by Leanne Davis
There was something so rare and different in how she felt about Finn.
Jacob lounged in a recliner and stared at his phone when Brianna walked past to get some food. He glanced up at her. Having showed up without any warning, Jacob offered no reason for why he was there. Her mom received him with a stony face, giving him a half-hug and forbidding him from using drugs or alcohol. He asked if he could stay for a few days.
Brianna still didn’t know what was going on with him after he disappeared for several weeks. He was severely thin and had no explanation, which was usual for him. He insisted he had to say goodbye to Cami. Brianna knew about his special soft spot for their mutual friend. And that was another reason it was so sad that Cami was leaving the fucking continent. She might have been the only one who could have saved Jacob from spiraling down into the sordid world of addiction. Of course, no one could put an end to it but Jacob. Were they enabling him? She was familiar with the theory, but it was so much harder when the person addicted was your loved one. Not that she knew his drug of choice or anything else about him.
He certainly wasn’t confiding in her.
In the past, Brianna wondered if Jacob had a crush on Cami, but he never really opened up to her so she never felt comfortable asking.
Jacob lunged to his feet and followed her into the kitchen. “You screwing that deaf guy?”
Brianna flipped around, her fist clenched. “In the first place, his name is Finn, not ‘that deaf guy.’ God. Why do you have to be such a classless jerk? Remember, I’m your sister. Can’t you ever show some respect to me?”
Eye roll. “Brianna, you’re not a little girl. You’re a grown-assed woman. So what if you have sex. So what? Just asking if you were or not. Just being nosy.”
“No. He’s my friend. And I’d appreciate if you’d try to treat him as such. Instead of behaving the way Dawson and Tyrell acted towards me.”
“Again, I just wondered.”
She crossed her arms over her chest, giving him a severe eye roll. “You made a bet with Dawson, didn’t you?” His smirk grew wider. She shoved past him. “You are such a juvenile prick. Both of you. I would consider myself lucky to have a gentleman like Finn who wouldn’t make bets about who I’m sleeping with.”
Jacob’s laugh followed her before he called out, “He might be deaf, Bri, but he’s also a twenty-something guy. I’ve seen the way he looks at you, and trust me, big sis, the thought of fucking you has already entered your sweet Finn’s quiet brain.”
She turned around and hissed at him, “Oh, my God. You are such a barbarian.”
“Just sayin’ Finn likes you.”
“You could have tastefully and kindly said it without making a bet on me.”
“Well, damn what fun is in that? Besides, I do know you. I won.” Smiling, he saluted her and left the room.
She gritted her teeth and began staring out the window toward the barn where Finn worked. Her brother’s crude words echoed in her brain and made her wonder if Finn did look at her as more than just a friend? She assumed he probably wouldn’t because he didn’t talk like that. But then again, he had no one to talk that way with. No one but her. He was totally alone. No guy friends. What if there were some sexual interest in her? Did she want that? Her sharp-eyed brother was usually perceptive and never hesitated to announce his observations, whether good or bad, he always said them. She might have been offended but what if he were right?
Her heart blipped when she thought maybe.
She waited a while longer before crossing the road to go down towards the rescue barn. She watched Finn working with a horse in one of the smaller enclosures. The horse was frightened and skittish. With wild, widened eyes, the steam seem to pour from its nostrils like smoke from a dragon. Finn handled the horse with infinite patience and care. Slowly saddling the untamed steed, he led the horse around in a circle and often stopped just to pet it. He also talked to it very softly. On and on, the process went and Brianna sat far enough away so she would not interrupt him. She took a few pictures. These were golden if only she could manage to catch the right light.
He noticed her and nodded at her. She got to her feet and approached the fence.
“Horse whispering?”
He nodded. “Kind of. This one is a real challenge and she still shies whenever we get near her. Took over a month just to get her saddled. I’m trying to coax her into letting me get on top of her… but I think she needs more time. She will eventually.”
“I’ve never seen you doing this kind of work.”
“That’s all I do when you’re not around. About seven and a half hours a day.” He smiled to diminish his sarcasm. She inclined her head.
“Okay, fair point. I’d love to hear more about it… I mean, you…” she wavered. That kiss loomed in her mind. She blushed and fought the urge to duck her head down. She could not do that if she expected him to talk to her.
Their eyes squarely fastened on each other, he said, “Come in. I can show you some of what I do.”
She followed the fence to the gate and stepped inside the arena. Flip-flops and all. He scowled at her footwear and said, “You could try wearing more appropriate shoes.”
“It’s too hot. I have air conditioning at home but sadly lack the organic pleasure and unique aroma of livestock. So… who’s this?”
Finn nodded towards the horse and told her the mare’s name and the sad circumstances that brought her to the rescue. It reminded Brianna of some of the tragic case files Cami used to tell her about when she worked with the foster kids at Shield Shelter. She followed him through the barn and passed the different stalls. Most of the horses’ issues were pretty serious: fearful behavior, lack of trust toward humans, a few minor medical problems, and many socializing problems. Brianna compared many of the poor horses to abused, scarred, scared, little children. It nearly broke her heart when she realized how helpless the horses were. Some could only stare at her with fear-widened eyes, despite being safe and well cared for at the Rescue. The key ingredient they still lacked was trust.
