FEAST OF MEN

by Ayn Dillard

  “I understand from my last marriage, what a nightmare an ex-wife can be. I don’t know what’s going to happen or what to do, but I guess it’ll work out some way. If it’s supposed to, it’ll work out. I’m not putting myself though any ex-wife drama traumas again for any man.”

  “Just curious, what really did happen with David?” sarcastically, “You know, the man, I took you to the airport to visit?”

  “He was okay. I had a nice time but there was absolutely no connection and certainly no physical one. He’s overweight, emotionally immature and talked continually about having meaningless sex.”

  “Disgusting.”

  “Pretty much, yes—disgusting and perhaps, the real reason that I made the trip was to meet Boyd. Maggie, I’m well aware of how crazy this all seems. It’s like some romance novel or movie. I’ve never felt this kind of an immediate attraction ever before, came close with Richard, but never as quickly and intense as this. It’s as if I’ve known him all of my life. When I look into his eyes, it’s as if I’m looking into my own.”

  “I understand. You know I do. This is what you’ve been looking for. I know because it’s like Brian and me. The only difference is we were both just getting out of marriages. Since you’re single, you’ll need to be even more careful. I certainly don’t want you to get hurt again.”

  “I understand. I don’t think I could live through hurt again. This whole thing is so unlike me and is insanity. Jumping out of an airplane with a man I just met.”

  “Where does the guy live and does, he have kids?”

  “He lives in the Park Cities, close to where Rosemary lives, I believe? He has four kids, two older boys from his first marriage. They live in Seattle, then two younger—a girl and a boy from this marriage. The girl’s nine and the little boy is six.”

  “Remember, what you said about not wanting to deal with anyone’s’ kids after that last ordeal?”

  “Sure, I remember. Except I guess, when it happens, it just happens. I love kids anyway. I don’t have any answers. Geez, can you really fall in love this quickly?”

  “Well, Brian and I did and it’s worked out great. I never thought I’d have four stepchildren plus my own two. After we worked all the kinks out, it’s been great, busy and stressful but great. I wouldn’t change or give up one minute of it.”

  “You’re a great step mom, Maggie. Brian’s lucky to have you. So, I’ll just have to wait and see. But, I will not have an affair with a married man. That whole idea disgusts me totally.”

  “So, don’t.”

  “I won’t. Perhaps, we can just have lunch once a month or so, until he’s divorced. I just don’t know what to do or how to handle this?” laugh nervously.

  “Be careful for you and for him, but especially for you. You deserve everything wonderful and have been though too much to be hurt ever again.”

  “I can’t wait for you to meet him because you and Brian will like him. We’ll have a lot of fun together—someday.”

  While talking to Maggie, I walk into the hallway to pick up Boyd’s glasses. Just as I do this, call-waiting buzzes in.

  “Maggie, just a minute.” I click over.

  “Hello.”

  It’s Boyd excited, “Natalie hi, I am so glad you’re home. It’s so good to hear your voice—am headed your way and really, really want to see you.”

  “I’d just picked up your glasses, when you called. They’re in my hand now and Maggie’s holding on the phone.”

  “What does she say about all this?”

  “That this is the craziest thing, I’ve ever done, to be careful and she wants me to be happy.”

  “She’s right. Okay, finish talking with her. Here’s my cell number then call me back.”

  “Okay.”

  I click back. “Maggie, it was Boyd and he’s on his way over.

  She responds, “Okay, have fun and call me later.”

  I dial Boyd’s number as my anticipation builds to see him again. I want to understand why I feel this strongly and so quickly. Will it go away just as fast as it arrived or is it for real? In some ways, I want my feelings for Boyd to disappear because the whole thing’s so overwhelming and isn’t like me. Then in other ways, I have fear that they will go away and I’ll be left without this wonderful feeling. I’ll be alone again with loss of hope and out of love. My emotions are flying everywhere and out of control.

  “Hello.”

  “Hi, it’s me.”

