by Leanne Davis
For an hour, he flipped through websites at random, exploring key words while trying to seem interested in it. He ate too, and occasionally caught the four women laughing hysterically and together. He smiled back if they made eye contact, but Finn had no idea what amused them. He could not discern it simply from their facial expressions or laughter.
After some shuffling, Finn became ecstatic, knowing they were ready to leave. He could have done a cartwheel in his eagerness to escape the throng of people.
Oh, no. There was a party to go to. They stood near their car, discussing it. Brianna hesitated. But he could read her body language as well as her words. She wanted to go very much. He finally said, “We should go, Brianna; you don’t get to see them too often.”
She stared at him, and flickers of doubt appeared in her gaze. She had been staying on a ranch, alone with Finn in his apartment for weeks now, and now he began to see that was not her normal way of living. Brianna was a social, engaged, and fun-seeking individual. How could she stand being stuck in the quiet solitude of his boring life? It had to be as foreign to her as him trying to fit in with hers.
They entered a popular dance club and bar. Colorful lights twisted and spun all over the otherwise dark interior. He imagined the light show was in sync with the music. He could feel the vibration and it began shaking him to the center of his heart.
Brianna’s eyes shone brightly with excitement and her smile was big and easy. Her body half moved and jived as they walked. Finn quickly figured out that she loved to dance. Like crazy loved to dance. Pushing her towards the dance floor, he wanted her to ignore him and do what she’d normally have done with her girlfriends. There was no chance he could speak in there. He didn’t know how loud he should be and other than speaking directly to Brianna, it would have been too dark to see anyone’s lips unless they were extremely close. He was essentially cut off from all of them, and more so than usual.
But she was so hot and Finn loved to watch her. She and her friends danced together in a semi-circle of gyrating bodies with sexy, slinky moves. Naturally, in no time, their seductive moves had more than one guy hitting on them or trying to join them. Most were flittering like moths around Brianna, as if she were a floodlight.
Finn mustered his confidence. Brianna spent a total of six years in college here. Most likely, she spent hundreds of nights out like this during those years. But none of the men ever became anything special to her. She was even inexperienced with sex. Despite how much she drew the attention of strange men, and enjoyed it, that was all she did: harmlessly enjoy it. Her silver dress moved up her thighs as she moved erotically and her strapless top seemed way too low for his taste.
But she was happy. And having fun. Real fun. Releasing steam and acting young, that kind of fun.
The kind of fun Finn could never give her. Not really, anyway. Not in nightclubs or a crowded, pulsating room like this. He couldn’t hear the main attraction. He couldn’t see the mouths clearly enough to participate in their conversations. He was there, sure, but oh-so-removed. There but always silent. What went on around him remained mostly unclear, other than his casual observations. Experience helped him to piece together scenes and supplement the context, but sometimes, it led him astray. Being uninformed and not having the full picture wasn’t any advantage when there was something to base one’s decisions on.
Of course, deaf people danced. Using the vibrations they felt, or whatever hearing they possessed, they managed to hear some of it. But Finn had no desire to.
Brianna drank heavily, shamelessly enjoying shots with her laughing, giggling friends. They hugged each other or walked around with their arms wrapped around each other, drawing envious gazes from all the men they passed. Roaming eyes would dart to them, and often linger long after they passed to stare at their cute butts, clearly outlined in the tight clothes and short skirts. Finn was not drinking and being sober, so it was easier to judge and get jealous. He had to remind himself that her warm, caring heart and classic beauty were integral to her. She offered herself freely to the world around her, wherever she happened to be. Her smile reflected genuine interest and warmth, and it might have been directed at the bartender as easily as the random guy she passed, or woman. And him. All of them belonged to the world around her and she engaged with everyone and enjoyed their company and flirted and graced them with her kind attention. She did that to everyone. It meant nothing except that Brianna was being herself.
