Island Rush

by Marien Dore

  The conversation returned to the most disturbing thing I learned so far about what happened. I still didn’t want to believe that Casey was the one who called when the phone dropped to the floor. I was slightly curious to know what he heard. He sure didn’t hear me once I passed out. It made me cringe more than I ever did before. I could hardly bear to think that he actually heard my brother raping me. “And you listened to it the whole time? All of it?”

  He nodded, hands tightening on my arms. “I could make two calls at once. When I called Brad, I was still connected to your phone. I-I just… I couldn’t stop listening. I wouldn’t let myself. I needed to hear that it was still happening because it meant you were still alive. One of… many things your brother said….” Casey paused, looking away. He took deep breaths, but it couldn’t hide the broken note in his voice as he continued. “One of the many things I heard your brother say was that he… he… he might… kill you once he’s… done. He said it in a much… filthier way,” he said, voice completely breaking. “So I needed to stay on.”

  I took a deep breath, not sure of what my thoughts were other than I thought he was stupid. I tried struggling again, tried pushing him back and hitting him out of anger and frustration, but he was strong. He was determined despite his broken expression.

  “Why?! Why did you do that to yourself? All it did was hurt you more to hear that! So stupid, Casey! You shouldn’t have called and shouldn’t have bothered!”

  “Jesus fucking Christ! Do you not see how much I care about you? Do you not understand that I love you? I love you! Bothered? Hell, I wanted to do more than bother! I wanted to save you and save us both from all that has happened! I understand! I know you lost hope, lost respect. I know you hate yourself because you couldn’t do anything! You felt so weak! As if you deserved it for being weak. You were used and abused like you were nothing and that’s what you started thinking of yourself. And what I heard… it broke my heart, Janice.” He sighed, trying to get it together as he looked away for a small moment before meeting my eyes again. “Hearing that… happen. Hearing him and not hearing anything from you! Knowing I couldn’t… couldn’t get there in time! Hearing him… hearing him rape the woman I love! I am so sorry, and I will never be able to forgive myself for not getting there fast enough! For not trying to stop you from leaving that hospital room with—”

  “You had to, though. You had to let me go otherwise we all might have died. You can’t blame yourself—”

  “Well, you are blaming yourself! Open your eyes!”

  I looked down, hating the tears forming around his eyes and hating how hurt he was. Voice breaking, I knew what I had to say. Forcing the words through my quivering lips, I spoke. “I… I’m so sorry that I caused you to hurt so much. I’m sorry that you heard my brother. I’m sorry because I know how much I love you, and you love me. But even though you can’t see this now, you will later on in life. Casey, you need to let me go. I need to suffer like I deserve, and you need to find a life that won’t involve me ruining it.”

  His face went blank for a small moment. I felt the lump in my throat come forward, right at the back of my lips, ready to escape. Watching his face, I hated myself more. I knew it was for the best. But, like I knew he would, he wouldn’t accept that.

  He shook his head, dazed in a way. His face broke as he cringed a little. “Please,” he said under his breath, head shaking. I felt his hands on my arms start to shake too. “Janice. We finally made it. We lived through so much. And yes, there is still a lot to face, but we got through most of it. Our love is worth trying. Please.”

  I felt my lips part in a cry, and I managed, somehow, to shake my head. I needed to stay strong, needed to do this for the both of us. I love you, love you so much. That’s why I need to do this. I love you. I kept hearing myself say that in my head and wanting to say with my lips. I knew I couldn’t.

  “I’m sorry. Hope needs to stay dead.” I moved my arms out and away from where he was grasping me. Moving back, his hands fell back from the grasp he held me in. I took shallow breaths, his eyes still buried in mine and begging. I looked down and away, knowing I wouldn’t be able to stay strong with him for much longer. I was going to start sobbing and break in half if I didn’t leave. I was going to tell him that I would try if I didn’t leave now. I was going to give in, and it felt like the right thing to do, but I know it wasn’t. I turned away slowly, moving back towards where the door was.

