by Leanne Davis
But Finn knew.
Turning towards her brother, she crash-landed back into the here and now. “You deserved it. I thought you were fucking dead when I first got there. You scared me and broke my heart. And I don’t think this is the end of it, is it, Jacob? Jacob the fucking-drug-addict-deadbeat-dad.”
He hung his head down. His hair was messed up and his clothes were grubby and dingy. She finally lifted her head to glance around. Her mom stood off to the side and she too had tears streaming her face. To her astonishment, her dad was holding her mom in his arms, and together, they both seemed to be holding each other up and offering comfort. Dad was as distraught in his expression as the rest of them.
“You shouldn’t have kidnapped my baby.”
Jacob’s cold comment in the face of all Brianna’s upset and grief both stunned and hurt her. She nearly went after him again. But Finn’s hand on hers stopped her. She gritted her teeth. “You shouldn’t have been high and passed out. When? When did you have the baby?”
“Why don’t we sit down?” Her dad’s logical insistence cut through their merciless sibling glares.
They all sat down and Brianna saw Trinity off in the corner. Joey was there too, near Trinity. Great. The new spouses were giving the Starrs the autonomy to act like a fucking family, the family she always wanted them to be. Still. Now and forever. The stabbing twinge of wanting her parents back together had not occurred with so strong a pull or felt so insistent in years. Brianna thought she long ago put that need to rest. But there it was. In all this sadness and vulnerability, with her brother in so much trouble, the little girl inside her just wanted her parents, who were now seated together on the couch, to be real. And united. To be there for her. Cohesive in their rescue of her and more importantly, Jacob.
They had to team up to fix it.
Even though Brianna knew they could not. She could not either. No one could.
Gnashing her teeth, she banished the childishly ridiculous desire. She knew in her heart that was never a reality. They were not miracle workers, not even when they were together. But Brianna’s desire right then, for that to happen, was overwhelming, as much as all of this was.
Trinity held the baby boy and jiggled him all around when he began squawking and awakening. Shaking off Finn’s hand and her parents’ distraught looks, Brianna picked up all the packages she bought and carried them over to Trinity, setting them down. Joey took them. “Put him in something that doesn’t stink so bad.”
Jacob glared at her. She glared back. She went beside Finn. “What’s his name?”
“Silas James Starr. We plan to call him, Si.”
“And he is yours? You’re sure?”
Jacob glared at her again. He kept twitching all around and Brianna assumed he was coming off whatever he’d been high on or maybe he just injected more. “I’m sure. Don’t be such a bitch.”
“Who is she? The mother?”
“Teresa.”
“The trash I found passed out next to you?”
“Yeah, the woman asleep beside me.”
“I all but dropped a fog horn in that room and neither of you flinched or opened an eyelid. If your son had needed anything, which he obviously did, you could never wake up. You were lucky I was the one who took him and not someone else. The door was unlocked.”
“Shut up, Brianna. I don’t owe you anything.”
“Stop it! Stop it! I can’t stand it… stop being so mean to your sister. You had a baby. You didn’t even tell me, Jacob.” Her mom’s voice cracked and grew louder until she was almost hysterical by the time she said his name. She started to cry again and her dad held her mom against his shoulder as he glared at Jacob over her head. He patted her shoulder. Her mom mumbled against his chest. “Explain why you didn’t tell me. I’m your mother.”
Jacob actually seemed to care their mom was so heartbroken. He dropped his head and mumbled. “I don’t talk to you.”
“That’s your choice. But you had a baby? How do you intend to support it?”
“Teresa collects Women’s, Infant and Child care from the state.”
“Was she clean?”
“I told you, yes, she was, at least, during the pregnancy. It was tough but she did it.”
“And now?”
He shrugged. “Well, I mean it’s pretty hard. He cries a lot and we… shit. We try… and…” He shook his head. Without his anger, Jacob couldn’t formulate a single thought. Staring at him, Brianna searched for her brother in the boy she saw speaking. He was surly and rat-like. His shoulders slumped and his sloppy posture conveyed a kind of careless hostility. His shoes were unwiped and muddy. It clashed with the ambience of her dad’s neat, clean house.
