If I Did It

by The Goldman Family

  We went upstairs, leaving our group behind. Upon entering the room, the look on Michael’s face was not a happy one. He and Peter had been on the phone with the producers who had informed them that there were some big changes to tomorrow’s show.

  The first change was that Oprah had not and would not read the book. The second was that Denise had suddenly changed her mind and now she wanted to do the show and was apparently already en route to Chicago. She was going to “pre-tape” her segment because she was refusing to be on the same stage with our family. What was she so afraid of? By this point, Marcia Clark and Chris Darden had joined the line up for the program and the producers were going to drop Denise’s piece into the live show, without any of us seeing the other’s interview or having a chance to discuss our differences as originally planned. Our faces mirrored Michael’s. We felt ambushed and betrayed. The uneasy feeling from earlier had resurfaced. Now we had a choice to make.

  We were incredibly disappointed that Oprah had opted not to read the book or even just our chapter which explained why we took this course of action. We were equally dismayed that Denise had worked herself back into the show, in a way that protected her from really having to endure any tough questions from Oprah or being confronted by us.

  We felt backed into a corner and considered canceling the interview. However, knowing in our hearts that our decision to do this book was the right one, and recognizing that we had an enormous platform to deliver our message the way we wanted it, we agreed to appear, despite the last-second changes.

  The mood for the night had changed once again. We were angry and nervous that we were possibly entering a hostile environment. Not having a chance to go head to head with Denise was most troubling. We waited patiently for the day when we could confront her on the issues over which she had gone after our family. She had been blaming us 100% for this entire situation, while seemingly never holding the killer accountable for creating it to begin with. We believe strongly that she is a coward and realized her position would not hold up once we revealed the truth. Maybe she thought it would be easier to hide behind a taped interview. Even though it was important for us to finally have the chance to challenge her on some of her accusations, she was not who we needed to convince.

  Walking into the Oprah building was surreal. The energy was low, our guard was up, and we felt incredibly vulnerable. The pressure was extremely high and it felt awkward. There was a lot of rushing around and last minute changes, which only increased our anxiety. We didn’t know if we had walked into a safe place or if the artillery had arrived, which was unnerving. The producers had come into the green room and sat with us to walk us through the show. We were not trusting. Even though we knew that we could in some way control the flow of conversation, it was not up to us how the show would proceed. We just knew we had a purpose, and we knew we were there with good intentions, so the rest was out of our hands.

  We were told that after our segment was taped we would need to leave the building before they continued with showing Denise’s piece. Apparently that is what they promised her.

  It was time to take the stage. We said goodbye to Patti, our friends, and our attorneys who had seats in the audience. Michael stayed behind to watch from backstage. The corridor to the Oprah stage is a short walk from the green room; it was the walk from the door to our seats on the stage that felt ten miles long. We stepped out from behind the curtain into a studio full of people who immediately stopped talking the second we appeared. Kim followed Fred to the two chairs on set; she was focused on getting there without tripping, but the whispers were causing her knees to buckle. We sat down and looked out to the audience, panning quickly to find familiar faces. It was so eerily quiet we could hear our own hearts beating. Kim leaned over to Fred and said, “I can’t take the whispering and the staring, I feel so hated here.” Fred grabbed Kim’s hand in an effort to console her when suddenly the room exploded with applause as Oprah walked out.

  We stood to greet her, shook hands, exchanged a quick hug and resumed our position. Oprah opened the show describing her disgust for the book and announced that she had not read it, and had no intention of reading it. The audience erupted again. She turned our attention to the monitors and they played a short clip of footage that summarized how we came to own the book. They flashed images of Ron’s and Nicole’s dead bodies, the killer in court the day he was acquitted, the day we had won our judgment in the civil case and lastly, a clip of the killer with his arrogant smile, saying “if I have to work a day to pay the Goldmans, I just won’t do it. I’ll go play golf instead. It’s just that simple.” Both of us were left visibly shaken and teary eyed when the piece ended. It’s amazing how easily every emotion we ever felt comes rushing back the second we see his face and the lack of remorse he displays for the horror he created.

  Being on the stage with Oprah, knowing how she felt and how we imagined the audience felt, was unnerving. It was the first time since Ron was killed that we felt unsupported. The public was a place of comfort and compassion for our family for more than a decade, but sitting on the stage that day, we felt the tide had turned. We believed people were angry with us for our decision to publish the book, maybe because they didn’t understand our motive. We felt vilified for having done what we did, made to feel like outcasts, or worse, “in the same category as the killer,” as some would say. We could appreciate why people were confused. After all, we had not expressed our side of the story; we had stayed quiet and let Denise and others do the talking, until today.

  Oprah probed into our decision and challenged us on the “flip flopping” that we had admittedly done. She was very opinionated and seemingly closed off to hearing anything that didn’t support her position. Slowly, as we shared our emotion, we think that sentiment shifted, we felt the tide turning. Fred reminded the audience that there was one thing we had hoped to accomplish by publishing the book, which was to pull the veil off of the issue of domestic violence. He said, “If one woman can see herself as Nicole and get out of that situation before she is killed, then we will have done our part.” Fred could barely contain his tears.

