by Leanne Davis
Inside, Brianna set her stuff down. “It’s always nice to get home.”
Only recently had Finn learned about Everett. She grew up there and considered it her home. River’s End was her vacation destination. Her source of fun. Her means of relaxation. Her place to get away. Everett, however, was home.
Finn never saw it before and when they descended the mountain passes and got into the suburbs and finally on the freeway to Everett, he was overwhelmed. There was so much traffic, he found it impossible to relax. There were houses everywhere. They drifted far off into the distance, reminding Finn of the seating in a giant stadium. People were everywhere. Her dad’s house was near downtown but closer to the waterfront of Puget Sound. Finn hated crowds, not only from being deaf but also because he wasn’t raised around them. He spent the majority of his years purposely hidden in the most rural areas he could manage to find. He was most comfortable in the least frequented places and he functioned better too.
Her dad’s house was a split level. They went upstairs, and Finn saw the kitchen across the landing and on the right, a large living area. An attractive blond with long hair and a toned body was standing there.
“Finn, this is Trinity, dad’s wife. Trinity, this is Finn.” Finn knew Brianna barely tolerated Trinity and still blamed her for her parent’s divorce. She was far more accepting of Joey in her mom’s life than of Trinity in her dad’s. Finn wondered if jealousy played a factor in her attitude toward Trinity but she adamantly denied it. So he let it go.
“Hello, Finn. Brianna has told her dad so much about you. It’s a pleasure to have you here. Please feel free to move about the house as our guest. Eat anything you like and please don’t feel like you have to ask us beforehand. Any friend of Brianna’s is always welcome here.” Trinity was warm and friendly. She clasped Finn’s hand in a half shake, and a half hold. She spoke right to him without ever being condescending. Her warm, bright smile was far more welcoming to him than Brianna’s mother. But Finn doubted that would be something he’d ever voice to Brianna.
Brianna’s room was downstairs and for the moment, she was alone because Jacob was gone. Brianna automatically took him to her room without her dad following them downstairs to see. Finn breathed easier when she shut the door and dropped her bag, and he dropped his.
“Phew, that’s over. I know it’s awkward. But they are pretty easy going. You really don’t have to ask before eating or doing whatever. Jacob’s been living here for years and he’s brought home plenty of girls and drugs and drinking… We’re like a breath of fresh air and a delight to them. We’re committed to each other too, just us, and we are not reliant on chemical substances. So don’t feel weird or shy about staying in my bedroom here with me.”
“They were both very nice.”
“Yeah… I guess Trinity probably is okay.”
She was too, but Finn held that in. “It’s just that she was twenty-five when dad started sneaking around with her. Nearly my age. Only nine years older, so that makes it harder to call her my stepmom or for me to regard her as an authority figure of any kind. Plus, my parents were still married when she started seeing Dad so I’ve never felt warm and fuzzy with her.”
Finn decided not to argue that her dad was married now and she seemed quite close to him… No, his logic was not worth her wrath. Better to simply take Brianna’s side. The one thing Brianna always did was take Finn’s side, no matter what.
“So my best friends from college know I’m home. They want us to meet up for drinks. Do you mind? I’d love for them to meet you.”
He did mind. He didn’t want to meet them or have drinks or go out anywhere. It never interested him, and was rarely fun or fulfilling. The conversation changed too fast and people were too busy to wait for him to catch up to it. He felt alone in the crowd, bored and awkward as anyone who approached him instantly felt. So much for good times. But it wasn’t all about him. Brianna had a busy, full life and for Finn to stand any chance with her, he had to make sure he wasn’t the reason for her to miss that.
“Sure. Did you warn them? About me?”
“Everyone in my life I could think of.” He blinked. Uh-huh, he was sure she did. It was still a stretch for him to go from being virtually unnoticed and unknown to having “everyone” in Brianna’s life know all about him.
She suddenly pushed him and he sat on her bed before she straddled his lap. She leaned in to kiss his lips, disarming him as only she could do. She slowly leaned back, leaving her arms loosely around his neck. “I know it’s hard for you. You must feel like an animal being put on display in a zoo. But from my personal experience with you, it’s better that people know you’re deaf before they try to communicate with you. Especially if we’re in a crowd or not at home.”
He made himself relax and smile. “So, you’re doing this for my own good, huh?”
She beamed. He liked to see her beam. It was hard for him not to respond as she kissed the end of his nose, leaned back and said, “Exactly.” He squeezed her waist where his hands rested. She wiggled around a little and his body responded. She noticed it and he felt her torso shake and giggle through his hands.
“I have to get ready now… I promised Dad we’d come up and catch up for a while before going to meet my friends. Okay?”
“Sure.”
Finn sounded so normal and relaxed. But he wasn’t. However, he wanted Brianna, so he intended to try.
She got up and disappeared into the bathroom. She brushed her hair, and an array of cosmetics came out before she refreshed her face. Finn wished he could hear her. He wished they could still talk and connect while she preened and primped. He waited on her bed, watching her.
