by Leanne Davis
“But all this stuff…”
“It’s someone else’s stuff. It’s true and all. But it doesn’t mean you should stop being… you.”
“I don’t exhaust you?”
“You do.” He shrugged. “But I can’t imagine you doing less. Or talking less. You wouldn’t be Brianna then, would you?”
“Some people would say that’s a good thing.”
“I wouldn’t.”
Her gaze started on his forehead and descended to his eyes before dropping down to his lips. “I don’t know how you do it. My respect for you soared so high and then, my…”
“Pity?”
She nodded. Her eyeballs darted upwards before dropping down as she blushed. But she couldn’t bury her head and talk. “It seems like you sneer at that word.”
“Yes.”
She smiled. “You’re always so forward. Succinct. Maybe it’s pity. But I can’t seem to find any pity for you, Finn. It’s just not like that. I don’t see you like that.”
His hand came up to her hair. He slid his thumb and forefinger along a strand as he gently pushed it over her shoulder. “How do you see me?”
“As you are.” She shrugged. “I mean, I don’t know you… not really yet. But what I know of you, is very… distinct.”
“Distinct. That’s an odd description for me.”
“It’s as close to describing you as I can think of.”
She leaned back and suddenly pulled her phone out. Typing quickly, she handed him her phone and nodded at it. “Put your number in.”
He pushed her hand back. “I have no one to call.”
Her mouth dropped open. “You don’t have a phone?”
He shook his head.
She quickly typed and handed him the phone. Her message said, I thought we could talk easier this way.
He pushed it back her way. “When it’s dark we can do it. Otherwise, I can figure out what you’re saying. You’re looking at me a lot more often when you speak. Going slower and clearly enunciating helps too, like you can’t believe. It’s kind of like speech-to-text software: the more you talk to me, the faster I recognize how you speak and can interpret it.” He gave her a small smile. “At least, that’s what I understand.”
“I don’t want to make it harder for you.”
“It already is harder for me. But I like talking to you.”
She touched his hand. “You really don’t have any phone?”
“Really. Who would I text?”
“Me. You’ll text me. And others. There are plenty of friends to meet in the world. It would be so much easier, especially at night; we could talk. How do you make appointments and the like if not by text or email?”
“I do use email. I have a computer. Or I go in physically and make it.” He shrugged. “I saved the expense. I know it’s a better way but I’ve never really had any need for it.”
“Finn, are you really that alone?” Brianna’s voice came out like a tortured whisper, but he couldn’t hear that. Or know it. As for the big-eyed look she was sure she had on her face from her truly, compassionate concern that anyone had to live alone in this world, she could not hide that from him. Not just alone, but alone in a silent world. Unable to communicate like most of the population, Finn was missing a key sense, one that provided early alerts to dangers and other basic interactions. People, as a rule, just assume everyone can hear without exception. Brianna wondered how many times his lack of response was perceived as rudeness? How many strangers thought he was uncaring? And how to compensate for the tragic loss of his family only to live as an outcast and fit in nowhere else. Finn had no one to advocate for him as a kid or help him navigate through life. He was left completely and utterly alone. Her heart twisted and sorely ached for him.
A casual shrug was the only answer to her questions. She was sure he was trying to deflect her concerns. “Yeah. I just communicate with the people I work with. As you already know, that’s minimal so I haven’t required much and certainly, no need for a phone. I got a laptop; I can get online and use email or whatever. I avoid all social media. I just don’t have anyone to…”
Brianna suddenly put her hands on his shoulder and pulled her body closer to his. Standing up on her tiptoes, she snuggled into him and pressed her body as tightly as she could against his. She crossed her arms and hands over his back and kissed the side of his neck. His entire body straightened and tensed and she worried he wanted to fling her off him and move away from her. But instead, he simply nodded, which broke her heart in half. She didn’t have a damn clue what his life was like. She wanted to kick herself for not realizing that until now. She had no understanding of how complicated it was. She cringed when she wondered how much more she had missed about this man. And yet, he tried to downplay it. He knew he couldn’t totally avoid people realizing he was deaf and therefore, different, but he tried damned hard to. Staying out of people’s sight, he hoped to also be out of their minds.
