Sacrifice

by Adriana Locke

  “You do realize that everything I do is to protect her, right?” His tone demands attention. Without thinking, my eyes are drawn back to him. He’s watching me, his face passive, but his eyes on fire. “My life would be a lot easier if I just worked and fucked and drank a little.”

  I glare at him to cover the touch of hurt his words cause. I know we weigh him down and that’s embarrassing, even though I don’t ask him to help us. “Yeah, well, that’s really worked out for you so far.”

  His mouth drops, then clenches. “What I do isn’t for you, Jules. It’s for Gage, for Ever.”

  He may as well have filled my veins with poison because my breath is stolen. I know he’s right but hearing it come from his mouth, that nothing he does is for me, is like ripping open an old wound. Although I’ve tried to convince myself otherwise, he’s never done anything for me. There’s no denying it now.

  “Noted,” I say with as much detachment as I can.

  I turn away from him as Ever grabs my hand. She’s covered in sand and the shimmer in her eye from earlier is gone. “I’m ready to go, Mommy. I’m sleepy.”

  I take her hand and start to the entrance of the park, trying to focus on the next few things I need to do so I don’t think about what Crew has just said. I’ve never mattered to anyone but Gage. I don’t know why I thought that Crew’s assistance might have been to help me, but it clearly isn’t. I don’t know why it makes a difference, but it does.

  “Will you carry me?” Ever walks slowly, her boots full of sand.

  Suddenly, she’s swept up into a pair of gray thermal-covered arms. She nuzzles into Crew’s chest and he kisses the top of her head.

  He looks at me, his brows furrowed. “I didn’t mean that,” he says roughly. He turns without a beat and starts towards my house and doesn’t look back.

  JULIA

  The hum of the copier a few cubicles down is soothing in a weird way. It’s been going non-stop this morning and it drowns out the chatter between the people behind the cubicle walls surrounding me. I like it. My fingers fly over the keys on my computer, my mind blissfully unaware of the distractions that usually drive me a little crazy.

  I work solidly for the first part of the day. When I look back up, it’s lunchtime. I pull out my lunch bag from beneath my desk and retrieve the peanut butter and jelly sandwich, an apple, and a bottle of water.

  “What I do isn’t for you, Jules.”

  Crew’s voice from yesterday barrels through my mind, knocking the wind out of me. It stings as badly today as it did when he said it¸ like a punch below the belt.

  Suddenly, I’m not hungry. I gather my lunch and put it back in my bag. I hear my officemates. They’re discussing their lunch at a fancy restaurant downtown, trying to decide what to have. The merits between the clam chowder and the bacon cheeseburger are weighed with a seriousness that astounds me. When I hear one of the women discuss fitting into her new Dior dress, I remember why I wouldn’t go to lunch with them even if I could afford it.

  I glance down at the brown dress that I wear on an every-other-week rotation and my I-wear-them-with-everything-brown heels. I brush a stray hair out of my eyes, feeling unkempt, even though I know I’m totally presentable.

  I start back to work, but the speaker on my phone buzzes. “Ms. Gentry? I have Calhoun Elementary on the line for you.”

  The line rings. “Hello?”

  “Mrs. Gentry?”

  “Yes.”

  “This is the school nurse. Everleigh was sent to the office not feeling well. She has a slight fever and I think you should come pick her up.”

  I rub my forehead with my fingertips. She seemed to be feeling better this morning. She slept the whole way home from the park last night and then practically through her bath. I was hoping we’d turned a corner when she woke up bright-eyed.

  “I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

  JULIA

  Rain rolls on my windshield and my wipers can barely keep up. I take a quick glance at Everleigh in the backseat. Her little head rests in a seemingly uncomfortable position, fast asleep. Her lips are pursed together like they do when she’s asleep. It reminds me of when she was little and used to take a pacifier. She’d continue to suck long after it had fallen out of her mouth.

  I wish I could take her home and tuck her into bed. I need a cup of coffee and some time to process everything the doctor said.