“Why? Why are you a fucking addict?”
She whispered the words. His head flipped up. So did her parents. No one else asked him quite like that.
“I’m not.”
“Quit denying it. I saw you. I’ve seen you. We all have. Just tell me why?”
His gaze flickered around and he shook his head. “I don’t know.”
“We have good parents. We loved you. You were always loved and nurtured. I just don’t understand.”
“What do you want me to say to that, Brianna?” His tone resumed his hateful attitude. His eyeballs flitted around.
“What about your son? You gonna make him an addict too? What kind of life do you think you can give him?”
“Fuck off.”
She didn’t flinch. “Jacob. You have a baby.”
She glanced down. Finn had already lost the thread of the conversation. Her heart dipped. He quit watching them when that happened. She knew his mannerisms and she shut her eyes. Tired. Exhausted. Mad. Angry. Sad. Heartbroken.
Of course he lost the thread. There was no way to keep it for Finn. Her mom spoke with her head buried against her father’s chest—which was more than a little odd. Trinity and Joey called from the other room, where the baby was crying, and Brianna was yelling at Jacob. So although Finn was present, he lost track of their conversation long ago and had no idea.
Brianna turned and nearly kicked the sofa. If she could just sign properly, she could try and let him hear what they were saying. But kicking the sofa would probably break her toe so instead, she flopped back down on it. Thoughts swirled around her brain. Her tired eyes were scratchy and aching from so much crying already. And now, she was excluding her boyfriend and minimalizing him when she didn’t even realize it. He was there but not there. It wasn’t fair to freaking forget him since he couldn’t hear her screaming, but could only read her words—just barely—if she looked right at him. In a heated conflict, with more than one person in the conversation, there was no way Finn could keep up.
Defeated, she leaned forward, burying her head in her knees, and simply cried harder.
“Brianna…” Her mom came over and took her in her arms. “Why don’t you let us talk to Jacob? Honey?”
She shook her mom off and looked up at her and then towards her dad and Jacob. Her face was away from Finn. “I’m not just crying about my brother’s selfish assholiness or the baby he chose not to tell his family about. No. It’s because of my boyfriend who can’t even hear me or you, yet he’s right there and he doesn’t even know right now that I’m crying about him. Us. Because I forgot he was deaf. I forgot to face him and I forgot to make you guys realize that too. So while Jacob’s a totally selfish asshole to the max, I love Finn and I don’t want to hurt him. He all but broke up with me already because I can fucking hear and he can’t… but I don’t know how to change that.”
“He broke up with you? Why didn’t you tell me?” Her mom glanced at Finn who turned when he sensed her looking at him. He glanced up and she sighed. Fuck. This wasn’t the right time, but it came already, so much came up. From her brother’s betrayal and worrying he might be dead to finding his neglected and forgotten baby that they knew nothing about. To Finn and her…
“It wasn’t like that. It was about this friend he had and…
just, it doesn’t matter now. He was overwhelmed by some things and figuring other things out.”
“Do you think he’s got it figure out? By the way he so eagerly came with us… I think he’s decided on you, Brianna.” Her mom said soflty, her tone the warm, gentle one Brianna was used to. She hugged her mom again and said into her ear, “Thank you.”
She turned and stared at Finn. Tears welled in her eyes more. He waited, obviously unsure if she was crying about Jacob or him or both. And he didn’t fully understand if he’d done something wrong or not. He hadn’t. She had. “I forgot you couldn’t hear. And I forgot to talk to you and then… I just forgot… I’m sorry…” She signed “sorry” as she spoke it.
