Another Day in Winter

by Shari Low

  ‘I don’t know where to start,’ Shauna said, before giving it a go. She pulled out the photos she’d brought with her and handed them over. There was one of Annie on her wedding day, then two more with Shauna, one when she was a teenager and another when she walked up the aisle with Colm.

  Flora studied them for a long time, before asking gently, ‘Was she happy? Did she have a good life?’

  ‘She did. She was married to my grandad, Ernie, for over thirty years and they adored each other. They lived in Wimbledon, near the common, and that’s where they brought my father up. His name was Jeff and he was married to my mum, Debbie. He died a few years ago too, unfortunately, although we weren’t particularly close. I was far closer to my grandmother. I was always at her house when we were growing up, lived there at weekends and school holidays, and she was the person I loved more than anyone…’

  ‘Even me, but I don’t bear a grudge,’ Lulu interjected, making Flora laugh.

  ‘She was bold, and fierce, and wise, and I adored every single thing about her.’

  ‘She always was,’ Flora said quietly. ‘Although, maybe not so much the wise part. She always had a tendency to think and act first and ask questions later.’

  ‘Ah, yes, well she did that too. She once tried to punch a bloke that was harassing me outside a nightclub. Came flying out of the car like some kind of granny warrior.’

  The memory sent the tears back up to Shauna’s lower lids.

  ‘So tell me, how did you come to be here?’ Flora asked.

  Shauna took a sip from her mug. ‘I recently found some old letters and there was an address on one of them. We went to that house this morning, and one of the neighbours, Mrs McNair’s granddaughter, sent us to speak to her gran, and then she gave us your address. She told us to give you her love.’

  ‘Lovely Isa. I do miss her. She was a great neighbour for many years in that house. So you say you found letters…’

  There was a flinch of something that looked like worry across Flora’s brow, but Shauna went on. ‘Yes. Until then, I had no idea that she had family up here. I really don’t want to upset you or make you sad, but she never mentioned any siblings. She always said she had no relatives left when she came down to England, and then she married my grandfather and created her own family. I was stunned when I found out the truth. When was the last time that you saw her?’

  Flora sat back, crossed her hands on her skirt, and Shauna could see that some element of this was paining her.

  ‘1959,’ Flora said. ‘About a year after she left Glasgow. I travelled to London to see her.’

  ‘Why did she leave?’ Shauna asked. She had a glimmer of an idea from the letters, but they were too vague to piece together the whole story.

  Flora started to speak a couple of times, but couldn’t quite get the words out. ‘Oh dear. I haven’t talked about this for many years and I’m afraid it’s not something I’m proud of.’

  ‘Then please, you don’t need to tell us. It’s fine. I’m just happy to have found you,’ Shauna said truthfully. If all she got out of this trip was a lovely new aunt that she could keep in touch with and visit with Beth, then she’d be happy with that. She didn’t want to reopen old wounds.

  ‘No, I made my peace with it a long time ago. The foolishness of youth. And I think we all paid in the end, me included. Although, in my case, it was deserved.’

  Shauna wanted to stop her, to tell her it wasn’t necessary to dredge up the past. She couldn’t imagine this very measured woman doing anything that warranted recriminations or retribution, but as she was about to say that, Flora stepped back in time.

  ‘I always wanted to be Annie,’ she began. ‘She was just under two years older than me, but she was wild as could be. Nothing stopped her when she set her mind to something. Our parents… well, they were old school. Our father considered himself the head of a dictatorship, and my mother, like so many wives of that generation, acquiesced to his every word and want. Some would say she was a weak woman, but I always thought it took a certain strength not to let a man like that break you.’

  Shauna felt a moment of sympathy for a woman she never knew.

  Flora went on, ‘Annie never bowed down to him and she paid the price. She was defiant and bold and more than once she had to flee the house and his rage.’ There was an overtone of pride in her voice as she said that, and Shauna could image Annie standing up to her bullying father

  ‘My father was overbearingly protective with us, me especially. So when Annie started sneaking out of the house at night, I was desperate to join her. She tried to talk me out of it, but I wouldn’t listen, so she took me with her. I dare say she always regretted it.’

