Killer Dads
Page 14
Figure 9.4. Up a tree: A happy Josh Powell mugs with his sons, Charlie (left) and Braden, and Susan. Courtesy of Charles and Judy Cox.
Still, Susan made the best of it. She was an optimist and had faith that she could fix her marriage. She decorated the Utah home to make a cozy nest for Josh and the boys. She arranged favorite “family day” outings, and quickly made friends with her neighbors, co-workers, and Josh’s sister Jennifer, who lived nearby in South Jordan. The high-school grad with a beauty-school degree even studied for and passed a broker’s license test to win a promotion as an investment counselor at a local Fidelity Investments, and later moved into a similar post at Wells Fargo. Though Susan might have been young when she fell in love and married Josh, may have been raised to be a good Mormon wife and to believe that marriage lasts forever, she wasn’t a pushover. She wasn’t happy about what had happened to her marriage, and she was determined to fix it. She was an articulate, insightful young woman who reflected intently on her life in years of journals she kept from the time she was eight years old. She was grappling with her current crisis with her husband in her journal, and making decisions that would forever change her life and her boys’ futures.
Those who knew Susan casually in West Valley City that summer were unaware of the pain she was hiding, or that her increasingly fraught relationship with Josh had taken a dark turn. She feared that Josh was spinning dangerously out of control. The conflicts and verbal fights became infused with the threat of violence, and actual physical abuse, Susan confided to her friends, and she hinted that she was afraid for her life and the life of her sons—so frightened that she worried that leaving him could be the death of her. In an e-mail to a friend, Susan wrote about the trip to Washington with Josh and the boys that had so disturbed her parents, and revealed her husband had behaved as he usually did, being “rude, yelling and barking commands at me.” When the family returned to their West Valley home, Susan revealed in another e-mail the year before she vanished that Josh’s behavior became so disturbing as they argued about the trip, that she considered calling the police:
We had a huge, hour-long fight (amazed that my voice still works). I even had to threaten calling the police because he was being so irrational and unpredictable. I told him he needs to change, counseling or something. And he said he didn’t need counseling because he knows what they’ll say, and what to do, and I said, “Do it then.”
My friend came over later because Josh was at her house getting help from her hubby for his business, and my friend knows shorthand so she wrote down the crazy stuff he said. I’ve also written a sort of will in my desk because at this point, I don’t know what to think anymore.
As Josh became more dysfunctional, and alienated, Susan grew increasingly afraid. The two had largely stopped having sex, and Josh seemed murderously angry whenever Susan challenged him about his behavior or his treatment of her. Counseling, she believed, was the only way to save the marriage. Over time, she made up her mind that if Josh did not finally agree to counseling, and perhaps some kind of treatment or medication for his behavior, she would leave him. Susan’s struggle within her marriage, in her own words in a series of e-mails to friends the summer of 2008, reveal the couple’s continuing conflict, her pain and her resolve.
Latest on Josh
From: Susan.Powell
Sent: Sat. 7/05/08
Josh doesn’t seem to take responsibility for anything. He got no sleep on 7/03/08 because Charlie wanted to watch fireworks (at the neighbor’s, past midnight). And last night, home after midnight, and Charlie saying he’s hungry, and I stupidly say, “Stay with him so I can get some sleep” since I actually have to get up at 5 a.m. (but apparently my lack of sleep for a real working day with time schedules is not as important as his, staying at home, on the computer with his schedule ... ugh!).
He says I can’t take counseling because it will show as employee health history, so I’d be rated poorly there and for life insurance. Oh yeah, PS, when he said I lied because I bought $90 instead of $30 worth of groceries, one of his examples was $.25/lb. for watermelon as too expensive. I looked at the receipt. It came to $3.35, and just yesterday he bought a watermelon for a flat price of $4 (I remember the one I purchased as larger than his).
