As I Close My Eyes

by Sarah DiCello

  “I couldn’t wait to meet y’all and I’m so glad it worked out that we could drive up here. Maybe next time you can come down to see us in Georgia,” I replied, unsure of how Ben would appreciate my invitation.

  “Even though it was brief and he’s most definitely still drunk, it was nice to finally see my son.”

  “Speaking of your son, I was thinking about throwing Ben a party for the one-year anniversary of him opening Something Old. What do you think?” I asked her, anxiously awaiting her response.

  “I think it’s a wonderful idea, Danielle.”

  “There’s something else, too. I was wondering if you, Mr. Sheffield, Sharon, and Leah could come down south for it as well.”

  “Well, when were you planning on doing this party?”

  “Next weekend, actually. I know it's last minute, but I already talked to his friends here last night and most of them said they could make it. I thought maybe I could come to his bookstore when he’s closing it up on Saturday night and accidentally leave my purse there so that when Ben and I go out to dinner we’d have to go back and everyone could be there.”

  “That’s a fabulous idea. We’ll get a flight down there and I’ll plan everything,” said his mother as she clapped her hands together in complete excitement that she’d have a party to plan.

  “You don’t have to do that, Mrs. Sheffield, I am there and can do the planning.”

  “Now, Danielle, this is what I live for. Besides, Maryann can help me. I’ll get a caterer to come to his store while you are out to dinner with him and I’ll hire a decorator to make the place sparkle by the time you get back.”

  “If you insist. Please let me know what I can do,” I replied, slightly annoyed that she completely took over and would now be getting most of the credit for the surprise party. I guess I’d have to get used to it if I was going to call her my mother-in-law some day. It was a thought that made me want to throw up and jump for joy all at the same time.

  “Don’t you worry about a thing. I’ll have that old bookstore looking like Tiffany’s when I’m through with it.”

  Before we left, we Skyped Ben’s brother in Europe as we planned and I felt a bit relieved that I didn’t recognize him. With every new face I met, my brain scanned the dreams I had for someone in the past who looked like them, but his brother Kevin didn’t match anyone I had seen in Cape May. Towards the end of the conversation, Ben and I decided that we’d fly out to Belgium to see him soon since I had never been to Europe. As we ended our discussion, Maryann brought down the last of our bags and set them at the bottom of the steps. Ben and Mr. Sheffield loaded them into the back of the Audi.

  “Thank you for having me,” I said as I hugged Ben’s mother and father on the stone front porch.

  Ben was already in the front passenger seat, hunched over and wearing a hat and dark sunglasses to keep the piercing rays out of his delicate eyes.

  We both waved out of our windows as we began our trek back to Georgia. It was apparently my turn to drive.

  Chapter 27

  We were only ten minutes into the drive when I had to pull over because he thought he’d get sick. I could hear retching sounds coming from him as the passenger door pushed open, then the splash of yesterday’s dinner. He let out a sigh and fell back into his seat.

  The hours of quiet solace I had while passing through several states on the way back down south helped my mind wander. My bag was open a bit in the backseat and I could see, out of the corner of my eye, several of the photos we had found peeking out of the top. I started to get sad again thinking about Robert’s death. It didn’t say how he died in that book I found in the library and I wasn’t sure I even wanted to know. I had become so connected to the people in my dreams. My emotional attachment to Caroline’s life in Cape May teetered on a delicate edge and my mental health was beginning to affect me physically. I was beginning to get frequent headaches, probably from the stress and almost constant transportation between the two times.

  I drove for eight hours straight before Ben awoke from his drunken slumber.

  “Where are we?” he asked.

  “It lives,” I said.

  “Ha, ha. Seriously, what state are we in?”

  “We just crossed into North Carolina. My guess is that we have about four hours to go.”

  “Have you stopped to eat yet?”

  “No, I didn’t want to wake you,” I replied, but it was more about getting lost in my thoughts of Cape May that kept me from eating.

  “Let’s stop at the next exit. I can’t believe you haven’t had to get gas yet.”

  “I actually stopped a few hours ago, but you were asleep.”

  “You didn’t pass out at all, did you?”

  “Ben, if I did pass out, we wouldn’t be talking right now because your Audi would be wrapped around a tree.”

  “You’re right. It just makes me nervous with you driving this far basically by yourself. Sorry I’m so unavailable today.”

  “It’s fine, really. You needed to have fun with your friends. I understand.”

  Ben fell asleep once again.

  We drove for a while in silence and eventually stopped to grab a bite to eat in a little service plaza.

  “I’m sorry I’m no fun today and that you have to drive us all the way home,” Ben said while slowly eating a turkey and cheese sandwich, taking big gulps in an effort to keep his food down.

  “It’s fine. I don’t mind,” I replied, thankful for the sandwich traveling down my throat and into my starving belly. “You can sleep more in the car. Seriously, I’m fine.”

  Those were the last words we spoke before we got back in the car and continued our drive in silence. I enjoyed every moment of the peace and quiet.