No wonder Jack insisted on establishing it.
Finn talked longer than Brianna ever heard him before. His intimate knowledge of every single horse they had in their care seemed endless. She listened to his voice, growing more interested and kind of star-struck simply because he never talked so much. Was it because of the subject matter? Or was he finally growing comfortable with her presence? She obviously hoped it was a combination of both and not just the former.
He worked and explained to her what he was doing. He eventually washed his hands at the sink in the center of the barn, drying them off and walking towards her.
She nodded at him. “I’m going to put all the stuff you told me on their website. They really need to beef it up. There’s plenty to brag about here: the ranch, the resort and now, the horse rescue. Some donors are animal lovers looking for new ways to feel good about themselves. They’re loaded with money that they’re just itching to give away. Did they tell you about the camp? Or that I run it now?”
He nodded. “Jack told me something about it… but not that you were running it.”
She explained why and added all the ideas she had in her mind to expand it. He tilted his head. “You really know how to do all of that?” They kept talking while they walked until they were strolling along the beach, just beyond the rescue barn. There were lots of rocks and a few spots of sand but the river was rougher now and had rapids in some spots. They both sat down.
“I really do. Just ask my financial planner.”
“Sure, Brianna. I’ll be sure and ask your financial planner at my earliest convenience.” He grinned. She realized he thought she was being sarcastic but she left it at that. She was almost blushing, considering it wasn’t a joke. But no one likes to hear boring details about stuff like that. She stretched her legs out. They were facing each other, which was awkward at first. Most of the time, it was more natural to sit side-by-side. But this was the only way they could talk, w
hich made it infinitely more important.
He pulled his leg up and rested an elbow on his knee, staring out. Without a word or any hint of that kiss. Not yet. She couldn’t find the words. She wasn’t really sure what to say now. Maybe they could pretend it didn’t happen. Maybe he didn’t like it. Maybe…
There were so many maybes.
“Cami leaves in two weeks.”
He didn’t catch what she said and his eyebrows rose. She said it again and he nodded. “Sorry, that’s going to be hard on you. I can see how much you adore her.”
“I do. It’s why my brother came home. To say goodbye to her. Was my brother okay to you?”
“He was like anyone at a first introduction. He didn’t go out of his way to talk to me, but he also didn’t act weird just because I’m deaf.”
“Good. Allow me to describe him. Rude. Crude. Opinionated. Negative. And usually a jerk, but it’s egalitarian. By that I mean, he doesn’t discriminate with the people he acts like that to. He’s just a total shithead to everybody. Do you know what I mean?”
He nodded. “I’m probably a bit like that too.”
Startled, she widened her eyes. “Oh, my God. You are. That’s probably why I got used to you so fast. Except you reserve your comments and don’t say much. You are a lot like my brother though. Huh. Interesting.”
Finn glanced at the setting sun. “I’m hungry and I need to shower. Haven’t eaten since morning… so…”
She got to her feet. “All right. I can take a hint. Tomorrow?”
He nodded. “Sure.”
She smiled and stared for a long, lingering moment, then turned and left.
Many days passed like that. She liked to visit him and hear the snippets about his work. She enjoyed telling him what she sold that day as well as outlining a rough marketing plan for the rescue/ranch/resort and camp. Despite the talk about their days, she only learned a few details about his life before he came there. Small morsels again. Nothing much.
She hungered for so much more.
Her outgoing, unusually forward way of flirting and talking and bonding, with guys or girls, normally worked for her. She struggled with Finn. She couldn’t find her bearings. She couldn’t understand why it was so hard for her to get used to him. Or why she looked forward to four-thirty every day. That was exactly a half hour before he finished work. She hurried down to the barn so she could watch him finishing up his chores. Sometimes they talked, or she waited out front for him and they’d spend several hours together. She never ate dinner before nine anymore. They walked down to the beach most often. Cami appeared there many evenings when she was out looking for Brianna. Brianna was so glad Cami and Finn spent time together. She wanted them to know each other better. Why was that so important to Brianna? She had no answer.
****
Google changed her life.
Finn piqued her curiosity and she had an undying interest in him. There was so much in daily life that was different for him because of his deafness. She never realized how much she took for granted. One night, she went home and changed her clothes and sat on her bed. After she opened her search engine, she stayed up half the night. Her life was changed forever after that. Her attitude rocked.
Holy shit. What Finn endured horrified her. And then to run into an obnoxious idiot like her. She was ashamed of herself after spending only a few hours trying to understand the world from Finn’s viewpoint. The guilt stabbed her heart and she regretted how she’d come off to him and what she said and did. She should have studied it right off, and learned more about it and educated herself. She should have been a better friend, so much better.
But there was no time like the present. She paced the day away and resisted the impulse to interrupt his work. That wasn’t fair or respectful. She planned to catch him right when he was done, which felt like forever. Patience and forbearance were not her best qualities. But this was worth it.
