by Cydney Rax
“ ’Cause it’s not funny.”
“Okay, sweetness. I’m no Kevin Hart. But aren’t you still glad to see me? Aren’t you going to say ciao?”
“How about arrivederci?” she said sarcastically. Nicole’s remembrance of the Italian word made him chuckle. His heart warmed at the sight of her; the Nicole he knew could usually act sassy and hard. “You’re still the same little firecracker.”
“Ajalon! What are you doing here? And how the hell did you find me?”
He glanced out at the street. “I will tell you all about it. But can’t you invite a bruh in?”
“What? No. I-I can’t.”
“Why not? I’m here for you! I remembered your birthday is August second.”
Nicole’s eyes lit up. He was lucky that he caught her at home, which was only because she decided to take off a couple of days from work due to her birthday.
“I wanted to celebrate with you. And I came all the way here because of you. I’m so, so glad to see you.”
“Oh, Ajalon.”
“I’ve missed you. Ti ho mancato. Did you miss me, Nicole?” He reached out and grabbed both her hands and brought them to his lips.
Speechless, Nicole could only shake her head. She shivered as he brushed his lips across her knuckles. At that moment, she knew without a doubt that Ajalon had missed her. He was rarely shy about expressing his feelings for her. It was one thing that she loved about him. Still in disbelief, she snatched back her hands and took a good hard look at her ex-boyfriend.
Ajalon was tall and lean, yet his chest was broad and his shoulder muscles looked toned and tight. His body seemed to be in perfect shape. He had nice even teeth and a chipped tooth that gave him character. But it was his eyes that got to Nicole. His eyes conveyed a lot. If he didn’t like someone, his facial expression could be brutal and vicious. Yet they also held a kindness she found irresistible.
The sound of a police siren screamed in the distance. Ajalon begged her. “Nicole. Please let me come in. It’s hot as hell out here.”
She finally smiled. “You’re loco. You’re from Brooklyn and you should be used to the heat.” She glanced out the door and told him, “Hurry up. But you can’t stay long.”
He smiled back at her and quickly stepped inside the foyer.
“This is nice, Nicole.” He walked through the living room and scoped his surroundings. He noticed lots of photos of Nicole and her baby.
“Eh?”
“No, Ajalon. That isn’t your daughter.”
“Just checking. Next time?”
“Please.”
He looked as if he wanted to grab her in his arms. The thought of that frightened Nicole. It all felt like a weird dream and she didn’t know how to act. “W-why are you here? How did you find me?”
He pointed at the HD television that covered nearly an entire wall of the living room.
“You’re famous, Nicole. I saw you on the news a while ago. On this channel, and that channel. Internet.”
“Oh. That. Damn.”
“So I knew you were in Houston. And when I got back in the outside world, I went to the place where we used to stay. I saw some old mail that was supposed to be delivered to you. It had a forwarding address label. And—”
“And you decided to head out west unannounced.”
“Why do I sense that you don’t want to see me? Didn’t you care if I was dead or alive? Why did you stop coming to see me? You stopped taking my calls. You never sent me a letter.”
“Ajalon. It got too hard for me to deal with. I couldn’t take your being locked up anymore. Too much was going on. Things started feeling sad. I wanted to feel happy again.”
Nicole’s face reddened with shame. She was sure he felt like she abandoned him; that her one hundred pledges of loyalty turned into one hundred disappointments. The man who stood before her used to almost be like her son, except he’d been her lover. She took Ajalon in when he had nowhere else to go; when his family told him point-blank that he had to make something of his life and then treated him like a stranger. Nicole was three years older than he was. Now he was twenty-three. Still young; still virile. Yet he had a hardened edge to him courtesy of the streets and to that two-year bid he served courtesy of the State of Alabama.
“Ajalon, I need you to understand that I had to get away because I decided I needed to start over again. I wanted a new beginning.”
“And you need to understand that you hurt me when you left me without even letting me know that you left me. I kept looking for you to visit. Day after day visiting hours came and went. I eventually figured out you weren’t coming to see me again. And I felt more alone than I ever felt in my life. I-I sat up in that jail and pictured myself ending it all.”