  As we got closer to Georgia my mind started wandering again and I began to think about John. His voice, as well as the birthmark on his hand, was all too familiar to me and Justin was the closest match that I could think of. Then it hit me - tomorrow would be the anniversary of his death. Tears filled my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. I began to sob and had to pull over because I couldn’t see through the water pouring out of me. Ben stayed asleep as I stopped and put my 4-way lights on.

  “Justin, I miss you so much,” I said out loud.

  I didn’t get a response, but I tried to remember how John sounded in my dreams. His voice was the voice of Justin. I’d bet money on it. How could this be? At least Ben looked like Robert and I resembled Caroline, but John looked nothing like my deceased brother. He acted and talked like him, but was that enough for me to believe John was Justin in another life? Who else from my dreams was with me in my present? I ran through everyone - Rebecca, my Victorian mother, Mrs. Bigsley - none of them seemed to fit with anyone I knew in Sugar Hill.

  Ben began to stir. “How much longer?” he whispered.

  “Probably only about an hour,” I replied as I pulled out onto the highway and continued on to Georgia.

  He fell back asleep and I tried to think about something other than the insanity that was my mind lately.

  I started to plan his one-year anniversary party in my head. I knew his mom had probably already figured out the decor and menu, but I wanted to give Ben something special when we went out to dinner before the surprise. It had to be something meaningful to the two of us. A unique item that was important to just us. Nothing came to mind, but I had a few days to figure it out. I was glad most of his friends could come, but I felt bad about only giving them a week’s notice.

  We arrived at my house about an hour later and Ben gingerly kissed me good-bye on the porch steps before I went inside.

  “When will I see you again?” he asked before getting into his car.

  “How about this weekend at your place? I’ll call you and we can plan it,” I responded.

  He nodded with approval and drove away.

  When I got into the house, Walter was the only one who greeted me, but there was a note on the kitchen table.

  Dani Bear,

>   We decided to head to Virginia a day early.

  See you in a few days. Bill left some lasagna in the refrigerator for you while we’re gone.

  Love ya,

  Mama

  I cuddled up on the couch with Walter and the lasagna and couldn’t wait to fall asleep to my other life awaiting me.

  * * *

  I began to wake from a rocking chair on the front porch of our Cape May home with Grace in my arms. She was a few months older than the newborn baby I held the last time I dreamt about her. Her white lace dress with silk bows and matching booties made her look like a little package waiting to be opened. Rebecca came out of the front door with two glasses of lemonade. The old wooden screen door made a loud bang as it closed behind her. It startled Grace a bit, but not enough to wake her from her nap.

  “She’s beautiful, Caroline. I can’t believe you’re a mother,” Rebecca said.

  “I know. She is the most precious little thing I’ve ever seen,” I replied.

  “She really is. I envy you. I just hope John proposes to me soon so we can get married and have a baby of our own. I feel like an outcast in this town because my younger sister was married off before me.”

  “Oh, don’t feel that way. It’ll be soon. I know it.”

  We sat on the porch together in the matching rocking chairs as Grace rested in a peaceful slumber. It felt like early fall because a cool breeze came from the water and every now and then Grace would turn her head towards the wind so she could breathe in the ocean air.

  “I know Robert can’t wait to hold little Grace in his arms. You two are going to have such a wonderful life together,” said Rebecca as she held Grace’s tiny hand.

  “Hmmm Mmmm,” I replied as my eyes began to tear. I couldn’t say anymore because this was the first time that Robert’s illness was prevalent in the past. My mind began to spin with outrageous thoughts of smallpox, polio, and every other ancient virus known to kill people in the nineteenth century. I wondered what it was, but I couldn’t bring myself to ask Rebecca because she assumed that I knew. The dreams would eventually tell me anyway. I made a note to myself to begin researching diseases of the 1800s when I awoke in present-day Georgia.

  A light rain began to fall minutes later so we returned indoors. Robert was upstairs in our bedroom, resting. This wasn’t good. We were only a year away from his death and no one around me knew it except for me. An image of Robert in the hospital sprang into my mind. I was by his side, holding his hand as the doctor told us he didn’t have much time. We looked into each other’s eyes and immediately, in unison, said, “Grace.”

  It would be hard to come back to this time from now on. I knew how dire Robert’s condition was and the next time I flashed back might be the last time I saw him. No matter how excellent his medical care was, his fate was already forged in stone.

  I felt a somberness I hadn’t experienced before. I was no longer excited to see the people in my dreams; I dreaded what I’d transport to in the next one. I wondered if I would be there to hold his hand as he left the world or if I would miss the dismal scene. I, as Danielle, had experienced great loss before when Justin died. I wasn’t sure I could go through it again.

  Chapter 28

  I awoke the following day on the couch with Walter next to me. Sadness that was like a heavy blanket suffocating my every breath took over as soon as I opened my eyes. I couldn’t be alone today. I called Shannon and we decided to go out on the boat. Brad wasn’t around, but we’d done this before. I tried to call Eric, but he never returned my call, so we left with just the two of us. It made me furious that he wouldn’t call me back on a day like today. He knew what this day meant for me. He was there when it happened, holding me as I sobbed when I heard Justin was killed.

