by Leanne Davis
“Brianna… what are we talking about here?”
“You. Getting the best out of life.”
“That’s you.”
“That’s sweet. But it’s not me. What I did that day to Felicity? I thought she was some bitch going after my guy. That was as far as I took it. And then I humiliated her and you in front of her and myself. The more I learn, the more I cringe over the things I’ve said and done.”
“It doesn’t matter. And you listen and learn from the first time. But instead of avoiding me, you went towards me, not away from me. You were fierce too and without that insistence from you, I wouldn’t be talking to Felicity or Doug or Gi or all the others and I wouldn’t be thinking about going to the Deaf Jam event. What are you getting at here? I appreciate you learning ASL but you also have to remember it’s individual too. How we are deaf. How we choose to live. And most of all, whom I choose to be with.”
“I agree. But you’ve never had a chance to belong to anything. I think you should. I can’t. I mean, I can belong in some ways, but not others. I’ll hinder you. I’ll be jealous or bumble my way through it…”
“As I do when your friends are talking a million miles an hour and over each other… Off into space I look. But it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have them. And me.”
“Except I always have them. I’ve had years of them. You’ve had barely months with your friends.”
“I admit I’ve been surprised how much I like them.”
“Yes. I think, you need to explore that. I think you’ll be even more surprised how much you like interacting in their world. The Deaf world.”
“Okay. I have been enjoying parts of it.”
“I mean fully. What if Felicity is right? And before you reassure me, ‘oh, no, she isn’t,’ I think we both know there is something distinctly discomforting about what she says. Maybe it hits just a little bit too close to home. Like that unsaid whisper…”
“Brianna?” His gaze narrowed in on her mouth.
“I think you belong in this new Deaf world. Deaf culture. Whatever the right way of saying it is. Without having to coddle me through it.”
“I live in River’s End and still work in the barns. There is nothing like this over there. So it’s a moot point. No need for dramatic martyrdom. Okay? So stop with whatever you’re leading towards here. I’m deaf. You hear. It’s not a social statement about being together and we’re not going to start now.”
“What if we should? That’s my point?”
“You made a mistake with Felicity. Yes. It was rude and culturally blind to her. Sure. But she is after me. So you weren’t wrong. And you know what? You’re treating her the same way you would treat any girl you’re jealous of.”
“You know she is?”
His mouth just barely lifted. “She is. But I don’t care, because I’m not interested in her like that. I’m only interested in you.”
“I think of all the things she could give you that I can’t. A friend circle. Networking. A social life and a sense of belonging. She can bring you into the world in so many ways I can’t.”
“So what? She is going to do all that anyway. I don’t have to fuck her to benefit from her kindness. If you trust me, I can be her friend, and your boyfriend. It took me a long time to even want that identity. To trust you were serious and not just experimenting with me. Or going through a phase. But you know what, Brianna? You taught me to believe in you. You were convincing enough to make me trust you. So don’t go fuck it all up now with what is quote-unquote better for me.”
She nodded. “I can’t compete with her.”
“No. You can’t.”
She jerked back as if he stung her. She was shocked he agreed. She stiffened her back.
He added, “But I don’t fucking love her. I love you. So there is nothing she can say or do that gives me what you do. Love, Brianna. So what do you want to do? Do you want me to date based on my head? My ears? Or my heart? Because you know what? It sounds like the best date is with my heart and my heart belongs to you. If you think that’s going to change, then you don’t understand how much I love you.”
Her eyes grew large before she shut them. She opened them after a long moment as her heart thumped and even hurt at his touching statement. She flung herself at him and showered his face with kisses. “I thought… I thought I was so right about all this. You should be with—”
“My kind?” He leaned back, his arms going around her as she began straddling him.
“Maybe. Okay? Yeah. I want you to be free and fully you. It scares me to lose you, but I know you deserve it.”
“I do deserve it. I didn’t know that until I met you. But you know what? I deserve you. I deserve to have the one that I love. I deserve to feel wonderful and be with the girl I love.”
She nodded, kissing his mouth before she leaned back.
He squeezed her. “I know what you’re saying and I appreciate it. But that’s the thing about you. From the very beginning, all you’ve done is put me first. Do you think anyone has ever been passionate about me? Or wanted what’s best for me? Even Felicity was offering me her experiences, what was best for her. You? You try harder than anyone I’ve ever known to do what’s best for me. Do you think I’d ever turn away from you? For what? Someone who signs faster than average?”
“I’ll learn. I promise you. I will learn it and I will use your language.”
“We will use both languages. We’re both. I think that’s the lesson I’m learning. We don’t have to announce who and what defines Deaf. We get to love and be together as much as any couple. That’s what I know and want.”
She tilted her head against him. Deflating. She hung onto his neck. She feared she was about to break up with him for his own good and he’d agree.
