Another Day in Winter

by Shari Low

  Sure, he’d left, but he’d come back. This wasn’t a desertion, it was a cruel hand of fate, one in which everyone paid a price.

  Tom had lost out on his son, and Ben had lost out on his father.

  Chrissie only had to watch the way Tom had handled his aunt’s arrival to see that he was still the kind, caring guy she’d loved so, so much. She should have had more faith in him. In them. And now, she was crushed by regret that she didn’t try harder to reach him, didn’t have belief that he’d return, didn’t leave a trail for him to find her. It had been so easy to stay off the radar. No social networking back in 2006, no Twitter, she’d got a new mobile phone when Rosemary cancelled her old one, and when she finally managed to buy a computer she set up a new email address. Just a single mum and her boy, starting over, living their lives.

  He’d said finding her was the best thing that had ever happened to him, but she was about to wipe that right out by delivering the biggest blow of his life. And she had to do it now because she couldn’t do it when he was driving, or risk him setting eyes on Ben and realising the truth.

  ‘What about him?’ Tom prompted.

  Say it. Say it. Say…

  ‘He’s twelve years old, Tom,’ she said softly. ‘He’s not my son. He’s our son.’

  Nothing. A void. A vacuum. For about three seconds. His eyes were locked on hers, his mouth slightly open, his whole face one of disbelief.

  And then, ‘I have a son? You had our son?’ She heard the words but his shock was so all-consuming that she couldn’t tell how he felt about this.

  She nodded, tears prickling her lower lids but she fought them back. This wasn’t a time for her to crumble. She had to be strong, for her, for Ben, for all of them.

  ‘Oh my God, Chrissie,’ he gasped, ‘I left you and you were pregnant? I’m so sorry. Oh fuck, I’m so sorry. You must hate me.’

  ‘You didn’t know,’ she said, trying to be calm. ‘But yes, you weren’t my favourite person for a long time, but only because I thought you knew and you were refusing to return my calls and letters.’

  ‘I didn’t… I would never… I have a son,’ he spluttered. ‘A son. I’m a dad.’

  Chrissie watched as slowly the shock wore off and the contours of his face changed and then he was smiling and…

  ‘Holy fuck, I’m a dad,’ he said, laughing now, obviously ecstatic. Once again, in all the times that she’d thought about this moment, never once had it played out like this. In her version, he’d been shocked, angry, upset, in denial…

  At no point had his eyes filled with tears of joy or had he leaned over and hugged her so tightly she thought her ribs would crack, like he was doing now.

  ‘I don’t even know how to say how happy I am. I swear there are no words. Does he know?’ he asked finally.

  ‘He knows your name and I was honest with him. I told him you moved away and we lost contact before I knew I was pregnant. He’s a pretty grounded kid. He’s also smart, and really funny. And kind.’ Like you, she thought, but didn’t say.

  ‘Do you have a picture of him?’

  Chrissie pulled her phone back out of Jen’s bag and pressed the home button. An image of Ben immediately filled the screen and she heard Tom gasp again.

  ‘He looks so like me when I was that age.’

  ‘He does,’ Chrissie said, smiling, although she could not have pinned down exactly what emotion she was feeling from one second to the next.

  Tom was still staring at the photo.

  He exhaled deeply. ‘We have so much more to talk about than I could ever have imagined, but I don’t want Ben wondering what’s taking you so long…’

  ‘I was about to say the same thing.’ Chrissie clipped her seat belt on and gave Tom the address of Ben’s friend so he could punch it into the satnav. Her home in Weirbridge was about twenty minutes away and Ben’s pal lived on the way there. That gave them about fifteen minutes to work out how to deal with this. She had to be fair here. She had to give him the benefit of the doubt. ‘Thank you for not freaking out.’

  She almost jumped when she felt his hand reach over and take hers. She didn’t move it away. ‘Chrissie, no matter what’s happened, and what happens from here on in, I have a son. It doesn’t get any better than this.’

  ‘You mean that?’ She didn’t even have to ask, now that she could see the delight in every contour of his face.

  ‘I do. Tell me about him. From the start…’

  The next fifteen minutes flew by in seconds, as she gave him bullet points about Ben as a baby, his nursery years, starting school, moving to the house they lived in now, the milestones of his life, and Tom took it all in, asking questions, desperate to know more.

