The Accidental Diva

by Tia Williams

  “You love it.”

  “Bullshit.”

  He kissed her harder this time, sucking her tongue into his mouth. Her thighs turned liquid. She moaned, despite herself.

  Jay put his mouth to her ear, talking low. “What do you think you’re in it for? I know what you want. I made you want it.”

  “I don’t know what you’re—”

  “The ghetto shit,” he said, his mouth open on her neck. He sucked, then lightly bit the soft skin there, and she whimpered. “The uncivilized shit. Don’t pretend it don’t get you off.”

  He kissed her again until he knew he had her, until the last of her resistance melted away, then let go of her arms. He ran his hands over her body, shoving her T-shirt over her breasts and kneaded them, fingering her puckered nipples. Wanting him, Billie tried to unbutton his jeans, but he roughly pushed her back against the wall. He twisted his hand in her hair, holding her still. With his other hand, he tore down her underwear and inserted three fingers deep inside her. She gasped, arching her back.

  “Tell me it gets you off,” he whispered, gruffly, into her ear.

  Speechless, she just shook her head.

  Over and over, he moved his fingers completely out and plunged them back in. Again, he covered her mouth with his, locking her in a kiss so deep, so delicious, it felt like a tongue in her cunt. He had her where he wanted her—soaking wet, wide open, and desperate. Right now, Billie belonged to him.

  “Please,” Billie breathed, out of her mind.

  “Please what?”

  “S-stop. Don’t do this.”

  Jay yanked Billie’s hair even harder, and she groaned. Plunging his fingers in to the hilt, he pressed his thumb over her clit, gingerly stroking. Billie sobbed, on the brink.

  “Tell me you love it.”

  “N-no.”

  “Tell me.” He took his hand away.

  “Jay…”

  “Say you love it,” he murmured in her ear, “and I’ll let you come.”

  “I love it, I love it, love it,” she moaned deliriously, arching toward him.

  In an instant, Jay had picked Billie up so she was straddling him. He unhooked his jeans and sank his cock deep inside her, filling her up so completely she knew nothing else but him. Grasping her waist, he brought her up and down, fucking her with a controlled, steady rhythm. Jay felt all her muscles tighten as she came in a series of violent shudders, totally losing it, chanting his name like a prayer, coming as if she’d never stop. Only then, with Billie completely shattered in his arms, did Jay finally explode inside her.

  Afterward, they slid down the wall and landed on the floor in a tangle of sweaty limbs and half-on, half-off clothes. Too physically drained for words, they lay together, staring off into space, each lost in their own world.

  Jay was relieved. She’d been so furious, ready to leave him.

  Billie was stone-faced. She’d been so furious, ready to leave him, but he knew how to break her down. She had zero resistance to him. And she hated it. Okay, sometimes it was thrilling, but on the other hand, it was dangerous to be so vulnerable. What was she getting herself into? This man, in some capacity, was involved with another woman. Despite what she let Jay think, Billie believed it was platonic, but on many levels it was threatening, nonetheless. Beyond that, he hardly ever made himself available, but still had the power to make her beg? No. She didn’t like feeling this out of control. She didn’t like it one bit.

  Jay turned to Billie, who was curled into the crook of his arm. She looked like an angel, all messy and satiated. She looked back at him, memorizing his beautiful face. Closing her eyes, she squeezed him as hard as she could. Then she let go.

  “I’m moving to London,” she announced.

  Jay looked at her blankly.

  “For work. It was just offered to me, and I’m going.”

  “Wait, wait, wait. I ain’t got a say in this?”

  “No.” Billie untangled herself from him, pulling up her underwear and smoothing down her T-shirt. “Please don’t say anything. Don’t try to call or write, it’ll be easier this way.”

  Leaving him on the floor, she walked back to her bedroom and closed the door. She set the alarm for 7:30 A.M., crawled into bed, and pulled the covers over her head. An hour later, she heard her front door slam.