  Shauna could feel the anxiety rising in her chest. It was crazy – all this happened decades ago, but hearing Flora tell the story was giving it a reality that was wrapping around her heart, especially as she knew there had been no happy ending.

  ‘She had a boyfriend,’ Flora’s voice hardened as she said that. ‘Declan. Looking back, I can see him for the lying, cheating, despicable man that he was, but back then I fell completely under his spell. I was infatuated, completely seduced by his flattery and declarations of love. I’m ashamed to say I began seeing him, too.’

  Shauna tried to hide her surprise that the classy woman in front of her could have it off with her sister’s boyfriend. Lulu didn’t even make an effort to disguise her reaction – chin dropped, eyes wide.

  ‘I was incredibly naïve and young for my years, but that was no excuse. It was the most shameful thing I’ve ever done. Annie found out and… well, she left the following day. Tenth of June, 1958. I’ll never forget the day. It was a torrid episode, and I’ve regretted it all of my days.’

  There was a silence as the two younger women sat in stunned silence, unsure what to say to console Flora, while feeling deep sadness for the young Annie.

  Shauna was so immersed in Flora’s words that she almost missed a pertinent point. Almost.

  ‘So Annie left in 1958? But didn’t you say you last saw her in 1959?’

  ‘I did,’ Flora nodded. ‘And that was another torrid episode altogether.’

  Nineteen

  Chrissie

  ‘Hang on,’ Val said, her brow frowning in puzzlement. ‘So you and this boy…’

  ‘Tom,’ Chrissie clarified. She’d filled them in on the saga of her relationship with Tom, and now she’d got to the crunch bit.

  Val took that on board. ‘Yep, Tom… you were going out together and your mother and his father were a thing, too?’

  ‘I know – we were a talk show waiting to happen,’ Chrissie mused. ‘Thing is, my dad had buggered off when I was six, and my mum had had a trail of deadbeat relationships afterwards, so Norry was a major catch for her – if you like wealthy, megalomaniac control freaks.’

  ‘Can I ask the obvious question?’ Josie pondered.

  ‘Shoot.’

  ‘You say he was wealthy, but he lived next door?’

  Chrissie nodded. ‘Yeah, they hadn’t always been loaded. A couple of years earlier, Tom’s dad sold a patent for some kind of engineering part that was used for drilling. Made a killing. None of that surfaced until afterwards though. I think he was waiting to divorce Tom’s mum before he let the deal go through and got the dosh. Instead, he promised her a monthly payment and basically pushed her out. She went back to live in Leeds because that’s where her family were from. Norry and my mother married as soon as the divorce was finalised. She moved in next door with him and I stayed on my own.’

  ‘Bastard,’ Josie spat.

  ‘Swear box!’ exclaimed Kylie. She was on the contouring now so Chrissie was having to speak with minimal cheek movement.

  ‘Anyway, my mother wasn’t happy about Tom and me. To be honest, we were never close. She’s not like you two… I think she was lost in a well of bitterness about how her life had turned out. Although, at the time, I just thought she didn’t like me very much.’

  Val tutted an
d pursed her lips.

  ‘Anyway, with Norry she got everything she’d ever wanted and she was delighted, but she was worried that any problems between Tom and I could rub off on her relationship. Think she felt it was just an extra complication.’ Chrissie could see that Val just could not fathom that kind of thinking from a mother.

  ‘What a shocker she is,’ Val snorted. ‘I mean, surely you’d just want your kids to be happy? So did she stop you from seeing each other?’

  ‘Yes, but not for the reasons you think. Norry decided to take early retirement now that he’d made a fortune and announced he’d always wanted to live on the Gold Coast. They decided they were going, and Norry insisted that Tom go too. You have to understand, Norry was a tough guy to say no to. He basically threatened Tom that he would cut him off and promised him this great life abroad. But he also said that if Tom didn’t go, Norry would stop all payments to his mother. She was finding it tough to get back on her feet at that point, so he felt responsible and agreed to go.’

  ‘Poor boy,’ Val said. ‘But what about you?’