  Oh god, oh my god. Facing away from him now as I walked away, I felt my face break, and I bit my lip. I could feel his eyes burn into my back as I walked towards the door and away from where I knew he was watching me leave. Chin quivering, tears crawling down my face, I headed towards the door.

  He was strong, he could find someone else. Fall in love with another woman that wouldn’t ruin his life. One that could give him children, one that would make him just as happy. He could, I knew. It would just take some time. We both needed to get over each other.

  As I neared the large barn door, I heard something like quick footsteps, and before I knew it, I felt a hand grab my arm. That grip turned me roughly back around. Casey pulled me back and into him, my chest hitting his hard. I felt his lips smash down and into mine not a second later.

  He kissed me hard, arms winding around me. Both arms folded around me, holding me to him. My chest jumped hard, feeling so at home with his lips moving on mine with love and passion. Holding me hard to him, his warm and welcoming body made me feel so safe. I felt the strong points on why I needed to stay out his life fade as he kissed me. I couldn’t help it, couldn’t control myself when I did so back.

  I slid my hands up his chest, moving one hand around his neck and holding him to me as I cupped his other cheek. I was so confused at what to do, so unsure of everything but my actions seemed sure enough. I kissed him hard back, whimpering with how much I wanted him, how much I loved this man. Two months without him and it felt so good to be in his warm arms. I felt home.

  His arms moved down from my back, his mechanical hand caressing the back of my thigh as his other bandaged hand copied, moving down and grasping my other thigh. His mouth on mine was hungry, loving, and eager. A moan escaped him that vibrated against my lips. When his mouth quickly broke from mine, my cry released with a hard breath. That cry never fully came. Just the tears that seemed to always be there.

  “I love you,” he breathed quickly as his hands tightened, gripping my thigh closer and moving it up, wrapping it around his torso. He did the same with my other leg, holding me to him as I wrapped around him. I trusted him not to drop me, and he didn’t. In fact, he seemed so strong at that moment and in every way. His lips moved up, pushing onto mine again. His hands strong, holding me up, I groaned against his lips and kissed him hard. I felt my stubborn heart ache and burn, jump and pound.

  He moved forward a few feet until I felt him press my back into the side of the barn, his head tilted up as he kissed me. I felt my hand that was cupping his cheek move back so both arms were wrapped around his neck, holding him to me. As I tightened myself against him, I felt my control slipping. My hope was waking and though I tried forcing it down, I couldn’t. It was human nature, and I couldn’t keep myself from hoping. Hoping that I would realize I was stupid, hoping that he wouldn’t give up on me, and hoping he was stubborn enough to try to stay with me.

  When his lips broke away from mine, I was breathing hard. Looking down at him, his loving and begging eyes, I felt my hands move back and cup his cheeks. Pushing a strand of messy hair back and curling it around his ear, I tried telling him to let me down, that he needing to let me go, but I couldn’t.

  “Say you love me,” he said in a rush, lips close to mine as I stared down into his brown eyes. There was no point in trying not to say it.

  “I love you,” I whispered against his warm breath.

  His mouth came back up, and he kissed me again. Moaning, we felt the passion grow between us. I felt my hands move up and wrap in his strangely clean and soft ha
ir. Holding his lips to mine, I felt all my stubborn thoughts start to slip away even more. I kept telling myself I was nothing. I kept telling myself that I was weak, but I didn’t feel weak. I felt full of power. And if I was nothing, why did he care so much? Brad said to look at it from a different perspective. I guess I was starting too.

  If I were raped and had no control, it would mean I was not physically stronger than whoever was raping me. That didn’t mean I wasn’t mentally strong. I was forced, and I had to try to get that through my head, even though it was hard. I still felt as if I had to keep him away from me.

  I broke away from his lips, breathing hard. “We can’t be together. You’re too good for me. You deserve better.”

  He shook his head. “No, we belong together… and we are together. I won’t let you go.” He kissed me again, and I felt a hand leave my thigh since the barn was support enough for my back. He slipped his hand that had the white fabric tied around his knuckles up to my cheek, cupping it. Moving his hand back, he slid it through my hair and held me close to him.