“So now you can tell me what happened up there.”
She lifted her head. “I forgot you couldn’t hear.”
“You probably forgot your own name. You were hysterical, honey.” He smiled to gentle the words and touched her cheek.
“How can you still care about me and tease me, when I have been so awful and confused and…”
“What?”
“Guilty. I was so tired that I didn’t want to keep having to look at you. I just wanted you to hear it all.”
“Yeah, well I wanted to hear it all. Just because we said we love each other doesn’t mean we have a fucking thing figured out yet.”
“But do you think we can figure it out?”
“I think we can if we want to. So when you’re not so tired we can practice. When you know sign language, we can use that between us.”
“But what about situations like just now with my family?”
“What about it? I’m not dead from a few moments of not knowing what’s being said, now am I?”
“I hate when you don’t know what’s being said.”
“I know.” He leaned over and cupped her face. His smile tender. “You care more than I do. It’s part of why there was no way I wasn’t going to fall in love with you. Realize that. But also realize I’m used to it. I know that pains you. But you’ll really have to get used to it too. You can’t make me hear. You can’t make me always understand the language I simply can’t hear. Sometimes, like tonight, I just can’t be part of conversations.” He smiled at her tenderly. “So I’ll just wait and know that you’ll fill me in, right?”
Her eyes streamed with tears. She sniffed. “Right. Always. Oh, but Finn, there’s not a great track record for hearing-deaf marriages.”
His eyebrows rose. “More of your research? Are we getting married?”
She pretended to punch his arm. He caught her fist and took it in his hand. “But if we ever get there…”
“Then we decide what it will be, right? Don’t compare the deaf and hearing stuff anymore, okay? I’m not a project, Brianna. That’s what Felicity expects me to be.”
“Not a project, but we can’t pretend we’re totally without barriers. And you know who has a lot of suggestio
ns? My damn nemesis: Felicity.”
“How are you getting tips from your nemesis?”
“Her damn blog. It’s really good. It addresses every situation one could ever dream up or think of and she describes how it feels or looks to a deaf person. She also tackles issues and questions regarding relationship stuff. I’m sure some of her current posts have a direct link to us. We’re her inspiration. I am convinced she expects me to read it.”
“So what’s one of her directives?”
“I can’t interpret for you, she says it will only make me more powerful in the relationship.”
“It makes it easier though. You can hear. Sometimes we’re caught in a crowd and you can tell me stuff. I like it. Why not take advantage of it? Next?”
She rolled her eyes at his careless words. “We should communicate totally in sign. Between us. When I learn it. We will be a ‘deaf-centered’ couple, not a—”
“Hearing-centered? Yes, I know some buzz words too. Except I can speak and we do fine reading lips. How about doing both, when your skills get there?” He leaned forward and touched his lips to hers. “We can do whatever we want. There isn’t a book or a bible or a routine that will guarantee this is going to work, Brianna. But you love me and I love you. We can discuss topics I never dreamed any couple should or would, and yet, we come out even stronger for it. So keep telling me the truth. Like crying when you forget I can’t hear you in your grief? That’s not so shocking or upsetting. But if you hide it, then I’d resent it. See the difference? Be honest.” He smiled, staring at her like no other human being could. “The thing I’ve loved about you the most is how honest you are with me. Not with me as a deaf man, or a ranch worker or whatever other label I could carry… and hell, it all comes down to being deaf. With you, however, it all comes down to me being me. I get the full Brianna and I give you the full Finn, because you demand it. So be honest with me, and I’ll be honest with you, we’ll use sign language and spoken English. However the fuck it works, just as long as you and I communicate. Okay?”
She stared open-mouthed at him. “You’ve never said that much to me.”
“Well, I can now. The thing about you is: I can finally say a lifetime of words I’ve never wanted to say until I could say them to you.”
“Me?” she replied softly. Her smile was weak.
“You.”
She nodded slowly. “Okay. “
“Okay? That’s your final response? Your take on this? Okay?”
“Okay. Yes. We’ll be honest and try to talk using our mouths and hands and whatever works. We’ll have your friends and my friends and my family, who will soon be your family too, huh? And we’ll love each other… That’s what’s going to happen. And it all works together.”
“Then why don’t you tell me what happened to you today?”
“You already know.”
“I know what your mom thinks happened. And what happened to your brother. Now I want to know what happened to you.”
She closed her eyes for a moment. Then she nodded and opened her eyes and started to talk.
And Finn watched her and listened.
Epilogue
Not surprisingly, Brianna’s mom and Joey ended up as the guardians of Silas. Jacob and Teresa surrendered custody after several heartbreaking incidents of drug use, and neither one would stop. For Brianna, having a baby in her mom’s house was a blessing and a tragedy. It meant her brother wasn’t around. He wasn’t a father. It also meant, her mother was a new mom again and Joey was a new dad.