She didn’t ignore Finn by any means. She came in between songs and sat in his lap and gave him a warm, inviting kiss. If he were standing near the dance floor and watching her, she walked up into his arms and hugged him close to her. She generously peppered kisses on his neck and chin and mouth. She grew frisky as hell too. The later the night got, the tipsier she became. No doubt, she was fueled by the sexy music and her own moves. Wow. All at once, she was right there on him, gyrating her ass and pushing her pelvis into his crotch; it was impossible for Finn not to get turned on.
Then she’d smile and giggle before letting him go and returning to her dancing and friends. He wished he could join her, but even if he could hear, he’d never have danced like that or even sought a setting like this one. It wasn’t his thing at all.
Finn stood for most of the time, hiding off to the side, as far in the dark as he could get from the annoying lighting. He soon grew bored. It was fun to watch the hot girl you were dating for a few hours, but eventually, the ennui set in.
Towards one a.m., Finn glanced up after perusing the crowd. He spotted a large, Asian man walking up behind Brianna before he put his arms completely around her and pulled her up against his front, i.e., his crotch, as he lifted her feet off the ground.
Her head whipped around and Finn jerked upright off the corner wall on which he slouched. He took a step forward until he saw her mouth was moving fast. Her arms pushed on the hands around her waist and she frantically nodded Finn’s way. Her gaze bounced around, finding his as she began shaking her head. He stopped, and interpreted her message. She shook her head more and smiled at Finn, letting him know… what? That she was fine?
She must have known the guy because she stopped dancing and looked up before talking to him. She was also smiling… Any guy would assume her smile was a huge welcome sign to talk to her, but Finn knew it was just freaking Brianna’s natural effervescence. It was always coming out, especially when she was drunk.
The man talked for several minutes, leaning down to her level, getting into her space. But she patted his shoulder and pointed towards Finn. He shrugged, patted her back and left. She quickly came right over to Finn.
“I know that guy from school. He and I had a thing junior year. No sex, however. I’m sorry he acted like that. He didn’t realize I was with you. I didn’t flirt with him and I swear I was not trying to make you jealous. This in itself has got to be bad enough and I wouldn’t do that to you.”
He nodded and smiled, knowing she couldn’t hear him or read his lips. He bent down and wrapped his arms around her, lifting her off her feet. Holding her tightly to him, he didn’t put her down in any hurry as he leaned over to kiss her lips. He knew she didn’t mean anything by it, and she certainly tried to include him. She was careful not to shun him or flirt in front of him, but nothing changed the reality: they could not experience the same world. Their opinions of social situations, crowds, and even a small gathering of people were polar opposites.
Something snaked through him. All the doubts were magnified in his mind despite having her in his arms. She tried to reassure him. Care for him. He didn’t doubt that about her. He just realized how impossible it was trying to make a square box (him) fit inside a round hole (Brianna), although he would have never referred to Brianna as a “hole”. But her personality and life were vastly different from his.
****
It was hard for Brianna to watch Finn in public. This public gathering was very different from having dinner at River’s End Café, or picking up something at the drugsto
re, or getting gas, or any of the other innocuous errands they did together. That was in the quieter, rural atmosphere of River’s End. But this was her real life. In Everett. Where she’d grown up with lots of friends and acquaintances. The place she always assumed she’d live, work, and someday, marry someone and put down deeper roots.
But the crowds were overwhelming to Finn. There was too much for him to adjust to and maneuver around. Too many people seemed to be in any place they entered. She wished that he’d been raised more normally, so that the crowds would not discourage him. Brianna believed his discomfort wasn’t because of being deaf but from living like a total introvert and never getting used to groups of people.
She shouldn’t have insisted that he come with her, but leaving him at home suggested she didn’t want him, and she did. She truly did. Watching him struggle to engage with her and her friends was difficult.
