Don’t Cry Alone

by Don’t Cry Alone (retail) (epub)

  He laughed in her face. ‘Or what, Mother dear? Throw me out, will you? Disown me? No… I don’t think you’d do that to your little boy. You couldn’t bring yourself to punish me when I was a child and guilty of all manner of things… you’d rather punish poor little Beth, wouldn’t you, eh? It’s me that’s in the wrong now. But you’re still punishing her, aren’t you? You still haven’t satisfied my curiosity. What is it with you and Beth? Why do you loathe her so?’

  ‘Be very careful what you say, Ben. It’s a dangerous thing to let your tongue run away with you,’ she told him. The warning was enough to silence him. He had never heard her talk like that before, at least not to him. It had a sobering effect. Without another word, he let himself be led into the sitting room.

  The watching woman waited until the sitting-room door was closed on the two secretive figures. After a moment she retraced her steps to her own modest quarters. She did not go straight to her bed. Instead she stood with her back against the door. Such things she had heard this day! Such wicked things. Tomorrow was her day off; she would have much to report. First thing in the morning, she would make her way to the big house where she intended to relay everything she had learned. It was not an errand she would enjoy, because she knew the sorrow it would cause, but her specific task in this household was to be the eyes and ears of her dear companion. Unpleasant though it was, that was the reason for her being here, that and no other. Her explicit instructions were not to get involved, nor ever to reveal her real purpose there. And like a faithful friend, she had carried out these instructions to the letter; with one unforeseen eventuality. She had come to like Richard Ward, and like had deepened to love. But he saw her only as part of the furniture, and so her guilt was lessened. In that one respect only she had failed her dear friend. But though she had wished things might have been different, she consoled herself with the knowledge that it could come to nothing. And no one would ever know.

  * * *

  ‘She’s mending now, Miss Mulliver, but she was real poorly… cried out for you, she did, but I had no way of knowing how to contact you.’ The maid was growing more and more flustered. She was desperate to ensure that Miss Mulliver should not think her irresponsible.

  ‘Poorly, you say?’ Tilly Mulliver’s only concern was for the state of her friend. ‘I hope the doctor was called. What did he say? When did this happen? It’s only been a week since I was here, and she was in perfectly good health then.’ Without stopping to take off her hat and coat, she hurried down the hallway with the little maid scurrying behind her. In a moment the two of them were running up the wide curved stairs. ‘I knew this would happen! I should be here… my place is with her.’ She had never liked the arrangement that had installed her in the Ward household, but having heard the tragic story, and knowing how much it meant to the woman who had rescued her from a life of loneliness, how could she refuse?

  ‘I did call the doctor, Madam… straight away.’ Not used to rushing about in such a manner, the maid was breathless. ‘He said I was just to keep her warm in bed, and feed her on soft broth. She were only poorly for three days.’ Anxious to be seen as having made all the right decisions, she added with a little pride, ‘There weren’t no need for a nurse, ’cause I looked after the mistress myself… stayed up all night when the fever took her… mopped her brow and talked nice and low ’til she come through it. This morning I boiled her a nice fresh egg, and she ate the lot. Like I said, the mistress is mending well now.’ If she thought to gain praise for her endeavours, she was disappointed. ‘Madam’ was only interested in hurrying to her friend.

  ‘It’s all right, Margaret.’ Tilly was relieved at the sight which greeted her as she entered the bedroom; a large bright room where the sunlight found every corner, and the furniture was regal. ‘You can leave us now,’ she said, taking off her outdoor clothes and handing them to the maid. ‘But I would welcome a pot of tea and a slice of your fruit loaf.’ She glanced at the woman sitting in the bed; a long-limbed creature with gentle brown eyes and chestnut-coloured hair that was now streaked with silver. ‘I understand you’ve had only a boiled egg this morning,’ she said meaningfully, then returning her attention to the maid, ordered, ‘Make that tea for two, Margaret. And a double helping of your delicious cake.’

  ‘Very well, Madam.’ The maid gave a knowing little nod and backed out of the door with a smile on her face. She was glad Miss Mulliver was here. There wasn’t another soul in the whole world who could handle the mistress like her, and, if the truth be told, she had been really concerned about the mistress’s bird-like appetite.

