Layman's Report
Page 15
IN THE COURT OF QUEEN’S BENCH OF ONTARIO JUDICIAL DISTRICT OF TORONTO
ENTER EXHIBIT
Sample No. Results
880386.17 ND
880386.18 ND
880386.19 ND
880386.20 ND
880386.20D 1.4
880386.21 4.4
880386.22 1.7
880386.23 ND
880386.24 ND
880386.25 3.8
880386.25D 1.9
880386.26 1.3
880386.27 1.4
880386.28 1.3
880386.29 7.0
880386.30 1.1
880386.30D ND
880386.31 ND
880386.32 1,050
Q: What is the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
A: About 1200 degrees Fahrenheit.
(HISTORICAL FACT #4)
DEFENSE: What is the difference between typhus and typhoid?
WITNESS: Typhus is a disease of the blood vessels caused by the human louse. The louse bites the skin, then defecates into the wound. The bite itches. When you scratch the itch, you force bacteria into the bloodstream. It spreads throughout the body and eats away the lining of the blood vessels. As a result it can cause pneumonia, gangrene, exhaustion, shedding of the skin, death.
Typhoid is different…
THE COURT: Nature’s bounty. Which one kills more people?
WITNESS: Typhus, by far.
THE COURT: Proceed.
DEFENSE: Is there a cure?
WITNESS: There is now. In nineteen forty-five there wasn’t.
DEFENSE: That’s when you arrived at B____?
WITNESS: Yes, on the second of May. I was still a medical student.
DEFENSE: What was the condition of the camp when you got there?
WITNESS: Bodies everywhere. I would estimate between three and five hundred people a day were dying of disease. Even the British were getting it. There were fires burning everywhere at B____–the clothing of the dead were burned to kill the lice, which migrate from the dead to the living. There was a terrible smell throughout the camp. You could smell it perhaps three miles away.
DEFENSE: How were the bodies disposed of?
WITNESS: The British used bulldozers to push them into these huge mounds…
DEFENSE: So this surreal footage we’re all familiar with, piles of skeletal bodies being bulldozed into mountains of corpses…
THE CROWN: Objection.
THE COURT: Goddamn lawyers.
Q: And what is your name, sir?
A: I have no name. That, too, is lost in the past.
THE COURT: He doesn’t look Jewish, either.
Q: What is your occupation?
A: I was chief of the Arawaks before Columbus came, before we were enslaved, put to work in the gold mines. Before we were kidnapped, taken to Spain and put up for sale, infected with smallpox, raped, mutilated, hung, burned at the stake.
THE COURT: An outrage.
A: The Spaniards would cut off the legs of children who ran from them. They made bets to see who could cut one of us in half with one stroke of his sword. They took infants from their mothers’ breasts and used them for dog food.
THE COURT: A gross miscarriage: Sir, you’re in the wrong venue. Take this man to Small Claims.
(Discussion off the record.)
Q: And then what?
A: My wife was taking a bath…she was washing herself…there (witness loses composure briefly). We were out of Dial…
Q: What did you do then?
A: I called Rabbi Feldman. We discussed it well into the night…and we decided there was only one thing to do. So we hopped the fence at Greenwood Cemetery and had Kevurah for the four bars.
Q: Would you favor exhuming the grave for DNA testing?
A: I think some things should remain a mystery. (Says Kaddish.)
THE COURT: Does the Crown wish to cross?
THE CROWN: We don’t need soap, My Lady. We have the truth.
[ENTER HISTORICAL FACT]
Q: So there was an order?
A: In my opinion.
Q: A specific order.
A: That is another matter.
Q: Aren’t you an historian?
A: In my opinion.
Q: So there wasn’t an order.
A: The order was oral.
Q: What were the exact words of the oral order?
A: No one knows…we have only reflections.
Q: “So what began in 1941 was a process of destruction not planned in advance.”
A: Correct.
Q: “Not organized centrally by any agency.”
A: Correct.
Q: “No blueprint.”
A: Correct.
Q: “No budget for destructive measures.”
A: Correct.
Q: “They were taken step by step, one step at a time.”
A: This is what I said.
Q: “Not so much a plan being carried out, but an incredible melding of minds, a consensus, mind-reading by a far-flung bureaucracy.” Correct?
A: Perhaps “mind-reading” is a bit excessive…
Q: But this is what you said, correct? A wink and a nod, correct?
A: I said nothing about any order not existing.
Q: Aren’t you an historian?
A: I would describe myself as an empiricist.
Canadian football differs from the American form in that there are twelve players on a team as opposed to eleven, and the season runs from June to November; in that the field is one hundred and ten yards long and sixty-five yards wide; in that the end zones are twenty yards deep and the goalpost positioned on the goal line; in that the line of scrimmage is never closer than one yard from the goal line; in that each offence (Can. sp.) is allotted three downs to convert as opposed to four, and the team against whom a field goal has been scored has the option of either receiving a kickoff, or taking possession on its own thirty-five yard line.
In a further departure from American rules, Canadian football provides for a single-point score called a rouge, but no one is sure what that is.
Q: Welche Musik zogen Sie es vor, fur neue Ankunfte zu spielen?