He nodded and she had no idea why. He understood or just felt bad for her and tolerated her. She cleared her throat. “I guess you guys don’t need me to figure this out. I can’t… I can’t see you like this, Jacob. So… I guess mom and dad will tell me what’s going to happen to your baby. Unfortunately, I think I know what’s going to happen to you. Just try and remember that baby doesn’t deserve what I walked in on. He deserves what you and I grew up with. Even if you turned out fucked up. You shouldn’t have.”
Jacob didn’t answer but just stared—with dead eyes at her. How dare he? His callousness and fucked up attitude took her breath away.
She put her hand down in Finn’s and said, “Let’s go.”
Surprise, of course, showed on Finn’s face just as her guilt overcame her. He didn’t understand why they were going. He rose to his feet, his gaze scanning the room, seeking clues. And she despised him trying to figure out something that everyone else knew. Except Finn. Her heart bled and squeezed as if real drops of blood were falling from it. Finn looked clueless now, and he hated that but she hated it more for him.
If Finn were with Felicity, he’d probably never feel like that.
Nope. Not once.
Because if Felicity spoke to him, she always used her hands. Engaging in a screaming, yelling, yet clever verbal sparring like her family just indulged in would have left Felicity just as lost as Finn. Felicity would not make Finn feel stupid or lost or clueless or different.
She’d make him feel normal, wanted, equal, and together.
Her shoulders sagged under the impact of her vivid reality check. She heard her parents start talking to Jacob and a few answers. She also heard Joey’s voice and the baby’s cry as she took Finn’s hand and descended the stairs to her room.
And there they were.
Together.
Alone.
Quiet.
He stared at her and she stared at him as always. In order to talk, they had to stare at each other. He had to read her face and facial expressions to interpret what she said. She had to give him plenty of access to her words. Her throat was raw and her eyes were too. She wanted to shut them, and turn off her brain and curl up on her bed without thinking or feeling or dealing with life for awhile. Float. Sleep. Forget.
“Did my mom and Joey drive you?
“Yes. We talked about your brother.”
“And there I was. Leaping out of freaking nowhere and attacking my brother like a deranged lunatic.”
“Really? All I saw was pain.”
“But you didn’t hear it.” She shook her head. “If I were Felicity, and not me, you’d never again be trapped in a room without knowing what your girlfriend or her family were saying. Right? Felicity’s family members all sign. She signs. It’s like Deaf culture there all the time.”
She was being mean and awful because she was hurt and scared. It came out in sarcasm. For some reason, he seemed to get it, just by reading it on her face. Who could do that? The impact of his understanding nearly made her collapse. His lips barely tilted upwards. “What do you know about Deaf culture?”
“I know it’s where you belong. With Felicity.”
“With Felicity?”
“Yes.” She said it. Her entire body seemed to droop and sink into the word. “I just don’t want you to leave. I wish you didn’t need her or it.”
“So you’ve decided who I should be with?”
Her head shook. “I don’t know anything.”
He sat down the on the edge of her bed and leaned forward, running his hands through his hair restlessly. She kneeled down and ducked under his arms so her face was back in his. “I’ve been reading a lot about personal accounts of being deaf and the options and controversies.”
His head shifted back to make room for her right in his space. His mouth flattened as he grimaced. “Don’t believe everything you read on the internet. You should know, huh?”
She flinched. That was rude. And mean, no doubt, in reference to her business. “I don’t lie.”
“I wasn’t suggesting you did. But you paint a pretty picture of what it’s like to be Brianna Starr in this world and if others just followed your advice and did what you do, then they can live in a pretty picture too.”
She jerked back and sat on her heels. He waited a long moment before he reached forward. “I’m sorry, I’m still mad that I didn’t know and I’m just being a dick. It made me feel stupid you hadn’t told me and after I found out it’s more than half a million people. I mean, c’mon, Brianna. It’s so basic, I should have known that about you.”
“How about telling me how to sign your name, and what other people call you? Isn’t that your name just as much as me calling you Finn? Yeah, that came up with Doug.”
Finn flipped his hand up and used a variation of what she already learned was F and N. “That’s it. Not exactly life-changing or like giving half a million people access to me.”