Returning from the restroom in the restaurant, she found Finn turned towards the window while a guy was freaking yelling at him. Finn had no idea. None whatsoever. Her heart hurt as her clashing feelings confused her. Caring, love, a strong need to protect Finn, those emotions filled her, but she also could not deny a growing anger that anyone would stand and continue yelling at another’s person’s back without first considering something could be different about the individual. Brianna failed to realize Finn was deaf when she first met him, but she sensed something unusual about his style of interaction. She erroneously attributed it to an emotional problem or possibly a case of post-traumatic stress disorder. Or just something being a bit unclear about him. It could have been any of them. How could this stupid man not pause to consider that?
Brianna ran up to him and grabbed the man’s arm.
“He’s fucking deaf, you asshole. He can’t hear a word you’re yelling at him and he didn’t hear whatever set you off to begin with. Listen to yourself. How could it never occur to you that something might be a bit different about him?”
The guy was huge, tatted all up with long hair pulled back into a ponytail. He shook her off. “Deaf? He doesn’t have any o’ those damn things in his ears. How the fuck was I supposed to know?”
“Gee, I don’t know… Maybe your first clue was when he didn’t flinch or react in any way to you. Only a person who can’t hear you can manage to accomplish that. You should be ashamed of yourself. He couldn’t even hear what you said. Maybe next time, you should consider that before you get all shit-faced and hostile toward someone.”
Of course, Finn sensed her anger and he turned his head toward her. All at once, he was staring at her mouth and she knew he was prepared to step in. Embarrassed, he’d be eager to shush her up. She understood why, but the unfairness of it for Finn made her see red. The only words she could spout or come out of her mouth were censure and scorn. How dare this asswipe verbally accost her wonderful, caring, insecure, quiet, proud, full of testosterone Finn? How dare he? The man nearly assaulted Finn for freaking being in a foyer and waiting for a table.
Shame on her for leaving him there.
Shame on her for making him go.
Shame on her for allowing Finn to finally withdraw altogether with his phone. It was too hard. He couldn’t realize how loud the bar was so he didn’t know that the server couldn’t hear him. She could though. She realized that after he spoke. Finn’s helplessness in not knowing what to do caused him so much embarrassment. Collectively, he allowed these faux pas to nearly debilitate him. He was buried in embarrassment.
Shame on her for letting the alcohol at dinner dupe her into believing it was okay, even for one night, to enjoy herself and let Finn just fend for himself.
She enjoyed herself all right. Her guilt fueled her need to drink more if only to ignore her angry conscience, and she drank far more than she should have. Releasing the guilt let her have more fun. A normal night out like she usually enjoyed with her friends.
She saw him. Alone. In a crowd of dozens, Finn was alone and totally unclear as to what was said. She kissed him, growing panicked when Chen Li came up behind her as if he intended to hook up with her. Chen Li and she often flirted when out and about over the years, especially after drinking. Chen Li didn’t do anything wrong. But her quiet, stuck-in-the-corner-all-by-himself, and totally unaware of what she was dancing to, deaf boyfriend freaked her out and made her feel like she was doing it all wrong.
Which she was.
She wanted Finn.
And she liked to go out with her friends.
She liked to dance.
She liked people in general.
So how could they combine the two?
She loved nothing better than striking up random conversations with strangers and learning something unusual or surprising or foreign to her. She loved discovering connections and all that happened through one’s voice in conversation. Lots of conversations.
That was the one thing she couldn’t share with Finn.
Brianna reeled from the spins. She tugged on her dress to keep it over her boobs and pulled on it to cover her rear-end. She finally grabbed Finn and leaned on him before leading him toward the car. He had to drive, of course. Her friends had their own rides.
Naturally, she couldn’t talk to Finn. It was dark and he was driving so he couldn’t see her lips. She was too drunk so it might have been dangerous too. She could have said anything right then without fearing she’d get into trouble for it. She giggled at the thought and released a laugh. Glancing to her left, nope. Finn didn’t turn towards her. He was totally oblivious to her so she made a loud, obnoxious, and pretty unsexy, raucous noise, like a harsh laugh.