  11.

  the good witch

  For the next two days and nights Billie stayed up writing the hell out of her “Culture Club” article. She didn’t eat or sleep, just wrote. And she turned it in on Friday, meeting her deadline.

  It was good, and everybody knew it. Paige thought it deserved a bold-faced coverline, and the editorial director agreed. The article was FedEx-ed to the editor in chief of British Du Jour, who responded by sending Fannie an e-mail saying “Ms. Burke has the exact eye, sensibility, and tone we so desperately need to fill the position. What a clever girl! I’d like to issue a trade agreement with you ASAP.”

  Unfortunately, the e-mail wasn’t opened until a week later, because Fannie’s assistant was out with a urinary tract infection, and the temp wasn’t aware of her boss’s inability to operate e-mail. Or computers, in general. When a new message popped up, Fannie actually pressed the “open” icon on her screen, with her finger. Then, she tried pressing “new message” and “send,” but nothing happened. Frustrated with technology, she had the temp book her a ticket to Palm Beach, where she visited Lilly Pulitzer for five days.

  When Fannie and her assistant returned, Billie found out she was wanted in London. She was beside herself. She couldn’t believe she had this opportunity before her…and that she’d let it sit on the back burner for so long! Every day after work, she and Vida ran around buying things they felt would be absolutely essential for her trip: Lulu Guinness makeup bags, a travel flat iron, Liz Tilberis’s autobiography, lots of Burberry. At Barneys, Vida persuaded her to buy an obscenely overpriced Chloé handbag stamped with a Union Jack flag. She’d be broke the entire time she was in London, but the bag was fabulous. She even reread Bridget Jones’s Diary (which she vastly preferred to the scores of knockoff novels starring single girls who work in publishing). One night, she invited Renee, Moses, Vida, and her new boyfriend, James the FedEx Guy, over for a traditional English dinner: shepherd’s pie and baked beans. Everyone got diarrhea, but it was an interesting cultural moment. Billie was just happy that London had McDonald’s and Pizza Hut.

  And then she went to Kate’s Paperie in Soho and bought a journal. For the first time ever, Billie felt like her own life was worthy of documentation. She had a sneaking suspicion that she would soon be living the life of the divas she worshiped and whose biographies she’d always read—the ballsy ladies who did what they wanted to do, on their own terms, and in fuck-me heels, no less. She was going international! No inexperienced, insecure naïf was she! Billie had never felt so empowered.

  But the nights were brutal. If she kept herself busy during the day, she could forget. It was at night that she’d stare into space, clutching her stomach, wondering how she’d make it without him.

  * * *

  • • •

  Jay was wondering a very similar thing. He was at Renee’s Crawford & Collier office, reviewing some of her final edits. Much to her chagrin, he was having trouble concentrating. He was jittery and antsy and seriously preoccupied.

  “Okay, Jay, what is it? What? You’re not listening. Would you like some Ritalin?”

  “You got some?”

  “It’s Billie, isn’t it?”

  “Billie Jean is not my lover.”

  “And what are you gonna do about it?”

  Jay sighed, and pulled the rim of his baseball cap way down over his bleary eyes. He hadn’t slept in days. “I don’t know, man. I can’t let her go to London.”

  “Really.”

  “What’s she
gonna do out there? I mean, she don’t know nobody out there. What if she gets lonely? Or sick? What about her migraines?”

  “It’s nice to see you so concerned about her health.”

  “I’m wondering if she really thought this through. It seems so, so…impulsive.”

  “Sometimes that’s the best way to make decisions, don’t you think? You just go with your gut.”

  “Yeah. I guess so.”

  “Sometimes thinking too hard about things screws you all up. You just have to go for what feels right to you, you know?” Renee looked at him pointedly.

  “Mm-hmm.” Jay fidgeted around in his seat. “So, uh, Billie told you what happened with us, right?”

  “Of course she did. I’m her best friend. But I’m also your editor. We’re supposed to be keeping all that separate.”

  “No, I got you, I got you. I just wanna ask you something, off the record.”