  ‘I’m not at all hungry,’ the woman protested, but then her whole face lit up in a brilliant smile as she held out her arms. ‘But, oh, Tilly… you don’t know how glad I am to see you.’ When the other woman folded herself into the delicate embrace, she was shocked at how thin her friend had become.

  ‘Oh, Elizabeth, why didn’t you send for me?’ she demanded, gently drawing herself away yet keeping the long pale fingers entwined in her own small hand. ‘If I had known you were ill, nothing on this earth would have kept me away.’ She was saddened and alarmed by the white face and big dark eyes that stared back at her from a thinner face than she remembered.

  ‘Now, you’re not to fuss,’ Elizabeth reprimanded. ‘You know how I can’t stand to be fussed over’ She slid her fingers from her friend’s grasp and pulled herself up in the bed, a smile lighting up the ageing beauty of her face. ‘What news have you?’

  ‘No news at all,’ she warned, ‘until I know how you’ve been… and whether you are on the mend.’ She had been sitting on the edge of the bed, and now she leaned forward to take the other woman’s hand again. ‘What ails you, Elizabeth?’ she asked in a tender voice. ‘You were in good health when I saw you only a week ago today.’

  ‘Something and nothing, that’s all it was.’ She laughed, but to the listening woman it held a hollow sound. ‘It might even have been Margaret’s fruit cake, for all I know.’ When she saw Tilly would not be so easily put off, she sighed loudly. ‘Oh, Tilly… it really was “something and nothing”. The fever came on me out of nowhere. I have no idea what caused it. The doctor seems to think I took a chill while out walking on Tuesday last. If you remember it was a blustery day, and you know how easily I take cold.’

  ‘Then what in God’s name were you doing out on such a day?’

  ‘I just felt the need. There was no particular reason. I was not on an errand, if that’s what you mean.’ For the briefest moment her eyes clouded over. ‘I would never do that again. I should never have done it on that day.’ A look of alarm spread through her features. ‘Oh, Tilly, it was a foolish thing… supposing he had seen me standing outside his house?’ She gasped now, putting her fingers to her mouth as though to stifle the horror of her thoughts. ‘What if she had seen me?’

  ‘No one saw you, Elizabeth,’ Tilly assured her, ‘and no one knows how close you are.’

  ‘They must never know!’

  ‘They never will… unless you want them to. Certainly, they will never know from me.’ Here she paused, looking deep into Elizabeth’s eyes. ‘Would it be so terrible if they knew?’

  ‘Don’t even say that! You don’t know.’ Her voice broke in a cry. ‘You can’t know what dreadful memories would be unleashed. Such jealousy, such pain.’ She shook her head vigorously. ‘No! I could never do that to him. Not to him. Not to… Richard.’ As always when she mentioned his name, her eyes filled with tears and she bowed her head, as though steeping herself in memories that were both painful and exquisite.

  ‘You still love him, don’t you? After all these years, you still love him.’ Realising her own love for the same man, there was a sadness in Tilly Mulliver’s voice.

  ‘I will always love him. You know that.’ Surreptitiously wiping her eyes, Elizabeth asked eagerly, ‘What news have you? How is he? And Beth… what of Beth?’

  ‘Goodness me! So many questions, and I’m hardly in the door.’ Tilly regarded
the woman with concerned eyes. ‘First, tell me, Elizabeth, are you really mending?’ She suspected that her friend had been more ill than she admitted.

  ‘Yes.’ The answer was given with conviction. ‘When you come next week, I’ll be up and about, as good as ever.’

  ‘I don’t mean to leave my next visit for another week, Elizabeth,’ she insisted. ‘In fact, I had intended to persuade you to give up this present arrangement.’ She fell silent for a moment before going on quietly, ‘I want to come home, Elizabeth. I miss being with you.’