  We continued to articulate why, thanks to the “justice system,” we had no other choice but to pursue and publish this book. We defended ourselves against the claims of “greed” and the acceptance of “blood money” and we explained that the killer’s kids, who are young adults, had known about the book, signed off on the publication and stood to profit from the original sale. We took the audience and Oprah step by step and explained how we ended up in this unwanted situation. Oprah seemed to soften and, at one point, even stopped herself mid-sentence, realizing she had nothing to say in response to Kim’s emotional declaration, “this was our first real victory.”

  After a commercial break, Marcia and Chris joined the conversation. As we continued to talk, we found ourselves sitting more upright, feeling more confident than ever, and finally feeling slightly redeemed. In all honesty, people place a tremendous amount of importance on Oprah and her ability to sway public opinion, but on that day, in that studio, our story swayed that particular audience. The whispering and staring slowly dissipated and after thirty minutes, the tension in the air had finally lifted.

  When our segment ended, we were shuffled out of the building. We had no idea how the rest of the show would go, and wouldn’t see the final piece until the following day. We felt good about what we had done. It was satisfying to finally be able to talk freely about things we had bottled up for months. On our way to the airport, Oprah called us to say thank you and goodbye and to express her appreciation for our appearance on the show. She wished us good luck and hung up. We all breathed a sigh of relief and rallied for the next round of interviews that would take us to New York.

  The book’s publisher had invited his staff and our family to watch the Oprah show together when it aired the following day. Eric Kampmann wanted to celebrate the release of the book, the success of the sales, and the premiere of the Oprah show. As much as
we understood his desire to have us gather as a group, we politely declined. We watched the show alone in a hotel room while the rest of the team gathered downstairs. Typically we do not watch our interviews, but because we didn’t know what Denise was going to say, we felt compelled to do so this time.

  Fortunately, our worries were quickly put to rest. Although Denise did not miss the opportunity to slam our family, there was nothing new for us to be concerned about and nothing that warranted a response. In fact, we were quite surprised that given the tremendous Oprah viewership, Denise never asked people to boycott the book. She had the perfect chance to plead her case and didn’t. All in all, the show was the best it could have been and it was time to move forward. We returned to the room where the publishing staff were, expressed our thanks for their hard work, and left.

  Michael had arranged for a few more interviews over the course of the next two days, but nothing would prepare us for what would begin to unfold as we left The Today Show studios. Just after we finished our interview, we got word that the killer was in some kind of trouble in Vegas. We all laughed and thought nothing of it. It was not the first time that he had been involved in some kind of trouble, so we didn’t place much importance on the news.

  However, as the day progressed, we received a call from our attorney, Jonathan Polak, who shared with us more specific information about stolen memorabilia and an apparent “sting operation” in some dingy hotel room in Las Vegas. Again, we all laughed, obviously not understanding the gravity of what it all meant. Still unclear as to the specifics, we continued our day. We had to be at Fox Studios for a noon interview, so we hopped into a car and headed out.

  Once at the studio, the story had caught on like wildfire. Our interview, which was supposed to be about the book, predictably shifted its focus to him, our lives yet again being dictated by actions of the killer. We sat on the set, waiting for a press conference with local officials in Vegas to begin. They were planning on informing the public and the media what had occurred in Las Vegas the night before.

  The time sitting on that stage, waiting for news about the killer, reminded us of the day we were waiting for the killer to turn himself in to police years back when he was arrested for the crime of murder. The anticipation, anxiety, and the lack of control is such an intense mix of emotions, and there we were once more, waiting for it to be played out on television. The media was gripped by this new story and suddenly the publication of the book was old news. All attention was on him. As much as we can sometimes feel like we are in control, we realize we are not. Because of his outlandish and bizarre actions, he was directing the next phase of this long, drawn-out drama.

  A few days after the news of the hotel break-in in Las Vegas, we had all begun our journeys home, only to be met with the best news of the day. As Kim’s plane landed in Los Angeles, her blackberry immediately began vibrating. She quickly scanned her inbox and saw an urgent email from Peter with the subject line “he has been arrested! Call me ASAP.” Kim was stunned by the news. A moment later, her phone rang. It was Fred, who was reeling with the news that the “S.O.B was in jail!!” We burst into laughter and then the tears flowed. We were not sure what to believe, but the thought of him in shackles and an orange jumpsuit was a dream come true. Maybe karma would get him, and maybe we would get to watch it happen.

  The details of his arrest poured in quickly. Guns, thugs, tape recordings, stolen items, kidnapping, cussing, threats, and lastly, an arrest that would land him behind bars. Watching the news footage and reading the newspapers was like music to our ears. And then the pundits chimed in, “there is no case,” “he will do 90 years if convicted of kidnapping,” “he wasn’t brandishing a gun, he’s just an accomplice,” they said. It wasn’t too long before we found ourselves fantasizing of that guilty verdict that we were denied twelve years ago. The optimists in us believe that his time has come, and that he is finally going to get what’s coming to him, while the pessimists in us extinguish any hint of hope and expect the worst. We are right back to the day of the criminal verdict. Have we come full circle?