  “How was Ben’s parents’ house?” Shannon asked, quickly making me switch thoughts to something other than the death of my older brother.

  “It was awesome. His father is really nice and his mama is, well, like the most intimidating person I’ve ever met.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know. I guess his dad has some big high-powered government job and she’s never really worked, except for volunteer organizations, so maybe she feels like she has to stand out next to this man everyone knows. The funny thing is, I think more people probably know her than they do him. I’m not sure his dad really cares, but his mama is involved in everything. She’s helping me plan a one-year anniversary party for Ben this weekend to celebrate the opening of his store. Speaking of that, will you help me this week with the decorations?”

  “Definitely, it’ll be fun. As long as I’m invited, though.”

  “Of course you are - you and Brad. I’d invite Eric, but I think he’s leaving for Boston this weekend.”

  “Boston? What are you talking about?” asked Shannon.

  “Oh my God, he didn’t tell you guys?”

  “No.”

  “His grandfather gave him tuition money to go to Northeastern in Boston and he’s leaving this weekend. Oh, and he also told me he’s in love with me.”

  “What the hell? Why didn’t you tell me any of this?” she asked as she spilled her drink from the elaborate hand gestures she was making.

  “I thought you knew. He tells you guys everything.”

  “Well, he didn’t tell us this. When did he say he loves you?”

  “About two weeks ago, he came to my house one night and said he promised Justin he’d take care of me like a sister but he thinks of me as more than that. Then, he told me he got accepted to Northeastern and was leaving.”

  “Shit. Do you think he’s leaving because you’re with Ben now?”

  “Yeah, but I think there’s more to it than that. I don’t think he can stand to be around his parents anymore and he’s not sure what he wants out of life. He thinks by leaving Georgia he’ll find it.”

  “We should throw him a going-away party or something.”

  “I don’t think he’d come, Shannon.”

  “This sucks!” she said.

  “Yeah. Everything’s changing.”

  “I don’t like it. At least you, Brad, and I will be at Gainesville together next year,” she said as she anchored the boat in the middle of the lake.

  “I don’t either, but it’ll be okay,” I replied but I wasn’t so confident in my response because I knew I’d be the odd man out.

  Later that day, I saw I missed a call from Ben. He left a voice message saying he was thinking of me today and would understand if I didn’t call him back if I just wanted to be alone. I never did return his call until the next day, but it wasn’t because I didn’t want to talk to him. Shannon and I were busy getting supplies for Ben’s surprise party and I just forgot. It was good for me to have something to look forward to. Normally, on this day every year, I felt like a turtle who wanted to pull her head into her heartbroken shell and hide.

  There was so much of me that felt like I had caused the accident, since he only went out that night because he and I got into a fight. We were so upset with each other and now I’m not even sure why. I hated that I never got to say I was sorry. I can still hear the sound the policemen’s heavy boots made on the steps as they made their way up to our front door. They didn’t ring the bell. Instead they quietly knocked, thinking it would somehow dull the pain and keep most of us inside asleep. It didn’t work. When I heard Mama and Daddy get out of bed and run down the stairs, I had to see what all of the commotion was about. I sat at the top of the steps listening, and I’ll never forget the words that followed.

  “Mr. and Mrs. Grayson, there’s been an accident,” said the taller of the two policemen. It took everything in me not to rush down the stairs and beat him into oblivion, taking out all of my anger on this poor civil servant who didn’t want to be there any more than we wanted to hear what he had to say. My parents called over our neighbor next door to come and sit with me while they went to the hospital. Justin was already dead, but they needed to identify his body. It made me think of
Grace in my dreams, how no parent should ever have to bury his or her own child, no matter how old.

  I kept busy with Shannon for the entire day. When we weren’t on the boat, we were shopping for Ben’s party. That kept my mind off the Grayson family’s own D-day. Occasionally, I’d catch myself checking my watch in dread, as the hour of Justin’s death got closer.

  I pictured myself and Justin as little kids running around the house playing tag and thought about our birthday parties with piñatas and snow cones. I could vividly remember Justin teaching me to ride my bike and catching me when I would fall.

  When I got home later that night, I pulled out old photo albums from under the television console and flipped through each page. Despite some of our fights, we were best friends. I began to sob, wetting the laminated pages with my tears. To take away a bit of my sorrow, I found an open bottle of Chardonnay in the refrigerator and poured myself a glass, falling asleep before I finished it.

  As Saturday neared, I began to pack up my car with everything I bought for the party. I stuffed streamers and white Christmas lights into giant garbage bags. Others were filled with tulle and linen tablecloths I bought to cover the enormous tables that sat in the middle of his store. I informed his mom earlier in the week that she could find everything in my trunk and I left my keys under the driver’s seat so she could open it, but I had a feeling she’d say she forgot to grab them. I was sure the decorations she brought for the party would be way more than I could afford. A big part of me knew the twinkle lights would never see the inside of Something Old.