by Tiana Cole
“I'm not so sure about that. Maybe that's true of Laura and Penny. But then they're probably dying to have lunch with anyone.”
“That seems a mean thing to say.” I frowned at him.
“Oh, I didn't mean it to be,” he said holding up open palms. “But you work with them. You must know what they're like. Everyone else does.”
“I don't follow.”
“That office was once called The ONS. It stood for one night stand. It's what the girls in that office always used to be about: Laura, Penny and the girl before you. It was the place to be on a Monday morning for all the weekend gossip apparently. According to my sources the three girls shared their sordid weekend goings on with anyone wanting a hot story with their morning coffee.”
“Really? Those two?”
“Well I think they've calmed down now. Of the three, Penny and Laura weren't the most, let's say adventurous of the three. The girl who left, I'm told, is the one that everyone thought she was a slut.”
“It's all just stories behind her back, Joshua. You can't listen to that. Besides you're hardly ever in, how could you know for sure?”
“True. How can anyone? I just heard that she'd get all dressed up at the weekend and pick up any and every guy she could. I know – sounds far fetched. All I know is I prefer the chase. I'm in no way attracted to women like that.” He stopped to sip water. “Why are we talking about this anyway?”
“So, wait a minute, Joshua.” I had to say it. “You're telling me you don't go around doing one night hook ups? A young free and single guy like you.”
“Don't get me wrong, Libby. I was like that once. But a long time ago. I've calmed down a lot. Grown up, you could say. I don't want to be the sad guy who needs constant assurances all the time to prove he's a man. I'm into relationships. Proper ones. That last.”
“I see.”
“It's lucky for Laura and Penny they have someone as grounded as you to keep them focused.”
“I'm grounded? Is that how you see me?”
“Well yeah. Down to earth. Normal. Not the kind to hang around bars.”
I said nothing.
“Libby. I don't even know how we got onto this topic. It's a bit contentious for lunch.”
“Sorry. I should never have brought it up.”
“Well, all I mean is,” he said, his face becoming serious. “I don't play around any more. You see your little girl, one day that's what I want. To be married, settled and have a child. So I can't be chasing after a woman who's just out for thrills and doesn't want to settle down.”
I found myself breathing heavily and hardly able to look at Joshua. The food came and I didn't feel hungry. I picked at it and drank a lot of wine. Joshua didn't notice the change in me as the afternoon progressed, or at least I didn't think he did.
“What's wrong, Libby? Am I boring you?”
“No, not at all. Why do you say that?”
“Because I've banged on about the company, my hobbies, my car and you've hardly said a word. Don't you like the food? You've barely touched it.”
“I don't eat that much at lunch time usually.”
“You shouldn't have let me order for you. Tell you what. How about we try going for dinner next time. You pick the place and I won't go all macho on you and decide on the food.”
“Sometimes the alpha male can be a good thing. But, Joshua. I'm not so sure about dinner.”
“But why? I thought we were getting on.”
“You're so fast moving, Joshua. I can hardly keep up.”
“I'm sorry. I'm impulsive. I can't help it. I just would like to see you again.”
I stared into the distance. I knew that at some stage I had to tell Joshua the truth. But this wasn't the time. Maybe dinner was a good idea. Maybe when I was more relaxed with him I could come clean. All that was going through my mind was how disappointed he would be to discover how we made Giselle. The very thing he disrespected in people – the one night stand – resulted in her birth.
I didn't have the heart to tell him then and there. I needed another opportunity.
“Dinner it is,” I said raising my glass. Our glasses clinked above the table and below it my knee was bobbing up and down with the pressure of it all.
When we stepped out of the restaurant all I wanted to do was run away. Jump in a cab, collect Giselle from day care and escape to another country. I was afraid of the truth.
Chapter 12
“You're doing what?” Penny said to me on Friday late afternoon after I'd just told her my plans for the evening.
