As Dead as It Gets

by Katie Alender

“Well, maybe you brought me here for the wrong reason,” I said.

  She gave a half laugh and looked at me. “I’m starting to think the same thing, believe it or not. That is, I’m glad you’re here—because you’re clearly dangerous. But I have a theory, Alexis.”

  A theory?

  “You called me to say there might have been some kind of supernatural activity involved in Kendra’s and Ashleen’s disappearances. At the time I thought you were being a little paranoid. Then I get a call from your boyfriend saying you’re going on about ghosts. So at that point, I think—maybe so. Maybe it is supernatural.”

  My heart soared with hope.

  “But it’s not, Alexis,” she said. “And I think you know it.”

  My soaring heart did a tailspin. “What—what do you mean?”

  “I mean that as far as my team and my equipment can tell, there is not and has never been a ghost involved in those girls’ deaths.” Her blank face transformed. Her half smile disappeared, and she was suddenly as serious as death. “So maybe there is no ghost, Alexis.…Maybe there’s just you.”

  It took a second for me to comprehend what she was saying—

  That she blamed me—not an evil spirit, but me—for what had happened to Kendra, Ashleen, and Elliot.

  “That’s ridiculous,” I said. “I’m not a killer.”

  “It’s ridiculous that since you’ve been here, the only new attack has been on your own roommate?”

  I didn’t answer.

  “It’s ridiculous that every one of the girls who’s been targeted has been linked to you in some way—after she’s gone missing? We know about the anonymous tip, Alexis. You left fingerprints all over the pay phone.”

  “I’m telling you,” I said. “I’m trying to save them!”

  “And I’m telling you—there is no ghost.” She sat back and gave me a coolly appraising glance. “So maybe what you’ve been trying to save them from is yourself.”

  I got transferred to the blue ward, which meant the pajamas were blue instead of sickly pink. But there were other differences: one patient per room. Two nurses’ stations instead of one. Twice as many orderlies. And we didn’t get trays when we ate—we got paper plates.

  I was falling down the rabbit hole of risk assessment. What came after blue, I wondered. Green? Yellow? And what was the final level? What color pajamas did you get when your room consisted of four padded walls and a mattress? When your days were spent in total isolation?

  Gray, I thought. Then Lydia and I can both be in the gray void.

  I could end up staying at Harmony Valley forever, locked away in some inner level, never coming into contact with the outside world. Some people really did live like that—the dangerous ones. The killers.

  And as I sat and stared at the soap opera playing on TV (in the blue ward, the remote was kept at the nurses’ desk), I realized—why shouldn’t I? Why shouldn’t I be locked away, kept isolated from the world and the outdoors and other people?

  Just say Jared was right, and Laina wanted us to be together forever. Say she was attacking girls who tried to keep us apart. If I were stashed in some basement bunker, no more girls could try to keep us apart. So Laina would be happy. And Jared would be happy.

  And I would be…safe. Safe from being the reason other people got hurt.

  Suddenly it didn’t sound so awful. I mean, it sounded awful, but it sounded like the kind of awful I could learn to live with. Not nearly as bad as standing back and watching innocent girls die.

  Now all I had to do was convince Agent Hasan to sink me deeper into the belly of Harmony Valley. And somehow I didn’t think that would be too hard to do.

  “Alexis?” One of the nurses beckoned me over to the desk. She handed me a letter in an open envelope. “This was dropped off for you. We didn’t read it—we just had to check to make sure there weren’t any unauthorized items inside.”

  I nodded and sat down, opening the letter.

  It was from Jared.

  Dear Alexis,

  I know you’ll understand someday. Until then, I’ll keep loving you, and only you. And Laina will make sure no one comes between us.

  Yours always,

  J.

  The nurses were used to my cooperation by now. So my night nurse didn’t notice when I tucked my four pills under my tongue and kept them there instead of swallowing. As soon as she was gone, I spat them out and tucked them under the side of my mattress.