  When we broke away, he looked firmly at me. “I can’t go on without you. I refuse too. You are the love of my life, sweetie. We can get through this together. Take how much time you need; I’m not rushing you. We can take it slow. But in the end, I need to be with you.” His breath was hard and he shook his head. “I can’t tell you how much I would give to have been there in time. I have so much hate over what happened to you. I hate the fact that I shot them. I wanted to do so much more to them. I wanted them to suffer and pay for what they did to you, especially your brother.”

  His hands moving back to my thighs, he slid me down from where he held me against the barn. My legs moving down and unwrapping from his torso, my feet hit the ground. I was now looking up into his eyes as he moved closer, pushing my back into the barn as he spoke.

  “Please. You are doing this to try to give me a better life. You think you deserve to suffer. But let me tell you something and make it very clear. I can’t live my life or have a good one without you. And for you to think you need to suffer… That’s the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard. You deserve to live a happy life. For some reason I don’t understand, shit keeps happening to you, and I hate it! I hate seeing you suffer so much. Hate knowing you deserve to have everything you ever dreamed of and seeing you get nothing for it. I’m so sorry. It seems like I’m never there in time, never there to help you—”

  “You are always there for me. Always. You never disappoint me. Sure, crap happens to me. But you try your hardest to do what you can for me… and you do. You helped me so much, made me see things could get better after my mom died. You made me love you, and that’s not something you just stumble upon.”

  He cupped my cheeks, moving his thumbs over them and wiping away my tears that were still coming. “Then let me help you now. Give me a chance. If I helped you before, I can now. I’m here and always will be for you. To help you get over this and get through this with you. I hate how much you have been through. I will do whatever it takes to make you happy again. I want to make you happy; that’s all I want.”

  “You already make me happy. You have done everything for me, and though it may take time, I know I would get over this with you helping me. But…” My breath turned shaky again as I remembered what my doctor told me. Fresh tears falling, I couldn’t help it now. My sob broke free from my lips, and I dropped my head into my hands, crying as I rested my whole body against the side of the barn. I felt my body slide down the side of it, moving towards the ground as I cried.

  When I reached the ground and was leaning against the barn, I was sobbing hard now. I knew this had to be a curse. I was considering what he said, and I think he was able to convince me to stay with him. A few things remained broken, though. I knew it would take a while for me to get over what happened. However, some damage is permanent. That is why he still deserved better than me.

  My knees against my chest, I wrapped my arms around them and sobbed, burying my forehead against my kneecaps. Crying hard, I heard shuffling, and I felt him move next to me. His side pressed against mine, and he was sitting next to me, back resting against the barn as well. I felt him take one of my hands that were wrapped around my legs, and he twined his fingers with mine.

  “Tell me. What is it?” he whispered, rubbing his thumb over my hand.

  I sat up, knowing I needed to tell him. He wouldn’t want me after this. He would see I was right and that he needed to move on without me for a better life. Straightening myself against the side of the barn, I tilted my head towards him, forcing my tears to stop. His legs outstretched before him, I watched his worried and sad face as he waited, watching me.

  “I know I would get over what happened if I stayed with you. Some things won’t fade, though. Some damage is permanent.”

  His eyes widened with realization, shock crawling over his face. He looked deeper into my eyes as if he needed to search for an answer there. “What is it?” he asked, voice so quiet that I barely heard. It was as if he was afraid to ask and I could tell he was. Even though he asked, I could tell he was quite sure of what I meant. He just couldn’t bring himself to say it.

  I squeezed his hand in mine. “I can’t reproduce. I can’t have children.”

  His face broke as he bit his lip, moving his gaze away from me for a small second, just looking out in front of him. He looked at nothing in particular as he stared to the other side of the barn. He clenched his teeth, tears forming around his eyes. I felt his bandaged hand shake in mine. His breath turned fast and hard, uneven. His mechanical hand moved up, running it through his hair as he closed his eyes tightly. Breathing harder, he slammed his head back in anger. It hit the wood of the barn but didn’t seem as if it hurt.