“No more. Stop. Please.” His words made her feel like trash. “I-I’m truly sorry, Ajalon. I wanted to tell you my plans but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to go back to what we used to have. I hated when you’d go on those road trips delivering that dope. I was always scared that one day you wouldn’t come home. And I decided I wanted more.”
“That’s cool. You wanted what I want. I want more, too. With you.”
“Oh, Jesus Christ,” she said. Confusion pounded at her brain. She could not believe he was in her house. They had been together as a couple for several years. He got arrested and she stuck by him for almost a year. Then she left. When she relocated to Texas last summer, she never thought she’d see this man again.
“When’d you get out, Ajalon?”
He turned away from Nicole and began sniffing.
“Um, ahh, yeah. That’s it. That smell brings back memories.”
“What brings back memories?” she asked as she stared at him and became mesmerized by his appearance.
Ajalon was a man of mixed heritage whose features made him resemble the rapper Drake or even Vin Diesel. His mother, Callista, was from a wealthy family and was born in Calabria. His dad, Lorenzo, was African-American mixed with Italian. Lorenzo was raised near Birmingham but his family relocated to Brooklyn when he was a kid.
Ajalon was a lighter version of his dad: his wide almond-shaped eyes, unusually thick eyebrows, and ethnic features caused him to get noticed in her home town. Most of the men in her hood didn’t look like him and they gave Ajalon a hard time until they got to know him. Even though dating the New York transplant brought negative scrutiny, Nicole had always been proud of the fact that her boyfriend was incredibly handsome, young, and exciting to be around. Even though he foolishly got caught up in the drug game, he had a good heart.
“I can smell your collard greens and sour cream cornbread. I haven’t tasted food like that in a minute. And I am hungry, Nicole. I need my strength. Can you feed me?”
“Ajalon!”
“What?”
“My cooking will make you fat.” She laughed in spite of herself.
He couldn’t stand it any longer. Ajalon placed his arms around Nicole. He allowed his embrace to enjoy her body. Her breasts felt fuller, hips even wider. Motherhood had served her well. And he felt very jealous that the baby wasn’t his, and that another man had been with his girl.
“You look better than ever, Mami.” He let her go and suddenly pretended like he was running. Lifting his legs high up, he asked, “Remember how we used to go jogging in the park? How we had goals and we would motivate each other to be our best?”
His energy was magnetic. Nicole couldn’t forget how much Ajalon inspired her; he made her feel sexy and aware of her body when they’d work out together. But after prison became his home, she had no one else to motivate her. And because he wasn’t around anymore, back then she started to let herself go. She didn’t care about how she looked when her man was locked up. Being pretty didn’t matter anymore.
But now, when she looked at her ex, her memory was awakened.
“We ran. We walked,” Ajalon said. “We talked. We held hands. We got fit together. We did everything together! You remember that?”
She grew sober as
he excitedly rehashed his memories. He was great at recalling the good. But she wanted him to remember the bad times that made her flee.
“I remember you getting arrested,” Nicole told him. “And I remember a lot of us running from the police and nearly getting caught.”
“But you got to stay in the free world, didn’t you? I set you up with a nice little fence parole. Johnny Law never saw you. And now you are free.”
“Am I?”
“But it’s all good,” he told her. “I got to do my cat nap instead of the nickel term that they gave me. So all is forgotten. Except the good times we shared. They won’t ever be forgotten,” he said and winked at her.
Nicole’s eyes glazed over. The time they spent together in Birmingham seemed a million years ago. It was such an odd yet exciting time. The two of them met through a mutual friend. They hit it off immediately. Ajalon liked Nicole the moment he saw her. He hung around her the way a toddler clings to its mother. He never wanted to let her out of his sight. She was annoyed at first, but because of his persistence, charm, and willingness to prove himself, she gave in. She wanted him in her life. She taught him everything she knew, like how to be responsible, how to deal with his problems, and what it takes to be a good man. And he taught her how to relax, have fun, and take risks.