  ‘No! Oh, dear me, no.’ There was desperation in her voice. ‘I miss you too, but you must stay near him, at least for a while longer.’ She had not told her friend the truth. Her illness would develop. Soon, she would be at peace. Until then she must know his every move. She needed to live his life with him, if only through the eyes and ears of her dearest friend. Through shame and fear she had lost him once, a long time ago. She must not lose him again. ‘Please, Tilly. You know I wouldn’t ask you to do this unless it was important to me. Please, a while longer. You’ve been such a good and loyal friend to me all these years, and I know it was wrong of me to ask something so demanding of you, but…’ The tears threatened and she could not say the words.

  ‘All right, Elizabeth. I know what you’re trying to say.’ Miss Mulliver knew this woman like she knew herself, and loved her dearly. ‘Of course, I’ll do as you ask… for a while longer.’ She had long understood that it was not a healthy situation for any of them, and the sooner Elizabeth realised that, the better. She could have refused to go back to the Ward house, but she owed this woman everything. After her own parents died and she was left destitute, Elizabeth had found her wandering the streets. Out of the goodness of her heart, and perhaps because she also was lonely, she had taken Tilly home to be her companion. That was ten years ago. Since then the two of them had become almost inseparable. Until the day, some time back, when Elizabeth had discovered where Richard and Esther Ward lived.

  She had told Tilly the whole story, about the man she adored, and whose child she had brought into the world. She told about the shame, and the heartbreaking decision she was forced to make under duress. She revealed how, since that fateful day, her life had not been worth living… the loneliness, the bitter regrets and the lingering shame that rose above all else. When she saw the post of maid in general to Esther Ward advertised, she used all her powers of persuasion to convince Tilly that it would only be for a very short time: ‘Just so I know how he is… how my daughter Beth is faring.’ Against her better judgement, Tilly had agreed. Now she was afraid that Elizabeth’s initial interest had become a dangerous obsession.

  Today, though, was not a suitable time to raise the subject of it all coming to an end. Also, Tilly had decided that she could not now reveal the news she had brought with her this morning; shocking news, news that told how Richard had been cheated and deceived by his own wife… and devastating news of Beth… how she was not safe and happy with Tyler Blacklock, as they had first thought, and how she also had been betrayed, both by her own brother Ben, and by the woman who had raised her from a child.

  How could Tilly tell of these things? How could she explain the loathing in Esther Ward’s voice, and the awful contempt in which she held both Richard and Beth… the very people whom Elizabeth idolised? Tilly realised now that she could never tell her these things, and yet, she knew that the gentle Elizabeth had a right to know. But not now. She could not tell her yet; not until Elizabeth was completely strong again. With a sinking heart, she also realised that she must go on living with the Ward family, at least for now. And after all Elizabeth had done for her, heaven only knew it was little enough to ask in return. Besides, her own secret affection for Richard Ward was calling her back. And so she would return, to watch and listen, and to hope against hope that all would come well for both Richard and Beth. She smiled now, a smile that put her friend at ease. ‘I won’t let you down, Elizabeth,’ she said fondly. ‘You know that.’ And yet she felt bound to warn, ‘But, there has to come a time soon when you must let go of the past… or go to Richard and Beth with all that is in your heart.’

  Elizabeth shook her head, a great sadness on her. ‘I can’t go to them. I can never go to them.’

  ‘But why? I have never understood why.’

  ‘Because I sinned against them both all those years ago. I sinned and brought shame down on all of us. It was shame that crippled four lives.’ Now, when the memories poured over her, she faltered. ‘Shame is a terrible thing, Tilly. It never goes away. I have no right to intrude on their lives. Not now. Not ever.’ She would not be on this earth much longer. It was too late for confrontations. ‘But, oh, I do cherish the little things you tell me… the things he laughs, the way he strides out with pride. Wrong though it is, I still love him. You keep him alive in my heart. Through him… through you, my dearest friend, I have a purpose in living.’ As she spoke, joy brightened her face, and the love she still felt for this man was alive in her every word. ‘And Beth… so lovely, you say? So delightful. Sometimes, I would give everything just to let her know the truth.’ The tears coursed down her face. ‘She would never forgive me, and neither would Richard. I made my decision a long time ago, and now I have no rightful place in their lives. I’ve caused enough heartache. I won’t be the cause of any more.’

