A Merry Little Christmas

by Julia Williams

‘You know you love it really,’ said Dan with a grin.

  Smelly Dad, typed Lucy, putting on such a pained expression, they all laughed.

  At moments like this, Pippa knew they’d be all right. Dan would always be by her side, Lucy was a total joy, the boys were a great support. She was going to fight with every fibre of her being to save the respite care package, but whatever else happened, no one could take her family away from her. Not even Claire King.

  Cat stood in the chemist’s irresolute, holding the pregnancy testing kit, checking swiftly that there was no one she knew in there. Hope Christmas was a great place to live, but everyone knew your business before you did.

  Should she buy the kit or not? Surely she couldn’t be pregnant at her age? Her periods had been erratic for months, but she knew the tell-tale signs, that awful taste in her mouth, the completely debilitating exhaustion, the gentle swelling of her tummy. They hadn’t been careful at New Year. It was just possible – if appalling to contemplate. Cat had enjoyed her time as a young mum with babies and toddlers, but she was now enjoying the freedom of having older children. There was no way she wanted to go back to all that.

  After hovering around the counter for ten more minutes, during which time the vacant looking teenager behind the counter (whom luckily she didn’t know) had started to stare quite pointedly at her, Cat bought the kit. She fled home as fast as possible, feeling vaguely guilty and paranoid someone might have seen her. This was ridiculous. A pregnancy scare at her age. Because that’s what it was. A scare. She’d just wasted seven quid because she and Noel had behaved like irresponsible teenagers. She’d laugh about it with him later.

  Getting home, Cat found herself putting off the moment. There was no point rushing to take the test, it could wait. Never the most assiduous of housekeepers, she found herself impelled by the urgent need to tidy Ruby’s bedroom. Two hours later, knee deep in plastic bags of tat, unfathomable amounts of string, pieces of paper and broken toys, Ruby’s room looking better than it had done in months, the floor actually being visible, and the desk under the high sleeper bed being clear, Cat felt she could put the inevitable off no longer.

  She went back downstairs, picked up her handbag and walked straight into the bright modern ensuite she and Noel had had installed when they moved in.

  Best get it over with. No time like the present. Cat had forgotten how ridiculous it felt to pee on a little white stick, or how very long it felt to wait for the result. She sat on the edge of the bath, staring at the blue and white patterned bathroom tiles, realising that not only did they need a damned good clean, but it was about time she got rid of the spider’s webs. Anything to stop herself staring at those two windows. They were both blank every time she peeked anyway. Good. False alarm.

  Cat decided that rather than staring at her filthy tiles, she should really do something about cleaning them. Nearly ten minutes had elapsed since she’d taken the test. Time for one last look …

  Oh God. Oh no … Five minutes later Cat was sitting on the edge of the bath, reeling in shock. She looked again at the blue line in the window. Two blue lines. One immensely strong. She’d only taken the test to prove to herself how immensely stupid she was being. She couldn’t be pregnant. Not at her age. She couldn’t possibly be. She felt sick to the pit of her stomach. Ruby was nearly nine; Mel would be off at university in a couple of years, the others following on fast at her heels. Cat’s career was going really well, and she and Noel were finally beginning to find some time for themselves occasionally. How could she go right back to the beginning again and have a baby? She’d be ancient by the time the baby went off to college, and Noel would be retired. She knew she was being selfish. But a baby – it would ruin everything.

  She turned the test over slowly. But what was the alternative? To get rid of it? Once upon a time, she might have been able to do that, but not now, not after four children, not after seeing the twelve-week scans, and seeing a little person, or hearing the heartbeat, or feeling that silverfish darting movement for the first time. She could no longer kid herself it was a collection of cells, or a blob. To her now, the baby was a future Mel, James, Paige or Ruby. By her calculations she must be at least eight weeks pregnant. By then babies had fingernails. How could she get rid of a blob when it had fingernails? There was no choice.

  Bloody hell. Another baby, at her age. A horrible vile thought came into her head. What if there was a problem with it? She’d been lucky before having four healthy children. But she was older now. What if her luck ran out? Cat thought about her visit to the Sunshine Trust. All those children with their complex needs. Cat didn’t think she could be as calm or capable as Pippa was in the face of that kind of difficulty. She could barely manage her rowdy family now, how would she and Noel cope if their new baby had special needs? What would it do to the family dynamic? Would that be fair?

