by Jo Watson
Greg texts that he is walking out of the airport, so I make my way to his terminal and pull in behind a large white van. I am only half-aware of the group of men filing into the van, but as I watch the sliding glass doors, Jackson emerges and walks toward the van, as well. I have never seen him look so terrible, his eyes sunken in with such sadness it takes my breath away.
As if he can feel my presence, he turns his head in my direction and makes eye contact with me. I can hear the blood pounding in my ears as I watch him start to walk toward me. Before he can take three steps, Greg startles me as he opens the back door of my car and throws his bag on the seat. He opens the passenger door and climbs in, leaning over and giving me a kiss on the cheek.
Jackson stops dead in his tracks and watches me as I pull away from the curb. Just like that, the weeks we have spent together are gone and my life is right back where it was before I met him. Only now, instead of defiance and helplessness, I feel devastated and hopeless. I had a taste of what love could be and I know that no amount of time is going to wash that down.
Greg is talking about all the work he has done over the past few weeks and I can tell he is nervous. When he reaches over and takes my hand I let him. With a smile, he squeezes my hand. “I’ve missed you, Madeline. I’m so happy to be back.”
“It’s good to have you home, Greg.” We don’t push it past that and ride in silence until we get to his condo. Greg gets his bag out of the backseat and I open the trunk and take mine out, too. He looks puzzled, but reaches out to take it from me.
We walk up the steps and into the lobby of his building. Greg pushes the button for his floor and we watch as the numbers above the elevator indicate that it is getting closer.
“Um, are you…staying, Madeline?”
“If it would be okay with you, I would like to stay here for a few days.” I look into his eyes and try to convey my need for company and he nods and offers a tight smile.
“Of course. Let’s get settled and then we can talk.” We step into the elevator and ride in silence up to his floor. When we arrive and the doors open, Greg nods his head toward the hallway so that I take the lead. He fishes around in his pocket for his keys as I wait by his door.
Inside, he puts our bags down and stands in front of me. When he opens his arms to invite me in for a hug, I dive into him. It feels so good to be held again and I can’t hold the tears back. Greg sways back and forth, rocking me as I cry into his chest. “This past couple of weeks has been something else, huh?”
I can’t even speak; the sobs have rendered my voice useless. Greg takes my hand and leads me into the living room, stopping to grab a box of tissues on the way. We sit on the sofa and I take a few deep breaths to chase away the last traces of crying.
“Caleb told me about how hard Ben came down on you. He should have minded his own business.” Greg says.
“Yeah, well, he was right. I’ll spare you the details, but I was reckless with my heart, despite all the warnings you and Ben gave me.” I try to clean my face up with the tissue Greg hands me.
“I’m so sorry, Madeline—”
“Greg, I love you but I’m not in love with you. I think I need to be honest with you and with myself. I thought it was as simple as saying yes to you and no to Jackson, but it is so much more complicated. It’s over between Jackson and me, but my heart won’t let him go. I feel so guilty that I am even having this conversation with you; I don’t deserve your friendship after what I’ve done.” I pull another tissue from the box and Greg catches my wrist. I look up to his face and see that something is wrong.
“What is it?” I ask, as my stomach sinks.
“I slept with Emily, Madeline. Don’t feel guilty for what you did; I’m not innocent, either. Don’t get me wrong—I was completely committed to you until this trip, but when I let you go, I found her. I can’t help but think that maybe it was the idea of you and me that I was so in love with.” Greg reaches out and wipes a tear that has run down to my chin as I process what he has told me.
“Emily, your assistant?” He nods his head and waits as that information sinks in. I smile when I realize that I am more curious than I am angry or hurt. In this moment I realize that he will always be a friend in my heart. “Is it weird to say that I have always liked her?” I laugh softly and he smiles back at me.
“Yes, it is weird, but I am relieved to hear you say it. It doesn’t mean I don’t care about you, Madeline. I do. I just knew that you weren’t mine anymore, and it set me free.” He holds my hand in his for a moment, then I open my arms and give him a big hug.