  ‘Oh, Elizabeth, Elizabeth!’ Embracing her friend, Tilly asked herself whether, given the same circumstances, she herself would have acted any differently? The answer was the same as on every previous occasion she had asked herself that question. When she was young and maybe a little wilful, Elizabeth had made what she deemed to be the right decision, and she had suffered because of it. Now, almost a quarter of a century later, she was suffering more than ever, because she could not forget, and because she needed to feel close to the ones she still loved. Who could blame her? Who could say she was wrong? Certainly not Tilly. She had her own shame, and could not rid herself of the guilt that came from loving a man who was not hers to love. She felt no wrong in inventing things to tell Elizabeth. If she could ease her pain, then she would gladly make any sacrifice that was asked of her. If it had not been for Elizabeth taking her in off the streets and giving her a home, then Tilly’s own life would have been empty. She adored Elizabeth, this good kind soul who had asked for little in return.

  ‘In a moment you can tell me all about Richard. But first, is Beth happy with her young man? What was his name… Tyler? Yes, that’s right. I remember now.’ Suddenly she was young again, living through her daughter, like every mother does. ‘And tell me again how she has a look of me.’ The questions spilled out excitedly and her dark eyes shone. ‘You will tell me everything, won’t you, Tilly? You won’t leave anything out?’

  ‘No, I won’t leave anything out.’ Her conscience pricked her as she went on to lie, telling Elizabeth everything she wanted to hear. Good and happy things that would not cause her heartache. Things that took her back to when she was young. Things that filled her with joy and drew her into the everyday lives of the two people she had loved for so many lonely years. Through her friend, Elizabeth captured so many dreams, building memories that were, by their very nature, second-hand. But she cherished them, and hung on every word that Tilly uttered.

  ‘Richard looks so proud and handsome,’ she related, and when it was said, it came from the heart, because it was what Tilly herself saw, the man whom Elizabeth had never stopped loving, and the man who had captured her own heart. When it came to telling Elizabeth about Beth, how she ‘seemed happy enough’, Tilly prayed it was so.

  Elizabeth listened with rapture to everyday incidents of family life. Richard and Beth were hers at last, the family she had been cruelly denied; because of love, and guilt and shame, they were closer now than they had ever been. Elizabeth had lost a lifetime of belonging. It was snatched from her by a woman without heart or conscience, a woman driven by greed. Esther Ward had more reason to be ashamed than her vulnerable sister Elizabet
h, for she had taken advantage of the forbidden love which had grown between Elizabeth and Richard, and she had never once opened her heart to the innocent girl-child who was born out of that love. Yet she saw only admirable virtues in herself, and badness in others.

  * * *

  ‘Liverpool!’ she cried with surprise. After they made love, he had left the warm bed and her possessive arms. Like so many times before, he had gone to the window where he stared out across the night sky, his thoughts a million miles away. When, sensing that he had left her alone in more ways than one, the woman asked him to come back to bed, he had not turned to look at her but instead remained silent a moment longer. After an agonising lull, he told her quietly, ‘So often I’ve left London, only to return, yet I can’t settle. For a long time now I’ve intended going North. There are growing opportunities there, especially in the major cities where, like London, the population is spilling into the suburbs. As yet the land is still relatively cheap. Its potential isn’t even tapped. So far I’ve been very fortunate in that I’ve been in the right place at the right time; buying land and property in a subdued market then selling it on when demand is high. There have been ups and downs, yes, but on the whole my fortunes have grown. There’s an auction in Liverpool soon. I’m tempted to attend.’ He nodded as though reassuring hirpself. ‘Yes, I have a good feeling about it.’ Clambering out of bed, the tall dark-haired woman flung a silk robe around her slim figure. Going to him, she wound her arms into his smoking-jacket and snaked them about his naked body. ‘I love you,’ she murmured.

  He smiled into her eyes, his heart filled with kindness and gratitude; but not love. He could never love any other woman. Not when Beth was so alive in his mind. ‘I know,’ he whispered.