A Toiling Darkness

by Jaliza Burwell

  When I had enough sense to even move, the soreness was on par with being hit by a truck and then thrown off the Empire State building. Overkill. I felt like overkill. Someone had moved me to one of the couches. I could feel a fire from the hearth on my face as it kept the room warm and cozy. As I looked around, for a second I really did believe I was back in the past until I remembered Kay’s taste in art.

  I slowly sat up, dazed, my brain trying to catch up with everything. I rubbed at my face and felt the familiar features of my new and yet old appearance. It was once again childish, my cheeks soft and round, my eyes big, my nose short and wide, and my lips thinner than they were as an adult. My hands were pale and small, no longer long and graceful. My chest was light, no longer held down by big breasts. I wanted to smile and laugh—and yet at the same time I wanted to cry.

  It was like I lost myself again. Being an adult was natural; it was who I truly was and becoming a child once again felt wrong. I could hear El in the background telling me I was running away from my problems again, trying to take the easy way out. At least this time his voice was quieter. When I did this the first time, he was in the front of my mind, screaming and yelling at me to face what happened. Of course, me being me, I ignored him. The pain and guilt of Eithna’s death was too strong then.

  Her death was the reason I searched for Kay. It took a couple of years, but when I tracked him down, I convinced him to do what I wanted. I can silently admit now, that back then, I was running away from everything. This time was different though. I wasn’t running away once again, was I? I just wanted to stay undercover while I tracked down Kalen’s master.

  “You seem unsure about something.”

  Startled, I looked over and saw Kay in the same chair he was in earlier. At some point he had changed into black sweatpants and a dark gray t-shirt with Rock’n Roll on the front. Below that said ‘Going To Be A King Today.’

  I licked my lips, my mouth completely dry. “I’m just trying to figure out why I put myself through this once again.”

  “You regret turning back into a child?” He kept his voice neutral, but his eyes gave him away. He was hopeful about something.

  “I really can’t say if I do or don’t,” I replied, giving him the truth.

  “Being a child protects you.”

  “Yeah.”

  “You don’t have to worry about losing control of yourself.”

  “Maybe.” I stared at him. It was like he was playing devil’s advocate. Why? “What’s going on?”

  His smile widened, his face brightening up. He shook his head. “Nothing too much. I just think you’re finally seeing what I’ve seen for the past two hundred years.”

  “What?”

  “That you were running away.”

  I kept quiet, unable to say anything against that. Hadn’t I just admitted at least that much to myself?

  “At first, I couldn’t figure out why you were so adamant about making yourself so weak. You were never one to go into hiding, even when men with torches surrounded you. You faced them down every time, even when it was painful and all you wanted to do was quit.”

  “So? What’s your point?”

  “Last time was different. It was like you were weighed down with some kind of knowledge you couldn’t accept. Like you were scared of something you did. Something you refused to admit. It took me a while to realize it was because of Eithna’s death. You don’t get attached too easily.”

  “So why are you so damn happy?” My face was stiff, my words cold.

  “Because I think you won’t be needing this weak form anymore very soon. I’ve had the pleasure of watching you throughout the years. I have to admit I grew somewhat fond of you. You were always like a stray dog, always on alert, keeping others away, fighting to stay alive. Then when you came to me two hundred years ago, you were a hurt stray dog and have been ever since.”

  I stood up slowly, stretching out my childish body a little. Kay just sat there, grinning like a fool. I could feel the truth in his words. The fact that I was so easily willing to go back to my true human form was evidence enough.

  “I can’t go back to who I once was.”

  “No, you can’t. Even I know that.” His words were sad. “Ever since that enlightener got his hands on you, you changed, became softer.”

  I shook my head. “Don’t bring El into this.”

  “But he’s the start of it all, isn’t he? He created a kind of rule book to follow, to reshape your decisions.”

  “He saved me from myself—”

  “And the fact that you think like that makes what I said true. He thought you needed to be saved, but are you really?” he interrupted me, his face going serious. It made him look slightly older, maybe more like a graduate student instead of an undergrad. I wasn’t the only one changing these last two hundred years. “Look where meeting the enlightener got you. A weak stray. That slauve almost killed you because you couldn’t properly control your powers. You’re weak like this.”

  I glanced around, my eyes flickering quickly around the room as I grew confused. How did we even get onto this topic?

  “Then why help me?”

  “Because I owe you. The Consort would have killed me, but not you. You’re special and they knew it. Even I knew it back then. They only gave you a slap on the wrist because of who you are. They are willing to invest in you, and so I left you behind to deal with them. I know that doesn’t excuse what I did. That village was all me and yet I dragged you into it.”

  “Just say what the point of this conversation is. I need to leave.”

  “I simply want you to stop being weak. If you stay like this, you’ll be killed.”

  “I can’t be killed.”

  He shook his head. “You don’t believe that anymore.”

  No, I didn’t believe in those words, but I wasn’t going to admit that out loud. Saying it out loud brought a kind of reality to the situation I didn’t want. So I stared at him and said nothing.