He says I have “utter contempt” for him specifically because he doesn’t work a regular job and therefore isn’t a man. I told him I don’t mind while he stays home with the boys, and would prefer he not spend the money I earn on another business, but instead work on healing our marriage. His response was that “my actions imply utter contempt, and that he’s not a man no matter what my words are.”
Figure 10.1. A happy Susan poses for a photo with baby Braden on her lap as Charlie stands next to his mom. Courtesy of Charles and Judy Cox.
The only thing I’m holding on to (since I’m denied counseling and he has denied that he needs to fix anything) is one of his lists of things that need to be fixed—so he won’t be stressed and our marriage will magically fix itself, according to him—is organizing the paperwork in one central location for ease of access and security. So we got started a little with that, so I guess I’ve agreed to be strung along with his current excuse.
[Resumed later] Argh! He aggravated me, but at least we spent a family day (bike riding to Wal-Mart and getting donuts at a church flag thing in the a.m., and his family, for the evening), and he wants to hang out with our friends Sunday for dinner.
Also, notes taken with his knowledge on July 2, as follows:
Josh says Susan needs to:
Not spend $ on counseling;
Or anything else (his examples: make-up, yarn, other crap you buy);
Fix missing money (when I asked him to elaborate, he said: “Enter all receipts, quit hiding six or two different filing systems, and no paperwork except in the safe or in the office”);
Clean up house (basement, food storage, paperwork in office only), finances, computer;
Josh stated numerous times that Susan has “utter contempt, and acts and has attitude that Josh is worthless.”
(He also commented that I “was writing this down to use against him later,” and I reminded him I don’t know what I need to fix if I never have the specifics written down);
Make photos available.
Every moment I step back and take stock of what I’m dealing with, it feels like a never-ending cycle, but I’m too afraid of the consequences—losing my kids, him kidnapping them, divorce or actions worse on his part—if I take a stand on one of his ultimatums like spending $20 on the counseling co-pay, or cutting off his access to my pay check.
Anyways, thanks for listening!
Susan Powell
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Latest on Josh
From: Susan Powell
Sent: Mon. 7/07/08
Thanks for the input. Just found out that if I use the counseling services through my employer plan it cannot be reported or used against me as far as being rated for life or health insurance. It’s private, confidential. So his only argument left would be forking over the $20 co-pay. I think I might ask the bishop to have the church pay this. That would save them lots more than getting church counseling that doesn’t specialize in these areas.
You made me tee up when you said, “If you can’t have faith, have hope at least.” I want to have hope.
I don’t know how you can help except to talk with me and be another individual who would know about the situation if questioned because things went crazy later. Sad that I’m this paranoid.
Sunday was OK, only because I think he’s finally realizing that I don’t expect him to come to church anymore (less pressure on him). We were with our friends while they did family scripture reading. He looked bored, uninterested, and like he was finding reasons to leave the room.
We’ve done a little bit of cleaning/organizing around the house, and I realize this is just another one of his stalling-with-excuses tactics, but I always wonder if he’s serious about change (i.e., fixing our mar
riage), if he thinks our problems are not that bad, if he was lying to me at the start when we got married or what.
My huge problem is I don’t know what to believe or what to do. I don’t want to divorce or separate or take the kids somewhere, and he views it as an act of war if I cut off my paycheck to the joint credit union.
My current tactic is to pretty much not make waves and try to ignore the problems. I’m finding mystery books to check out at the library and be a good mom for the boys. I came home from work on Saturday and felt so depressed that I couldn’t make a decent dinner for my boys (the only protein we have is hot dogs, or me making eggs or planning ahead and soaking beans and doing the beans-and-rice thing), so I just kept trying to disguise their food with sour cream and ketchup, etc., and finally lay down in my bed and went to sleep. I only had four hours sleep the night before, so I’m sure Josh just thought I was tired. And then I forgot and ended up fasting from then until about 6 p.m. the next day, so I took another nap (out of depression), but I’m sure he has no clue/doesn’t care.