  “Go ahead. But you know where my loyalties lie.”

  “Do you think what I did was unforgivable?”

  Renee squinted her almond-shaped brown eyes. There were some things she had to know before letting him off the hook. “Are you sleeping with that hairdresser?”

  “I swear to God, no. I used to, a long time ago, before I met Billie. But no. The girl is not even like my sister, she’s like my brother, you feel me?”

  “Will you ever lie to Billie again?”

  “No!”

  “Why did you do it, Jay? Why, why, why?” Rene pounded her fist on the desk.

  “’Cause I thought she’d bug out. Which she did. But that’s beside the point. I don’t know. I was so confused that I was, I guess…plagued by indecision.”

  “Impotent, you might say.”

  “I’d never say that.”

  “Jay, Billie is very important to me. I cannot approve you stepping to her again until I know you’re no longer plagued by indecision.”

  “I’m not! I learned my lesson, Renee. I’m a changed man. No more lies. From now on I’m an open book.”

  “Then, yeah. I think what you did is forgivable.”

  Jay suddenly leaned forward onto Renee’s desk. “You gotta help me. I’m all fucked up. I love her so much, man. I need her back. I’m shook. And I ain’t the one to admit shit like that, neither.”

  Renee smiled. “Well, then I appreciate your candor.”

  “What should I do?”

  “If I were you, I’d tell her. You’ve got nothing to lose, right?”

  “When does she leave?”

  “I can’t tell you. I promised.”

  “What? No, man, nooo…I thought we were having a moment…”

  “‘Having a moment’? You’ve been hanging out with Billie for too long!” She was enjoying torturing him.

  “Please tell me. Look, I’ll do anything.”

  “Anything?” She raised an eyebrow.

  “Yeah. Yeah, fine, I’ll take my shirt off for the publicity photo. Okay? I’ll do it. When does she leave? Don’t fuck with me.”

  “Her flight leaves on October thirtieth.”

  Jay thought about this. “Whoa! That’s a week from today…next Friday!”

  “Then you better get to work.”

  Jay froze for two seconds, then jumped out of his chair and headed for the door.

  “Hello? Where are you going? We’re so not done, here.”

  “You want me to do that photo, right?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Then I’m out. I’ll holla at you later, Renee. Thanks, baby…”

  Renee was furious, but realized that she’d left that door wide open. How in the world did Billie deal with that manipulative child?

  * * *

  • • •

  Billie spent the weekend in Virginia saying goodbye to her family. Her parents were fiercely proud of her in a vague way. The thing was, they were always proud. They never really worried about the details. For example, her mother had never met Jay, had no clue what went down between them, but managed to produce this gem: “Bey, look like to me you doin’ the right thing, liberatin’ yourself like this. I don’t care how good-lookin’ your Jay is, if he’s pressurin’ you to marry him and you ain’t ready, then, sugah, go ’head and exfoliate that dead skin! Bein’ tied down is only sexy if you providin’ the ties. So go to London and kick up them heels, Bey, and remembah—use protection.”

  And her father was just as high-spirited and complimentary as ever. He almost—but not quite—got it. “I can’t believe a genius sprang from my loins,” he gushed. “To think, that British magazine recruited you to be their editor in chief…and you’re just a baby! High five!”

  Back from her dizzying trip home, she now had to deal with leaving her dear, dear friends. It was the last Sunday before Billie was to leave, and the three of them were having brunch at Chez Oskar.

  “So, how are you feeling at this very second?” Renee asked, sipping her white wine spritzer. “Are you nervous, excited, what?”

  “You know, I’m so busy packing and making sure everything’s taken care of at work, it’s like, I’m just overwhelmed,” Billie said, chomping on a french fry. “I’m excited. I just wanna get there, you know?”

  “I know, right?” said Vida. “Sometimes it’s easier to just up and go, instead of having loads of time to think about it. Then you get scared and shit.”

