As I Close My Eyes

by Sarah DiCello

  I decided to get to work on it in a small café just outside campus. I packed up my laptop and headed out of the dorm. Walking to the café, I thought about all of the romantic moments Ben and I had spent; the day in the candlelit cave, the drive to Cape May, our first time making love - I just hoped he’d wait for me.

  It was dusk and the cobblestone streets of this section of London made me think about the centuries of people who had walked on them before me. My paper was supposed to be on how present art has been influenced by those of the past. I had way more to say than the five pages the assignment required.

  I sipped a warm hot chocolate and made it to page three when I needed to give my hands a break from typing and my mind a break from thinking. I settled back into the chair and looked out at the street in front of me, watching the sophisticated Londoners stroll by. Out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw Eric across the street, standing by a lamp post. No, I decided it couldn’t be. He was in Boston. I quickly dismissed the thought from my mind and continued on with my writing.

  About an hour later, I finished my paper and emailed it to my professor. Then took my hot chocolate and left. I was exhausted. As I crossed the street, I caught my flip-flop on one of the stones and landed headfirst into the middle of the road.

  “Whoa! You okay?” a friendly stranger asked.

  “Yeah.” As I looked up, I realized it was Eric, but he didn’t know it was me yet.

  I packed up my things into my backpack while he had his head down, collecting the books that spilled out.

  “Here you go,” Eric said. As he stood up, he realized it was me.

  “Dani. Seriously. Dani, is that really you?”

  “Hey there, stranger,” I said as I fixed my hair and zipped up my bag.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “I could ask you the same thing.”

  “I’m taking some classes over here,” Eric said pointing to the same campus I was attending.

  “Me, too.”

  “Holy shit! You’re the last person I thought I’d see here.”

  “Ditto,” I replied with a huge smile on my face.

  England was going to be okay after all.

  Chapter 32

  “So, what happened with you and Ben?” Eric asked while biting into an extremely crusty piece of bread surrounding piles of prosciutto and Havarti cheese. Just like every other day since we ran into each other on the streets of London, we were enjoying our lunch under our favorite tree on campus.

  “I don’t know. I woke up during the middle of the night one evening and thought that I needed some time to myself.”

  “Yeah, I can understand that,” he said as he laughed to himself.

  “You didn’t make it long in Boston.”

  “Well, I spent a few weeks there and the distance didn’t feel like it was enough.”

  While we were talking, I noticed something I never saw before. Eric had this attractive quality that made him incredibly appealing. His hair wasn’t so wild anymore and he looked clean with a perfectly shaved face and refined clothes he never would have worn in Georgia.

  “I’m really glad you’re here with me, Eric. It still feels like a dream though.” Saying that last sentence made me feel guilty about having never told Eric about Robert and Caroline. I’d need to explain everything to him soon.

  “Look, Dani. You were it for me in life. You’re adorable, funny, and I can tell you anything, but that ship has sailed. I’ve moved on from you and it’s a really good thing for my own sanity. I’m past the innuendoes and confusion.”

  His stoic statement surprised me. Eric was serious and I didn’t want to misrepresent my feelings for him for fear that I’d really never see or speak to him again.

  “I don’t mean to insinuate anything, Eric. I just like that I have someone here with me in this strange place. Someone I’ve known for practically all of my life. Seeing you now, it doesn’t change how I feel about you. I still look at you as a friend and nothing more. But, being here in England makes me feel like a different person. I’m completely me.”

  He stared at me for a moment then we continued reminiscing about the summer. People playing Frisbee and walking their dogs passed us by, but I only noticed their shadows. I didn’t care who was around. At that moment, it was just Eric and I. Then, in an instant, I floated away to Cape May.

  * * *

  I lay on the living room couch with Grace on top of me, sleeping soundly. I didn’t know if I was in a time before Robert’s death or after. No sound came from the house. It was just Grace and me. She was starting to stir. “Mama,” she whispered.

