Wanderlust (1986)

by Steel, Danielle

  Beardsley shook his head, and then looked at Charles pensively with the tears still on his cheeks. I never understood what happened between you two. I was very angry at you at first, but she always said it wasn't your fault. Decent of her, I thought.

  Very, Charles agreed, choking on the word, but saying it for his sake anyway. It was something just between us. Her father nodded. Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help. I'll leave my number with the girl at the desk. Beardsley nodded again, and Charles exited from the room, looking pale when he emerged, and his eyes met those of the young secretary.

  I tried to tell you ' .

  It's all right. He jotted his phone number at Lord Hawthorne's on a scrap of paper, and took a taxi back to the station, and by nightfall, he was back in the country, and quietly walked into the large, baronial living room, wondering where everyone was. It had been a long, quiet ride for him on the train, thinking back to when he had married her, and why, and when she had lied to him about the baby. After so many years of hating her, suddenly he had no more malice. He only wanted to put it behind him and marry Audrey, and he was very sorry for old man Beardsley.

  Charles, is that you? Lady Vi came out of the library wearing an apron, and holding a Christmas ornament in one hand. The children have been decorating the tree, it looks lovely. And then she saw the tired look around his eyes. Something wrong? She was always worried about James, always worried that someone would hear something before she did. But Charlie was quick to shake his head.

  It was just a long boring journey from London.

  She nodded, relieved, and offered him a cup of tea.

  I'd love it. How's Audrey?

  She's fine. She actually took a nap this afternoon. After I threatened to tell you if she didn't. He followed her into the kitchen and found Audrey there, and when she looked into his eyes, she knew that something had happened.

  What's up?

  Nothing. Why?

  You look tired.

  I am tired. He waved his crutches as he sat down. These don't make life easy. And they both knew it would be months before he could give them up. His sciatic nerve had been affected by the shrapnel, not permanently they said, but it would take a long time to heal. In some ways, she was glad. She wanted him with her until she had the baby.

  But she was still looking at him searchingly as he drank his tea. What aren't you telling me, Charles? She was worried that it might be another spy mission, yet with his wound it didn't seem likely.

  He laughed at her persistence. Mata Hari. And then he decided to tell her. Vi was busy with the children again, and they could tell her later. Charlotte was killed last night.

  For an instant, Audrey looked stunned, not fully absorbing the implications. How do you know?

  I went to see her yesterday.

  What for?

  What we talked about before. To be blunt about it, I went to blackmail her into giving me the divorce. I pretended to having had her followed for the last year. He wasn't proud of it now, but had she lived, it would have been his only way out of their marriage.

  What did she say? Audrey spoke quietly, still shocked at the news.

  She was livid, and she would have agreed to the divorce of course. She said she needed to think about it, which was a bluff, and when I went back today, I found her father in her office and he told me ' . Audrey reached out a hand and took his, she correctly guessed that he felt awful at what he'd done, and yet he'd had no choice. It was different only with hindsight. Who could have known she would have died that night? He was terribly upset and I felt like a complete bastard.

  She nodded. It's all right, Charles ' you couldn't help it. Is that why you went to London?

  Yes. He sighed. The end result is the same in any case, actually as awful as it sounds, this is better. It's quicker. I want to marry you right away. He smiled and so did she.

  Is that proper?

  Are you serious? Under the circumstances, it would be ridiculous if I pretended to be in mourning. I barely knew her, and she did everything possible to ruin my life. I hardly owe her a day of mourning. Although he felt sorry for her anyway, or her father at least. He looked deep into Audrey's eyes. Will you marry me, Aud?

  You know I will.

  When? He didn't want to wait a moment longer.

  Now ' tomorrow ' next week, whenever you want to. She smiled.

  They waited for James to come home, and got married the day after Christmas. Both Lord Hawthorne and James stood up beside Charles, and Vi was the matron of honor. Molly was their flower girl, and Alexandra and James stood by as part of the wedding party. It was a lovely wedding on a crisp, cold sunny day, and Audrey borrowed a beautiful white challis dress from Vi, which was a trifle too big for her and covered the bulge of her growing tummy perfectly. And that night, Audrey and Charles lay side by side, thinking of how far they had come, and how much they loved each other.