  “Hello my darlin’. Natalie, I was thinking, I got so excited when you were home. I got excited when you just answered the phone. You, just being home and answering the phone made my heart race. It’s like I’m sixteen and just hearing your voice excites me. Why am I so excited just because you’re home when I call?”

  Laugh excitedly, “Don’t know, maybe you’re crazy about me. I’m looking forward to seeing you, too. Where are you now?”

  “Almost to your house, am getting off the toll road at Park, you’re going to need to guide me in, darlin’. I was so excited and tired last night that now I can’t remember how to get to your house.”

  “Okay, I’ll be the control tower guiding you in, Captain.” We stay on the phone until he’s in front of my house. I stand at my front door on the phone talking to him and watch while he’s sitting in his truck talking to me. He turns towards my house and sees me. He quickly opens his door, gets out and laughingly shouts. “Guess, I can hang up now, huh? Gosh, you look so pretty just standing there and it’s so good to see you.”

  Watching him walk up my front walk smiling is like a dream. He’s wearing a plaid flannel shirt and carrying his flight jacket from last night. We hug and kiss as I strongly realize the magic is still here. My gosh—it’s as strong if not stronger than yesterday.

  He puts his airline jacket on the back of a chair, “This is for you, darlin’. It’s the jacket you wore all day yesterday.”

  “The same one—thank you so much.” Thinking, I feel so glad he’s here but also, feel fear and suspicion.

  “Girls will sometimes wear airline jackets with leggings and jeans. It looks really cute.”

  “Exactly, what I have in mind. Would you like something to drink?” We walk to the kitchen with our arms around one another as if we’ve been together for forever. I pour myself a Perrier and Boyd gets one of his beers. Staring at each other, we pick up our non-stop talking where we left off last night as if we’d never been apart.

  “I told my wife I’d be home at six, got to get to bed by eight, in order to be on my way to the airport at four. It’s called a ‘duodenal’ and it’s rough, but I will be back late Friday. God, I’m glad to see you, Natalie.”

  I laugh like a child in amazement at the joy I feel inside. “I’m glad to see you, too.”

  “Natalie, on Saturday, I’ll need to bring my clothes to your house then change for dinner here. Is that alright with you?”

  I look at the floor as I listen to him. He continues talking while looking intently at me, “Will that be okay with you, honey?”

  I look down, don’t answer and think, this is hiding and lying. It doesn’t feel good and isn’t me. What am I doing?

  Closely observing me, he nervously continues. “I... I don’t know what else to do? I need to have my wife think, I’m out of town. Is that okay with you? Is it okay if I shower and change here for dinner that night? Or, I guess, I could arrange for something else? What do you think? Would it work if I changed my clothes here?”

  I continue looking down as I feel his eyes searching hard for my thoughts, while I search for the appropriate response. “I’m glad to see you, but not glad you had to lie to see me.”

  He replies in a serious tone, “I like what you just said and you’re right. I don’t want to be telling lies in order to see you. Only, I do want to see you, Natalie. I want to see you and be near you always.”

  I hop up to sit on the counter with my feet dangling as I continue talking. “I want us to be real and honest, Boyd. Anything less doesn’t f
eel right to me and I can’t do it. I don’t want a relationship that’s based on lies.”

  From across the kitchen, he looks intently into my eyes. “That’s what I want, too. I’ve been thinking about the holidays. Christmas is really important to me.”

  “Christmas is important to me too, Boyd. I love Christmas.” As I think, but why bring up Christmas now?

  “I usually put my tree up Thanksgiving then leave it until after New Years. I’ll have to be with my kids for the holidays this year. I need to keep this whole thing as normal as I can throughout the holidays. I promise, if we’re apart this year, we’ll be together next year and each year forever after. Can you handle that? This will be the last Christmas we’re ever apart. Or, perhaps we could...”

