Wanderlust (1986)

by Steel, Danielle

  The two women didn't speak of it again, but everything Vi had said stuck in Audrey's mind, as she tried to tell herself again and again that it was over, that she couldn't love him anymore ' he was married.

  But it still seemed impossible to believe. All she could remember were the endless hours of making love on the Orient Express, or the wonders of watching the sun come up as they hovered on a mountain-top in Tibet, sitting in a tiny uncomfortable little train. She was so grateful to have done it all now. Without that, she would have no memories to draw on. And again and again, she thought of what Vi had said, about Charlotte making life so easy for him ' she was dancing through hoops for him ' and yet that still didn't seem like an adequate reason to get married. He was different than that, she knew, and that wouldn't have been reason enough, unless she had driven him to it by refusing him again, and he had done it out of anger. But he was more sensible than that as well, and she lay in her bed at night, thinking about him, and telling herself that it didn't matter why he had married Charlotte. He had. And now Audrey had to forget him.

  She tried unsuccessfully to put him out of her mind during the pleasant weeks at Antibes, and she was greatly intrigued when they caught a glimpse of Wally Simpson, and Edward, Prince of Wales. He said a few words to James when they met, and Audrey was introduced to both of them. James seemed to think she'd have something in common with Mrs. Simpson because they were both American, although Mrs. Simpson did nothing more than shake her hand, and Audrey was stunned by how elegantly dressed she was, even in Antibes. She looked as though she had just stepped off the cover of Vogue, in a linen dress and perfectly groomed hair, a small elegant straw hat, and shoes that were obviously custom made, and she was struck by her beautiful pearls, and by how adoringly the Prince looked at her as they walked away. He was an extremely handsome man, and Audrey was excited to have met them. She chatted with Vi about them at length, and they discussed the extent of the scandal. Mrs. Simpson was of course divorced, and everyone was shocked at the Prince's involvement with her. She had hoped to catch a glimpse of the Murphys again too, but tragedy had hit them hard that year, and she never saw them. They had lost their son, Baoth, to spinal meningitis in March that year, and their other little boy, Patrick, had had a relapse of tuberculosis. The gilded life had grown suddenly tarnished.

  But another couple arrived at the villa to distract them. They were good friends of Violet and James, or at least she was. She had been the Baroness Ursula von Mann and she and Vi had gone to boarding school together as young girls, and she had only recently married an economist named Karl Rosen. She was now merely Ursula Rosen, or Ushi as she was called. She had blond curls and big green eyes, and freckles and dimples and a wonderful laugh and she told shocking stories about her friends and family in Munich. They had a large schloss, and she came to the South of France every year, she explained in her German accent, and now they were on their honeymoon. They had been to Vienna and Paris, and now they were here, and in September they were going to Venice and Rome and then back to Berlin where Karl lived. Her father had insisted on buying them an enormous house, and apparently he was concerned but not overly upset that Karl was Jewish. There were admittedly some ripples in Germany just then about Jews, she explained, and her father had warned her not to irritate any of the important Nazis when they met them. She had strong anti-Nazi opinions which she could only voice here, in the South of France, but none of them felt that Hitler was going to bother Jews of any stature. Karl had a doctorate after all, he had written several books, he taught at the University of Berlin, and he was an important man in Germany. He was also very funny when he drank a lot of champagne, and the five of them had a wonderful time in the villa, and with their other friends. Audrey was relaxed and happy and suntanned during the last week of August, as she tried to decide what to do next. She had left herself open to spend several months in London with Charles, and now that wasn't going to happen.

  Come to Venice with us, Ushi suggested as they lay on the terrace soaking up the sun. She was wearing Karl's straw hat over her golden curls and she looked extremely pretty.

  But Audrey laughed at the suggestion. On your honeymoon? Now there's a thought. I'm sure Karl would be thrilled.

  Ja, I'm sure he would be. His voice boomed from the doorway and he came to perch on Ushi's chair. Why don't you come with us, Audrey?

  I can't do that, Karl.

  Why not?

  You two should be alone. It's your honeymoon, for heaven's sake. He leaned over and whispered for all to hear. We could make a m+!nage + trots, ja?