  ‘I refused. And I was furious with him for going. I thought he should have stood up to him, fought harder, forced him to do the decent thing.’

  ‘Good girl,’ Josie contributed.

  ‘I’d just been offered a place at university – studying business at Strathclyde – and I wanted to stay here. My mother made no secret of the fact that she didn’t want me there, wanted a fresh start with her new man, so off they went.’

  ‘They left you?’ Val gasped.

  ‘Bastards!’ Josie proclaimed.

  ‘Swear box!’ added Kylie.

  Chrissie shrugged. ‘They didn’t have a choice. I wouldn’t go. It killed me to watch him leave, even though, in hindsight, the truth is that he didn’t really have an option.’

  Val still wasn’t impressed. ‘I can’t get over your mother, though. Richard bloody Gere could try sweeping me off to a life of luxury and I wouldn’t leave my kids.’

  ‘My mum paid the rent on our house for three more months, told me I’d need to get a job, and off she went. To be honest, that bit didn’t sting – it was the fact that Tom left that hurt me. And then what hurt even more was that it all turned into a complete nightmare.’

  ‘You were pregnant.’ Josie this time.

  ‘Yes,’ Chrissie said, welling up again but fighting back the tears. The smoky eyes got a stay of execution. ‘Found out a month after they’d gone.’

  ‘So what did you do?’ Kylie – who’d been engrossed in the story from the start – chimed in.

  ‘I knocked back the university offer, found a job, worked crazy long hours for two months and saved up a rental deposit for a flat. Then I carried on working as many hours as I could until Ben was born, then I had to give up for a while and live on benefits. It was rough making ends meet, and don’t even get me started on the stigma I felt being a teenage single mum. But I managed to do my Open University degree and as soon as Ben was entitled to free childcare, I went back to work, temping in part-time jobs for years and just juggling things and scraping by. I was on the waiting list for a council house the whole time but didn’t get one until Ben was ten – when I became your next door neighbour,’ she finished, smiling at Val. ‘Best thing ever. I feel like in some ways it was all meant to happen the way it did.’

  ‘Do you really believe that?’ Val asked, touched.

  Chrissie shrugged, smiling ruefully. ‘Sometimes.’

  ‘Hang on, hang on,’ Josie interrupted again. ‘Go back a bit. What about your mother? About Tom? Did you tell them about the baby?’

  ‘Of course. I called my mother and asked her to tell Tom. I also wrote to her, telling her I’d moved to a different flat. And I tried to speak to him, but his mobile phone didn’t work over there and when I called the house he was never there. She didn’t renew my mobile phone contract because she’d been paying for it and I didn’t have the money to keep calling Australia on the landline. In those days, it cost a fortune., so I wrote to him, too. I had an old email account but it was on my mum’s computer and she cancelled it, so I just sent letters. Anyway, I never heard from any of them again.’ Even saying that caused a physical pain. She’d expected nothing of her mother, but she’d thought Tom was better than that. She’d hit an all time low, but it had made her even more determined to make a life for herself and her son – a thought that was reinforced by the fact that she’d heard nothing from her mother since a few weeks after they left and Tom had abandoned her all together.

  ‘Bastards,’ Kylie sighed.

  ‘Swear box,’ Josie took great delight in saying.

  Kylie changed position slightly. ‘Okay, I’m going to do your lips now, so try not to move them.’

  ‘Wait a minute though. How do you know that your mother told Tom you were trying to get hold of him? She sounds like a right devious cow… sorry for saying that,’ Val apologised.

  ‘No worries,’ Chrissie said, bearing a very close resemblance to a ventriloquist’s dummy because she was trying desperately not to move her lips. ‘I did think of that, but it’s not the case. He knew,’ she said sadly.

  ‘How can you be so sure?’

  ‘Because the one person Tom loved more than anyone else on earth was his grandfather, George. So when I didn’t hear from Tom, I went to George’s house with a letter for Tom. George promised to pass it on. So even if Tom wasn’t getting the letters I sent to him directly, and even if my mother wasn’t telling him that I’d called, then he would definitely have got the letter from his grandad with mine inside.’

  ‘Och, love. My heart breaks for you, it really does.’ Val’s voice wobbled a little.