  He sighed and stood up. Once again I had to glance up at him. I kind of missed seeing eye level with him. It made it easier to understand him. I would give a finger or two to know what he was thinking. They would grow back eventually, so it was no real lost. He walked over to me slowly, his movements graceful and slow.

  “I get it, okay. I don’t like it but I guess I understand. Just be careful. Whatever magic they are using, it’s rare and ancient—before my time.”

  “I’m always careful.”

  He grunted. “Once, I would have called you a liar, but now…” He scanned my body, not happy with what he was seeing. “I guess you are.”

  I wanted to say I’m sorry. It was like I let him down. I guess we both were realizing there was no going back.

  “Bye,” I said simply.

  “Bye.”

  With nothing left to say, I left, closing the door softly behind me.

  Chapter 16:

  It was late evening when I stepped out onto the streets. The sun was low in the sky, taking with it the light that made people feel safe. I lost a whole day. That was not how I wanted to spend my day. I don’t think anyone wanted to spend their day withering in pain. The air was still warm and clear, lacking the pollution the storm was able to wash away. By midday tomorrow, exhaust and pollution will once again take over, but for now, I enjoyed a few good deep breaths.

  I strolled slowly towards the subway. It was late enough to have the streets packed with people on dates or going to dinner before the nightlife began. I kept my head down and ignored everyone as I weaved through the streets. Kay let me borrow another shirt and a light jacket that looked more like a trench coat on me. I pulled the jacket tight around me and hoped no one was stupid enough to ask if I was lost.

  I never considered El as a turning point in my life. Yes, he gave me a rulebook to make use of, but half the time, I threw that rulebook out the window. At least until I met Eithna. Then I got a taste of what being a mentor was like.

  Eithna was a breath o
f fresh air, always upfront with me, asking questions about not just spells and magic, but about me and who I was underneath the façade I hid behind. She had opened up to me as much as I opened up to her and trusted me in a way no one ever did, not even Kay or El. They expected me to be ruthless and mean first, she at least waited on her judgments, waited until I betrayed her personally and I never did until I handed her the key to her death.

  I smiled to myself as I got on the subway, squeezing between a man and an old woman. If Eithna could come back from the dead, I could picture her flipping back her hair and saying feistigh do thóin féin or the equivalent of go fuck yourself. Then she would pout and make me pay her back by showing her something new that I refused to show her before. She was forgiving in that way.

  She would agree with the Consort saying it wasn’t my fault. She would say she made her choices. Eithna always took responsibility for her actions. Like when she accidentally turned a family into stone. She refused my help and spent a month trying to fix it and when she finally did, she created a spell that ensured their crops to be bountiful for the next ten years as an apology. She was good like that.

  If only I could agree with her on this one. She should never have found that spell.

  When my stop on the subway came, I finally drew out of my memories long enough to take notice of the ten-foot radius between the humans and me. I gave a little amused smile as I stepped off and went back out onto the streets.

  Baron’s bar was located in the old downtown of the city, meaning it was in South Rheems. Abandoned buildings surrounded the bar, with other businesses littered around. The walkways were real cobblestone, but no upkeep on them for years. Some green moss was growing on the rocks and dirt in between them. It made the walk a little tricky, especially after the heavy rainfall. They were extra slippery. I could hear my borrowed black Mary Janes as they clacked against them.

  A lantern was what marked the bar and the big heavy wooden door helped differentiate the building from all the others around it. I walked over and opened the door to loud and obnoxious singing.

  I paused a moment and then dove inside, squeezing my way to the bar. As the beings noticed me, they began to inch away until there was at least a five-foot parameter around. I tried not to grin, thinking about the subway. At least they weren’t quick to try and kill me.

  Baron spotted me and nodded before grabbing a mug and preparing my drink. The man looked good compared to when I last saw him. His blonde hair was braided this time and snaked around his petite frame, reaching down to his waist. Tonight he was full of energy that kept him rooted to the reality he appeared to fade from. His usually summer green eyes were now feline-like as they stayed alert, looking for any possible trouble.

  When he came and gave me my drink, a light shock went through me, going from my fingertips all the way to the ends of my hair.

  “Sorry.” He gave me an apologetic smile. “My body is responding to all the energy in the air.”

  I glanced around at everyone. Someone started singing another song in Old English and others were clapping. I recognized a few faces and realized the place was packed with the top dogs of our world. Beings I wanted to avoid since I was on their shit list.

  Like Old Burn, dancing in the corner by himself. I killed his wife before I came to the States and now he wanted to turn me into barbeque. In my defense, that old bitch threw me off a cliff. I simply returned the favor when I was up and running again. Not my fault she wasn’t as durable as me.

  “What’s going on?” I asked.

  “They’re all Lord Kay’s clients. I think they are pre-gaming until they head out to a bigger party Lord Kay is hosting.”

  “Alcohol affects even the strongest of us all.”

  He leaned forward and his voice was lower. “I just want them out. This many in an enclosed space, something is bound to start.”

  “And you’re just waiting for it to happen so you can dust their asses.” I smiled. Maybe I’ll see something good tonight.