He felt kind of bored, and his thoughts began drifting, while his nerves began shredding. He didn’t like surprises and everything about Brianna seemed unknown and unfamiliar. He imagined about this moment that hearing people put their ear buds in, or their headphones on, or simply playing background music to alleviate their boredom. He felt the vibrations but he didn’t know what it sounded like. The intricate waves of sound mixed all together at once and filled the heads of people? Seemed like pure magic to Finn. It made more sense that sounds didn’t get inside his head. A skull filled with a brain, along with tissue and tendons, occupying the space inside his head was enough to think about. How could two tiny holes in the side of his head detect sound? Maybe he preferred that they work as a gatekeeper to prevent the sound waves from entering. How easily that sense could be broken. It was a surprise that more weren’t broken, when Finn thought how complicated it was for external sounds to get inside a person’s head.
Of course, none could get inside his head.
Brianna came out of the bathroom and threw her shirt and shorts off. She wore lacy pink underwear and a matching bra. They pushed her cleavage upwards. She always wore sexy, pretty matching underwear every time Finn saw her. Sexy perks that almost drove him nuts. But during times like now, she wasn’t even thinking about sex or showing her body off to him. He knew that about her too. She took her dressing and accessorizing very seriously. It was a job to her and her goal was to complete it flawlessly, not to tempt or torment him, although she did. Being fashionable was serious business. She had to figure out what to wear. She was holding a silver dress before she began wiggling her tush and torso as she struggled to get into it. She stared in the mirror, twisting this way and that as she assessed her image in the mirror. His eyes popped wider. Wow. Damn. The dress managed to enhance her usual, every day, common beauty and hotness to a spectacular level.
Finn wanted to whistle but didn’t trust that sound. He sat up on her bed. “You look hot in that.”
She turned at his voice, her smile growing huge, and her painted red lips blew him a kiss. Her hair was all brushed out straight but the layered ends were curled and styled. “You’re bored, aren’t you? You never comment on what I wear. You want to watch TV?”
“I was being serious.”
“I know. Thank you. Now go watch
TV or talk to my dad. That might be good. Get over your reluctance to socialize. I’m close to him so…”
Finn grumbled. That meant “Dad” was now a major part of his life too.
But Finn just waited downstairs for her. They went up later and chatted with her dad and Trinity. It was pleasant enough, and Brianna’s insistence that her family raise their fingers if they were talking continued with her dad and Trinity. It worked as well as it did on the ranch. It was one of the first times Finn met new people and managed to understand their conversations in a group setting.
They left her dad’s and drove twenty minutes south but the farther they went, the more crowded it became. They were on a traffic-clogged highway when she exited and parked in front of a restaurant. It too was crowded with back-to-back bodies. Walking was impossible without stopping and side-stepping around all the various groups and pairs of people. It was honestly the most people Finn had ever been around and they were confined in the smallest area ever. He customarily avoided situations like this. Like the plague. He seriously hated attending them.
For Brianna, he trudged through the crowd, pushing all the shoulders and avoiding the feet, just to get through. For him, it was a stream of visuals: primary colors and expensive clothing and restaurant booths and other objects, without the context of sound to make any sense.
There was a waiting list.
Brianna went to the bathroom. Finn stood up, staring out the window. When he turned around several minutes later, he found Brianna waving her arm and her face was contorted as she mercilessly reprimanded the guy beside him. He was older, maybe in his forties with long hair and a neck tattoo. He looked closer until he made out her words, “He couldn’t even hear you. Maybe you should consider that the next time you decide to get all shit-faced about someone.”
His eyes popped open. Glancing around, he noticed there were several people in the foyer and all were waiting for seating. They were also staring at Brianna’s confrontation. Many of them were kids. He sighed. She had to right all the wrongs of his life.
He stepped closer and took her arm. “Excuse us.”
He simply pulled her along with him and turned when they approached the bathroom foyer so she’d be able to hear him. “What were you doing?”
“He apparently tried to get past you, and he said something, but you didn’t turn around and he thought you were being rude. I heard him mumbling about how rude young people were nowadays and asking you what the fuck your problem was…”
He didn’t mean to, but his mouth tipped up. “And you eagerly told him what my fucking problem was?”
She smiled wanly. “I did.”
He touched her and rubbed her bare forearms. “I appreciate it. But you can’t take random people’s comments so personally. They just don’t expect that. They doubt that I might not hear them. I’m young, so they automatically assume I can hear. They conclude I’m being rude. It happens more often than not. Probably way more than I even know about. Just let it be, okay.”
“Why should I let it be?”
“Because it’s one of those exhausting battles that can never be won. Accept it. People’s lack of understanding and ignorance will always be an obstacle for me because my behavior isn’t ordinary, not like every one else’s in the room. You know what I mean. You’ve seen it for yourself. Hell, you experienced it like everyone else. I am different, Brianna. You’re really going to have to accept that someday.”
She muttered and swore.
He grinned. “Accept it or we can’t go out in public together again.”
She scowled and finally nodded. “I don’t have to like it, however.”
“No, you don’t have to like it.”
Her shoulders jerked up and down, obviously in a dramatic sigh. “They’re calling our table. And I just saw my friends going to sit down.”