“Thank you, Greg, for telling me. I hope we can still be friends. I don’t think I could make it through this if I were to lose you.” He nods his head yes and then kisses my forehead tenderly.
“Madeline, talk to him. If you love Jackson, then you need to make it work.”
“I can’t, Greg.” I explain to him about the letter in my mother’s jewelry box. “I would never be able to get past the idea that my mother wouldn’t have wanted him for me. And obviously my father and my brothers—well, except maybe Caleb—would never accept him. And it makes no difference, anyway, because I stopped by his apartment the other night and his ex-girlfriend answered the door in a T-shirt and panties. You and Ben were right about him.”
Greg hugs me again and rubs my back. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. Look, we’re both exhausted. Why don’t you take my bed and I’ll sleep out here on the couch. We can talk more about it in the morning if you want.” I nod my head and make my way to the bathroom to change into something I can sleep in.
When I am tucked into Greg’s bed I close my eyes tight and try to think of anything I can that will keep my mind off of Jackson. I can’t listen to my heart anymore in matters of love because of where it has gotten me. I can hear Greg out in the living room as he settles himself on his couch. At least I haven’t lost his friendship in this mess that I have created.
I hear my phone vibrating in my bag and I get up and retrieve it.
Jackson: Rookie, please talk to me. If I have lost you to him, please at least let me know why.
Me: Jackson, just let it go.
Jackson: Not in this lifetime. It may not matter to you, or to the rest of this world, but it matters to me.
I wish it were true, but I know what I saw. I shut my phone off and pull the covers over my head. In the morning I will tell my family I am not going to marry Greg. I will change my phone number and pick up a few more items of clothing so I can stay away from the apartment. I will take my first steps into a life without Jackson and my heart will start to heal. All of this will happen in the morning, but tonight I am going to allow myself a few hours of peace as I drift off to sleep, remembering what it was like to be in Jackson’s arms.
Chapter Sixteen
The evidence of winter break descends upon the campus. The usually busy walkways are scattered with the few students who have chosen to hang around. I have just finished my last final, and I am on my way back to my apartment. It has been thirty days since that night at Greg’s condo. I know this number because I feel every minute of those thirty days as if each one took an hour.
I have been spending a lot of time sleeping over at Caleb’s so I can avoid the apartment and any chances of running into Jackson. If I see him again, I might crumble. I feel like a thin layer of glue holds the pieces of me together and with one strong touch, I will crack and shatter again.
I changed my number and threatened Abby and Kyle within an inch of their lives that it is not to be given to anyone under any circumstances. I know this has put them in an awkward position but I see no other way around it. If I can just keep my distance until I forget what it feels like to be in Jackson’s arms, or the feeling of butterflies taking flight in my stomach at the sound of his voice, then maybe I can get over him.
Abby and Kyle have been understanding about my moping but Abby still begs me every once in a while to tell her what happened. I am too humiliated to share my story, and Kyle
and Jackson are good friends now; I don’t want to put Kyle in the middle any more than he already is.
My brothers have been more supportive of my breakup with Greg than I would have expected. They were curious about what happened with Jackson, but didn’t ask too many questions. Ben was the most vocal of all, and in his own way, he may have been trying to make me feel better.
“Thank God you got that guy out of your system, Madeline,” he said. “Typical jock—not the right guy for you at all. Only an immature boy would put football ahead of business. You need someone with commitment and drive. I don’t think I ever could have forgiven you if you’d gotten serious with Jackson Rider.”
Jackson said he would never give up, but that didn’t last very long. He left flowers and notes in our corner on the rooftop every day for the first two weeks, but then one day I climbed the trellis to find only a note. In it, Jackson said that he would walk away if it meant my happiness, because that’s what people do for the ones they love.
As I open the door to my apartment this afternoon, I immediately feel that something it different. Instead of the heavy mood that has blanketed the place as Abby and Kyle try to figure out their relationship, there is a buzz of excitement that is almost intoxicating. Abby is bouncing up and down and comes racing toward me, wrapping me in her arms.