She leaned her head on the passenger window and a stab of regret sliced through her. No. She didn’t mean that. She didn’t like saying things or making sounds that he couldn’t hear. In a way, it was mocking him and she so hated when anyone, anyone, even hinted at mocking him or ignoring him or pretending like he wasn’t right there.
He waited for her after he parked and got out of the car. She met him by the hood. Tugging on the ridiculous dress now felt clingy and scratchy. She couldn’t wait to get out of it and throw on her flannels or a t-shirt or something less constricting. Finn took her hand and she quietly let him guide her through the front door and downstairs to her bedroom.
She stripped and slipped a t-shirt over her head. Finn disappeared, too bashful as usual to change in front of her or pee or brush his teeth. She nosedived onto the bed, only to rise enough to flip over when he came out. Leaning over, she blinked at him after she clicked the lamp on. She crawled across the bed to grab his hand and tug him towards her. He came and stood beside her bed. She rose up onto her knees and held his face. “I’m sorry.”
He didn’t ask her why she was apologizing.
He touched her cheek. “You wanted to hang out with your friends. There’s nothing more you could have done. It’s just what it is.”
“It is. And you stood around doing nothing for hours. Bored. Alone.” She reached out and twirled the hair on his head in a tender touch. “I try to understand how alone it is for you but then something like tonight happens and I realize yet again, I can never really know, can I?”
He shook his head. “Not likely.”
“I wish I could. I always think to myself well, at least you have me. But that’s nothing. So I can hold your hand or try and make people communicate in ways you can but it’s—”
“Impossible? Now you see why I lived the way I did and where I did. Even if I see now and admit that I took it way too far. If life were a football game, I couldn’t be on the team or play in the game, but I most likely could sit on the sidelines and cheer for the team, at least. When you first met me, I was practically under the bleachers and all alone. I don’t need to go that far now. You keep showing me that. But a main player in the crowded game of life? I don’t see how I could ever be.”
“Am I a main player?”
“You, baby, are the quarterback.”
She shut her eyes and her shoulders wilted. “I know
.”
He touched her chin with his finger, causing her eyelids to flutter open. “It’s not a bad thing. And nothing to be ashamed of. You try. You try harder than anyone I’ve ever met to accommodate me and include me. But there are limitations to your effectiveness and how far it goes. The bottom line is: we speak two different languages.”
“I wish…”
“I could hear? Me too. But wishing hasn’t changed it yet.”
She smiled. “I wasn’t going to say that. I was going to say I wish the rest of the world understood how to communicate with everyone, hearing and deaf.”
“You can’t expect the majority to worry about the very few. Ask anyone with a handicap. I’m sure the blind person wishes their needs were readily available, and they would be so different from mine. Or a person with a learning disability probably thinks if the lessons were just presented in a way that they could respond, they’d be just as successful as everyone else.”
“What does it mean for us?” Her head was spinning but she vocalized her greatest fear.
How could they survive?
“I don’t know.”
“We inhabit two entirely different worlds.”
“Yes. I know that. You’re just starting to see it and admit it. You assumed if I just did more and interacted more often, it would improve my life. Granted, it has become better. But in your world, I am much more limited than you originally estimated, right?”
“Yes. I thought if you just engaged more people and they realized you were deaf, it would be almost like hearing. I realize it now; it just can’t be. And I apologize again for making you stand for three hours all alone in a room of hundreds. You were all alone despite me being right there.”
“You can’t fix everything for me.”
“I want to.” She leaned forward and wrapped her arms around his neck, pressing her breasts into his chest.
He hugged her, his hands sliding up and down her bare back. “I know you do, and I think that has changed my life immensely. I think if my family had lived, I might have grown up differently and my place in the world might have advanced much further than I managed on my own. But I could never rise to your place in it.”