  They lay whispering in the dark, and after they made love, Charlie put an arm around her, and they lay looking at the moonlight, grateful to be far from the air raids in London.

  I want you to stay here until the baby comes. She didn't like the way he spoke of the war, and she looked up at him worriedly.

  Aren't you staying too?

  I will for as long as I can. But sooner or later they'll want to send me back, to Cairo or somewhere.

  Just tell them to wait six months.

  Just relax. No matter what, I'll be here. It was a promise he hoped he could keep. He didn't want her to go through anything without him again, and with luck, the baby would come just at the end of his sick leave. He didn't want to be home for much longer. What'll we call him, by the way?

  What about Edward, after my grandfather?

  He liked the sound of it, and pulled her closer to him. I like that. And what about Anthony after mine? Edward Anthony Parker-Scott.

  Edward Anthony Charles ' She added with a smile, and drifted off to sleep in his arms. It felt so wonderful to be married.

  Chapter 43

  After Christmas, the days seemed to drag, but Audrey felt healthier than she had in years. They went for long walks in the countryside, and Charles seemed to be getting stronger. He had to report to the nearest military hospital once a week, but they seemed to be pleased with his progress. And the baby seemed to be well established. She was getting larger every week, and in the spring, he teased her about how awkward she was becoming. She had hardly anything to wear, and he took her to London once or twice, to check on their house and Ws, and buy some clothes she could wear as she got larger. And when they came back, they always brought treats for Molly and the other children. Molly was a beautiful little girl, and she was excited about the baby that was coming that summer.

  How does she come, Mummy? Will a fairy drop her off in the garden? '

  Well, no, not quite ' Daddy and I have to go to the hospital to get the baby. And it might be a boy, you know. She always referred to the baby as she, just as Charlie was certain it was a boy. A boy baby would be nice too.

  Mmm ' She looked unimpressed. Maybe. Will Daddy have to go back to the war again, after the baby comes? She looked worried and Audrey pulled her closer as she nodded.

  Yes, sweetheart, he will. Just like Uncle James.

  And you too?

  Audrey shook her head. I'm going to stay here with you and the baby. Molly looked relieved at her answer. She had survived their absence well, but she preferred having them home, understandably. And Audrey was acutely aware of how much Alexandra and James missed their father. Charlie tried to make up for it by playing games with them, taking little James for drives, and even giving him driving lessons in the Chevrolet wagon, but nothing equaled their joy when James came home for an occasional weekend.

  He came home at Eastertime, and Vi organized an egg hunt for everyone, writing funny sayings on the eggs, and hiding little prizes and goodies in obvious places. Audrey was more than six months pregnant by then, and Charles teased her about hiding her as t
he grand prize. She was the biggest egg of all, and he loved feeling the baby move, when he put a hand on her stomach.

  Are you sure it's not twins?

  Charlie, that's not funny! But even Audrey had to admit she was enormous, and James teased them both about being on their honeymoon with Audrey in that shocking condition. They were all relieved that Audrey and Charles had finally been able to get married.

  It was a peaceful, happy time, a respite from the war, and Audrey was only sorry when she got a letter from Annabelle, telling her that her husband had been killed in the Pacific. Audrey sat down to write a long serious letter to her, but only two weeks later, Annabelle wrote again. She had gotten married in San Diego to a naval officer, and Audrey was shocked. Annabelle was truly a strange girl, and she could just imagine how badly she was behaving with all the military personnel in San Francisco. It troubled her deeply, but Charlie reminded her that there wasn't a damn thing she could do about it, and she had to admit that it had been years since she'd felt any closeness to her. Her life was here, in England now, and it almost seemed foolish to keep a half interest in the houses in Tahoe and San Francisco, except that she was content to leave them to Annabelle, who seemed to want to continue to live there. Her new husband had already shipped out, and she had returned to the house on California Street with her children, whom Audrey scarcely knew. Little Winston and Hannah.