I shoot a curious look to Kyle over her shoulder, wondering what I have missed. Kyle shrugs his shoulders and smiles the biggest smile I have ever seen from him. Abby pulls out of our hug and squeals as she flashes her left hand in front of my face. I have to grab her wrist to get her to stop waving it long enough for me to focus on the beautiful diamond that sits on her ring finger.
Once the connection is made, my hand flies over my mouth and I gape at her. “You’re getting married?” She nods enthusiastically and I throw my arms around her, joining her in her little bounce. My own troubles are forgotten for a moment as my heart soars with excitement for Abby and Kyle.
Abby finally finds her voice again and practically screams, “Get packed, Madeline! Our flight leaves in two hours!”
“Our flight?” I grab her arms to stop the bouncing so I can process what she has just said.
“Yes! VEGAS, BABY! We need you to be a witness.” Abby and Kyle are getting married in Vegas. I am going to be the witness. All these facts are slowly sinking in and I shake my head as I try to keep up. Her face falls. “Madeline, you will do it, won’t you?”
“Of course! I wouldn’t miss it. I was just surprised. Let me throw some things together. I’ll be ready.” I make my way to my bedroom and shut the door behind me. I throw a few things into a bag and I text my family the news and receive a bunch of responses telling me to congratulate them. This is the answer for Abby and Kyle. If they are married, her family will approve of her moving away with him.
I slide my mother’s jewelry box into my bag because it almost feels like there is a piece of her with me when it is around. The three of us climb into a cab and head for the airport. It is a rush of bags and squeals and airport screeners. When we reach our gate we collapse into the plastic chairs and watch as people scurry to their flights. Abby reaches over and grabs my hand.
“Tell me what happened with Jackson, Madeline. Let’s have this talk so we can leave all the heavy shit here.” She is right, so I nod my head and begin.
“I went to his apartment to talk to him the night I found that letter of my mom’s.” I can’t take the pain that is growing in my chest with her sympathy so I look away. “I knocked on his door and Tina answered, only half dressed.”
Abby starts to protest but I cut her off. “Don’t bother, Abby. She told me Jackson was too busy to talk to me. I got the picture.”
Abby cuts a look to Kyle, squeezes my hand and then shakes her head no. “Tina wasn’t there with Jackson, Madeline, she was there with Trevor, his roommate. They’ve been together since right around the time you and Jackson started talking.”
I look to Kyle and he smiles and nods in agreement, but his smile quickly fades when his eyes focus on something behind me. “I guess it’s a good thing we have that sorted out.” I return my gaze to Abby, who scrunches her face in a look that says she is sorry. I turn around and my eyes immediately find Jackson’s as he makes his way across the airport. Kyle’s next words cause my heart to hammer in my chest: “I’ve asked him to be our other witness.”
Jackson always looks unbelievable, but I can see for certain that these weeks have hit him hard. There is no light in his eyes and he stares back at me without a smile. What were Abby and Kyle thinking? As if she reads my mind, Abby leans in and whispers, “It’s time to fix this, Madeline. We thought this might give it a little push.”
Jackson shakes Kyle’s hand and then pulls him in for a man hug. Abby is next and she throws her arms around him, lifting her legs behind her as he spins her around and congratulates them. I stand up as Jackson puts Abby down and she grabs Kyle’s hand and leads him away, saying something about getting coffee for the flight. Jackson and I stand there for a moment in silence before he takes a step toward me and I feel pulled to him like a magnet.
He is cautious at first as he wraps his arms under mine, and I throw my arms around him, cinching them tight enough to bury my face in his neck. His hands splay out across my back, pulling me so tightly against him I can feel his heartbeat. It feels wonderful to be back in his arms again and I hold on for dear life as he begins to rock me.
“Maddy, I have missed you so much,” he whispers in my ear, and then kisses just below it. “Please tell me what happened. I’m ruined, so fucking broken.” I hold him tighter, soaking in his warmth.