  My hands tremble as I hold the steering wheel. I flip up the heat, but down deep, I know I’m not shaking because I’m cold.

  I take another quick glance at her before pulling up to the curb beside Olivia’s. I grab the umbrella off the floorboard and get out. The rain pelts the canvas of the shield so loudly that I wonder if there isn’t ice mixed in with it. I reach in and unbuckle Ever and try to zip her coat back up. I maneuver her over my shoulder as best I can and whisk her to the front porch.

  Luckily, Olivia sees us coming through the open curtain and lets us in right away.

  “Get in here. It’s pouring,” she says, holding the door open. I rush past her and close the umbrella, shivering. She takes it from me and helps get Ever’s coat and boots off. “Just lay her on the sofa.”

  I place Ever on the couch and she snuggles into the pillows. Olivia grabs a blanket out of the closet and I tuck it in around her.

  I kiss her forehead and stand back up, looking into the hazel eyes of my neighbor. She wipes a hand through her brown hair and smiles hesitantly at me, clearly concerned.

  “Want a cup of coffee, sweetheart?”

  My stomach recoils, threatening to expel the cereal I had for breakfast, the only thing I’ve eaten today.

  “Not really.”

  She gives me a motherly look and I know I’m going to get a cup anyway. She’s not going to let me out of here without talking. I know she’s worried about what the doctor said because Ever is like a grandchild to Olivia. They bonded on our first day in the neighborhood. She showed up with a basket of cleaning supplies and asked how she could help. I told her we’d be fine. She smiled, talked with Ever a little bit, and then started helping me unpack. She’s been around every day since.

  “I just . . .” My voice trails off as I watch my beautiful daughter sleeping peacefully. I don’t know what to say and I certainly don’t want to voice my deepest fears in front of Everleigh.

  She crooks her finger for me to follow. We enter the kitchen and she pours me a cup of coffee. “I want to know what the doctor said.”

  I try to take a sip, but I can’t get anything past the lump in my throat. My hands shake. Olivia watches me closely before taking the cup and placing it back on the counter.

  “They said they aren’t really sure what’s going on with her. There’s a little lump in her belly, where she’s been complaining about it hurting. They said it could be nothing and that I shouldn’t worry about it just yet, but we have to go back in the morning for some tests.”

  “What are they looking for?”

  “I’m not sure, really. They just said to bring her to the Children’s Hospital tomorrow morning. They named off a slew of things but then said it could be nothing, too.” I sniffle and fight back the fear that’s threatening to take over. “I’m so scared, Olivia. What if they find something? What if something is really wrong with her? What if—”

  She pulls me in for a hug, holding me to her tightly for a long time. The warmth of her arms, the feeling of her caring about us, relieves me just a bit.

  The rain is pounding on the windows and the sky is getting dark. I pull back and look at her crinkled face.

  “I know it’s hard, but try not to make yourself sick over this,” she says, pulling away.

  “I’m trying. But you know how it is . . .” The mere thought of something happening to my little girl is more than I can take. I know they said not to worry and I know it’s probably nothing, but I can’t not worry.

  “I do. When my son was born, they thought something was wrong with him. Scariest time of my life, bar none. B
ut look at him now. He’s a healthy man with a beautiful wife and daughter. Things aren’t always as bad as they seem, Julia.”

  “I hope not. She’s all I have.”

  Olivia gives me a sad smile and instead of making me feel better, I feel worse.

  “How did Ever react?” she asks.

  “She doesn’t really know anything. She knows she’s not feeling good and we’re going to have more tests. She just thinks she has the flu or something, I think. No sense in worrying her.”

  “Smart. I think we just keep her in the dark for as long as possible. I’m still betting it’s nothing. You’ve had your share of grief. Surely you wouldn’t be given something else to fight through. That just wouldn’t be fair.”

  “No kidding,” I sigh. “I need to go get ready. I missed a half a day at the office today and I’ll miss all day tomorrow. I’m going to need these shifts at Ficht’s. I’ll pick her up when I get off.”