  No more twilight haze for me. I needed to be alert—so I could say the exact right things to Agent Hasan.

  I tossed and turned all night, my body yearning for the forced relaxation of the medication. At one point I almost reached under the mattress for one of the pills.

  But I resisted.

  The next morning I was wide awake—wired, even. I jittered through breakfast and hurried to the nurses’ station to request a meeting with Agent Hasan.

  I’d made up my mind—I was going to tell her that she needed to find a way for me to stay at Harmony Valley forever.

  The nurse was on the phone, a deep frown on her face. She lifted her finger in a “just a sec” gesture. “Yes. Well, she’s actually right here—”

  Who, me? I stared at her. I was the only patient near the desk.

  Suddenly, the game show playing on the TV behind me was interrupted by a volley of trumpet music.

  Feeling like I was moving in slow motion, I turned around and watched the breaking news banner come on-screen.

  “Yet another Surrey teen is missing in what police are now calling the most bizarre series of deaths on record in Dennison County. According to the chief of police, the Federal Bureau of Investigation is prepared to get involved.”

  How could I be so stupid?

  Even if I was locked up…Laina wasn’t.

  There were plenty of ways for girls to try to come between Jared and me—whether I was there or not.

  And then two pieces of information stood out like framed photographs in my mind:

  One, that Kasey had gone to talk to Jared.

  Two, that she’d told him we weren’t meant to be together.

  So I didn’t even have to wait for the picture to come up on the screen.

  I knew Laina had taken my sister.

  I SAT ON MY BED. LOCKED IN MY ROOM.

  Which is what they do to you, I guess, if you start yelling about needing to talk to a woman whose name isn’t even on record with the hospital. Especially if the name is “Agent Hasan.” That really plays into the paranoiddelusional-conspiracy-theory reputation you’ve got going.

  I’d only stopped yelling when they’d threatened to sedate me.

  If I let that happen, Kasey’s odds of surviving went from slim to less than none. So I would behave. Even if it meant I was exploding inside.

  My sister was in mortal danger. And I was beyond stuck.

  I would fight Laina. I would fight her with every last hint of life in my body if I could save my sister. But that was impossible. I couldn’t even get to her.

  Despite trying to hold myself together, I collapsed into jags of gasping sobs every few minutes.

  There was no way out of Harmony Valley.

  I fell sideways onto the bed and grabbed the corner of the pillow in my fist, twisting it tightly in my hand, my body shaking from the effort of not completely losing control of myself.

  If only I had an ally. If only I hadn’t forced Lydia to try to stop Laina when she knew she couldn’t. Now she was in the gray void and I was completely alone.

  “Lydia,” I whispered. “I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to kill you again.”

  “What? Of course you didn’t, stupid.”

  I sat up.

  Lydia was sitting on my dresser. “Sorry I haven’t been around. I had something to take care of. I see your life’s going awesomesauce in the meantime.”

  “Lydia—”

  She raised her eyebrows. “Careful, Alexis, or I might think you’re glad to see me.”

  I jumped off the
bed and ran over to her, throwing my arms around her in a hug. I could actually feel her cold body in my arms, feel her hand awkwardly patting my head as I sputtered out apologies. The closer we got, the more solid she became to me. And maybe that went both ways.

  “Shh,” she said. “Calm down. I’m fine. I just needed a little R and R.”

  I took a step back, drinking in the sight of her—a familiar face.

  A friend.

  “She got Kasey,” I said.

  Lydia frowned. “I know.”

  “I have to save her,” I said. “But I don’t know how to get out of here.”

  “And that’s why today is your lucky day,” Lydia said. “Because I do.”

  Lydia—using memorization techniques from her years in the drama club—had learned the electronic access codes to all of the doors that led from the blue ward to the service exit on the side of the building. She could rattle off long strings of numbers to the tunes of songs from The Wizard of Oz.