  ‘Who was with you when he was born?’ he asked, and Chrissie could hear the pain in his voice.

  ‘No one,’ she answered honestly. ‘I was on my own.’

  ‘I’m…’ He paused. ‘It’s so fucking inadequate just to say sorry, but please believe me.’

  ‘I do,’ she said truthfully.

  They were about a minute away, when he asked, ‘Are you going to tell him tonight? If you want to talk to him alone, to prepare him, I totally understand.’

  She nodded. ‘I think that would be best. Tonight, let’s just act like this is no big deal, I’ll just say you’re a friend who gave me a lift home. I’ll talk to him tomorrow, and maybe then you could come by tomorrow night and meet him properly?’

  ‘Of course. I’ll do whatever you want me to. It’s enough that I’m meeting him tonight. Oh God, Chrissie, I have a son.’

  She chuckled. ‘You may have mentioned that already.’

  ‘A son, though.’

  She could see that he couldn’t stop grinning and knew she was responding in the same way. Her happiness was all for Ben. They’d been great on their own and would have continued to live happy lives in the world that she’d built for them, but here was his father, a man who wanted him desperately and who would love him fiercely. That was a pretty good starting place for a relationship between them.

  ‘Okay,’ she said as they pulled up outside the house and beeped the horn. ‘Be cool.’

  ‘I don’t have an ounce of coolness in me,’ he said, like a runner loosening up for the race of his life. ‘But I’ll fake it, don’t worry.’

  The door opened and Ben came strolling out, past an inflatable snowman and two flashing reindeer in the garden, followed by Karen, his pal Josh’s mum. Chrissie rolled down the window.

  ‘I’m so sorry if I spoiled your date,’ Karen said. ‘But it’s like a scene from The Exorcist in there. I’m not sure if it’s food poisoning or a bug, so I didn’t want Ben catching it.’

  ‘Ouch, poor Josh. Give him a hug from us when it’s safe to go near him again,’ Chrissie said, using every ounce of acting chops she never knew she had to behave normally. Ben was about to get into the back of the car his father was driving. There was an irony in the fact that she’d told Tom to stay calm. Her hands were trembling and her heart was beating so fast she was sure she sounded like the thud of the music coming from the cars of the young racers that roared up and down their estate.

  ‘Will do. See you later, Ben,’ Karen said. ‘Sorry about tonight.’

  ‘No worries,’ Ben said. ‘Thanks very much for having me over.’ Ben climbed into the car, barely giving a typically teenage “Hey,” to Tom as he did so. Chrissie could see Tom desperately trying to keep his cool and his eyes on the road.

  They waved as they pulled away and Chrissie told Tom her own address so he could use the satnav and save her having to give directions. She then switched her best acting skills back on as she turned round to face Ben.

  ‘How’re you doing, my love?’

  Her son grinned. ‘Traumatised that so much fluid can come out of one body. I thought he was never going to stop puking.’

  ‘Gross,’ she said.

  ‘Totally,’ Ben concurred. ‘Think we can rule out me ever deciding to become a doctor.’

 
He was joking again, so Chrissie knew he was absolutely unscathed by the experience.

  Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Tom giving her questioning looks, and she realised she needed to introduce them. If Tom was anyone else, she’d have done it as soon as Ben had got in the car, but her nerves were outweighing her manners here.

  ‘Ben, this is Tom. Tom, meet Ben.’ She couldn’t believe she was actually saying those words.

  ‘Good to meet you,’ Tom said, and she could hear he was suddenly hoarse with emotion.

  Not that Ben would know that, thankfully. He’d just assume his mum’s friend had a slightly unusual voice.

  ‘You too,’ Ben replied casually. ‘So am I like your least favourite guy on the planet right now because I blew your date with my mum?’

  ‘I reckon you’re my favourite guy on the planet right now because you’ve made it last longer,’ Tom joked, and Chrissie wanted to punch the air.

  ‘Smooth,’ Ben said, laughing. ‘Mum, he’s got good lines,’ he added, giving her a thumbs up. ‘All we need is for him to have season tickets for the Glasgow Rocks games and he’s a keeper.’