A: Ravel, der Waltz.
Q: Und fur die Insassen, die gehen zu arbeiten?
A: Alles durch Mozart.
THE COURT: Gesundheit. Now can you hum a few bars of “Lili Marleen”?
THE ACCUSED: ().
From the Testimony of Ivan L_____
A:
It’s very difficult.
Human bodies
Do not burn completely
In open spaces.
The torsos and bones
Are especially hard to incinerate
And tremendous amounts of fuel
Are required.
The heat is constantly escaping
Into the open air
So it’s very hard to concentrate
All the heat
In one area.
CROWN: And what is your occupation, sir?
WITNESS: I’m a photogrammetric engineer specializing in aerial triangulation, digital mapping, and rectification of photographs.
THE COURT: May we call you Chuck?
CROWN: This photograph was taken at a scale of one to ten thousand. Can you see the map of the kremas? (Enter EXHIBIT.)
WITNESS: Yes.
CROWN: These patches, do you have any idea of what they are?
WITNESS: Hard to tell. They’re not shadows, but they have no elevation. I’m not sure what they are.
CROWN: Could they be vents?
WITNESS: It would be hard to say. These pictures were taken with a very long focal length, it’s hard to determine the height of things based on stereo, the geometry involved in stereo. I couldn’t say for sure.
THE COURT: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Q: What about this one?
A: Looks like a swimming pool.
Q: A swimming pool? How can you tell? Is there water in it?
A: Yes. Based on color tone and
the casting of shadows along its edge, I’d say there’s water in it.
Q: Was it used by the inmates?
A: Oh, yes. And there were other recreational activities as well. Soccer, handball, fencing…
Q: Apparently the Commandant was a great believer in physical fitness.
A: Yes, but he was also a cultured man. A great lover of art and music.
Q: We’ve all heard about the orchestra.
A: Not just one…everything you did, you did to music. And he provided a fully equipped studio where artists could paint and sketch. Inmates could take classes in drawing and sculpture.
Q: What about this one?
A: I believe I see the theater.
Q: They showed films at A_____?
A: That was at the cinema.
Q: Were plays performed at the theater?
A: Plays, opera. I saw “Die Fledermaus” there, and “The Magic Flute.”
Q: What was this building?
A: Let me…(Witness puts on glasses.) The library.
Q: Also for inmates?
A: Yes. Some forty-five thousand volumes, I understand. We had some lively discussions there… politics, philosophy. The Commandant was one of those Hegelians, you know, always with the big words…but a real team player. Did I tell you he put in flush toilets?
Q: And this?
A: The sauna.
Q: One more…
A: That would have been the brothel.
Q: There was a brothel at A________?
A: Yes, next to the dental clinic.
(Objection.)
THE COURT: (Waking.) Ma, it’s just underwear…I can explain…
Q: Can you tell me what I am now holding in my hand? (Enter EXHIBIT.)
A: Yes. It is a marriage certificate.
Q: People were married in the camp?
A: Oftentimes worker inmates fell in love and were married…by the Commandant himself.
Q: But surely you couldn’t start a family there.
A: Many children were born in the camp, in the maternity ward of the hospital. There was also a childcare center where inmates could leave the little ones.
Q: So inmates could receive medical care?
A: I myself was treated for the cl—the gout.
Q: Can you tell me what I am now holding in my hand?
A: Gelt. I mean, money. (Enter EXHIBIT.)
Q: German currency?
A: The camp printed its own. When we were paid, we could spend it as we liked…cake, ice cream, extra toiletries at the canteen…
Q: One more question: Did you ever witness any mistreatment of Jews in the camp?
A: Only once, when I was whipped by an S.S. woman…blonde.
THE COURT: Did you have a hard-on?
THE CROWN: I know I do.
Q: Are you saying you’re Jewish?
A: Ja wohl—I mean, I am not a Zionist. Did I tell you about the coupons?
Montreal has more churches than houses, and is sometimes called “The City of Churches.”
A: “Never before has an event been so deeply sensed by its participants as being part of an epoch-shaping history in the making. Never before has a personal experience been felt to be so personally relevant. The hyperhistorical complex may be described as ethnocentric and egocentric. It is why most memoirs and accounts are full of preposterous verbosity, graphonomic exaggeration, dramatic effects, overestimated self-inflation, dilettante philosophizing, would-be lyricism, unchecked histrionics, unconfirmed rumor, bias, apologies, partisan attacks. The question thus arises whether participants in such a world-changing event can at all be its historians and whether the time has already come when valid historic judgment, free of partisanship, vendetta, and ulterior motive, is possible.”
THE COURT: Not on my watch… Hyperwhat?
In Toronto there were only two places where you could buy beer: state-run liquor stores or The Beer Store. At The Beer Store they bought a carton of Heineken. When they got back to the hotel they discovered the carton consisted of ten bottles instead of twelve, and that instead of containing twelve fluid ounces, each bottle contained eleven and a half. They decided that this was not a problem; she just wanted to have something around. There was no fridge but she liked it at room temperature anyway.