  Strange, isn't it, how different people can be, even in the same family. she mused to Charlie as they lay on the grass under a huge tree, her big stomach like a mountain under which she lay, while he gently stroked her coppery mane, and looked at her tenderly. He had never thought her more lovely. And they went back inside, hand in hand, as the telephone rang. Charles was the first to pick it up, and Vi was out buying groceries, as Audrey sliced an apple for them to share. Lord Hawthorne had gone with Vi, and the children were all doing their homework with the nurse, even little Molly.

  Yes? ' yes ' no, this is Charles Parker-Scott, may I take a message for her? There was a long silence, as he turned his back to his wife. Are they sure? He spoke in an undertone. There's no mistake? ' when will they know? ' I see ' please call us back. He hung up and for an instant he didn't move as Audrey watched him. And when he turned to face her again, his eyes were brimming with tears. He hadn't wanted to tell her, but he couldn't hide it.

  Oh Charlie ' what is it? ' But she knew ' in her heart of hearts she knew the moment Charlie began to speak on the phone. It was James. What happened?

  James's plane went down after a raid on Cologne. He's missing in action. He may have been killed, or he may have been taken prisoner, they just don't know. They're going to call us back when they know more. Some of the planes aren't in yet.

  Are they sure he's not one of those?

  He shook his head. They saw his plane go down.

  Oh my God ' She sat down in a chair, holding her belly.

  Take it easy, Aud. He went to get her a glass of water and she took a sip with a trembling hand, but they were both thinking of Vi. The second call came two hours later, just as she walked in the door, and she hurried for the phone, as she always did, but Charles beat her to it. I've got it, Vi. He turned his back to her as he had to Audrey with the first call. This is Parker-Scott here. He suddenly sounded very British to Audrey's ears, and much too official. She didn't want this to be happening to them, and she didn't know what they'd say to Vi ' and it could have been Charles instead of James ' but she didn't want it to be either one ' her eyes filled with tears and she had to turn away so Vi didn't see them. Charlie hung up the phone very quickly and his eyes were grim. He looked at Audrey and then at Vi. Let's go sit down. Violet instantly stiffened.

  What's wrong, Charles? Tell me now. Her voice trembled as he guided her by the arm to a kitchen chair and sat her down before he spoke.

  I'll tell you as much as I know, Vi. James's plane went down on his way back from a bombing raid in Germany. They went over France, inside the Occupied lines. And no one knows for sure if he was killed. There is simply no way of knowing anything until we hear if he was taken prisoner or not ' . ' or until the end of the war, but he didn't say it. The men who saw him go down think he may have made it. Violet's gasp sounded like a physical pain, and her whole body shuddered.

  I see. When did this happen?

  Early this morning.

  Wouldn't they know by now?

  Not necessarily. They may not know for weeks, or even months. You just have to wait ' and pray ' . But it was terrible telling the children.

  Vi told them herself, and James tried to control himself manfully and then went outside to sob in Charles's arms, as the women sat with Alexandra and Molly. Vi held her little girl on her lap, as Audrey held Molly, and all of them talked about God, and how good He was, and how much He loved their Daddy. And Molly sat watching them all with enormous eyes.

  Will Uncle James meet my other Mommy and Daddy now too? She knew she had been born in China of other parents, and Audrey held her close to her with tears rolling down her cheeks.

  Maybe sweetheart. But maybe he'll come home to us again. And maybe not. Not knowing was the worst part.

  After they got the children to bed, Violet sat staring into the fire with a look of complete despair. Telling the children that their father might be dead was the most difficult thing she had ever done, and now Audrey held out a hand to her, and the two women sat side by side, holding hands, and talking about James.