She sighed and took his hands, kissing his knuckle. “You are so damn stubborn. It’s your name. Your name, Finn. How could you not lead with that when teaching me to sign?”
“I honestly never considered it. Certainly not in the terms you are. So in all web searches about being deaf, what did you learn?”
“Utter confusion. Endless pitfalls for me as a hearing person trying to adapt to Deaf culture and then there’s the hard of hearing, and the ones who have rejected it altogether.”
“Then there is me. I never tried to fit in anywhere at all. Imagine being deaf and never fitting into the hearing world or the Deaf world. I don’t know anymore than you do.”
“But some things stuck out to me.”
“What?”
“The incessant isolation and loneliness. It seems to plague most of the accounts I’ve read, during adolescence especially. During college, however, many discovered and joined Deaf groups or clubs and say their lives opened up when they found the acceptance they sought.”
“Where are you going with this?”
“I think coming here and meeting Felicity and her friends is the equivalent for you. Most cited parents and supportive families as making the difference in how the world received them, and whether or not it was a positive, negative or neutral experience. I read accounts of misery to total gratitude for being deaf. I didn’t understand. I had it all wrong. And maybe she’s right. I can’t totally understand you.”
“I’m nothing like what you’ve read. I speak and read lips and sign and I don’t have any preference. It’s all communication to me, whatever works best when speaking to others.” He touched her face. “If I want to talk to you, I speak.”
“I never meant to be so stupidly offensive, but I think I was most of the time.”
“You can’t be offensive to me. I wasn’t part of any of it. Hearing world, Deaf world, I was just in my own world. I’m probably learning much slower than you are.”
“I think you’re wrong. You came alive in this group when you spoke through sign language. You smile easier and freer and more naturally. Felicity isn’t wrong about that. You might be happy with me, all alone in my room, or your apartment. But outside of that? It’s hard.”
“Of course it’s hard. I can’t hear. I have huge barriers no matter how much we pretend I don’t.”
“I understand why Felicity
is so angry towards the hearing world and why she disdains it. Really I do, especially after what I’ve witnessed and read… but Finn, I’m hearing. We can’t pretend it doesn’t matter.”
“I don’t think we have been.”
“It doesn’t change how exhausting it is for you to just talk to me. It takes all your focus and energy. You can’t just relax and communicate with me. You have to do all the work. But with Felicity, you don’t.”
He shrugged. “You make adjustments too. That’s our reality, and I have to adapt and it’s nice of you to adapt with me but you don’t have to. I do.”
She nodded. “I followed this one blogger, a young female, born deaf, who knows only ASL and she’s magnificent. She’s so articulate when she explains her awkward situations and faux pas. She’s totally happy too. With herself and her life. She’s married to a hearing man who learned ASL. She only knows ASL and doesn’t speak. She writes like it’s hard but doable…”
“But?”
“But she’s a woman. All the comments talk about her being so adorable and cute and maybe it’s easier for her. I read this other blogger in his early twenties who’s single, not in school, and working as a coder. He is trying to fit into the company where he works but he’s the only deaf person they’ve employed. They make some accommodations, but most are lacking in their effectiveness. He’s so alone and lonely. He doesn’t want to learn about Deaf culture. He sounds like an introvert by nature and not a joiner; maybe his personality can’t handle crowds. Not like the girl, who loved people and joining. Comments to this guy range from telling him to quit sulking, and stop being a whiny pussy and grow a pair of balls… to having a discussion about what is worse: to be blind or deaf? Really, it makes me wonder what the fuck is wrong with people? I feel ashamed just to be human.”
“What’s all this mean to you? I feel like there’s a point?”
“I think you’re just starting to find the world, Finn. You were sidelined, denied and ignored and just kind of floated there in that space. And I did a good job of awakening you to care more about yourself and your life and to see you deserve so much more. I see you growing and reaching for more almost daily now. I love that. I love you. But I see that the more I learn and the deeper I go, you are just beginning to understand what the world could and should be for you.”