  I listen intently staring into his face. God, he looks troubled as he searches my face for my feelings. I think, will I have to be alone again this Christmas? Oh God please, not alone at Christmas again. How can I be in love and not be with him at Christmas? Why do the holidays always have to be so painful for me? Why did I meet a man, I finally want to be with and have him be in this situation? My heart feels as if it’s breaking. Reality is hitting me hard and fast and I don’t like it at all.

  “Or we could just all go skiing.” I quickly suggest.

  Excited, “Yes, that’s what I was just getting ready to say. Already thought about that as a solution, we could just all go skiing. I don’t know what to do, Natalie? I just don’t know what to do. I met you too soon, darlin’. I love you and want to be with you, but I must be smart getting out of this marriage. I have to do what’s right and fair to everyone. My children must be thought of first. Or I could fly at Christmas? I could just work. They’re always looking for guys who’ll work the holidays. I could just fly.” His words are so full of questions.

  “No, no, you have two little children and they need to be with their daddy at Christmas. It’d make me feel bad inside to think you weren’t with your children for the holidays, but this isn’t fair to me. I guess, we’ll figure something out eventually.” I jump down off the kitchen counter. I just can’t deal with all this right now.

  He says, “Darlin’ I’ll have my children to hug and keep me company and you’ll be alone. I know it isn’t fair.”

  “Yes, I’ll be all alone at Christmas.”

  “Natalie, please don’t say that. I can’t stand for you to say that.”

  “Why not, it’s true?”

  “Where—where are my glasses and my book?”

  “They’re on the chair in the entry hall.” I walk to the entry and Boyd follows.

  “This is a great house, Natalie.”

  “Thanks, I love it. My stepdaughter and niece used to roller skate in these hallways on the tile areas.”

  “Roller skating in the house—don’t know, if I could stand that.”

  “They wore those plastic Barbie skates and I made them stay on the tile. It was fun for them.”

  “You’re better with kids than me. I couldn’t put up with any roller skating in the house.”

  He puts his glasses on and picks up my manuscript, “I am looking forward to reading this.”

  As I walk into my bedroom which is just off the entry hall, I confess. “Boyd, I called your house earlier today. I don’t know why—just did. I guess, to see if you were real. A little girl’s voice was on the answering machine.”

  “Yes, my daughter, Natasha, I helped her make that message.”

  “Boyd, it was your daughter. Your daughter, Boyd! I felt awful, really awful. You have a daughter, a wife...” Feeling sick inside, I sit down on the edge of my bed. It’s a modern bed made of solid Teakwood and sits low to the floor. With a frown on his face, Boyd begins to sit down beside me, but instead his butt touches the edge of the bed then he slides to the floor. It’s as if he is thinking, ‘bed, I shouldn’t be sitting on her bed’. Watching him do this, I silently laugh as I think, why are we even in my bedroom and why do I feel so comfortable with him? In some regards, it feels as if we live here together and are just discussing what to do for the holidays. Of course, until we remember, the disaster part—where we don’t know what to do with his ‘wife’.

  “Boyd, did you mean to slide to the floor or did you slip?”

  He doesn’t answer as he sits on the floor beside my bed deep in thought. So, I sit on the floor in front of him with our legs overlapping and we begin talking again. Stressful decisions are temporarily forgotten because like two-crazy-kids in love, we stare into each other’s eyes.

  Boyd, in one of my books, the last line is, ‘Daddy throws me in the air and I learn how to fly.’ The way we met is the perfect ending. I jumped out of an airplane into my true love’s arms.”

  We laugh in unison, I continue, “Isn’t it amazing? A producer friend told me that I need a happy ending for my story and this could be it. Only I guess, we really don’t know the ending yet.”

  He comments, “I look forward to reading your books.”

  I take a ‘spiritual guidance’ book off the nightstand. “Boyd, I use this book for guidance and this is the message it opened to last night when I asked for a message for our day.”

  Boyd reads the quotation out loud, “’Every moment of your life is infinitely creative and the universe is endlessly bountiful. Just put forth a clear enough request and everything your heart desires must come to you.’ “Wow, this is great. Just like I said, ‘seize the moment’. Remember, Natalie? ‘Seize the moment’.”