Susan
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No Subject
From: Susan Powell
Sent: Fri. 7/11/08
Sorry I couldn’t go walking with you. I was pouring my heart out to a friend a couple doors down from you until 8:15, and then picking up the blinds at Home Depot while Josh took the kids on the bike ride I wanted to do with them. Then I was talking with someone who he ran into while with the boys (his version of groceries bought is cheap donuts and 10 individual yogurt servings). My appointment to meet the bishop was postponed until Sunday after church.
I plan to ask for help getting counseling for myself for depression and stress in the last three-plus years of our marriage. My expectations are that once Josh sees me getting counseling (confidential, so he can’t whine about that), and if the church helps cover the co-pay, then he will have no other excuses, and my bottom line/breaking point is he will go to counseling for himself and/or get meds to deal with his mental issues, and if he refuses, I will not ruin mine and my boys’ lives further, and we will divorce, and I hope it’s not as ugly as he claims it will be when we’ve talked about it in the past.
I feel like I’m constantly evolving every time I talk to someone about this. K said as of Sunday I didn’t want a divorce and bam, by Thursday I’m declaring my ultimatum of his needing counseling, or else divorce. Funny how I’m pushed and evolving.
I’ve prayed that I will know what to do and situations will present themselves kind of like a silver platter, and so far, it seems every person I speak to is sharing their own personal experiences or offering advice/guidance on who/how to get counseling, etc. So I guess that part of my prayers seems to be answered.
I don’t want to do just marriage/couples counseling, and I don’t want to use someone through the church because we’ve done that before, and I don’t think Josh will respect that. I want the psychologist/psychiatrist/masters-level clinician to help me and Josh individually. If he’s not willing to do that (obviously, won’t improve on his own), then he is officially throwing in the towel. I don’t know why he’d think the marriage is worth staying in. I doubt only myself going to counseling would fix all the problems.
Yesterday I helped him organize/clean his office and the loose papers (one of his excuses/stalling tactics to get help), and as I was soundlessly crying myself to sleep last night, I told him kind of desperately, “Now is the time you can say nice things to me,” so he said in a tired/bored voice: “Thanks for helping me clean my office and stuff,” and that was all. Then he kind of bumped me, and I said as a hopeful suggestion, “Are you trying to hold my hand?” and he muttered something. Then a little bit later I held his hand for a while until he pulled away.
I’m sure he thinks we are making improvements, and he has said I’m the only one who needs counseling. My three-year-old told me for the first time yesterday, “Mommy, I can’t; I’m too busy” when I asked him to do something. That’s verbatim what his father tells me, and he was stomping around the house acting angry (which we both do), and gives scowls to me and others at church. When I mentioned this to Josh, about seeing both of our bad habits, he didn’t care, and I told him it is not acceptable for my three-year-old to tell me he’s too busy. If this argument is still legit in Josh’s eyes, he needs to be more specific and say, “I’ve got to do x-y-z,” instead of saying: “I’m busy working.”
I want him in counseling, on meds. I want my husband, friend, lover back. No more crazy, outrageous, outlandish beliefs/opinions.
Susan
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Update from yesterday
From: Susan Powell
Sent: Mon. 7/14/08
The Bishop talked with me for an hour, opened with a prayer, and I was already in tears. Managed to ramble out my story. He agreed with me on all points (Josh has mental issues and/or has lost touch with reality, I’m a stressed, overworked, neglected/abused single mother down to her last straw). He repeatedly asked, “What can I do to help?”
I left knowing the church will reimburse the cost of counseling; trying to decide which psychologist or masters-level clinician to choose for myself. Hoping when I get started, Josh will want to get his own counseling. Still have to make appointment with a lawyer for free consultation so I’ll know my rights when I give Josh my ultimatum—counseling (at least) or else divorce.
Any advice on a masters-level clinician? I’ve got a list for each, but location is important—so that I can possibly just bike there, leave kids with friends (Josh can think I’m at the park for the first visit or so).