“I know you want a new beginning. But I want old mixed with new,” he said, interrupting her thoughts. “Me. You. We’re good together.”
“Hmm, Ajalon. According to your family, we’re not good for each other.”
“Ouch. Tsk tsk tsk. Do not remind me.” Then he said, “You’re my family. You!”
“Ajalon, that was then. I have a whole new life now.”
As if on cue, Eminence began to cry. Her little whimpers tugged at Nicole’s heart.
Was she wet, hungry, or hurting?
Nicole ordered her ex, “Wait right here.”
She quickly disappeared down the hall. She walked over to Emmy’s crib and peered lovingly down at her. Her baby girl’s mouth was wide open as she fussed and twisted in her bed.
“You sure are loud. I wonder where you get that from?”
Nicole reached down and lifted up the big girl into her arms. Emmy was now almost nine weeks old.
“She gets her mouth from her pretty mother.” Ajalon was standing and looking over Nicole’s shoulder. She could feel the heat of his body as it pressed against her.
“Oh, you scared me,” she said and moved away. “Please don’t do that. I told you to wait for me.”
“I have been waiting too long. I can’t wait anymore, Nicole. I am serious. I came here to apologize and tell you to your face that I messed up. I was young. I was dumb. But now I’m a man. I know what I want.”
“Ajalon, please.”
Emmy squealed even louder.
“I gotta take care of my daughter.”
“I’ll help you.”
“What are you talking about?” She felt annoyed. He always was skilled at getting his own way with her.
“Nicole, you don’t seem to understand. I wanted to show you, not tell you. But . . . ti amo.”
“Ohh. Hmmm.” Her knees felt weak at his confession. In all the years she knew him he’d never told her specifically that he loved her. But he was excellent at showing her and she admired that. While they were together, she would tell Ajalon that she loved him; he’d play it off like it was cool and then change the subject.
And right then Nicole didn’t know how she felt about him expressing his love. She thought about her life. Thought of Rashad. And their child who needed them.
“Did you hear me?” he asked. “Do you understand? Let me say it in English. I love you, Nicole Kelly Greene.” She adored the way he pronounced her name.
Ajalon stared into Nicole’s eyes; she felt herself getting drunkenly lost, like her blood alcohol level was dangerously high. She wanted to collapse. “I feel like I could use some water.”
“I’ll get it for you.”
Ajalon went straight into the kitchen, opened the refrigerator, and twisted off the cap of an ice cold bottle. He brought it to her and lifted the container to her lips.
“Drink.”
She did.
“More.”
She drank more.
“Better?” he asked.
“Yes. Thanks.”
He drank the rest of the water and wiped his mouth with his hand.
“I can’t believe this,” she said when he was done.
“Why can’t you? Did you not believe you would see me again?”
Emmy let out a piercing wail. Nicole immediately went to grab her daughter.
“Follow me,” she told Ajalon.
They returned to the living room and she sat down in a comfortable chair. Feeling shy, she placed Emmy face-down on her chest. She hesitated then she pulled out her breast. Emmy hungrily sucked on her mom’s nipple. Nicole thought about how much love she had for her baby. The baby was a great distraction because it felt too bizarre to have her former lover sitting in the room staring at her while her breast was partially exposed. She found a towel and covered as much of herself as possible and continued.
“Look, Ajalon, when I decided to leave Birmingham, I honestly didn’t know if I would ever see you again. And pretty much a year ago, I really didn’t care—”
“Don’t say that. Please—”
“I’m just telling you how I felt . . . back then. I wanted out of that place. I felt like life had stopped for me. You were locked up. My family kept coming down on me and pressuring me about my decisions. Everything was making me crazy. I didn’t want to keep going through that. And even though it was very hard, I could no longer picture us with a future together. I wasn’t willing to stick around to see what happened. So I-I ended up applying for a lot of jobs out of state. Georgia, Florida, and Arizona. But I got a gig in Houston. That’s why I’m here.”