  Stop! Cat admonished herself. She was letting her imagination run riot. First things first. She was eight weeks pregnant. She needed to tell Noel. She needed to see her GP. And then they would have to take it from there.

  Mel

  FACEBOOK status Birthday. Woooo!!!

  Andy: Happy Birthday, to my legal babe.

  Kaz: Happy Birthday to my bezzie xxx

  Kyra16: Hey Mel, happy birthday Join the legal club!!!!

  Ellie: Happy Birthday to the Melster! You’re hot hot hot!!

  Fi: Happy birthday, babesxxx

  Jen17: Have a great day, Melx

  Jake: Happy Birthday Melanie

  Mel: Oh I am so hot and gorgeous. But not as hot as Andy.

  Mel: Red face. That was my little sis fraping me. Soz.

  Kaz: ha ha

  Andy: What you don’t think I’m hot?

  Mel: Andy BBM ME NOW

  Mel: Thanks for all the birthday wishes everyone! xxx

  Teenage Kicks

  My sixteenth birthday. What a let-down.

  It’s not like I thought it would be at all. Mum and Dad kind of forgot. Well, they got me a present – a laptop since you ask – which would be great but they want me to use it for studying. BORING. And Dad’s put some crappy filter on it which means I can’t use the internet after a certain time. GREAT.

  But today, they were in such a hurry to go to work, they forgot to say happy birthday.

  And they won’t let me have a party in case I trash the place. It wasn’t my fault last year that the Chav Queen found out on FB and came with loads of her mates and got pissed and threw up in the flowerbed.

  I did have loads of birthday wishes on BBM and Facebook which was cool. But Best Mate was the only one who remembered to buy me a present.

  And as for The Boy. I’d kind of hoped for a bit more. He sent me a text saying, Happy Birthday to my legal babe, then VILE Little Sis put something really embarrassing on my BBM status and we had a chat, but that was it.

  Why does he keep doing this to me? Making me feel all churned up and stuff. Is it always going to be like this?

  I was thinking about sleeping with him. I kind of hoped we might do it on my 16th. But he hasn’t contacted me. Mum always said boys are after one thing. I thought the Boy was different. Maybe I was wrong.

  March

  Chapter Seven

  Marianne was whizzing round the house gathering up toys and discarded toddler cups, while the twins had a late morning nap. It wasn’t going to be long before they dropped it altogether, so she was making the most of the time while she could. It always amazed her how much chaos two small children could create in a matter of seconds, and the place would be untidy again as soon as they were up, but she did like to have the occasional point in the day when the lounge was pristine.

  Marianne plumped up the faded cushions on the sofa, and moved it out so she could start hoovering. Although she and Gabe had brightened the lounge with a cheerful makeover when she’d moved in, they’d made a deliberate choice not to get a new sofa or carpet when they found out about the twins. Which was just as well, as Marianne had lost count of the
number of times they’d been sick and spilt drinks over both.

  As she moved the sofa back into position, Marianne glanced once more at the envelope on the mantelpiece, practically burning a hole in it. Addressed to the parents of Steven North, with a postmark from Middleminster, there was no mistaking the letter that could change their lives forever. Marianne was dying to open it, but she and Gabe had promised Steven they would let him do it. She’d been staring at it on and off all morning and the suspense was killing her.

  Marianne yawned. Gabe had gone out early for a sheep which was in labour, and although she’d tried to get back to sleep, Harry and Daisy had had other ideas. The biggest downside to having them, she decided, was lack of sleep. Marianne had forgotten what it felt like to be fully rested. Although most of the time the twins slept through the night now, they both seemed to think getting Mummy up at around five-thirty a.m. was essential. Marianne tried to compensate by going to bed earlier, but she found by the time she’d cleared up, sorted out dinner for her and Gabriel, and had a short relaxing half hour in front of the telly, it always seemed to be midnight, and either she or Gabe had fallen asleep on the sofa. Just as well they’d decided to stop at the twins, as they had no chance of ever conceiving again.