  Nan. She laughed, and turned to see a car pull up, and two people alight. The man had his back turned, and the woman was tall and thin, with a large picture hat, and a very tailored white dress with broad shoulders. She heard the sound of English voices as Vi greeted them in the garden and they went into the house as one of the servants carried their luggage. Vi hadn't told them there would be more guests and she wondered if she should offer them Molly's room. Vi was such a good sport about unexpected houseguests that Audrey wondered if these newcomers had actually been expected.

  Do you know who they are? Ushi asked Audrey lazily and she shook her head. Neither do I. And then she smiled at her new friend. I'm so glad we met you, Audrey ' and little Molly. Ushi hoped to have a baby soon and they were already trying to get her pregnant. They wanted six children, they had already agreed, and they wanted to get started as soon as possible. Ushi was thirty-one, after all, and Karl was thirty-five. They were both exactly the same age as James and Vi. Audrey was the baby of the group at twenty-nine, and they teased her from time to time about it. But as they chatted now, Violet suddenly came out to where they sat, with a large pitcher of lemonade and a nervous glance in the direction of Audrey. Ushi saw it first, and Audrey didn't seem to notice as she poured the fruit juice into glasses for them all, and chatted amiably with Karl as the newcomers stepped out onto the veranda., and the man who walked out behind the well-dressed Englishwoman looked visibly shocked as he saw Audrey. The others were aware of it before she turned around, and when she did, she stood rooted to the spot, and dropped her glass, which shattered on the terrace, and cut her foot badly. Everyone rushed forward to help her to her seat, and Karl proffered a white damask napkin to stanch the blood, but she insisted that someone get a towel, she didn't want to ruin Violet's napkins.

  Oh for heaven's sake, Audrey, don't be a fool. She applied the napkin to the gash herself, and there was suddenly confusion and fuss everywhere, as their eyes finally met. There was no avoiding it forever anyway, and Violet felt Audrey's pain as she proffered a hand to Charlie.

  Hello, Charles. Sorry for the drama as you entered. I'm not always that clumsy. She smiled and felt her whole body shake as she looked at him and then his wife, and no one made any move to introduce them. There was an electricity in the air that was almost painful. How do you do, I'm Audrey Driscoll. She held out her hand and the tall, attractive young woman looked her over and then shook her hand. There was nothing warm in her eyes as she looked at Audrey.

  I'm Charlotte Parker-Scott. How do you do?

  Well, everybody, shall we move inside while they clean things up? There was glass all over the terrace, and Violet was a nervous wreck. Everyone wear shoes, please. She was shooing them all inside and Audrey apologized profusely for the chaos she had created. They both knew why, and Ushi also sensed that this man's arrival had caused Audrey great pain, but one could read nothing on her face as she hobbled inside with Karl's assistance. He offered to carry her and she declined, taking refuge in her room to clean up, and put on a bandage. Vi joined her there moments later, with a look of anguish on her face as she wrung her hands. Audrey, I had no idea ' you must believe me ' so like Charlie to show up like that ' they weren't expected ' .

  It doesn't matter, Vi. It would have happened sooner or later.

  But not here. For heaven's sake, you came here to forget him, or at least I assume so.

  Maybe this is the best cure. A
vaccination of Charles Parker-Scott. And then, as she held a damp cloth to her cut foot she looked unhappily up at her friend. She's a very pretty woman, Vi. I suppose that explains it.

  Violet waved a frantic hand. Don't be ridiculous. She isn't one tenth as pretty as you are. And she's as cold as an iceberg. Even in the few moments she had seen her, Audrey had sensed that about her. She was businesslike and cool, and very much in control. They're only staying the night. I told Charles they can't stay. I can't have you made uncomfortable like that.

  Don't be ridiculous, Vi. Besides, I want to travel a little bit anyway. And Ushi and Karl suggested that I go to Italy with them. She didn't want to go with them, she didn't think it was fair to them, but it was better than staying here now, and she could use them as an excuse to leave, and then part company with them after a day or two. But she didn't want to stay here with Charlie and his new wife, that much was certain.

  Please, Audrey, please ' they'll leave tomorrow, I swear ' . She felt terrible about the pain that had been caused her friend, enough for her to drop her glass and cut her foot. But worst of all had been the look on her face when she first saw Charlie. It was a look of such anguish and despair that it took one's breath away. The magnitude of her loss was written all over her face, and Charlie couldn't possibly have not seen it. Unfortunately, Charlotte had seen it too, and she was discussing it with Charlie in an undertone on the terrace at that moment.