  “Shhhh,” I replied.

  I got up, holding her on my right hip, and made my way into the kitchen to get her some milk. It was dark. I wasn’t sure what time it was. It didn’t really matter. It was still strange to me not to have the everyday pleasures I had in the present, like clocks and actual lights with knobs that turned them on and off.

  “Caroline,” said a shadowy figure sat in a rocking chair in the library just off the kitchen.

  “Robert, is that you?”

  “Yes my darling. Would you come here and bring Grace?” he asked.

  He looked so feeble, wrapped in a wool blanket with thick slippers on his feet and a body that was almost unrecognizable to me. He must have been twenty pounds lighter and the sight of him made me stumble a bit. If I had been Caroline, this wouldn’t have been as much of a shock. But, as I stood here as Danielle - only visiting this time period I had grown to love - I couldn’t stand the sight of this man so dear to my heart. It wouldn’t be long now before he left us.

  “Sister, here is the tea Robert wanted,” said Rebecca as she emerged from the dark hallway. She too looked tired and had dark circles under her eyes.

  “Thank you. What would I do without you?” I said.

  “Well, you just couldn’t go on, I suppose. You owe me a lemonade,” she said with a smile as she leaned in and gave my cheek a gentle kiss.

  It was at that moment that I finally realized I recognized her, too. Why hadn’t I seen it before? Her hair and eyes looked almost like Shannon’s. It was a stretch, but she definitely could be her in another life, although much kinder. My mind retreated back to the lake when Shannon and I were talking about Ben. I quickly compared their eyes and the tone of their voice. They were an exact match.

  “What did you just say?” I asked her.

  “I said that you couldn’t go on. I was only kidding, of course,” Rebecca replied.

  “No, no. The other thing you said.”

  “You owe me a lemonade?”

  “Yes.” Oh my God. Now there was another person in my present life that had spent time with me in the past.

  “Why are you asking me to repeat myself?” Rebecca asked.

  “No reason. I just didn’t hear you the first time.” I lied, of course, but I had to make her repeat herself so I could hear her say it one more time.

  Robert sat with Grace for a few moments while I stared at them from the couch across the room. I held back tears while I watched him sing to her, rocking in the chair until she fell asleep. Everything and everyone was crashing down around me in both worlds and there was nothing I could do about it.

  * * *

  “Eric,” I said while lying in his lap on the blanket under the tree.

  “Hey there. You scared me. You passed out. Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine,” I replied as I sat up and leaned against the massive trunk of the tree. “I’ve been doing that a lot lately. I’m sorry if I scared you. I’ve had a few doctors check it out, but no one can tell me what’s going on.” I contemplated telling him about the dreams, but I wasn’t ready to yet. We had just repaired our relationship and I wanted to seem as normal as possible for the next few hours.

  “Dani, you're worrying me a bit. I don't think it’s normal to just pass out sitting here.”

  “Well, maybe I'm just tired. I don't know,” I said, still not ready to divulge the real
truth.

  “Dani, there’s something I have to tell you that I should have told you a long time ago.”

  Eric was anxious and started tapping his fingers on the tree trunk and bouncing his knees up and down. “We should make our way back to your dorm room.”

  I agreed, but was anxious to hear what he had to say.

  “Well, tell me already. What is it?” I asked as I packed up our picnic.

  “Um. This is really hard, but I think you should know.”

  “Okay.” I was getting a bit worried now by the sound of his voice.

  “Your father didn’t run away after Justin died.”

  This made me come to a complete stop. “What? That’s not true. Mama said - ”

  He interrupted me. “I know what your mama said. She was trying to protect you, Dani. Your daddy didn’t leave. He killed himself.”

  It took me a moment to speak. “What? No ... No ... that’s wrong. No ... he couldn’t handle it so he left us.”

  “I know. I know he couldn’t handle it. That’s why he killed himself, Danielle.”