  She heard the first burbling sounds coming from upstairs which indicated that the twins were waking up. She stopped to listen for a moment as Harry gurgled in his cot, and Daisy responded with a giggle. The sounds never failed to brighten her day. Exhausted and frazzled she might be, but the simple chuckling she heard all day from the twins made her exhaustion more than worthwhile.

  Marianne went upstairs to their room to find Harry sitting up, playing with the musical toy attached to his cot, while Daisy was wriggling around in hers, laughing. They’d taken a loan out to convert the attic into a bedroom for Steven, so that later on the twins could have a separate room each, while still enabling them to have a spare room. The nursery was cheerful and fun, with stencils of animals she and Gabe had painted on the wall when she was in the middle of her pregnancy. It had been such a lovely time, the three of them anticipating the birth of the twins. Marianne sighed a little. She felt life had become a bit more complicated since then.

  ‘Come on you two, lunchtime,’ she said. Harry was already trying to climb out of the cot, so she picked him up first and then changed his nappy, by which time Daisy was clamouring to get out. There was certainly never a dull moment with twins.

  She took Harry downstairs first, as he was likely to get more grumpy about being left behind, and leaving him in the playpen, went to get Daisy. She’d just settled them down with a few toys when Gabriel came in from the fields, where he’d been working with Dan, for an early lunch.

  ‘Letter’s here then,’ he said, immediately spotting it on the mantelpiece.

  ‘Yup,’ said Marianne.

  ‘Aren’t you just the tiniest bit curious?’ said Gabriel.

  ‘Of course I am,’ said Marianne, as she helped Daisy rebuild a tower that Harry had knocked down.

  ‘Do you think Steven would mind if …?’

  ‘Don’t even think about it,’ said Marianne. ‘Steven will kill you if you open it before him.’

  ‘You’re right,’ said Gabriel, ‘but I’m dying to know. Aren’t you?’

  ‘Of course I am,’ said Marianne. ‘It’s been driving me nuts all morning. Come on, help me get the twins ready for lunch.’

  ‘We could always steam it open,’ said Gabe, as he lifted Daisy into her highchair.

  ‘We so couldn’t,’ said Marianne, strapping Harry into his.

  ‘Could.’

  ‘Could doesn’t mean we should,’ said Marianne firmly, going to the fridge to get the toddler-friendly chicken stew she’d made the previous day.

  ‘He’ll never know,’ said Gabe.

  ‘He might.’

  ‘Oh go on,’ said Gabe, helping her fill the bowls with stew, ‘you know you’re as desperate to know as I am.’

  Which is how Marianne found herself hurriedly shoving a bit of bread into each of the twins’ hands to keep them going, and turning the kettle on. Gabriel self-consciously held the envelope over the steam, and then carefully opened it.

  ‘Go on then, what does it say?’

  For a moment, Gabriel didn’t say anything, the colour draining from his face. Then he wordlessly handed her the letter.

  ‘Oh no,’ said Marianne. ‘He failed.’

  ‘No,’ said Gabriel. ‘He passed. Steven got in to Middleminster. Now what do we do?’

  Cat and Noel sat in the busy waiting room at their GP’s surgery, feeling faintly ridiculous. The place was full of old people and young women with small children. Cat felt completely out of place. She shouldn’t be here at all.

  ‘Pregnant at my age,’ said Cat. ‘It’s mental.’

  ‘I know it’s not part of the game plan,’ said Noel, reaching out and holding her hand, ‘but I don’t mind. In fact, I’m quite pleased in a way. I kind of miss having little ones around.’

  ‘You are kidding,’ said Cat raising her eyebrows. ‘When they were little, you couldn’t wait for them to grow up.’

  ‘Ah yes,’ said Noel, ‘but that was before Mel did.’

  Cat laughed.

  ‘Oh dear,’ she said. ‘All those books we read about taming toddlers, and little did we realise having teenagers would be even worse.’