We were all talking about our forthcoming weekends. What Joshua had said to me about Penny, Laura and their one night stand weekends was on my mind when Laura brought up the subject of what everyone was doing at the weekend. So far I found no evidence to suggest that they still went in for that sort of thing. Perhaps they had calmed down as much as Joshua had.
Laura was visiting her mom in Philadelphia for the weekend and Penny was painting her bathroom. When I told them I was having dinner with Joshua, their eyes popped out of their heads.
“Well, it's official then,” Penny said. “You guys are dating. It's the first office romance in ages. You have to tell us everything come Monday morning.”
“Promise,” I said. But no way was I going to tell them everything. Especially not the part where I told Joshua, 'Guess what? You're a father.'
“What will you wear?” Laura said looking all dreamy and resting her chin in her hand.
“You guys!” I said looking from one to the other. “It's just dinner. He says I intrigue him. Maybe it's the mystery of the older woman. Once he's unraveled it, that will probably be that. He'll move on. Don't get your hopes up that this will be the romance of the century or anything.”
“But Joshua is so gorgeous.” Penny said in an equally dreamy voice. “I wish I was an older woman.”
“Girls! Are you listening to yourselves? Don't wish your lives away. Trust me. Big mistake.”
I'd hired a baby sitter, recommended by my neighbor. Giselle took an instant liking to the tall, streaky girl with layers and layers of black eyeliner. I was a little afraid of her when I opened the door but she seemed to build up an instant rapport with Giselle and that put me at my ease. Besides, she'd come highly recommended.
“Don't worry about a thing,” she said, as if reading my mind.
“Bye-bye mommy.” Well Giselle was happy to pack me off – so, that was me, out the door and on my way to the restaurant to meet, Joshua.
I remembered Tracy saying dinner was a dating meal. It felt just like a date. I had butterflies in my tummy. I didn't know which I was more nervous about; this being an actual date or the task I had ahead of me of letting Joshua know he was a father.
In the taxi I worked on the exact words I'd use to the point of saying them aloud until I realized that, through his rear view mirror, the taxi driver was giving me strange looks.
He deposited me outside Chiara's. I had chosen the place. Italian. I knew some Italian and I hoped to impress Joshua with my knowledge after letting him take the lead on ordering our Spanish lunch a couple of weeks before.
Joshua stood up when he saw me enter.
“Wow, Libby, you look absolutely stunning.” His smile was broad, his eyes surveyed my entire body. I wore a figure hugging black dress with a deep V neckline. The sleeves were sheer chiffon and the body was jersey. It clung in all the right places.
“Thanks, Joshua.” I took my seat and looked at the more casual shirt he wore compared to the formal work clothes he wore on our lunch date. He was wearing dark jeans and his entire image reminded of the first time I saw him, smart but casually dressed at Adrenalin when he was out for a good time.
We made small talk for the most part of the evening. I was enjoying myself. I was feeling relaxed and laid back. The conversation flowed and very soon came around to the subject of children. I was the one raising it but not with any kind of motive involved. It just came out after Joshua's comment about
me looking so much younger than I actually was and that I didn't look like I'd had a child.
“Well,” I said, letting three glasses of wine loosen my tongue. “It's so much easier to lose the weight after just one. You fathers don't have to worry about that, though. Having children won't spoil your figure.”
“Well I'm not a father,” he said, “so I wouldn't know. But I'll take your word for it.”
I paused with my wine glass inches from my lips. Why did I start the talk about children in that way? It was so flippant. I needed to approach the subject on a more serious note and I'd made light of pregnancy and childbirth. Joshua was still laughing and I had a fake smile on my face, it seemed wrong to somehow say, “Well actually you are a father.” No, I'd blown it. Why did I have to drink so much? What an idiot.
“It's a nice little place you chose to eat in, by the way, Libby.” Joshua had already changed the subject so I was too late anyway. I got a vision in my mind of Tracy shaking her head at me. The longer I left it the more difficult it would become.