But that didn’t make it okay. No human being should be doomed to live in isolation. All alone in silence. She imagined Finn passing entire days without any communication with anyone. If it were the anomaly, it would have been acceptable, but even his job sequestered him, and human interactions were the true anomaly.
His hands hesitated. He wasn’t entirely sure of what she was doing. Hugging him? Was he nervous just because it was her? Or would he have been that way with anyone in general? Probably both. How could the man trust anyone, when there was no one he was close to in his life? No friends. No family. No acquaintances even. She shuddered at the thought. She could not begin to imagine how lonely he was. Or how quiet his whole life had been. Brianna thrived when she connected with people. Part of why she was hugging him now. The quickest, most potent way to convey how she felt towards him. She was nearly overwhelmed by her compassion, concern and heartbreak. It was mixed with undeniable attraction and the urge to take care of him. Swirling emotions churned up her guts and radiated from her in the strength of her arms holding him.
Leaning back since there was no way to talk with him without establishing direct eye-to-eye contact or rather, eye-to-mouth contact, she prepared to speak.
“We’ve kissed now several times…” she blushed as she muttered it. But she couldn’t help it. Of course, it was only because she kissed Finn. She hadn’t blushed about kissing since the seventh grade when she kissed her boyfriend at the school dance. Since then, more than a dozen boys had kissed her but none of them ever made her blush. That was because none of them mattered in the least to her. “Does it mean anything to you? Anything at all?”
His eyes sparked and jumped off her lips to her eyes when she said that. His startled reaction shone in their blue depths. “Mean anything to me? The real question is: does it mean anything to you?”
Brianna scrunched her face up. “Of course it does. How can you question that? Unless you took what Dawson said at face value?”
“No. It’s because you are the most attractive woman I’ve ever laid eyes on. Just basic human nature. You’d generate a lot of interest in you from anyone with a pulse. Guy or girl.”
“Oh.” Placated and surprised by his compliment, she tilted her head. “Did you kiss me because you think I’m attractive or because you actually like me?”
“Both.” His eyes glistened and his nostrils flared but she desperately needed more from him. She wanted to understand. She needed more communication. A tone of voice would have helped a lot. But she had to make do with a word. From a monotone voice.
“Both,” she repeated, nodding and adding, “good.”
“Is it good?” He pushed her away from his body. “I really don’t need this.”
“Need what?” Puzzled and confused, she stared at him in astonishment. Was he referring to sex? Of course he needed it. Everyone did at some point, but that wasn’t what she was offering. Not even close to it. She was trying to make sense of the mind-altering kisses they shared. Unlike anything she was used to, she couldn’t explain how she
felt or categorize it. “Someone who truly cares about you? Someone who cares whether or not you’re alive? Judging from my perspective, you need me more than anyone has ever needed anyone.”
He set his hands on her waist and pushed her back. “Look. I’m not the kind of guy you can date and mess around with. It’s not what I want and I don’t need it.”
Ashamed by what he believed was her erroneous assumption, he dropped his head. She stared at him with her mouth hanging open in disbelief. He assumed she often dated and was just playing with him. He failed to grasp the fact that she didn’t play games like he seemed to think she did. In the past, she may have flirted with him, but she was no game player with her emotions or anybody else’s. She sensed he thought she was, however.
Grabbing the front of his shirt in her fist, she leaned closer until her lips were directly in view but not so close as to make him cross-eyed. She intended to make her point distinct and wanted to be sure Finn heard.
“You need me.”