  So all I had to do was get myself to the doors and through them when no one was looking. Which was actually easier on the blue ward than it would have been on the pink ward. There was so much more security here, the nurses were almost complacent.

  Plus, Lydia also knew the code to the supply closet, so I could change out of my blue pajamas into a pair of dark gray orderly scrubs. I snagged a pair during the confusion of a fistfight in the rec room and hid them under my mattress. There was the question of my white hair—but a lot of the orderlies wore scarves on their heads that matched the color of the ward they worked on. So I ripped a square from one of my blue pajama shirts and fashioned it into a little headkerchief.

  But getting out was just the first part of my problem. I needed a ride back to Surrey. And even if there had been a steady stream of taxis or buses passing the mental hospital, I seriously doubted that any of them would pick up a random girl hanging out on the side of the road.

  After lunch, I sat on the bed, twiddling my thumbs to expel my nervous energy. Lydia showed up, looking highly pleased with herself.

  “The girl in 8A has a phone,” she said. “It’s in her bottom drawer, behind the clothes.”

  So I waited until the call for afternoon therapy (which I didn’t have, since Agent Hasan’s long-term plans apparently included letting me die of boredom), and I sneaked into room 8A and dug through the girl’s drawer until I found the forbidden cell phone.

  The first person I called was Megan. But there was no answer. I didn’t leave a message—I didn’t want her to have to deny anything if the police came to ask her whether we’d talked.

  I sat staring down at the keypad, knowing there was one more number I could try.

  But what if he didn’t want anything to do with me?

  What if he was just disgusted that I’d gotten myself into trouble again?

  And then I remembered how he’d said If you need anything—

  If I’d ever needed anything, it was now.

  So I held my breath and dialed. And he picked up with an unsure, “Hello?”

  “Carter?” I whispered.

  There was a pause. I was afraid he was going to hang up on me. “Lex?”

  “Yeah, it’s me.”

  “Your sister—”

  “I know, I saw it on the news.”

  “Where are you? I’ve been so worried—”

  I took a deep breath. “I’m at Harmony Valley. And I need your help.”

  My skin prickled continuously through dinner. I couldn’t stop thinking, Is he on his way? Is he really coming? Maybe he’d called my parents the second we got off the phone. Maybe he’d just lied to keep me from freaking out.

  No. I couldn’t believe that about Carter. I had to believe that he would keep his promise.

  So after dinner I wandered back into my room and grabbed the orderly uniform, stuffing it into my waistband and then strolling back through the hallway, hoping nobody would notice my bulging midsection. At exactly 7:25 p.m., I slipped into the seldom-used bathroom on the far side of the rec room and changed, dumping my blue pajamas into the trash and tying the kerchief around my head. I waited until 7:30, when every single person on the ward sat down to shout at Jeopardy!, then I slipped out of the room and walked along the back wall toward the door.

  Lydia recited the code. I typed it in.

  And it worked. I was through.

  Getting to the second door was easy because the hall was empty. Lydia called out that code, and I put it in.

  Through.

  “One left,” she said. “Easy-peasy.”

  But this one wasn’t so easy-peasy. I would have to pass the security desk, where a wizened old guard kept his eyes on everyone who passed. I hung back and watched him talk to people, questioning them. He knew everyone by sight.

  “It’s not going to work,” I said through my teeth, as Lydia stood by and watched him.

  “It will. Just be ready to move on my cue.”

  She walked down the hall and through the counter that he sat behind. A second later, I heard a deafening CRASH!

  “Now, Alexis!” Lydia called. “Go!”

  Careful not to look like I was rushing, I strolled down the hall, past the desk. I glanced up from the corner of my eye to see that one of the shelves on the wall behind the man had totally collapsed, spilling office supplies, files, a coffeemaker, and other accumulated clutter all over the room. The guard’s back was toward me. He didn’t even look up as I passed.

  As I reached the exit, Lydia caught up with me and recited the final code. When the little light on the keypad flashed green, I turned the handle and pushed the door open, feeling the rush of cool winter air on my face.