  “Yeah,” Billie said, nodding overenthusiastically. “I don’t want to think, I just want to go.”

  Renee took the plunge. “I know we’re not supposed to bring this up…”

  “Oh, please don’t,” sighed Billie.

  “Look, I just spent my entire Friday talking to this man. We barely even talk about his book…all he talks about is you. I need an outlet.”

  “Well, since it’s about you…”

  “Sweetie, he’s not doing so well. He really, really misses you.”

  Billie just looked at her. “I don’t know what to do with that.”

  “Nothing, if you don’t want,” Renee said gently. “I just thought you should know. It didn’t affect his finishing the book, so on a professional level, things could be worse.”

  Billie tried to mask her delight but failed. “He finished the book? How is it?”

  “Brilliant!” gushed Renee. “I can’t even lie, it’s so good, y’all. It’s funny, it’s deep, it’s just tight. We’re crashing it for a spring release. Not only that, but the little guy from Cinemax you guys met?”

  Billie nodded sadly. That had been a good day.

  “Anyway, he booked him as a headliner for the premiere episode of the new Wordstock show. He’s blowing the fuck up, y’all.”

  Eyeing the expression on Billie’s face, Vida deftly changed the focus of the conversation from Jay to Renee. “I’m so proud of you, girl. You’ll be running that place soon.”

  “You know? Anyway, like I was saying,” Renee started, never easily swayed. “I totally support your decision to break it off with Jay, Billie. I think it’s incredibly strong of you to put yourself first.”

  “Now maybe he’ll learn his lesson,” said Vida.

  “It’s not about him learning a lesson,” Billie said, suddenly losing her appetite. All the talk about Jay and his success—without her—was making her nauseous. “I did it for me. I felt like I was getting lost. Whatever epiphany he comes to as a result is totally on him.”

  Vida was visibly impressed. “That’s so…healthy, Billie.”

  “But how are you doing, honey?” asked Renee.

  “I’m fine.” Billie sighed. “Okay, I’m not fine. I’m miserable. I’m destroyed.”

  “Let it out, baby, let it out,” said Vida.

  “I miss him, you know? I love him. But what can I do? It was the right thing.”

/>   Vida and Renee nodded.

  “Maybe it was just good sex?” said Billie.

  “Sweetie, if that was all it was you’d still be fucking him,” reasoned Vida.

  “Billie,” started Renee, “what if he tries to stop you from going?”

  “He hasn’t,” said Billie, not without a trace of bitterness. “The bastard.”

  “Well, you did tell him not to,” Renee pointed out.

  “I know! But still.” She paused. “I just wonder if he cares as much as I do. It does help to know he’s actually suffering. I know it shouldn’t, but it does.”

  “Would you come back if he asked?” asked Vida.

  “No,” she said firmly.

  “Billie, have you really thought this thing through?” Renee asked, cautiously. “You are going to London for the right reasons? You’re not running away, right?”

  “I can’t believe this,” Billie said, slamming her fork down with a loud “clank.” “You tell me I’m insane for not wanting to go, and now that I am, it’s because I’m running away. I’m not an idiot, Renee.”

  “Look, I’m just making sure—”

  “I know you guys are trying to protect me, like you always have. Poor Billie, she’s so clueless, she doesn’t know dick about shit, make sure she unplugs her curling iron before she leaves so she doesn’t burn the dorm down.”

  Vida and Renee eyed each other, eyebrows raised.

  “I’m sick of it. Give me some credit. I know what I’m doing, here. This isn’t about running away from him. It’s about running toward something. It’s about me. I have to do this for myself, for my career. I want to see where it takes me—and I can’t let my fear of losing him hold me back. And besides, what kind of real relationship can I ever hope to have if I’m not a full person, if I’m always putting myself and what I want last? That’s not a girlfriend, that’s a groupie.”

  Billie’s friends just stared at her for a moment, blown away. Then Vida broke the silence.

  “‘Sistuuhs are doin’ it for themselves!’” she sang, a huge grin spreading over her face.