  “No. You’re wrong about that. Nope. There’s just no way. My daddy was a man of integrity. Everyone liked him. He couldn’t do that to us.”

  “Dani, listen to me. My mama came over that night to help your mama. That’s when she found him on the bathroom floor. You don’t remember because your mind won’t let you remember and your mama doesn’t have the heart to tell you the truth. But I’m going to tell you the truth because I think you should know. He’s dead, Danielle.”

  “Nope ... no. He’s not dead.”

  At this point, Eric was shaking me and looking around to see if anyone saw us. “Danielle. I know you can do this. Think back to that night. What did you see, Danielle? Tell me what you saw.”

  “I ... don’t know. There was a lot of stuff in the bathroom. Daddy’s stuff. It was all over the counter. His shaving cream, his cologne, his razors. Oh my God. His razors.”

  “Yeah, his razors.”

  This time I didn’t flash back to Cape May. I flashed back to a vision of me standing in the doorway to my parent’s bathroom with speckles of blood on the tile floor. I saw more on the shower curtain in the bathtub, but my vision after that went away because I can see Mama rushing in to find me, whisking me out of the room as fast as she could.

  “How did I forget? He killed himself in the bathtub. Why did he do that? Why did he leave us? Arghh - that infuriates me! He took the easy way out and left us picking up the pieces of our lives.” I collapsed onto the grass and Eric picked me up and carried me back to my dorm room. I didn’t even cry. I couldn’t. I just let the world crush me with realization.

  Thankfully, my roommate wasn’t there so he decided to get under the covers with me and hold me until the sun came up in the morning.

  Chapter 33

  It had been two years and Mama and I had never even talked about Daddy’s death. I imagined her waking up the day after daddy died, pacing the bedroom, wondering if I understood what I saw. I didn’t blame her for not coming to me that morning, but I did blame her for dismissing it and acting like it never happened. I felt like the entire world looked down on me and was saying “Poor Danielle.” I didn’t want a pity party. I wanted someone to tell me the honest truth.

  “Why didn’t you ever say anything, Eric?” I asked, still lying in his arms from the night before.

  “I just felt like it was your mama’s place to talk to you, not mine. I thought after the first year she’d begin to ask you about that night. I waited and waited for you remember it. For that first year, I jumped every time I heard my cell phone ring, thinking you’d be on the other end in complete hysterics. When we were sitting under that tree yesterday, I couldn’t stop staring at you and thinking about whether or not I should go through with it. Then, I just felt like you had to know. Selfishly, it was partly so I wouldn’t carry it with me anymore, either.”

  “No, it’s not your fault. I blame my daddy for everything. I hate him. Mama had just lost her only son and he decided to take his own life, leaving her completely alone with a very distraught daughter to console. It’s awful. I hope I never know what it is to bury my own child. But he had another person to take care of - me. I guess I didn’t matter as much to him as Justin did.”

  “I don’t think that’s it at all. His grief overcame him and he couldn’t take it anymore. I would bet there have been several occasions where your mama was about to talk to you, but just couldn’t bring herself to say it out loud. I mean, imagine how she felt. All of a sudden, she had to raise you by herself. She just lost her son and who was there to take care of her - no one.”

  “Damn! My life is not turning out at all as I had expected. Shannon and I don’t talk; you leave and I think I’m never going to see you again; my own father commits suicide; and Justin is gone. Then there’s Ben. It’s too much. I can’t take it anymore.” I got up and started searching through my closet for something to wear for the day since I had fallen asleep in the same clothes I wore last night.

  “Well, I’m here now and you’re not getting rid of me so easily this time. And Ben’s at home in Georgia thousands of miles from here,” said Eric as he came over and placed the clothes in my hands on the bed so he could give me a proper hug.