“Okay. You didn’t want to wait on me. That’s a man’s greatest fear when he’s locked up.”
“Oh, I thought his fear was turning into a batty boy.”
“It’s called making tortillas in prison. I never made a single tortilla. You feel me?”
Ajalon stared straight into Nicole’s eyes. She knew he meant that.
The first time they had sex was a little clumsy yet amazing. Ajalon had a tinier frame back then. And she was big boned. So she had to ride him. It was his first time allowing a woman to take over in bed. By the time Nicole was done with him, she had Ajalon screaming for his mama. She aroused sensations that they both had never felt before. They were sweaty, exhausted, and sore. And after they took a break, they did it again. Nicole and Ajalon used to go at it three times a day all over their apartment. These days she and Rashad got it in about once every two to three days.
Nicole continued to breastfeed Emmy and was lost in thought. She never noticed Ajalon lean over. He licked his moist lips and tried to press them against hers. As soon as he made contact, she jerked back. His lips felt dangerously hot and smooth. His breath smelled like mint. A shiver ran through her.
“No,” she said and wiped her mouth. “You can’t do that. Not anymore.”
“You got a Sancho while I was gone?” She knew “Sancho” meant a man.
“How you think I got this baby?”
“So you’re serious? This is not my baby?” He pulled back the blanket that partially covered the little child’s face.
“Stop it. You know she’s not yours. You know what happened to our child.” She shot him a daggered look. The pain of the memories weighed on her.
When Ajalon went into prison, she came to see him every day. And when she found out she was pregnant, she arrived at the prison as soon as visitors were allowed. She wanted to spend every available moment with her man so she could break the news that she was having his baby. At first Nicole felt elated. But as the long days stretched into endless weeks, the more despondent she became. Her future looked bleak. She had to make a decision. And when she finally came to see her
man after terminating the pregnancy, it was the first time Nicole saw him enraged. He shouted Italian profanities. The guard had to come out to see what was wrong with him. She walked out while he was talking. And that’s when she decided she’d had enough. Her love for her man just wasn’t enough.
“I’m sorry, Bella,” Ajalon said referring to the pet name he called her at times. “If I hadn’t been so stupid, I could have stepped up to the plate and been there for you and our child. Put it all it on me.” Water filled his eyes. She knew prison hadn’t made him as hard as he liked to pretend it did. Her Ajalon still had a heart that could feel and mourn and react.
Nicole covered her mouth with her hands and tried to control the achy lump that expanded in her throat. She didn’t want to disturb Emmy, who had, magically and mercifully, fallen asleep.
“I’m sorry,” she apologized. “I’m having a moment.”
“You don’t have to apologize to me. I know you. We were almost like a married couple. But I was too young to handle you. I’m older now.”
“Ajalon, everyone is older now.”
He laughed. She wanted to laugh, too. To Nicole he still sounded young. He was nothing like Rashad, a man that didn’t mind going out and working hard every day. In fact, she felt he worked too much. She felt concerned that Rashad’s job took him away from her as if his work meant more to her than she did. But he assured her that he was working hard for her and his seed. She felt Rashad didn’t need to put in all those hours now that she had thousands of dollars remaining in her GoFundMe account. Something did not feel right, but when she first got with him she ignored her gut and reasoned that Rashad was a businessman and a workaholic.
“Okay, Ajalon. You saw me on TV, you said you’re sorry. I accept your apology. But now you need to go back from where you came.”
“What?”
“I said you can’t be here.”
“It’s a free country,” he sputtered, sounding frustrated. “I can relocate to Texas just like you.”
“You’re right. It is a free country. But you might lose more than your freedom if you stay here. Texas is nothing like Alabama. These law men will shoot you down in the streets like a dog if you get out of line. If you resist arrest, you’re giving the state an excuse to fire at you. All they gotta do is say that they feared for their life and another black man gets a new sign made with his name emblazoned, his own crowd of protestors, and another mother grieving for her son. The cop will get off. And they’ll put it behind them and get ready for their next shootout.”