  It was true. Cat had fondly imagined when the children were small, that life would improve as they got older, but while physically things had got much easier, she couldn’t claim that parenting had. Cat felt constantly torn by the competing needs of her children. Although Mel’s bad behaviour was her major cause for concern, if she wasn’t worrying about that it was James’ apparent lack of a social life and completely laidback attitude to school, or Paige’s desire to reach adulthood without actually passing through puberty. Ruby at least was relatively straightforward, but at times her relentless upbeat chattering could be utterly exhausting. The thought of adding a baby in the mix was making Cat feel weak at the knees. At least Noel seemed positive about it – just as well one of them was.

  Cat sighed, thinking about Mel again. She was so hard to talk to these days. Maybe it was her own fault, wanting so badly to be close to her daughter; perhaps she pushed Mel too much.

  ‘Do you think I give Mel enough space?’ Cat said to Noel as they sat on the uncomfortable waiting room chairs. Although Noel did get cross when Mel went too far, he seemed to be more tolerant of her than Cat was, and on the rare occasions when Mel did want to talk, she seemed more likely these days to confide in Noel.

  Noel laced his fingers round hers, and kissed her.

  ‘I think,’ he said, ‘you worry too much. Mel is young and rebellious, just like I was. Don’t force her to come to you, let her be, and she’ll do it in her own time.’

  ‘Easier said than done,’ said Cat. She had never been the rebellious type, so Mel baffled her. Although Mel’s social life seemed to have dwindled recently. However, if asked whether anything was wrong, Mel’s replies were monosyllabic and perfunctory. She seemed to have fallen out with Karen, for which Cat wasn’t sorry. As far as she was concerned, Karen was a Bad Influence. The mysterious Andy seemed to have vanished into thin air – presumably the reason for Mel’s moodiness. Cat hoped it was nothing more serious than that, but if Mel didn’t talk to her, what could she do?

  ‘Catherine Tinsall for Dr Stewart,’ the receptionist called over the intercom.

  ‘Here we go,’ said Cat, her stomach in knots. ‘I feel as daft as a teenager.’

  ‘We can’t be the first middle-aged parents she’s seen,’ said Noel squeezing her hand. ‘Come on, let’s get it over with.’

  Feeling as stupid as a teenager, Cat led the way to Dr Stewart’s room.

  ‘I’m almost too embarrassed to tell you why we’re here,’ said Cat, as they sat down.

  ‘It happens,’ said Dr Stewart cheerfully, when Cat revealed her condition, ‘particularly at your age.’
>
  ‘I was just settling in for the menopause,’ said Cat, ‘I’m too old for babies.’

  ‘Nonsense,’ said Dr Stewart. ‘Plenty of women go on to have healthy babies at your age.’

  ‘But the risks …’

  ‘Are higher for things like Downs, granted,’ said Dr Stewart, ‘but on the other hand you’ve had four healthy babies, there’s no reason to think you won’t produce a fifth. I can always arrange for you to have an amnio and other tests, if you like.’

  Cat looked at Noel.

  ‘Doesn’t that increase the risk of miscarriage?’ she asked.

  ‘It can do,’ said Dr Stewart.

  ‘Then, no,’ said Cat, suddenly feeling protective towards the blob for the first time. ‘I think we’ll just take our chances and hope it will be okay.’

  ‘You’re sure you want to go through with this then?’ said Dr Stewart, ‘you still have time to change your mind.’

  Cat swallowed hard; it was what she had thought about constantly, ever since she’d found out about the pregnancy. She’d been scared to mention it to Noel in case he agreed with her.

  ‘Absolutely,’ said Noel, he looked puzzled, as if the answer was obvious. ‘Why wouldn’t we want to have this baby?’

  Cat could have kissed him.

  ‘After all, we have four anyway. One more’s not going to make that much difference. Besides the others are older now, it won’t be the same.’

  ‘Right, in that case, I’ll book you into the system and the midwife should call you very soon.’

  They got up to go, thanking the doctor for her help.

  ‘Noel, did you really mean that?’ Cat asked as they left the surgery.

  ‘Of course I did, you daft mare,’ said Noel.

  ‘Because it did cross my mind we could get rid of it,’ said Cat. ‘I don’t know whether I can cope with a baby right now, or whether it’s fair on the others.’

  ‘Cat,’ said Noel, ‘don’t even go there. We’ll manage, we always do. Besides,’ he added, giving her a hug, ‘I have faith in your Super Mum abilities.’