“Then let’s go get it.” She nodded and waved for the hostess. Brianna led him, placing his hand in hers as she plowed straight ahead. Finn caught her side profile and knew she was saying, “Excuse me” and “Pardon us” as she pushed her way through the crowd.
Finally, she stopped before a large, round booth. Three other girls were all decked out in sexy dresses with their hair all done up and custom, glittery makeup. The women Brianna ran with looked and dressed like her. Brianna outshone all of them with her natural beauty despite how hard they all tried to compete with her.
Brianna surrendered to lots of hugs and hand holding while happy exclamations were exchanged by all. Finn never had any friends like these. He hung back, commanding his feet not to shuffle, while his nerves made it almost automatic. Finally, she turned to Finn and smiled. She put her hand out to take his and bring him forward, obviously his cue to be introduced.
Each girl came towards him, hand out, and spoke their name to his face. Obviously, they were well versed in the special Finn-instructions. She could have written a damn pamphlet about it. He wouldn’t have suggested it because he could almost imagine her doing such a thing. He easily saw her carrying a stack of them in her giant purse and shoving them into any new acquaintance’s hands. Yeah, she just might have done that. The thought made him smile.
It irritated him though when he pictured what she said and demanded from others.
But he couldn’t deny that interacting with others when she was around made it not only tolerable but far better than he’d ever experienced by himself. People talked directly to him and he managed to keep up on most of what was being said. So it did work. It really did. It just irritated him to imagine all the fuss and bother it caused for Brianna. She was the one who had to say it and inform everyone. Finn felt weak, silly, inept, stupid and needy.
He wished he knew other people who could sign; then he’d be much more confident and sure without the need for anyone to help him. No one had to accommodate him. That’s what was so ironic about being deaf. In spoken English, Finn was at a severe disadvantage. In ASL, he was considered normal and he could easily communicate independently and proficiently. There were no gaps or barriers with ASL.
Too bad the whole damn world couldn’t speak in ASL.
Despite Brianna’s clumsy methods, which he found bizarre and kind of awkward, not to mention, a tad embarrassing and emasculating, they worked and they made a big difference.
So he squeezed himself onto the end of the booth, beside Brianna of course. Right off, she stopped their giggling fest to ask them to put their fingers up and slow down their talking. She turned her head at one point and said something, probably chastising them all. But she was careful that he couldn’t see. After that, everyone lifted their fingers and spoke slower. When they said something new, they were careful to point to Finn before asking him a question. Everyone was eager to comply with Brianna’s rules. They were both curious about Finn and protective toward Brianna. Finn seriously doubted that he was what they pictured for her. He honestly couldn’t blame them when he saw Brianna in her true environment. She fit in much more easily and belonged there more than she did at the rural ranch.
One big draw was all the people. And malls. Strip malls. Big malls. Outlet malls. Connected malls. Boutique stores too… in other words, all the things that would remind him of Brianna’s interest. Everything reminded him of her. The dusty, dirt-filled, empty pastures of horses nestled in the mountains, surrounded by the trees and the river where he met her were where he belonged. She belonged here in Everett.
It was hard to follow the conversation. His eyes were often distracted by the many other patrons walking past or sitting, getting up and down, heads bobbing, and it was hard not to turn and look when he couldn’t see what they were doing. He failed to follow the threads of the group conversations despite all the ground rules Brianna insisted upon to help him participate. He was startled when she touched his hand, nodding, “The server is here.”
He turned to look at the rest of them. He didn’t know when it was his turn to order. He hated that, wondering when it was his time for him to speak or not. But thei
r eye contact suggested they were expectant. It made him feel stupid, like a child, ignorant of what to do in a social setting. It was always harder with strangers. Brianna was the one woman he wanted to see him as a capable, whole man, not a bumbling, embarrassing, needy boy.
Finally, he blurted out, “Cheeseburger with fries and a Coke.”
The waitress shook her head and leaned in. He wasn’t loud enough? Or maybe the place was too loud. That was another thing he detested about these situations, he couldn’t tell how high to raise the volume when he spoke. Brianna gently touched his hand before she took over for him, squeezing his fingers. The waitress looked at Brianna and then back at Finn and her sympathy shone in her eyes. Finally, nodding, she smiled at him before she left.
Naturally, most people were compassionate and felt sorry for him once they realized why he failed to act or reply or pick up on cues like other people, but it crushed him every single time. He felt about an inch tall in his masculinity. Especially when women who were close to his age, like the server, regarded him with pity like they might have for a homeless toddler or someone who has to go without food for long periods of time. Finn hated it and that was an understatement. Politely, he mumbled, “Thanks.”
Brianna squeezed his hand again and he leaned towards her. “I can’t follow the conversations. Quit telling your friends to try and slow down. Act normal. I’m fine. I’ll just check my phone.”
Her compassionate look seemed to reflect her regret. He glanced down to avoid it. He bristled for how weird it felt. He could have been in a room with more than a hundred people but once he lowered his head, and focused his eyes on the screen of his phone, they ceased to exist, he was so far away in his own world.
Honestly, he preferred his world to Brianna’s. He didn’t even want to know how much clatter there was in this place. There had to be. He did not like feeling overwhelmed, overpowered, or shocked; he preferred silence.