  You didn't tell me she'd be here. She knew precisely who she was, and she suspected just how much she had once meant to Charlie. She had recognized all the signs when he'd returned from San Francisco the year before, and she had taken full advantage of his determination to put her behind him. And she didn't want the memories revived now. She had won him, and she was going to keep him.

  I had no idea. He was painfully quiet and their eyes met. It never occurred to me that she would be. He had been wondering about it himself, how she had managed to leave her grandfather in San Francisco.

  I think we should go to a hotel.

  But his face set in a way Charlotte didn't like. I'm not going to run away from her, Charlotte.

  And I'm not going to live under the same roof with her. Charlotte's eyes were like black rocks and her jaw was tense as she spoke through clenched teeth. Besides, it's not good for me to get nervous. He looked at her and sighed. It was going to be a long six and a half months. Whenever she reminded him of her condition, she was able to get her way, but Charlie wasn't going to risk upsetting her now.

  Let's just try it for tonight. If it's too difficult, we'll go to a hotel tomorrow. I promise. But if we leave now it will be obvious to everyone, and it will upset Vi and James.

  Charlotte was smart enough not to push him, and she stood watching Charles with piercing eyes, particularly when Audrey emerged from her room a few minutes later in a white linen pantsuit a la Dietrich. The snowy white set off her deep tan and her copper hair, and Charlie thought he had never seen her look more lovely, as he turned away and went inside to help himself to another drink. Charlotte was right. This wasn't going to be easy.

  Audrey spent the rest of the afternoon out shopping with Ushi and Karl, and when she came back, she took Molly to the kitchen to feed her. All of Vi's maids were in love with the little girl so there was a constant array of adoring baby-sitters, but Audrey didn't like to leave her very often. And it was comforting to fall back into her routine now, cutting up little bits of cooked chicken for her, and smiling when she laughed and played peekaboo with her napkin. Molly was the only sunshine in Audrey's life, and she realized now that she always would be. It was excruciating to be here with Charles, and it took every ounce of courage she had to go down to dinner that night. She took special care to look her best. Despite what Vi said, she found Charlotte formidable competition. She wore exquisite clothes, and had impeccable taste, and Audrey felt dowdy beside her. She was one of those women who just reeked of money and power, and if it weren't for her brilliant mind, Audrey would have been shocked at Charlie marrying a woman like that. But she was the kind of woman men love to talk to.

  You look lovely tonight, my dear. James complimented Audrey as she sailed into the room in a blue silk dress that revealed her honey-colored shoulders and matched her eyes. He knew she needed a strong arm to lean on, and he offered his when they went into the dining room a little while later, Violet had seated her as far as possible from Charles, and she had even added a few more friends to the evening. She wanted to make the group as large as possible, so that Audrey and Charles would not be forced to be together. And the evening went surprisingly well. Only Audrey and her hosts knew how difficult it was for her. No one else would have suspected. Except Charlotte, who kept a sharp eye on Charles, and who had been especially charming and witty all night, as though to show Audrey whom he had married instead, as though to show her that she would never have measured up anyway.

  And what do you do? she asked Audrey pointedly in a lull at dinner.

  Audrey had looked at her and smiled, speaking very calmly, and no one saw her hands shake as she answered. I take care of my daughter.

  How nice. Charlotte smiled. Everyone knew that she was the future managing director of Beardsley's.

  Don't be so modest about your photographs, Audrey, Violet piped up from the other end. She's very, very good. She looked at Charlotte with barely concealed fury, and Charles stared at his plate. He and Audrey were both thinking of the portrait of Madame Sun Yat-sen that had run in the London Times with his article and given her so much pleasure.

  And then the conversation had swept over them again, like a river running over rocks, and there were no further direct confrontations. Audrey thought it the most exhausting evening she had ever survived and she wandered out to the terrace for a breath of air, while some of the others were playing charades inside. James and Vi loved playing games with their guests, and even Charlotte had joined in, and was growing to be the life of the party. Everyone wanted to play with her, because she was so good at guessing the charade. She was smart as hell, it was just a shame she wasn't warmer.