  Going along to watch Glasgow’s professional basketball team, the Rocks, was one of their favourite things to do together, often with Val and her husband Don in tow.

  ‘Funny you should say that…’ Tom said.

  ‘Seriously? You have season tickets for the Rocks?’ Ben’s voice gushed with enthusiasm.

  ‘No, but I was thinking about getting one. I became a bit addicted to watching basketball during the Commonwealth Games. Scotland were brilliant.’

  ‘I know!’ Ben agreed. ‘Mum let me stay up so late to watch the games, but she told me if I grassed her to my teachers, I was grounded. She’s pretty irresponsible like that.’

  ‘Ben Harrison, you’re are so grounded now,’ Chrissie giggled, before a bittersweet aftertaste soured the moment. Ben had missed out on Tom for all these years. She just hoped it wasn’t too late to make up for it.

  The car began to slow down and she realised they were at the parking area at the end of her terrace.

  ‘Okay, come on, love. Val is going to come over and watch a movie with you, and I’m going to head back out with Tom for a little while.’

  Ben turned to Tom. ‘Do you want to come in and meet my Auntie Val? She’ll want to meet you.’

  Chrissie tried to mask her panic with nonchalance. ‘Ben, it’s fine. Tom, just wait there, I’ll be two minutes.’

  ‘Aw, come on. It’s just over there and if you’re with us, then Auntie Val won’t grill Mum for details. If she does that, Mum will be stuck for hours and you’ll never get her back out.’

  Chrissie was cringing now. Actually experiencing curling of the toes. Tom glanced at her, eyebrows raised, questioning.

  Bollocks. If she protested any further, Ben would think it was weird. If she didn’t, she would have to explain the change of her date’s name to Val and she was sure to twig as to who he was. No contest. She was just going to have to disappoint Ben, because she wasn’t ready to give a chapter and verse explanation to…

  A spanner, wearing pink furry mules, just dropped into the works.

  Chrissie saw that Val had come out of her front door and was about to head their way. She was going to have to introduce Tom out here, in front of Ben, and there was no way she could warn Val not to react if she realised who he was. And, let’s face it, Val wasn’t one for curtailing her emotions. There was every chance her friend would blurt something that would give the game away. She was going to have to take him in and hope she got a minute to prepare Val for who this man was.

  ‘Okay then. Go run ahead and tell Auntie Val we’re coming in for a minute, save her walking all the way up here.’

  He was out of the car and away like a shot.

  ‘Okay, I’m going to have to try to tell Val who you are and warn her not to say anything because she’s sure to suss it. She’s got serious detective skills.’ She realised he wasn’t responding to her. Instead, he was watching as Ben jogged ahead to Val, and then hugged her when he reached her. ‘You okay?’ She realised it was a stupid question. Neither of them were ok. Shocked. Stunned. Bewildered. In a complete state of flux. That was closer than ‘ok’.

  ‘Chrissie, he’s incredible. Even if he wasn’t mine, I’d love him.’ The emotion in his words almost floored her.

  ‘Please stop, because I’ll be in floods of tears if you carry on, and then Val will kill you before she asks any questions. Let’s go.’

  She paused for a second, gathered herself, then got out the car. Tom followed her, past a row of houses that were bedecked with at least half of the Christmas decorations in the free world. They liked to brighten things up around here. Of course, the most elaborate of all was Val’s house, because yes, every home should have a life size, neon Santa skiing on their roof.

  By the time they got to Chrissie’s house, Ben had used his own key to get in.

  ‘What’s this I hear about Rocks tickets?’ Val asked jovially, the minute they walked in the door.

  Chrissie went straight into action. ‘Ben, why don’t you go show Tom your room.’ That would work, get Tom out of the way until she’d explained to Val, except…

  ‘Tom?’ Val asked, puzzled. ‘Oh, love, I must have got mixed up. I thought it was someone called Davie you were meeting. I’m Val, pleased to meet you.’ They shook hands, just as Ben suddenly twigged.

  ‘Yeah, it was Davie you were meeting,’ he said. ‘I remember now, too.’

  ‘Erm, that didn’t work out,’ Chrissie blustered. ‘And then I met Tom, who is an old friend and he gave me a lift home.’