She could have tried to convince him she wasn’t a user or abuser or slutty or whatever derogatory label he had in his head about her. But the bottom line came down to that. “You see no one. You hear no one. That is strictly by your own choice. Except me. You hear me.” She pulled on him and raised herself up until her lips was just under him. “And guess what, Finn? I hear you.”
He shook his head, pulling back out of kissing range. “I don’t need any pity fuck.”
She instantly unclasped her hands, stunned he would say that. The idea infuriated her, actually. He practically growled at her. He was too loud. Too mean. But he finally succeeded in adding some passion to his tone.
“Good. Because the last thing you will get from me is that. Or even a happy fuck at this point. Is that what you really think I’m about? Do you really believe I pity you? What, exactly, is there about me that would suggest I’d waste my time pitying you? Or anyone else for that matter. Not my style, Finn. How can you spend this entire summer with me and not know that? I assumed you’d know me better!” she snarled right back. She hoped the wrinkling of her nose and squinting of her eyes further accentuated her angry retort.
“I don’t need it. I don’t need to have sex with you just because you finally realized how hard it is for me to understand the hearing world. Sorry, but no shit, Brianna. I’m completely deaf. What did you think? If I can easily read your lips, it makes it all better?”
She flinched. “Yes. Maybe I did!” she yelled right back. He had to realize she was yelling by how wide her mouth became. “Maybe I haven’t handled it right. You talk so well and you listen to me and seem to get me without any problem so maybe I totally underestimated how hard it is in real life. Not only for you, but for anyone else. I told you I’d never been friends with a deaf person before. Yes, I completely underestimated its effect on you and how you have to interact with others, including me. But no way. Fuck no. No fucking way would I fuck you because of that.” Tears obliterated her vision. “Why? Why would your thoughts even go there? It was a lovely kiss we shared. Wonderful even… and you have to go there? What is wrong with you?”
“I can’t hear. Remember? I can’t hear you or anyone else, that’s what’s fucking wrong with me. I can’t distinguish between sarcasm and sincerity. Why would that surprise you? Why should I try to interact more with others? And why should I not assume that you are just fucking with me, Brianna? You wouldn’t be the first. Not someone who looks like you.”
She grabbed his hands and glared deeply into his eyes. He glared back as hard as he could. “I would never—if you could hear me, you’d know I was emphasizing that—again, I would never do that to anyone. Especially not to you.”
“Why? Because you pity me?”
“No. Yes. I mean, yes, I sympathize about your inability to hear but I haven’t lied to you about anything I feel. I was never politically correct or trying to soften my reaction about it, was I? Think about it. Do I have gut reactions? YES. Of course I do. Compassion. Concern. Resentment over how unfair it is. I can’t turn any of that off. You can call it pity or whatever you like. I can’t stop that. But that is not why I like to kiss you and talk to you for hours and hang around you every single evening for the past six weeks. I would have just said hello when I passed you; or stopped to chat for a few moments here and there if I were only pitying you. I wouldn’t be doing this. All I need to figure out is what this is,” she added as she bit her lip. Red with embarrassment and anger, the heat infused her skin and he could feel it radiate next to his body.
He stared at her, stone-faced and still didn’t fully believe her. She shut her eyes. He needed to see her lips, but she didn’t need to see his. “I have befriended you because there was something between us from the very start. I liked being around you. Friendship? Yes. I was looking for a new friend to hang with after all my friends were leaving and my brother was flipping out. But there was also attraction, Finn. Deep down, unadulterated attraction.”
Finn made a noise. Brianna didn’t open her eyes because she didn’t think he knew he made it. If she opened her eyes, she would instantly alert him that he had made a sound and she feared his self-consciousness would respond and swiftly end anything else he had to say to her.
“Why are your eyes closed?”
“Because I’m embarrassed. I know you have to look directly at me to understand me. But I can’t face you right now. Since I can’t turn away and still talk to you, I’m doing this.”