  Audrey sat down in one of the comfortable wicker chairs with a sigh and closed her eyes as she lay her head back in the moonlight. And she jumped a mile when she heard his voice, barely more than a whisper beside her.

  It's not easy, is it, Aud? She opened her eyes, and at first said nothing, and then she sighed and nodded, offering him a small wintry smile.

  I suppose I shouldn't have come. They're your friends. It was the first time she had spoken to him directly and their eyes told a long, sad tale. Neither of them pretended not to feel anything. It was obvious to anyone that they were both in pain.

  You belong here as much as I do. He was faintly afraid that Charlotte would see him out there, talking to her, and make a scene later. She would have let him do anything in the world he wanted, except talk to Audrey. She was far too aware of the danger. I should have called Violet before we came ' I never thought ' His eyes searched hers, wanting to feel the anger he had felt for her a year before, but it was gone suddenly, and all he felt now was sorrow.

  Grandfather died in June.

  I'm sorry. And he was. He knew how much she loved him. He knew better than anyone. But she only nodded. And then he asked her the question he had feared most. Why did you come here?

  She held her breath and then answered. To see ' James and Vi. The hesitation was only for a fraction of a second. And he turned his head away to look out at the water, silver dipped in the moonlight.

  I was half crazy when I came back from America last year .'

  She shook her head, not wanting to hear what he would say. It was too late. It didn't matter anymore. It was much, much too late. You don't owe me any explanations.

  Don't I? He was a little drunk, but not enough to blur what he felt, not enough to make him think her less beautiful than she was ' not enough to make him numb and not feel the same jolt as he looked into her blue eyes ' . Maybe I need to say it. I never wanted to see yo
u again when I came back. I think I even hated you for a while. And Charlotte was very kind to me. She put balm on the wounds ' she helped me with my work, she sobered me up when I got drunk ' she was there for me ' constantly ' in just the way you had refused to be ' she came to India with me ' and then she came to Egypt. I was there for six months, working on my next book. She thought there were tears in his eyes, but she couldn't tell in the moonlight. She was marvelous ' . He sounded apologetic, but Audrey couldn't tell if he was apologizing to her or to Charlotte. And I liked her. I like her very much in fact. He turned back to face her squarely then and she could see that he was more than a little drunk. But it didn't matter. The trouble is, Audrey, I don't love her. Audrey was shocked at his words, and she stiffened in her chair. She didn't want to hear what he was going to say ' he had no right to have them both ' but before she could say anything to stop him, he continued. I told her that before I married her. I'm not rotten enough to pretend to someone that I love them ' . His voice softened and Audrey felt a lump rise in her throat, ' or brave enough to pretend that I don't ' she said it didn't matter. She didn't expect grand passion and high romance, only loyalty and friendship. And we are friends. Good friends. I like her ' . He was repeating himself and Audrey was shocked, at what he had said ' at what he had done ' it was madness. Why had he married her? But in the next breath, he answered her question. I wouldn't have married her, you know. It's not enough, no matter what she thinks. You and I know better, don't we? He sounded bitter for a moment, and Audrey stood up. She didn't want to sit there and hear him tell her that he didn't love his wife, it made it all the more cruel that he had gotten married. The bitch is, she got pregnant when we were in Egypt. It must have been at the very end. He looked at Audrey mournfully as she wondered if her heart would actually break, or just ache dully for the rest of her life. She's only two and a half months pregnant now ' doesn't show yet ' no one knows ' she refused to have an abortion. His eyes were so filled with pain as he looked at the woman he loved that Audrey couldn't restrain the tears anymore. So we'll have a baby. And we'll be friends. And we'll be very loyal. He sounded broken and empty as he turned away again. And she'll make my books a great success, not that I give a damn ' . And then his voice faded again. I suppose it will be nice to have a child ' . He was thinking of Sean, and then suddenly he turned and took two steps to where Audrey stood and he touched her shoulder with his fingertips as her whole body trembled. I wanted you to know why. No matter how angry I was, Audrey, I wanted you to know that I loved you. Very, very much ' . The tears ran slowly down her cheeks, and he bent toward her and kissed her, and then without another word, he walked back into the party.