She stopped seeing her brother. A year after Silas came to live in River’s End, Teresa, his mom, overdosed and died. Jacob texted Hailey to let her know. He neither came home, answered their texts to him, nor told them if he was all right or not.
Another year passed before they got word Jacob was in jail.
They were heartbroken over losing Jacob, but gaining Silas was a godsend. They all loved Silas.
Brianna accepted the job as Shield Shelter’s public relations director. It turned out most of the work could be done remotely through digital technology. She posted all their online content and media. She also met with prospective donors and kept the existing ones regularly informed. She organized plenty of fundraisers for the shelter and kept it substantially funded.
Along side that she ran the Rydell’s summer camp, and kept a pretty steady stream of funding for both it and River’s Rescue.
She and Finn ended up staying in River’s End. Finn loved his job, and she could manage all of her diverse jobs working from there.
As a compromise, they often commuted to Everett for her work and so Finn could enjoy Deaf culture in Felicity’s circle. They also visited each other and went to events. But in their everyday lives, the quiet, rural life worked best for them. Mostly for Finn, but Brianna was fine when she decided to live there permanently. She got to see her mom all the time, instead of her dad. She intended to settle near one or the other, and it happened to be her mom.
But honestly? Her mom needed her now more than she ever had, after Jacob’s downhill spiral back to drugs. Losing him to jail just about killed her mom. And becoming a newborn’s mom again at her age? After the initial shock and surprise, the joy of it emerged and she and Joey shared the duties of raising a baby. It drew them even closer into a private, little family. But the guilt from that also ate at her mom.
Brianna got very proficient at sign language but it was still an ongoing learning experience. She did the basics with Finn, and online, but she didn’t learn as fast as she wanted to. Naturally, it became harder, the further she got into it. As any language would. She even took a graduate level class in sign language. And then another, and another, until eventually, she became certified as an official interpreter.
Finn rolled his eyes. “This is strictly for you, not me. You like school and even more, you like to be the best at whatever you do. You don’t need a college degree to talk to me.”
She smiled. He was right. About it all. She did like school. She loved to get As. She adored being the star student of anything she was part of. Even driver’s education had been that way for her. She discovered that she loved sign language and the freedom it gave her to talk to Finn. She had no problem communicating with Finn now. Completely, and fully, she discovered the unmuted Finn. So for that she cherished the language.
She eventually became proficient enough to be an interpreter.
It was nice to talk to Finn’s friends too. She was an integral part of his life now, not just a romantic part. Casual conversations with his crowd made him so proud of her. Except Felicity. Brianna could never really warm up to Felicity.
One day, Felicity stood as Finn’s best person in his wedding. She stood beside Finn when he married Brianna. And oh, yes, Brianna might have flashed Felicity a smug, knowing smile that she needed no sign language to understand.
Finn was finally all hers. Only hers. Never Felicity’s.
But she urged him to have plenty of friends.
So what if she might have taken her sign language training a little far? Her unflagging excitement over it kept her going, as she was known to do. And Finn was right about her: she loved American Sign Language more than he did. She adored working in the schools or being called in for medical appointments or to colleges when a deaf or hard of hearing person needed a translator. She worked on an as-needed basis. She didn’t have to work of course, since she had Shield Shelter, the camp, and all her direct sales to keep her financial planner smiling and busy with all the money she earned. She did quite well for herself and eventually for them.
Finn was so right that it wasn’t ASL or spoken English that most mattered between them. In so many ways between, language was irrelevant when they had the rare, beautiful gift of hearing each other, always, and no matter what. The simple, uncomplicated beautiful communication of being in love.
* * *
Thank you for reading RIVER’S RESCUE!
I hope you fell in love with Finn and Brianna.
If you haven’t read the start of this series… meet Jack and Erin and see where it all started in book #1, River's End.
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Keep reading for an excerpt of RIVER’S WINTER…
Excerpt from River’s Winter.
He shifted around, distinctly uncomfortable with hearing himself and all the attention. There was eyewitness accounts of him added to it all. It stunned him to hear the “hero” label and some of the more stunning description of what happened.
Hailey shook her head, tears in her eyes. “Oh, Jacob. This is…stunning. Hard to take in.”
He nodded. “It’s unbelievable.”
Finally, he clicked off the TV. “I can’t watch it. The hero stuff is great, but that means too, eight people are dead. That baby… that baby cried and cried and so easily could have been a victim and there she sat crying, vulnerable, trapped… and I couldn’t get to her.” He shook his head. “It’s hard to hear it portrayed as a happy story. It’s not. Even my part.”
Joey and his mom nodded, quiet reigned. Joey then said, “What you did is going to count for a lot. You deserve the acclaim. And I appreciate you not letting it go to your head and understanding what others lost. Be proud, Jacob. This was who you were raised to be.”