  “Hey, wait!”

  I froze.

  “Stay cool,” Lydia whispered.

  “Hold the door!”

  I turned to see a guy in a pair of jeans and a blue polo shirt that read kaTz food serviCe hurrying toward me, carrying a box under each arm.

  I held the door, and he gave me a smile as he walked through. “Thanks.”

  “No problem,” I said.

  The door closed behind us.

  I was out.

  I sat on a bench and leaned back, trying to look like any other employee just getting off work. It was dark outside, so the security cameras wouldn’t show my face.

  “It worked,” Lydia said. “I can’t believe it actually worked.”

  “I can’t believe you’re back,” I said. “I seriously missed you, Lyd.”

  She turned away, but I could see the hint of a goofy, pleased smile on her face. “Stop it, Alexis. You’re such a drama queen.”

  I kept my eyes peeled for Carter’s Prius, not letting myself wonder if there was a chance he wouldn’t show.

  He did show. He pulled into the lot, drove right up to the bench, and paused long enough for me to jump into the car.

  We sat there, both a little stunned.

  I swallowed hard and looked at him. “Thank you.”

  This wasn’t “Hey, since you’re up, can you grab me a Coke?” This wasn’t “Spot me twenty dollars?” This wasn’t even “Can you feed my cat for three weeks while I’m backpacking through Switzerland?”

  This was busting someone out of a mental health facility.

  This was major.

  Carter shrugged. “Anytime.”

  We pulled out onto the road without any trouble. Lydia sat in the backseat, her face pressed up against the glass.

  “So,” Carter said. “Any chance you want to tell me anything?”

  “About what?” The words came out automatically. My standard fear response. Deny, deny, deny.

  “About anything,” he said. “Or not.”

  “Um,” I said.

  “It’s okay. You called me. That’s enough. All I wanted, Lex…” He cleared his throat. “All I ever wanted was for you to call me when you needed help.”

  Elliot’s words played in my head like an audio recording. People have to earn your trust.

  I stared a
t Carter’s profile as he watched the road.

  And I thought:

  You came when I called you.

  You came without knowing why you had to come.

  You said you’d always be there when I need you, and you meant it.

  “It’s a ghost,” I said. “It’s another ghost.”

  I told him everything, start to finish. I was getting used to saying the words now, and I found that things I’d stumbled on when I was talking to Megan and Kasey came out easily. No matter what Agent Hasan said, I couldn’t blame myself for this. I couldn’t present the situation as if it were my fault. I could have moments of weakness, I could even invite trouble for myself, but that wasn’t what I’d done this time.

  I didn’t do anything wrong.

  I was only trying to help.

  Carter listened, not as shocked as I would have expected him to be. But then I realized—he, like me, and Megan, and my sister, had been through this twice already. He believed in ghosts and he knew how dangerous they could be.

  “So, it’s chasing other girls away from you,” he said.

  “Away from me and Jared.”

  “And it’s punishing them if they try to come between you.”

  “Yeah.”

  “But why is it attacking you?”

  “I don’t know,” I said. “I mean, it’s not just attacking me. It’s kind of obsessed with me. It comes to my house and sleeps in my bedroom.”

  “Jared thinks she’s trying to get you guys to be soul mates?” He couldn’t hide the distaste in his voice.

  “Yeah.”

  “Then maybe…what if she’s not really attacking you?” he asked. “What if she’s trying to get you closer to him?”

  I sat back.

  The day at the nature preserve, when my car had spun out of control—

  It hadn’t spun randomly. It started by trying to turn left instead of right.

  Because Jared had turned left?

  And on New Year’s Eve, when Laina came after me in the field…it had driven me right into Jared’s arms.

  I tried to remember all the other times she’d shown up.

  There was the night we quarreled in the car after Ashleen’s party. And the night Jared found out I was taking yearbook pictures—with Carter. It was like she was showing up to bully me, or punish me.…