  I give Olivia a smile and make my way to the door. I stop by the sofa and press my lips against Everleigh’s forehead. My lips linger against her skin and I say a silent prayer.

  Dear God, I need you to fix this. She’s my baby girl. I’m so scared. Just . . . fix this, please.

  JULIA

  “I shouldn’t have asked Uncle Crew for crayons.” Ever’s voice is a little more than a whisper and I have to bend closer to her to even hear it. Her eyes flutter shut, her hands pressing against the hospital gown that’s way too big for her little frame.

  I brush a lock of hair out of her eyes. “Why’s that, baby girl?”

  She doesn’t answer for a second and I think she’s fallen asleep.

  “Because I should’ve asked for red slippers.”

  “You just got a pair of Tinkerbell house slippers for Christmas.”

  She nods, her head barely moving against the bed. “Yeah, but I need ones like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz. I could click them together and go home.”

  “We’ll be out of here soon. Just try to rest.”

  “Can’t you just pick me up and take me home?” She flutters her lids open. Her eyes are a grayish blue, not the sparkling ones I’m used to seeing. They begin to glisten with unshed tears. It terrifies me. It guts me. I can’t stand to see her cry. “You’re my mommy anyway. They can’t say no. Take me home, please.”

  “We’re just waiting on the doctor to come in and tell us we can go. I’m sorry, baby girl. We can’t leave yet but we will soon.”

  She seems to believe me and closes her eyes again, drifting off to sleep. I watch her for a minute before collapsing back into the stiff vinyl chair. It’s entirely uncomfortable and the springs are starting to make my back ache.

  We’ve been here all day. We arrived before seven this morning. They carted Ever off right away and the poor thing has undergone test after test, including a biopsy that I wasn’t prepared for. A biopsy seems so much . . . scarier . . . than saying test.

  I glance at the wall and it’s almost seven in the evening.

  Twelve long hours.

  It’s too much for me and I was just waiting. I can’t imagine how she feels.

  My leg is bouncing, my hands folding and unfolding on my lap. I need to get back to work, try to pick up some extra shifts at some point this week to make up for being gone so much already. I bury my head in my hands

  I need to walk or talk to someone. I haven’t talked to anyone besides the hospital staff and Mrs. Ficht to tell her I wouldn’t be in for my shift today. But I have no one to call, nowhere to go. Olivia is volunteering at the nursing home and Crew’s the only other person that would be remotely interested in what’s going on. But who knows where he is or what he’s doing.

  I release a sigh and try to settle back into the chair. Just as I find a semi-comfortable spot, the door creaks open.

  A nurse that I haven’t seen before and Dr. Perkins come in. The nurse smiles in a pacifying way. I don’t know whether to believe it to be real or that she feels sorry for me. It seems to say, ‘I’m going to smile really nice so the bomb we drop doesn’t sting quite as bad.’

  “Hi, Julia,” Dr. Perkins says. “This is Macie. She just came on duty.”

  We exchange hellos. She does that smiley thing again and it makes me nervous.

  “I want to talk to you a minute in my office. Macie needs to take Everleigh’s vitals, so she’ll stay with her while we’re gone. Is that all right?”

  An overwhelming sensation, a swell from deep inside my body, rises unexpectedly and I think I’m going to pass out. I don’t know if it’s what he said or the way he said it, but I’m almost certain this won’t be all right at all.

  CREW

  I swallow the last bite of the hamburger I made for dinner. I hate cooking, but years of watching my diet to make weight for wrestling, coupled with the four years at University of Minnesota studying sports nutrition, had a way of creating habits. You can’t eat shit and stay fit.

  It’s been raining and the gray skies are fucking with my head. I feel myself slipping into a depression. I struggle to stay focused on the things ahead of me and the very few things that make me happy.

  I think back to the park with Ever. She ran immediately to the swings, leaving Jules and me behind.

  “Come on, Gage! Let’s do something else. I brought a ball!”

  Gage looked at me, pumping his legs back and forth, going as high as he could. “Nah.”