Josh asked what the bishop appointment was for, and I said: “To see about getting help, food, money for bills and stuff,” and he seemed OK with that answer. I did also get approval for one food order [to be paid by the church], so I am being truthful about that.
As always, any advice, opinions, suggestions, experience, insight are welcome and I will not be offended! The more the merrier! Thank you all for your support, help, and me bending your ear.
Susan
Late in the summer of 2008, Josh unexpectedly snagged a computer job working for a West Valley company. The change in his mood was dramatic, according to Susan’s e-mails and conversations with friends. He was suddenly chatty, was engaged in his work, and seemed to be enjoying the camaraderie of the office and even workplace gossip. For the first time in months, Josh even initiated sex with Susan. She was touched and pleased, and encouraged by Josh’s change, yet she had already begun her own counseling and was talking to a lawyer about divorce. She continued preparations for a divorce—including gathering documentation and filming their possessions ahead of a possible battle over any assets—“just in case” her situation with Josh quickly reverted again. “My gut says he can/wants to change, that I just need to help him create the right environment to change,” she wrote hopefully.
Josh update
From: Susan Powell
Sent: Fri. 7/18/08
So while he was doing the job interview on Wednesday, I was setting up a phone consultation with divorce lawyers. I did manage to get hold of one, and feel a lot better about my rights and the process. Spoke to someone who has in-depth experiences with mental illness/bi-polar with family members. It seems that, over all, if someone is bi-polar, you don’t want them to feel boxed into a corner or threatened or stressed (or else they’ll “swing manic,” etc.). I’ve seen already how much more relaxed/less stressed he is since his job interview—and in a couple of hours they called back and hired him, starting this Monday!
I’m not disillusioned. I realize marriage is always work, and if Josh is willing to get counseling, “getting back to before” still won’t be a honeymoon, but I think if he gets help then we can be happily married with regular trials like normal people. The church individuals especially seem to be encouraging divorce if necessary, so I feel an abundance of support for either decision I make. It seems like I keep running into more individuals who have either experienced divo
rce or bi-polar problems, and have helpful advice/direction to give.
I recognize now that me praying or reading scripture and hoping is not going to cut it anymore. I need help, and so does he. I’m thinking he will be a lot more receptive to my suggestions of counseling for himself once he sees my own improvements. He even initiated some intimate time Wednesday night—right, shocker, I know. Funny, it’s been so long it feels like a dream or surreal, and yes I still love him/care about him and think we can have a happy, loving, functional marriage and be a good example for our kids. I’m still documenting all of our belongings and saving info at work or at a friend’s house in case this is short-lived, but my gut says he can/wants to change, that I just need to help him create the right environment to change.
Susan
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Hello Girlie!
From: Susan Powell
Sent: Sat. 7/26/08
My Wednesday I spent in the yard weeding, raking rocks out the garden, etc. Now exhausted, tired, with some big/raw blisters. Thursday was watching the Pioneer Day parade on TV. Feeling sorry for myself that I wasn’t there. Josh had to work but since my friend wasn’t around, I couldn’t do the videotape of possessions so they can take it off the hard drive digital video camera—just in case—either. I lazed around, doing laundry, cleaning, cooking, trying to nap, and at 5:30 Josh’s sis called to let us know we would do the family picture thing a little later—at 7. Whoops, had completely forgotten about that. Washed my hair, did make up, picked clothes for the boys. Cooked dinner that Braden refused to eat and after Charlie woke up from his self-inflicted nap—did eat.
Josh’s sis said it was a red/white/blue theme, and I had just painted my nails orange, about six coats, so I had to paint over them in the car and they got all thick and smudged—but we went to the international peace gardens, and I think I got some really good pictures. Then to Arby’s and we all had ice cream cones. And on the way home we watched some fireworks with some neighbors, and didn’t get inside until about 11 p.m. So tired we allowed Charlie to go to bed with us.