  “I’m sorry, but would you mind if I had some time to myself today? I would really love to spend the day with you, but I have so much work to do for this Art History class and I just want to be by myself.” I didn’t think Eric would take it well, but I had to be alone. There was too much on my mind. Too much to contemplate. I stretched the truth a bit about the Art History work because I had already handed in the paper that was due. I just really wanted to take a walk alone to try to sort some things out.

  “It’s fine, Dani. Call me tonight when you have some time. Maybe we can see each other for dinner?”

  “Absolutely.”

  Eric left the dorm room and I grabbed everything in my plastic bathroom container and made my way to the communal showers down the hall. The steam surrounded me like shadows with long fingers as they held me up in the streaming water. I stood for a long time under the spray without shampooing or cleaning anything. I just thought. And thought. When I got back to my room, I was surprised to see that an hour had passed by and I wasn’t even dressed yet. What was I going to do today? Sit under a tree and read a book? Go to my favorite café? I thought about it more and decided I’d just take a walk.

  I walked for miles and then came to Old Pye Street. I could see the store Ben told me to visit in his email. It was as though an external force was pushing me towards the front door. I hadn’t even noticed that I was headed in the direction of the bookstore. I went in and immediately missed Ben. The store was almost identical to Something Old. Three oversized tables sat in the center of a large room with piles of books on each one. Ornate chandeliers hung overhead and floor-to-ceiling bookshelves lined the walls of the interior.

  “Can I help you find something?” asked a gray-haired man, probably in his late fifties.

  A smile struck my face as I realized Ben asked me the very same thing the first time we spoke. “No, I’m just browsing.”

  I spent a bit more time in the store than I did in Ben’s the first time, looking through piles of books I had never heard of. I felt a sense of déjà vu as my hands glided over the ancient books on the shelves. It made me miss Ben.

  I ended up buying a book about Michelangelo and paged through it as I exited. As I flipped through the pages, I realized I wanted to see some ancient art for myself. I decided to go to France where I could see the Mona Lisa and the Venus de Milo up close and personal. It was Saturday, so I left Eric a note on his apartment door and headed to the train station to get a ticket to Paris. I called ahead and already had a room reserved at one of the hostels there. It was only seven American dollars for one night with breakfast in the morning.

  Paris was stunning and very easy to navigate. Even though I didn’t speak a word of French besi
des Bonjour, I could find my way through this city with my eyes closed. Well, maybe not with my eyes closed, but it was much easier than I had imagined. The Venus de Milo didn’t disappoint. It was grand and stood at the end of a long hallway in the Louvre. I could just picture a great artist around 130 BC carving the voluptuous armless figure. There had been some debate as to who actually created her, but there was no doubt in my mind that she was exceptional. The one thing that greatly disappointed me, which I was originally very excited to see, was the Mona Lisa. She sat behind thick glass that protected her delicate smile from the flashes of cameras and hoards of visitors who crowded around her. I couldn’t even get close.

  I wandered the streets, blending in quite well with the locals. In fact, a Canadian exchange student tried to ask me for directions in French as I sat at a small table outside a bistro.

  “Je ne parle pas Français,” I responded as the frantic Canadian searched for someone who could help him.

  I sat alone at the bistro for hours, drinking delicious coffee. I thought about Ben and wondered how he was doing. I missed him greatly and wished he was sharing the moment with me.

  I attempted to order calamari, but instead, was served pasta with clams. It was so sensual it made my mouth orgasm. The hostel was only a block away and I welcomed the sleep from the long day I had of traveling and sightseeing. It felt good to be alone in a place I had never been to before. I felt insignificant in the massive city, but it was exactly what I needed.

  My room overlooked the Eiffel Tower many blocks away and I found myself staring out the window at its magnificence. It was lit up with sparkling white lights and I imagined a couple standing at the top, looking out over the city, held in a close embrace.

  Paris looked equally as stunning at sunrise. The pink and purple sky served as a backdrop over the Eiffel Tower and I couldn’t believe the view from my room. There were two other beds in the same room as me, but no one ever came to rest there. The money was well worth it for a night alone.