Joshua rode with me in the taxi home. He asked the taxi to wait as he walked me up the steps to the front door.
“I had a great time,” he said. His aftershave was sensuous and I curved into his strong body when he kissed me. It was a long, sexy kiss. My eyes were still closed when our lips softly parted. I would tell him the next time. I would.
But, much like the first dinner date, Joshua and I were lost in each other. We had gone to see a movie and then had a pizza in a busy restaurant down town. We talked about everything from politics to religion until eventually it was Joshua who brought up Giselle. I talked about her for a long while, still I couldn't get to the truth.
“She sounds remarkable,” Joshua said. “Truly remarkable. I loved that picture I saw of her in your office. I can't get her image out of my mind. Very striking features she has.”
“I know.”
“Tell me, Libby, would you say she looks more like her father? She didn't look that much like you.”
Here goes, I thought to myself. The moment of truth. But, just as I opened my mouth, a couple came up beside Joshua and interrupted me.
“Hey, Josh old man. Long time no see.” A man shook Joshua's hand, vigorously, until Joshua stood and gave him a bear hug, patting him energetically on the back.
“Kyle!” Then Joshua turned to the woman beside Kyle and hugged her, kissing her on each cheek. “You're looking as beautiful as ever, Lena. I can't believe you're still with this old fool.” He patted Kyle and turned to me. “Libby, meet a couple of very good friends. Although I hardly see them these days. This is Kyle and Lena.”
Lena had already sat down on a spare chair beside me and leaned over to kiss each of my cheeks.
“Nice to meet you,” she said. “Josh seems to have kept you a bit of a secret. But then again he always has got someone or something up his sleeve.” She turned and winked at him and I wondered what she meant by that.
“Don't listen to her, Libby. They always play games like that. Ever since we were in college together.” Joshua was animated. He'd forgotten what he'd asked about Giselle. I was feeling relief and started breathing easy. His friends stayed chatting at our table for a good while. In fact it was time for me to leave way before they showed any intention of getting up and going.
“I can just jump in a taxi, Joshua,” I told him. “If you want to stay with-”
“Nonsense,” Joshua said. “I'll take you home.”
I wondered if it was because he wanted to continue the conversation about who Giselle most looked like, but by the time the taxi stopped outside my apartment building all we'd talked about was his friends.
“No need to come out of the taxi, Joshua,” I said hurriedly and kissed his lips before jumping out.
“Oh... okay,” he said. “Can I call you? I want to see you again.”
“That would be great.” I backed away to the front door. The taxi did not pull away until I'd let myself in. I waved to Joshua and he blew me a kiss but I was sure I caught a strange expression on his face.
***
I had been out with Joshua twice and still I hadn't uncovered the truth. He was only an hour from picking me up for the third date and I was determined to tell all. One of Tracy's twin girls, Layla, was babysitting little Giselle. Tracy dropped her off, but before leaving my apartment she grabbed my arm and pulled me out into the hall.
“You're going to do it this time aren't you, Libby?” she said, her eyes bulging in a knowing way.
“Do what?” I looked as innocent as my lying heart would allow.
“Don't play games. This is date number three. What are you playing at?”
“Okay, okay,” I said to Tracy. “This time, I mean it. I'll tell him.”
“And what stopped you the other times?”
“Well after the first meal, it was just too hard to bring the subject up. I needed to think long and hard about how to drop the bombshell and words failed me.”
“And the second time?”
“It was on the tip of my tongue, Tracy, I swear. And then his friends showed up. It was strange, it was like he was inviting me to tell him. I don't know why I thought that but once he'd dropped me home it was like he forgot all about Giselle.”
“You're back tracking, Libby. The longer you take over this the harder it's going to be. And that means for both of you.”
“God, Tracy, you don't have to keep on reminding me. Let me handle it my way would you?”
“He is going to freak out when he finds out.”
“Like I am already you mean? You think this is easy, Tracy? But I swear, tonight it will happen.”