  For the next few days, the news coverage was reminiscent of years past. News of his arrest was all over the news, the internet, the radio. Everyone became an expert and a psychic, predicting the outcome in Las Vegas. We began receiving letters of support and encouragement, and sometimes the occasional note to give us information that “would put him away for good.” Although we had been crushed by the system before, people still tried to convince us that this time, he would pay. We would be holding our breath until then.

  Unbeknownst to us, Judith Regan had been calling our publicist, Michael Wright, since the book came out, wanting us to appear on her radio show. Knowing how we felt about her, Michael did not jump at the chance. Shortly after the noise from Vegas quieted, he gently broached the topic with us. Michael suggested that it could potentially be a good opportunity to air our differences and to allow us to explain why we were so upset when the book and TV interview originally came to be. Both of us rejected the idea immediately. But after a day or two of letting it sink in, we decided that we would talk to her first to get an idea of how the show would go and what the tone would be. After all, we knew she was unhappy with what we had done to get the book canceled, and we were fairly certain that she held us accountable for getting her fired. Once we had talked, we would make a final decision.

  The call with Judith started out a little awkward. She was defensive but not apologetic by any means. She quickly launched into a line of questioning that included “why were you so upset about the book being written?” “why did you pursue a boycott?” and “how could you not see this book as a confession?” Never truly allowing us to answer, she continued with her “reasoning” behind all of it and almost suggested she was a good Samaritan because of her intentions to bring awareness to the issue of domestic violence. Once we were able to get a word in edgewise, we explained that at the time, we had not read the book and were responding to what we perceived the book to be, a “manual for murder.” Now, having read the book, we obviously feel differently and can appreciate what her intentions were back then. Additionally, when we expressed our disappointment that a reputable publisher and network such as herself and Fox would enter into a business deal with a killer, she was very quick to defend that action.

  Initially she said she didn’t know where the money was going, then she finally admitted that the issue of money and the killer turning a profit did cause her some measure of concern. The way she handled that was to demand that the killer not receive a dime directly, and to be assured that it would go to his kids instead. So when the newly formed company, Lorraine Brooke & Associates, appeared out of thin air, she didn’t question it. She said she felt much better and proceeded to sign the contract. We pointed out to her that it was obvious by her unwillingness to pay the killer directly that she was aware of what she was doing and the possible ramifications. She knew there was a $38 million judgment against him and didn’t care as long as he didn’t pocket the cash. We told her that obviously at some point her moral compass went off but she essentially disregarded it once LBA was in place and the deal could move forward so she could land the interview and the book deal of a lifetime! We wanted her to understand that while she may have thought she was doing something for the greater good, she was not being responsible to the people directly involved. She was insensitive towards our family. She kept repeating that she was worried about the children, never acknowledging that her actions were hurtful and disrespectful to us. At one point she even went so far as to say that she was not as concerned with us because Ron didn’t have any children who would be impacted. To which we replied, “that’s true because your celebrity author killed him!” Despite how horribly callous that sentiment was, and knowing this would be a fairly contentious interview, there was nothing that we didn’t feel we could handle. Again, we knew we had the facts on our side. We had moved on from the anger we felt towards her, HarperCollins, and Fox and were j
ust focused on doing what we could to turn the killer’s words against him. So when she asked us at the end of the call if we would do her show, we agreed. Producers set the interview up for a few days later at noon.

  On the day scheduled for the interview, noontime came and went with no phone call from her show. It was not until about 2:00 pm that someone finally returned our email inquiry and blamed a bad phone line for the interview not taking place. We were incredibly disappointed that, after the relentless pursuit for us to do her show and the time we spent talking to Judith prior to the interview, they wouldn’t even extend the courtesy of a call to let us know they were experiencing “technical difficulties.” Maybe Judith’s moral compass had turned back on and she realized that trying to defend her actions, which had directly hurt our family, would not play out so well with her listeners.

  In October, we received an invitation to appear on Dr. Phil’s show. One of the first things that Michael asked before entertaining the idea was whether Dr. Phil had read or would read the book. In a matter of fact way, the producer told Michael she wouldn’t even ask Dr. Phil to read it. Michael was stunned by the response and rejected the offer. We felt strongly that if someone wanted to have a legitimate conversation with us about the book and our legal struggles, they would need to educate themselves and have all the facts. If they chose at that point to be disgusted or supportive, then at least it would be because they had armed themselves with all the relevant information.

  Michael called his colleague on the show, senior producer Julie Ross, and told her what he had been told. She was equally incensed and she immediately told him that Dr. Phil would have to read the book in order to do the interview. “How could he speak on this topic if he doesn’t read the book?” she asked. Shortly thereafter, she called us back and said that not only had Dr. Phil read the book, but he would encourage others to read it as well, as an insight into the killer’s mind. We were shocked and so thankful. He would be one of the only interviewers who would publicly endorse the book as a confession. To have a recognizable talk show host/therapist do that would legitimize and validate what we had set out to do: to have the book be considered a confession.