island alone. I hurt either way. That’s only because I love you so much. So… I want you to choose.”
Another tear crawled down my cheek at the fact that he would hurt no matter what I do. If I go insane, I’m suffering and will lose myself. If I kill myself… well, just that simple thought hurt him.
Closing my eyes tightly, I moved my arm up him and rested it around his neck, clasping the back of it and rubbing his soft hair between my fingers. Taking a deep breath, breathing in the sweet scent of his skin, I trembled. I knew what I probably would do then. Killing myself would put me in control of how my life will end and that way, I won’t lose myself if I go on. Plus, along with that, I would die knowing Casey and my mom would be there waiting for me. That would not be my main reason for why I was thinking about doing this, but it would make that decision a little less painful.
He led me backward, slowly turning into a new circle. He didn’t say anymore. Dancing, I smiled sadly as I held him to me, turning my cheek so it rested against his shoulder, my head comfortably lay in the crook of his neck.
“Thank you,” I said softly, truly meaning that. It took him a lot to say that, to tell me he wanted me to do whatever I wanted.
My eyes couldn’t help but tilt up, needing to see the sky through the cover of draping leaves. It was nearing dusk, and I knew – knew with certainty – I was going to lose it. I was going to hold out for as long as I could without uncontrollably sobbing.
I nearly ended up crying right then when he said his next words. “Janice? We…” He paused, taking a deep breath, breaking his words and unhealthy heartbeat between us. “Let’s sit down.”
Oh no. No, no, no, no! Not yet! I felt myself freeze against him, knees stopping with my feet, the hair on my arms going on end. I nodded into his shoulder, not letting him see my broken heart through my face.
I felt his arms loosen around me, and he began guiding me back to our spot a few feet away on the bank. We took the few steps through the grass and began to sit down. But before we did, my stomach twisted.
Hard. I hurt at a realization that this was it. This would be the place where Casey will probably die.
I saw he knew this, realized it too when he laid back, resting on his back in the grass again. Sitting down next to him, I looked at him as he grabbed my hand, holding it tight. Looking into his eyes, I saw a terrified look, one of a little boy lost some place. He smiled once meeting my eyes, trying hard to keep strong, but it was so obvious. He began to shake, his body tense.
I bit my lip, closing my eyes for a second. I needed to stay strong. Needed to for him. I knew we still had a little bit. We had time, but it hurt knowing that time was closing in. Gripping his hand back, I smiled slightly. “I’m here,” I said, voice breaking. “Don’t try to be strong for me. You don’t need to smile.”
At those words it dropped, and his eyes melted in mine, face scared and loving. “I’m okay,” he said, to himself mostly it seemed.
“It’s okay to be scared,” I said softly.
He cut in. “I’m not scared of dying. I’m just not ready to leave you.”
“You are not leaving me, remember? You will always be with me. We will be together again.” I wanted to add that we may be together sooner than he thought.
He nodded, looking up at me. I knew he accepted that we would be together again, that this wasn’t either of our faults really. He knew everything would be okay in the end. That doesn’t mean he is happy about dying in the first place. About losing so much.
He reached up with his other hand, brushing back a few strands of my hair that were stuck to my cheek from the tears I didn’t realize were slowly seeping out. “My time is almost up,” he whispered. “The last thing I want to see is you hiding how you feel. Don’t try to be strong for me,” he said, repeating my words from a few seconds ago.
I took a deep breath, slowly taking it in. I felt my chin start to quiver. I started letting how I was feeling take me over. Before I broke, before I cried out in agony over all of this, he took his arms around my back and pulled me down to him. He guided me down, my head resting against him as my hands slid around his neck. As I reached him, holding him, I let it out.