Racing across the road towards the rescue barn, she grabbed the door and all but skidded around the corner only to bump directly into him again. She bounced off him with an “Oof!” as she fell back on her butt. “Not again,” she mumbled, glancing upwards.
This time, Finn smiled at her. He managed to read her lips because she waited until he was looking at her. She rubbed her head at the jarring run-in.
“Hello, Brianna.”
“Hello, Finn,” she said sheepishly. He held his hand out to her. She took it and he easily pulled her to her feet.
“Where’s the fire?”
She grinned. “You. You’re the fire.”
Visibly intrigued, the now weary barrier seemed to rise between them. “What?”
She took his hand. “Sit. Here.”
He did. She placed him on a log out in front of the barn. She turned so they were eye-to-eye.
“I’m sorry.”
“What for this time?”
She shook her head, biting her lip, and tears filled her eyes. “I had no idea what you were faced with…”
“I assume we’re not talking about my job with the horses, but my being deaf?”
She nodded vigorously and took out her phone. She quickly reloaded what she’d seen that so morphed her world. “Here.”
He took her phone and glanced down and watched it. His features were puzzled and then they cleared. He finished the video before handing it back to her. “It’s an attempt to replicate what you experience…” She licked her lips nervously. “Oh, my God, Finn. I had no idea it was like that. Is it really?”
The video he watched showed a bunch of people speaking. It started with them speaking out loud and then the sound slowly faded down to nothing, yet their lips kept moving. The challenge was to read (more like guess) what they were saying. Brianna tried. And she tried. And she tried again, but never once got anything they said correctly. The changes in lighting, and the people constantly turning their heads this way and that, all mimicking real life circumstances, made it nearly impossible. More than anything, it brutally revealed what Finn went through in EVERY single interaction he had with her and everyone else. It broke her heart and freaked her out. All she could do was keep wondering, how could he possible communicate like that?
Finn made it seem effortless, so Brianna easily forgot how hard it was. He used it effectively and awed her with his skills after she tried and failed so epically.
He nodded. “It’s pretty close to what I experience. That video gained a lot of popularity a few years back.”
“I’m such a bitch.”
He tilted his head. “How do you possibly figure that?”
“I talk too fast. I couldn’t understand a single thing they said, not one word at all.”
His forehead scrunched up. “Well, why should you?”
“Because you have to.”
“You’re not deaf. You don’t have to. Why are you worrying about this?”
“Because it’s not fair. And I didn’t know before. I had no idea it was so hard. Do you have any idea how talented you are at this?”
“It’s not talent. It’s survival. I had no choice. My guardian refused to speak to me, Brianna. I was a kid and I needed to speak to him so I had to learn how to do it.”
“It’s so wrong though. You had no choice. Being forced to try and decipher what everyone around you is saying, me included, is just cruel.”
“Well, if you knew sign language I’d use that…”
“But I don’t know sign language.”
“Most hearing people don’t.”
“We should though.”
“For all the deaf people you have yet to meet?” His body was pressed against hers. “Hey, it’s okay. None of that is new for me.”
“Stop being funny. And no. This isn’t right. And it’s so impossible. How do you do it? I tried so many times… I watched several of these but it never got easier. I couldn’t understand a word anyone said. Not a single word.” Tears filled her eyes. His gaze darted up to them before going back to her mouth.
�
�Years, Brianna. I’ve been doing it for years out of necessity. I have to. Besides, you see the rate of accuracy…”
“You’re nothing less than amazing. I mean it. I couldn’t even figure out one short sentence. I must exhaust you. See? Here I go again. I need to shut up. I can’t keep talking on and on. But I do because I forget. I forget you’re deaf and I make you work so hard to hear my stupid ramblings.”
“They aren’t stupid. Not to me.”
“I should stop. I should have realized before. I’m so insensitive. I’ll stop. I’ll—”
Leaning forward, his mouth covered hers. She blinked wide in surprise to find him suddenly kissing her but she quickly and fully melted into it. His mouth was warm and soft as he kissed her with a hunger that thrilled all of her senses. She made a small sound in the back of her throat to convey her desire before she realized he couldn’t hear it. She inched closer to him and slid her hands around his neck, going behind his ears. Her fingers combed through the bristles of his hair, and she tilted her head when his tongue touched the seam of her mouth. She easily opened her mouth to let his tongue enter and find hers. His arm snaked out to encircle her waist as he pulled her closer to him.
When his mouth lifted off hers, she unashamedly followed it upwards. Her eyelids fluttered open when she realized what she was doing. She flushed as she stared at him. His kiss was intoxicating. Demanding, yet gentle. Hungry, yet reserved.
She blinked a few more times. “Is that your way of shutting me up?”
Seeing his lips smile made her heart thump harder. He didn’t smile often. Or even appear approachable. Maybe that was why she found him so intimidating… Yet, here she was now, kissing him.
“Don’t.” He leaned his forehead on hers for a long moment. Then he lifted up so he could see her face.
“Don’t what, Finn?”
“Don’t stop talking. You’re the only person that talks to me.”