  Looking back up at me, eyes burning themselves in mine, he asked gently. “Are-Are you sure?”

  Pursing my lips, I looked away from his painful gaze as I nodded. Glancing back to this poor man, I said, “My doctor told me that if I tried hard enough, I might be able to. The chances aren’t great.”

  He took a deep breath, eyes closed and trying to stay calm and in control. A second later, he opened them, and a tear slowly fell. No matter what, it always seemed as if I was hurting him. He was silent for a long moment, processing it. I knew there was no point in trying to be together. We both wanted to have children, and since I can’t, there was no reason he had to suffer too.

  “It doesn’t matter,” he said softly.

  My eyes widened. “It doesn’t matter? Casey, you want kids. I can’t give that to you. The world just doesn’t want us to be together. Maybe we should start listening to it.”

  He shook his head with purpose, sighing. “Do you remember what I said before on the island?” I shook my head, waiting. “I told you, with absolute certainty, that I would always be with you, no matter what. No matter what. Got it? Janice, we have a lot of time to think. You are so young and don’t need to worry about that until you are older. Once we get through the reporters and avoid attention, once you are old enough, and once we don’t need to hide our relationship, then we will worry about it. When we are ready for that, we will try. I promise you, we will try as hard as we can when we are ready. And if it doesn’t work, we could always adopt.” He lifted my shaky hand, kissing it before he continued. “Okay? It will be okay.”

  I nodded. I understood that and loved that about him. He was willing to wait until I was ready… until I was old enough. But I still didn’t like the fact that we would have to try extra hard. He shouldn’t have to.

  “You could do better. You shouldn’t have to try harder with me. You also shouldn’t have to be reminded of why it will be harder. And you will be reminded every time you look at me.” At that thought, I dropped my head slightly and recalled my scars that covered me. I allowed my hair to fall forward slightly as cover. I could feel my scars, knew they were there and visible on my face. “I hate knowing you can see the reminder on my face. My face and my whole body. I feel… tainte
d and marked with what he did to me.”

  I felt him sit up, dropping my hand as he moved before me. I saw from the corner of my eye that he turned in front of where I was sitting against the barn. On his knees before me, his hand moved forward, and fingers brushed my cheek. He tilted my face up so I was forced to look at him.

  “I guess you forgot what else I said on the island about the scars on your back.” He looked hard at me, waiting for a response.

  I sighed, recalling his words. “I remember. You said that my scars were beautiful because they were marks of my past that showed I was strong enough to have them. A reminder of what I have been through and what I have experienced to become stronger.” I took a deep breath. “These are all over me though and deep.”

  “That doesn’t change anything. Like I said before, it proves you were strong enough to go through it.” He leaned forward, tilting my cheek up more. “You are just as beautiful as you were before. The most beautiful woman I have ever met. I look at you, and I see a bride every day. You are so beautiful. You have no idea how true that is.”

  I felt another tear fall. Him kneeling before me like he was… I mean… dear god, what a wonderful man. “Even if you are accepting and okay with me,” I said, voice cracking. “I can’t control how much pain I inflict on you. I mean, you heard… everything. I can’t imagine the pain it brought you.”

  His face broke at the thought, and he looked away, pursing his lips. “It killed me. Just like it killed you,” he said, a few tears crawling slowly down his face at just the memory. “But it killed me, it gave me pain because I love you. You have no blame in that I love you. My love for you was just natural, and that is that.” He swallowed, and his face somehow showed more pain. He paused before continuing on. “I… I promised you something. And I broke it. I told you that you would never have to worry about your father again or getting hurt like that. Because I would always be there for you. I told you that shit wouldn’t happen again. Not only did it happen again, but it was also worse. It was… god, baby it was pure hell for you,” his voice cracked. “I can’t get past the disgust I see in myself for letting that happen.”