Q: I hold in my hand Cassell’s English-German Dictionary, 1957, twelfth edition updated 1968.
A: I am unfamiliar with this volume.
Q: It defines “entwesung” to mean “disinfection, sterilization, extermination of vermin, delousing.” I put it to you that “entwesung” refers to pest control.
A: The prefix “ent” means to negate. And “wesen…” May I see this book?
Q: My Lady…
THE COURT: Got something to hide, Counsel? (to Witness) Mind if I look over your shoulder?
A: “Reality, substance, essence, being, creature.”
THE COURT: “Living thing, organism, state.”
A: “Condition, nature, character, property.”
THE COURT: “Intrinsic virtue, conduct, demeanor.”
Q: If I could get that back…?
A: “Air.”
A: “Way.”
A: “Bearing.”
THE COURT: And while you’re at it, look up creeping fescue.
Judicial notice had been taken. The jury had been instructed. There was no need to prove that which could not be the subject of dispute among reasonable persons. No need for witnesses, testimony, descriptions, heavy accents, etc., for stories that always begin and end the same way (and how else can they begin and end?). No further deposition required, no experts, scholars, translators, perpetrators, journalists. It was on the books, as it were, the jury instructed to that effect. Installed in their wooden chairs in that wooden box of blinded windows, they would not have to hear about, be subject to, suffer the imprecations of, be reduced to, bear with, hear out, be haunted by, put upon, put off, smell what could no longer be smelled but only evoked. It was a matter of record. There was ample documentation, no burden of proof—not to mention what need not be said. (So you suffered. Life is suffering. So you watched loved ones die. Whom has love kept alive?) And it would be something of a relief then, really, to be spared the painstaking detail, the broken-English allegations, the palsied limbs and voices, the unblinking candor, the inevitable tears, the inaccuracy of memory and tyranny of same, the imperfections of translation, the lapses, recoveries, secondhanding of experience, the dignity of composure and indignity of its loss, the figured speech and sly maneuvering of counsel, to not be manipulated, have one’s buttons pushed, look in the eye of or be looked in the eye by, be moved or unmoved, unchanged, unforgiving, not to mention not having to tremble, swallow, nod, shake, believe, hold back, stifle, blink, sigh, envy, doubt oneself, etc., et al., at al., i.a, not to mention ad infinitum, ad absurdam, ad nauseam, ad perpetuam memoriam.
It was officially remembered…
So noted.
Sie schauen gut, Sie schauen gut
Sie blick fein, Sie schauen fein
Happy, happy birthday to you
DEFENSE: I put it to you that it cannot be reasonably true, in that crematorium chimneys do not belch flames.
WITNESS: There are many accounts of a substantially similar nature.
DEFENSE: Have you considered what happens to a chimney that belches flames?
WITNESS: I imagine…
THE COURT: Witness! Do not imagine, please!
EXHIBIT P-4: UNAMENDED, ORIGINAL VERSION OF INFORMATION NUMBER 14476777
Q: The Polish-Soviet investigation committee produced the four million figure?
A: Yes.
Q: Would you say that’s a false figure?
A: I would say it’s inaccurate.
Q: Hoess produced the 2.5 million figure.
A: Yes.
Q: The War Refugee Board produced the 1.7 million figure.
A: I’m not sure whether…
Q: That figure is correct?
A: It’s within reason, yeah, but still a
little high.
Q: And you produced one million.
A: Yes, but with much more information than was at their disposal.
The electric light bulb was invented in Canada. So was the baseball glove.
THE CROWN: Objection.
THE COURT: Overruled.
DEFENSE: Objection.
THE COURT: I’ll allow it, order. (Gavel.) Anyone who finds this testimony distasteful, unpleasant, or emotionally draining is free to stick their head back up their arse. The witness may proceed.
THE ASHES: (
[ENTER CANADIAN CONTENT]
).
WITNESS: I love Jews.
THE CROWN: I quote: “Many countries of the Anglo-Saxon world, notably Britain and America, are today facing the gravest danger in their history, the danger posed by the alien races in their midst. Unless something is done in Britain to halt the immigration and assimilation of Africans and Asians into our country, we are faced in the near future, quite apart from the bloodshed of racial conflict, with the biological alteration and eventual extinction of the British people as they have existed here since the coming of the Saxons. In short, we are threatened with the irrecoverable loss of our European culture and racial heritage.” Are these not your words?
THE COURT: Odor in the court!
WITNESS: I was having a bad day. Notice I didn’t say anything about Jews.
The CN Tower is the tallest free-standing structure in the Western Hemisphere. The stairs to the main level consist of one thousand, seven hundred and seventy-six steps. They are for emergency use only. The indoor observation deck has a glass floor two and a half inches thick. Fred’s wife refused to put her weight on it, so Fred went in alone. He stood on top of one thousand, one hundred and twenty-two feet of space and looked down, a cartoon figure who has stepped off a cliff but has yet to appreciate the untenability of his position. He saw a parking lot. (The tower once housed a discotheque called Sparkles which boasted the highest dance floor in the world.) There was a revolving restaurant that completed a full rotation every seventy-two minutes, but lately they were getting takeout and taking it back to their room.