  “It’s also exactly what I asked walking on the beach Sunday. While looking up at the sky, I prayed to God to smack us into one another in some magical way—to just make it happen.”

  He adds, “This is also what I said about seizing the moment.”

  “Yes, it pretty much does and I did seize the moment, Boyd. I jumped out of an airplane into your arms—if that’s not seizing the moment, I don’t know what is?”

  He laughs through a smile, “Yeah, you did and I am so grateful that you did—I just don’t want—I hope that I don’t do anything to mess this up for us.”

  “Seize the moment—still kind of sounds like a handsome airline pilot trying to get a girl into bed.”

  Full of frustration, “I am not going to make love to you until it’s really right for us and we have a long time to spend together because I’m not just trying to get you into bed. How can you even think that? I want you forever. You talk too much about all this spiritual stuff and about God. I’m probably an agnostic, anyway.”

  “Really, how can you say that? When God, the universe, something magic is what brought us together. Does it really bother you that I’m into spiritual stuff and God?”

  “No, it doesn’t bother me, but I say the way we met was just luck or good timing. Except Natalie, you know, God really fucked up because I met you too soon. We met too damn soon. I should’ve met you in April.”

  “Boyd, we were in the same place at the same time, you approached me. We just met when we met. How else could we have met? We’ve lived in nearly the same area for years, but met at LAX. The universe created it so that we’d be together on an airplane that very day, at that very time and then the weather forced the plane to divert. Not only were we given the opportunity to meet, but to spend time together—the magic of coincidences. What about your statement about what pilots say when all things come together—that it must be ‘God damn fucking magic’? What about that? You must feel there’s some magic, a universal something, or a God of some kind? You must feel there’s some sort of higher source—where we come from—then go back to and that looks over us in some manner or form.”

  “I think there’s magic and just plain luck. That’s all.”

  “Well, where does magic come from?”

  “Not sure, don’t know and don’t care. The whole church thing bothers me. As if going to church really does anything. Some of the worst people, I know are the biggest church goers—total hypocrisy.”

  “I agree, but I am talking about a spiritual connection to
our source, not religion. I believe spirituality is of God and most of the so-called religious stuff is of man. Organized religions are mostly one group of people trying to tell other people what to do. It’s used to control the masses. Most religions seem to focus on the fear of God’s judgment. To me, God and spirituality are more about loving one another, not fear and judgment. It’s about trust and faith. You really can’t love others, until you can love yourself. It’s not about control, but freedom and love. It’s about our individual connection to our higher self, our God self, or universal laws. Ultimately, I believe we’re all responsible for our own souls.”

  He says, “What about all the bad things that happen in the world? Where’s the loving God then? If there’s a God, why would all the bad things happen like with the weather, the tornadoes, the storms and all the destruction? I once saw a woman blown up in front of her children. Where was God then? Did those children deserve to see that? Did their mother deserve to be blown up? This is why I don’t believe in God because of all the horrible things that happen in this world.”

  “There has always been good and evil—to recognize the dark side and our reaction to it—is perhaps, what defines our light. It’s the duality on our planet. The choice is either to become bitter, angry, or negative in the face of darkness, or to be loving and helpful and to bring either good or I guess, even more evil to whatever the circumstances may be. The choices we make everyday concerning darkness will define our character in regards to the light. Isn’t the finest steel refined by intense heat? Why blame God? If you can’t accept God does good, why blame the bad on God? Why not look to man as the one deciding? The evil in this world has nothing to do with God or love. The weather’s controlled by the pull from the moon, the sun and the ocean. The energy of the universe creates the weather.”

  Sarcastically, “Natalie, good grief the weather is a big part of my business. Don’t you think I know what causes it? But did those children have any choice? They were just little children. Why’d they have to see their mother die? What did it accomplish? It made me sick.”

  “Perhaps, they chose to experience the bad, the pain, to help others recognize and appreciate the good and the joyful? Perhaps, they had no choice because it was in their destiny path.”