A long silence filled the space but Brianna held her composure and did not get freaked out. He could do that easier than she could. The long lapses between statements meant he was thinking. Silence didn’t bother him, of course, and he found no need to shatter it. Silence was his reality. Plaguing him. Dogging him. Controlling him.
Yes. Damn it. She had to admit there was pity in all of it too. But nothing like what he was saying. Pity and heartache mixed together and made her heart bleed and swell in her need to care for him. She anticipated the beginning of some big feelings. But had no words yet to put to them.
“So your solution is to keep your eyes shut?”
“Yes.” She almost opened them before she reminded herself not to. He would be right there, in her direct view. His face expressionless with a cold stare, she still couldn’t deny he was hot. So hot, he made her palms sweaty and her panties wet… something she’d never confess to any man. But he didn’t trust her. He needed to hear the truth. She needed him to hear as much as he could believe. His inability to hear her tone and speech inflections were limiting to his believing her fully. How could he know what was real?
She kept her eyes shut and took a deep breath. Holding her head still and assuming he’d be staring at her lips, she said, “I’m going to say something that I would never admit to any guy. Not like this anyway. But I will admit it to you because I want to earn your trust. So here goes… I get wet, Finn. When I’m thinking about you, or imagining you touching me, or fantasizing about you and me in bed together… I actually do that. When you kissed me? My stomach fluttered and my heart flapped around in my chest all weird and happy… I don’t know what else you need to prove I am not reacting to you out of pity. So there. What I just told you totally humiliates me. I don’t feel that sure about you to be admitting that. But I only did it because you won’t believe me. So…”
Silence. An extended lapse of cold silence followed her heartfelt revelation. Blushing beet red, she felt like it matched the extremes of hot and cold inside her. She finally peeked at him, slitting one eye open to see his blurry face. He was simply staring at her. Blinking. He remained all hazy in her vision.
“Did I… did I read that right?”
“Probably,” she mumbled, dropping her chin. She couldn’t face him any longer. Her pride was too bruised.
She stiffened when she felt his arms encircling her. “You really feel attraction? Towards me?”
She nodded many times, burying her head in the crook of his neck. She had to lift her face to say more.
“Why would you doubt me so much? I don’t understand it. I mean, I know how isolated you prefer to keep yourself, but why did you think I was lying? Why?”
His shoulders bumped up and down and his gaze skittered away. She caught his face with her hands and turned it back to hers. Facing her, her breath hitched as she asked him, “Something happened to you.”
“Something happens to everyone.”
“What? Who did something to you? Tell me who hurt you so deeply that you could think I’d make a joke out of you and me.”
“I really don’t want to talk about it.”
“I really didn’t want to confess my body’s response to you but I did. And I did it exclusively for you. Only because I had to make you believe me and hear me and feel it in your heart. Guess what? You get a chance to reciprocate now.”
His lips barely tilted upwards. “It’s pretty humiliating.”
She touched his face, holding his chin in her hands. “Finn? You’ve got to trust me. Stop hiding from me. I’m your truest and most solid friend. But I want to be more. So talk to me.”
He smiled and sat down. “Since you got to close your eyes, could I also look away?”
“First tell me. Have you had sex before?”
“Yes. Three times to your four.”
She smiled. “I did tell you that. When will I learn to censor myself?”
He barely touched her cheek with a soft swipe of his finger. “Hopefully, never. It’s pretty endearing from my viewpoint.”
“Even when I stick my entire foot inside my mouth? Exactly how many times did I insult you about being deaf?”
“No. You were just awkward at first. Most people are, but you just kind of threw it out there, which, in many ways, made it easier with you. And Brianna? It’s not as tragic for me as the impression you seem to have. I’m sure it would be for you. Having your hearing world suddenly go silent must terrify you. Many people can’t imagine it. But for me? I can’t remember hearing. It’s no loss for me. Quiet is what I’m used to now. I find it harder to be in a hearing world. I did need a lot of help when I was young; I’ll admit that.”