  “Come on,” I begged, looking around for someone else to play with. Gage would play on the swings all day. They bored me. “I’m going to look for something else to do.”

  “Ya gotta stay here, Crew. We have to stay together.”

  I head into the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror. My body is lean and looks strong. It feels strong. It looks and feels like it’s capable of doing what I’m sure I was born to do—fight.

  I miss wrestling. Fighting is in my blood, wrapped tightly into my DNA. To be told I could never wrestle again was like a bomb being dropped on my life.

  “Crew, if you continue wrestling, if you forgo our warnings, you could very well end up paralyzed. That’s a best case scenario. Your spinal column simply cannot handle another blow like you just sustained. You’re lucky you’re young or you wouldn’t be walking out of here this time.”

  The recovery wasn’t as bad as they said it was going to be. Besides a shooting pain here and there across the top portion of my back, I didn’t feel that injured. Physically, anyway. Mentally, I was devastated. Emotionally, I was destroyed.

  Wrestling had been my life and fighting was my future. A contract with the North American Fighting League, or NAFL, was dangled in front of me and then ripped away after my injury. Wrestling had given me all the hope in the world. It was my Golden Ticket, my way out. It had taken absofuckinglutely everything that mattered to me away, too.

  When I took the job on the docks, the doctors said that I shouldn’t. That loading and lifting would strain my neck and back, but I really didn’t give a fuck. All I knew then was I couldn’t do what I loved. I just needed a paycheck until I checked out. Fuck it.

  Week after week, month after month, I didn’t feel like I was deteriorating. Not once. While that’s a good thing, it’s also a bad one. It makes me wonder, seriously fucking consider, that I could’ve still fought. That the doctors were wrong. That I gave up my dreams for nothing.

  My hand is on the knob to the shower when my phone buzzes in my pocket. I take it out and look at the screen.

  “Hey, Jordyn.”

  “Hi. ”

  “What’s up?”

  “Where are you?”

  “Why?”

  I hear her tap her tongue off the roof of her mouth and I grin. I know that sound.

  “Well, I figured you were getting off work and I happen to be in your neighborhood. I was gonna stop by.”

  “People don’t just stop by. Is that a nice way of saying you need fucked?”

  Jordyn and I have a very friendly relationship. Neither of us are looking for a
nything serious and we both like to fuck. It works. It’s refreshingly uncomplicated.

  “Well, when you put it so eloquently . . .” she says, a door closing in the background. “I’m coming up the walkway now.”

  I end the call and head towards the door. When I open it, she’s standing there, looking at her phone. She glances up at me, smiles and walks in, her fingers still flying across the screen.

  I grab the phone out of her hand before she knows what happens.

  “Hey!” she says, reaching for it. I hold it up where she can’t reach it. The screen says “Elijah.” I laugh, recognizing the guy’s name from the bar. I type out a quick text while she watches, one hand on her hip.

  Elijah—I’m about to get fucked. I’ll message you later.

  “Give me my phone, asshole.” Her voice has a hint of a laugh and I know she’s not really pissed. Not that I give a damn if she is.

  I drop her phone into her purse and toss it unceremoniously to the floor. She looks hot as fuck in a white top that shows off her chest and a pair of black yoga pants.

  I back her against the wall and grab her face in my hands. My body is charged, lit up. This wasn’t the release I thought I was going to get tonight, but it’s sure as fuck better than push-ups. Not to mention, I’m fucking horny as hell. She’s not mine and I don’t want her to be, but knowing that she was messaging another guy when she walked in here gives me something to prove. A reason to up my game, show her what’s up.

  I kiss her roughly, my lips pressing firmly against hers. She grabs the back of my head and works her fingers through my hair. I bite down on her bottom lip, making her half yelp and half moan. The sound goes straight to my cock.

  I put one hand under her ass and lift her. She wraps her legs around my waist and I carry her into the dining area. She moans against my lips, my tongue invading her mouth, taking ownership of it.

  The table still has my breakfast dishes on it. I swipe them off to the other side and sit her on the tabletop. I take a step back and catch my breath.