  Val’s gaze at Tom’s face turned into a gasp that was so loud that it silenced the room. So much for warning her. Okay, plan B. Swift exit. She raised her eyebrows as she directed her words at Val.

  ‘Actually, Tom is in a bit of a hurry, so we’ll just shoot off.’

  Ben would totally notice that she was behaving a bit strangely, but hopefully he’d put it down to date-night jitters. Her eyes flicked to him and she realised with a sinking heart, that might not be the case. Ben’s gaze went from Val, to her, to Tom, and now he was just staring at him, unable to drag his eyes away.

  Eventually he spoke. ‘My dad was called Tom,’ he said, still staring directly at him.

  Tom looked to her for guidance and she felt herself twist into a frozen state of dread inside.

  No. No. No. No. No.

  There was no point keeping up the charade. Ben was already one step ahead of them.

  ‘Ben?’ she began. He finally broke the stare and looked at her instead. ‘We were going to wait and tell you properly tomorrow, once we’d had a chance to talk it all through, but…’ She paused, steeling herself for whatever reaction she might get. ‘This is your dad.’

  Ben’s eyes widened to the size of side plates. ‘Seriously?’

  ‘Seriously,’ Chrissie confirmed, unsure whether that was seriously good or seriously bad.

  Val was watching this from the back of the room, with a concerned expression and her arms folded under her chest. Val was never this restrained or quiet. It was a worry.

  Ben was back to staring at Tom again. ‘You are actually my dad?’ He still wasn’t giving anything away, and Chrissie was beginning to feel physically sick.

  ‘Yes. Although, I didn’t know until tonight, so please don’t think I was some terrible guy who abandoned you. I promise I didn’t. Your mum says she told you that I’d moved away before we knew she was pregnant and that’s true. I’m so, so sorry I missed you growing up. I’d never have left if I’d known anything about you. I hope you’ll give me a chance to put that right.’

  Before Ben answered, he turned back to Chrissie.

  ‘Mum, what do you think? Are you okay, because you look just like Josh right before he puked his guts out?’

  Chrissie crossed to him and hugged him. ‘I’m fine, babe. Just as long as you’re okay with this. That’s all that matters to me
. I’m so sorry we’ve sprung it on you. I had no idea I was going to bump into your dad tonight, and then you called to say you needed picking up and… I’m sorry. I’m rambling because it’s not all really sunk in yet. Are you okay? Because it’s totally fine if you’re feeling unsure. It’s a shocker.’

  ‘It’s definitely a shocker,’ Ben answered. ‘But if you’re okay, then I think I am, too,’ he said, finally smiling. ‘Although I might be swayed by the Rocks tickets,’ he said, laughing now.

  The relief in the room bounced off the walls.

  ‘Oh my word, that nearly ended me,’ Val said, as she crossed to Tom and hugged him. Chrissie could see it was a little uncharacteristically stilted, but she knew it would be because Val was feeling protective of her. Tom would have to earn her trust. Still, she was friendly and even added a bit of humour to lighten the atmosphere. ‘It’s a pleasure to meet you. You’re a lucky man to have this boy,’ she cooed. ‘And I’m swayed by gin, just so you know.’ At which point, she cackled with laughter that was swiftly contagious. ‘Josie will be spitting that she’s not here,’ she told Chrissie.

  ‘Josie is Val’s best friend. She loves a bit of drama. She’ll be gutted she missed this,’ Chrissie explained to Tom.

  A thought struck her and she realised they needed a change of plan. There was no way she was leaving Ben tonight, not now that he’d had this news. She wanted to stay with him, talk it out, help him process it. She turned to Tom, still struggling to believe he was actually here, in her home. Not in a million years had she expected today to turn out this way.

  ‘You should go on to the hospital. I’m going to stay here with Ben,’ she said. Before he answered, she explained the situation to her son and Val. ‘Tom’s grandfather is in the hospital and he hasn’t got long left, sadly. Tom has been sitting with him through the days and nights this week, because he doesn’t want him to be alone.’ She turned back to Tom, already guessing what he was thinking. ‘I know you’ll be feeling torn, but Ben and me, well, you know where we are now and we’ll have our whole future to catch up with lost time. You don’t have the luxury of time with George.’