“I thought you slept with Tina.” I tell him about the night she answered the door. “I let her paint the picture and never questioned her motives. I was stupid.” Jackson pulls away from me but holds my hands. He brings one hand up to his mouth and brushes a kiss across my knuckles.
“She’s with my roommate, Rookie.” I nod and offer a half smile, but stop when I see the frustration in his eyes. “Why couldn’t you have talked to me about it? If that’s all that was wrong we could have fixed things, but instead I’ve spent four weeks living in hell.”
“It’s not that simple, Jackson. It’s not just that. I was coming over that night to tell you that I think my mom would have wanted me to follow my family’s advice on my future, the same way she did. It’s all in that letter you found in her jewelry box. She could have gone against her family’s wishes and married a man she was passionate about, but she didn’t and I’m sure she never regretted that decision. She was happy in her life with my father, I know she was.
“My father and my brothers think you’re the wrong guy for me and I don’t want to end up like my aunt Gwen, being cut out of my family’s life completely because I choose to follow my heart. My family is pushy and overbearing, but they mean the world to me.”
Jackson is silent as he takes in everything I have said. “I don’t think you’re making the right choice. I love you. We’ve been over this before—I can’t promise you we would have been happy forever, but I know we would have had one hell of a ride.” He kisses my forehead and then picks up his bag and leaves me standing alone in the terminal.
Abby and Kyle make their way back over to me and I know he has talked to them or at least texted them, because they don’t ask where he is. We sit in the row of plastic chairs in silence until we are called for boarding. I pretend I am not looking for Jackson, like it doesn’t matter if he is still coming with us or not. Abby and Kyle find their seats and I continue on to mine, three rows back. When I am seated by the window, I look up and see Abby turned to face me over the seats. She puts her hand over her heart and mouths the words, “I’m sorry,” before slinking back down next to Kyle.
The steady stream of passengers has slowed to a trickle and I hear the front door shutting. I look up to watch as the last passenger finds his seat. Jackson makes his way down the aisle, his eyes bloodshot, his ticket in his hand. When he reaches my r
ow, he sits down next to me and leans his head back. I can smell alcohol on his breath and I know immediately where he has been since he walked away.
We say nothing to each other as the plane taxis down the runway and only when we begin to take off does he put his hand on top of mine. I don’t look at him because I won’t be able to take it. I sit in my seat with his hand on mine, too weak to move. When the flight attendant comes by to take drink orders, Jackson hands her his card and orders a whiskey and cola. I surprise myself by asking for the same.
It is only a one-hour flight to Las Vegas and we have not moved our hands since Jackson joined them. As we begin our descent, I turn to face him.
“Jackson, why didn’t you tell me your family is in the hotel business?”
He nods, knowing that he has been found out. “My family looks at things differently than yours does, Rookie. Hotels are what we do, not who we are. I wanted you to love me independently of all that.”
I notice a sadness creeping into his eyes. He clears his throat. “Do you love Greg, Maddy?” Before I can answer, he leans closer and whispers, “Not love him like a friend, but like a lover. Does he light you up the way I can? Does he know the real you? Do you find yourself holding back like I have to when I’m around you, because every cell in my body wants to claim you? Do you?” Our faces are only inches apart now and the desire I have always felt for Jackson begins to surge through me. His touch grows warmer as he looks into my eyes, waiting for my response.
“No, I don’t love him like I love you. We broke up a month ago.” I see the surprise in his face and wait for him to say something.
“Did you…did you sleep with him? Just tell me—I have to know. It was all I could think about after seeing him kiss you at the airport that day.” I close my eyes and breathe in his scent.
“No, Jackson. Only you.” I feel his face against mine as he presses his lips to me. His hand wraps around my head and gathers me to him. I think about pushing him away, but I can’t, and instead I open my mouth to invite him in. The kiss is tender but hot, intensified by every minute of our time apart.