“What will happen?” said Tracy's daughter, Layla, putting her head around the door. We both just stared at her. “Anyway, Giselle just asked if I could sleepover.”
“Sure,” Tracy said. Layla went back to playing with Giselle and stared long and hard at me. “There,” she said. “That's the perfect opportunity. Layla will be here all night so that gives you ample opportunity. You don't have to cut the date short and you can plan it to a tee. Trust me. Once the truth is out you'll feel a whole lot better, Libby.”
I hugged her. “Thanks Tracy. I know you're right and thank you for letting Layla stay. I'm going to need a long run up for this.”
“Be brave.”
She walked off down the stairs. When I went back into the apartment to finish getting ready I saw Giselle on Layla's back and Layla on all fours giving her a donkey ride. They both smiled at me and I went to take off my robe and slip into my dress and heels. I took one last look at the chocolate colored dress. It was tight and came to just above the knee.
I hoped it wasn't too short for a woman of forty.
“Pretty mommy!” Giselle said as I was leaving. It gave my confidence a boost. It was now or never.
***
I realized when Joshua and I had gotten to our coffees that the determination I had to tell him about Giselle had faded to nothing since we first arrived. It wasn't only the fact that I knew he had a low opinion of women who went on one night stands, I also had a lot of wounded pride.
In all of this constant need to reveal all, there was one thing that had never come up. The fact that Joshua didn't even damn well remember me above all the other women he'd screwed. My feelings for Joshua were like two sides of a coin.
On the one hand, I could feel that I was falling in love with him. I loved his touch on my skin, even just holding hands. I loved the way he made me feel protected. He laughed with me and we became good friends fast. There was just something about him that I couldn't resist and the fact that it was Joshua himself who was the father of my child, filled me with pride. He was super intelligent, kind and generous.
I didn't suppose anyone at the office knew how much work he did for charities, especially helping children, but that was a wonderful side to him I really admired.
But on the other hand, there was this arrogant man who looked down on people who had one night stand
s as if he'd never been that way himself. Granted, he'd claimed to have turned a page on that way of life but I felt he would judge me and for some reason might be disappointed that someone who acted like a slut was the mother of his child.
I know if I'd said all this to Tracy, she'd think I was just stalling and making excuses. But she didn't know how much the whole situation was eating me up inside. I'd been awake so many nights wishing that Mark hadn't walked out on me, given it more time and perhaps he would have been the father of my baby one day.
“A penny for them,” Joshua said. “You look a million miles away.”
There was music playing in the restaurant. I live band of jazz musicians were providing the atmosphere and my thoughts had been traveling off with the soft notes of the piano and the smooth sound of the saxophone.
“Oh, my apologies,” I said. “I guess I was getting carried away by the music.”
“I thought we could get the bill and go for a walk,” he said.
“Fine,” I replied. Maybe a walk would be the proper back drop to my telling him about Giselle, I thought, rather than a busy restaurant.
It was a warm night. The streets seemed to be deserted of people and cars and for miles I could hear nothing other than our footsteps on the ground. Joshua took my hand. I looked up at him and smiled as a wave of electricity ignited in me from the feel of his large hand enclosing mine.
We were near the river now and lights reflected off it as it rippled, soundlessly, beside us.
“My apartment over looks the river,” Joshua said. “Would you like to come up?”
“I would,” I said.
“I was hoping you didn't have to rush off for your baby sitter again tonight.”
“Luckily, she's staying over,” I said. “So I have bit more time for a change.”
“Great.” Joshua stopped walking and turned to me. He took my cheeks in his hands and turned my face up to him so he could kiss me. It was a long passionate kiss. His tongue was decisive as it circled inside my mouth. His breath was tantalizing on my cheek and I squeezed my eyes tighter, not wanting the kiss to end. His hands traveled from my waist, made slow movements to my hips and then to my buttocks. He pulled me into him.