  I still think he'll come home anyway. Does that sound very foolish? She looked at both of them as the tears flowed again, and Audrey told her that she wanted to believe the same thing. Perhaps the Free French will help him. He speaks French beautifully ' . Her voice trailed off, and she insisted on going upstairs to bring Lord Hawthorne a brandy. He had retired to his study and was too proud to cry with the rest of them, but Charles knew how anguished he must be about James.

  It was midnight before they all went to bed, and they kept waiting for the phone to ring, for news of James ' that he had returned ' that it was all a mistake ' but the phone never rang again that evening.

  Chapter 44

  The last days of her pregnancy were truly miserable for Audrey. Charles was almost well now, and he was getting restless being there. The disappearance of James had made him even more anxious to go back to the war and do something useful. And Violet seemed much more high-strung than she had been before, although in quiet moments, she insisted that she still felt as though James were alive somewhere, and she wouldn't give up hope until someone could tell her certainly that her husband had not survived his mission. But with each passing day, it seemed less likely that he had lived when his plane crashed.

  The children were adjusting slowly to the reality, although perhaps less well than they might have if Violet had been able to admit that he was dead, or if they knew it for certain. It was difficult insisting that he was only temporarily absent from their lives. And he was sorely missed by all, especially Vi and the children.

  And Audrey had gotten so enormous that she could barely move, and to make matters worse, in June they had a massive heat wave. She felt like a mountain on legs and she couldn't breathe at night. She could barely move as the baby kicked and shoved and pounded at her. It was like being beaten up inside, as she explained to Charlie, and two weeks after her due date in July, she was still waiting. The doctor said that that wasn't unusual, and he urged her to go for long healthy walks and to get lots of sleep, both of which seemed impossible to her, as encumbered as she was, but both Charles and Vi forced her to get out and walk frequently, and seventeen days after the baby was due, they had her walking over the rolling green hills, complaining at them as they egged her on, and all three of them laughed at her enormous bulk. The baby's arrival was the only thing that balanced the terrible grief they all felt over James.

  I am absolutely not going to walk one more step, you two. Do you understand? You're going to have to carry me back! First you make me eat an enormous lunch, then you drag me on
a fifty-mile hike! They were all laughing, and she sat on a large rock, refusing to move an inch. This is it! You'll have to get a truck if you want to get me home. She looked up at Charles and he laughed.

  It'll have to be an awfully big truck ' . He said it pensively and she pretended to swat him. But she was genuinely tired when they got home and her back was killing her. Vi offered her a hot-water bottle when she complained about it, and then Audrey mentioned something about feeling as though she had the flu.

  What makes you say that? Vi looked at her suspiciously.

  I've had awful indigestion all day ' and my back is killing me ' .

  Really? Violet smiled victoriously and informed Charles a little while later that she suspected his son was going to make an appearance fairly soon.

  You mean now? He looked panicky. Did she start?

  No, no ' Violet smiled at him, but her eyes didn't smile anymore as they once had ' not without James ' . I just recognize some of the warning signs. She's getting there.

  It's about time. He looked relieved, but he was startled when Audrey started reorganizing the nursery that night instead of going to bed. She insisted that she didn't have everything she needed and she didn't get to bed until after one o'clock and he was already asleep then. But she simply couldn't get comfortable and she had to get up and walk around. The backache was worse than it had been all day, and she had small nagging pains everywhere. She decided to take a warm bath, and even that didn't help, and then suddenly as she sat in the tub, a strong contraction gripped her, and it took her breath away. She had expected it to start gently, like the books said, but this was rough. And then when it was gone, she wondered if she had imagined how sharp the pain was. She felt better again, and lay lolling in the tub, and then just as she was about to get out, she was hit with another powerful pain, and she had to grip the faucets so as not to scream or lose her balance. She got out as quickly as she could afterward, wrapped herself in a towel, and was about to get Charles when her water broke all over the bathroom floor, and suddenly she felt panic-stricken. Things weren't supposed to happen that way. It was all supposed to be orderly and calm, building up to a crescendo that would result in a baby in her arms. But this suddenly jangled her, and she was trying not to think of the panic she had felt when she had the miscarriage.