  He grinned and walked away, laughing, while he attended to another customer. Glad to brighten someone’s night. I took a drink of the tea and felt all the honey relax my own body. I enjoyed the drink, allowing it to brighten my own day at least a little. Nothing could come between me and my drink right now.

  The beings stayed strong for another hour, drinking and singing. To Baron’s disappointment, no fights broke out and when they finally left, I felt like I could breathe again. Apparently Baron felt the same way because when he gave me my third tea, I didn’t get a shock with it.

  “So what happened to you?” he asked, his head tilted to the side.

  “What do you mean?” I asked, feigning ignorance. Did he already know about my fight with Kalen?

  He shrugged. “You seem different. Not so closed off.”

  “You mean vulnerable?”

  He shook his head and gave a weak smile. “No, not vulnerable. Just open—a little less scary.”

  I cocked my eyebrow and he pushed forward, trying to explain himself. A light blush crept up into his cheeks, going across his nose. Well would you look at that? I made Baron blush. I held back the smile that wanted to break across my face. He probably wouldn’t appreciate me grinning like a fool at his expense.

  “I just mean it seems like you’ve face something you’ve needed to face for a long time and now you’re healing a little.”

  I was silent for a moment, thinking about his words. “I don’t know about facing it completely, but more like an acknowledgement maybe?” My words came out slow and uncertain.

  Baron nodded as if he understood. He probably did too. Sometimes, when he thought no one was looking and his mask cracked a little, a sadness overtook his expression. It’s a brief moment, quick enough for people to not recognize that look. I only recognized it because Eithna got the same look sometimes too. I just wish I knew it was because she lost her children. Did Baron lose someone important to him too?

  “Why do you look like that,” I had asked her.

  “Because pain isn’t something you can hide forever. It’ll come through sooner or later. It always does.”

  Then a couple days later she made the slauve and died.

  “It’s a start,” Baron said.

  “Yeah,” I mumbled and took another sip. I could never have too much sweetness, no matter what anyone says.

  Baron went away to help more customers. I swiveled in my chair to see who was left after that crowd took off. There were some beings scattered around, keeping to themselves. Two men caught my attention. They were in the corner of the bar, a lot of empty mugs in front of them.

  They looked like they were trying to drown their sorrows away. Something about them made me think they came from the tournament. They had to be fighters who failed to even get down the dark stairwell. Their figures were buff, tribal tattoos scattering their dark arms and their hair pulled back in tight braids, giving the impression of short hair if you didn’t see the little braid at the nape of their neck. Everything about them screamed defeated fighter. Kay’s tournaments were no joke. It wasn’t for the weak. And those two were weak if they were here and not underground.

  Eyes in the room all turned towards the door. I glanced over to see what caught everyone’s attention and found the leggy blonde who wanted to approach me the night I first met Kalen. This time she had no one to stop her and she headed directly to me, an excited cockiness in her smile.

  She sashayed towards me, her smile growing as others watched her hips move with hungry eyes. Her magic was kept close to herself, making it hard to gauge her potential. She had amazing control—even I had to admit I was jealous of that control.

  The woman was what others called a smoking babe. The two words together didn’t make sense to me and Kay had to explain it meant a beautiful woman. I still didn’t get it but that was what this witch would be called. Smoking babe. Her blond hair was cut in short layers to frame her face. Her full lips were rose-colored, nose straight, and the little bit
of makeup made use of her high cheekbones and twinkling dark eyes. Her eyes were framed with long eyelashes. Every time she blinked those thick lashes, I swear I could hear them as they collided against each other. How do her lashes not get tangled up together? The witch wore a short navy blue strapless dress that hugged every curve on her body.

  When she made it to the bar, she hopped up on the stool next to me, turned to face me and crossed her long legs. Her dress hiked up to her upper thighs, showing off her perfectly tanned legs. Everything about her made me wonder why she was here. She should be either at a photo-shoot, at the gym to keep that athletic figure, or at a dance club, grinding against a man.

  “You’re Akhlys, aren’t you?” Her smiled widened.

  I stilled, completely shocked that she knew that name.

  How?

  The room started to chatter again when they figured out she wasn’t going to give them the attention they so desperately wanted. Low murmurs surrounded us as I stared at her, speechless. Unfazed by my reaction, she sat there, smiling like a queen with a new jester to keep her entertained. It didn’t take long for me to hate her. I wanted to wipe that smile off her face, show her who she was dealing with. Instead I sat there and tried to regain my composure by taking a drink. It didn’t work, she knew she had my attention.

  I finally responded, my throat still dry even after a drink. It was like the honey congealed inside my throat, preventing me from speaking clearly enough. “How do you know that name?” The words were too thick and I had to take another drink.

  She smiled even more. I didn’t even know someone could smile so big, especially a human.

  There was a small debate in the supernatural community about whether witches were human or not. They created their own magic, magic inherited through their family, and if they were lucky enough to get it, it allowed them to live up to three hundred years, max. Other than that, everything about them was human.

  When this mysterious woman grinned, her face pretty much split in half, making me question my original opinion.