  Kylie sat back, finished work on the lips and picked up a piece of blotting paper, ready to dry them.

  Chrissie took the opportunity to speak with free facial movements. ‘Thanks Val, but honestly, it’s fine. Ben and I have done great on our own. I’ve just always told myself that it’s their loss, because they’ve missed out on this amazing kid. And when you think about it, Tom, his dad, was only a few years older than Ben is now when he left. What kind of age is that to be making huge decisions? The poor guy was probably absolutely terrified of coming back here and being stuck with a partner and a baby and no way to support us. He was a smart guy. He had a bright future ahead of him. Much as it hurt, I can absolutely see why he wouldn’t want to be tied down at such a young age.’

  ‘True,’ Josie nodded, ‘but that’s no excuse to not make sure that you were cared for. He could have spoken to his dad, asked him to help…’

  ‘Believe me, Norry Butler wouldn’t help his granny if she needed a loaf, never mind helping a teenage girl his son had knocked up – even if she was his wife’s daughter. I don’t even know if they’re still together. She might have met an even richer surf dude and buggered off with him,’ Chrissie tried to inject a light-heartedness that she didn’t feel. But then, it was true. She knew absolutely nothing about her mother or Tom. Until a couple of hours ago, she’d believed he was still in Australia. He probably still was, and just had a lookalike wandering around Glasgow. That thought made her tremble. She briefly wondered if perhaps she should have gone after that guy in the shopping centre, but she knew it would have been foolish. Even if it was him, he’d clearly made a new life for himself and a second rejection wasn’t something she wanted to expose herself to. It was the past. Bygones.

  ‘Okay, let me look at you,’ Kylie said, admiring her work. ‘You. Are. Beautiful.’

  ‘You. Are. Biased,’ Chrissie responded, making Kylie gasp in mock outrage.

  ‘I am not! I swear you look amazing. Go look for yourself,’ she said, gesturing to the huge mirror on the wall behind where Chrissie was sitting.

  ‘Ouch,’ she yelped, as she shuffled forward on the bed. ‘My bits may never be the same again.’

  Her mind was distracted from the stinging pain as soon as she saw herself in the mirror. Her smoky eyes had survived the turmoil, he skin was radiant, a
nd now that her hair had been released from the hairband that was holding it back while Kylie worked, it was falling in waves around her shoulders. ‘Kylie, you can work miracles,’ she told the young beaming girl. Gone was the knackered mum and here was someone who looked alive, who definitely didn’t look like she hadn’t been on a date for twelve years.

  The thought sent the butterflies soaring skywards in her stomach. Her first date, well, ever really. When she’d got together with Tom, it had been a natural progression from neighbours to friends to lovers. But it was time to move forwards now, much as it terrified her. Val was right – talking about it was another step in letting it go.

  She’d been devastated by the way everyone had acted. In a fit of temper, when she’d moved into her own little flat, she’d destroyed their addresses and phone numbers in Australia, decided to cut off all contact with them. There was no point doing otherwise. When she’d told her mother she was pregnant, Rosemary had told her she could handle it on her own. She’d offered to send a bit of money, but Chrissie had told her to go to hell. She didn’t want money, she wanted support… she wanted Tom. He hadn’t come.

  Tom Butler had deserted her when she needed him, when she was young, vulnerable and pregnant with his child. And despite the reasons behind what he’d done, that said everything about how he’d felt about her.

  She’d given birth on her own, she’d raised Ben on her own, and they were happy. And if she had to go through every bit of that pain again, then she would, because it had given her Ben.

  ‘Come on then, I just want to give your hair a curl and then we’ll be done.’ Kylie added.

  While the young girl attacked her mane with curling tongs, Chrissie looked at her reflection in the mirror again. The woman looking back at her had been through the wars. She’d been down as far as she could be, and she’d fought her way back, built a life that she loved. It was time to move on to the next chapter of her life. Chrissie and Ben had survived the last twelve years and they’d made it – she finally had a life that she loved and was ready for where it was going to take her. So sod Tom Butler. He was in the past. Perhaps Davie Bailey would be her future.