Sacrifice

by Adriana Locke

  Even though I’m scared to, I appreciate him.

  “Yeah, it does. Will is going to be by in a minute. If you and Ever want to go ahead—”

  “Uncle Crew!” Ever squeals as she bursts through the door, Olivia following close behind. She heads straight for her uncle, just not as quickly as normal. She’s tired, her little body’s been ran through the gamut the last few days.

  Crew picks her up and holds her with one arm. “Heya, monkey. Ready to go home with me?”

  “I am! I’m so happy we are going home with you! I made sure Mommy packed our family painting. Can we hang that at your house?”

  He grins. “It’s your house now, too. You can hang whatever you want.” She cheers and he looks back to me. “You two can head on over. I’ll unpack your car when I get there. Just go on in and make yourself comfortable.”

  I reach for Ever and she climbs into my arms. She’s lighter than she was even a week ago. “We’ll see you soon.”

  I could easily be overwhelmed with this situation emotionally. It’s the start of a new chapter in our lives. I have no idea what the future holds, only that I now officially have became dependent on my brother-in-law. I just try to keep everything in a box in my head. Ever’s cancer in this box. The things I have to do in order to be able to deal with the cancer in this one. Everything else in this one. It’s the only way I can manage. I can’t get caught up in how I feel about everything because I think my emotions cross the entire spectrum. From the anger and devastation of Ever’s diagnosis to the embarrassment of needing Crew in such a blatant way to the exhaustion of dealing with everything, I nearly can’t deal.

  “I guess we will see you soon,” I say to Olivia.

  She wipes a tear from the corner of her eye. “You girls are like my family,” she says, pulling us into a hug. “You call me, Julia, if you need anything. I don’t care what time it is or what you need. You call me.”

  “I will.”

  “She will,” Ever says happily, “because I will need to see you and Rory a lot. I love you.”

  Olivia laughs through a sniffle and pats her hair. “And I love you, little girl.” She looks back to me. “Did you call the school?”

  “Yeah, they’re going to send her schoolwork home and we’ll do it. They’re really nice about everything. As long as she’s where she needs to be by the start of next year, everything should be fine.”

  Blowing out a breath, I look over my shoulder. “See ya at your house then?”

  He nods, a stormy look brewing over his face. I hope he isn’t having second thoughts because I’m absolutely confident that’ll be the final straw.

  CREW

  I watch Julia walk out. Everleigh waves at me over her shoulder. I wave back and her little eyes light up. It pulls at the knot in my stomach.

  I hope this is the right thing. I hope I don’t somehow mess up their lives more by forcing myself in it, because messing shit up is what I do. I can work. I can play cards. I can work on trucks. But I can’t do people.

  Dealing with other people hasn’t worked out well for me in life, hence the reason I keep most people at arm’s length. It’s safer for everyone. Otherwise, I’ll do something careless and hurt them, like I did Ma and Gage. Intentional or not, that’s what happens.

  “Crew, I wanted to say something to you.”

  I jump at the sound of her voice. I’d forgotten Olivia was still there. “Yeah, what’s that?”

  “I didn’t know your brother, obviously, and I don’t know you that well. But I wanted to thank you for taking care of those girls. I know you’ve been watching over her for a while and I know she argues with you about it . . .”

  “Yeah, well . . .” My voice sounds rough and I turn my back to her, pretending to look at the boxes. “Jules was my brother’s wife. I don’t really have a choice.”

  My words are met with silence. I wait for her to say something, but she doesn’t. I turn around to see her leaning against the wall. “You do have a choice. And I can see when you look at her, and at Everleigh, that you care about them. And not just because they were your brother’s wife and daughter.”

  “Those are some pretty big observations,” I say brusquely. I don’t know what the hell her point is, but she can shut the fuck up right about now.

  “I’m sorry.” She pulls the door open, but doesn’t step out. “I’ve heard stories about your brother. I just want to say that your mother must have done things right to raise sons like the two of you. You’re a good man.”

  Let’s hope.

  CREW

  “Knock, knock, motherfucker.”

  I look up and see Will coming through the door. He closes it behind him and then gazes at the pile of boxes stacked up around the room.

  “Is your OCD killing ya yet?” he laughs, knocking the top of one of the boxes with his knuckle.

  I pump out another twenty push-ups and stand. He’s disappeared, but I hear him in the refrigerator milling around.

  “You do realize you’re gonna have to feed them, right?” he shouts from around the corner. He reappears, twisting the top off a beer. “You have, like, no food.”

  “No shit, Sherlock.”

  “I still can’t believe they are gonna live here.”

  “Yeah, about that. You’re gonna have to at least start actually knocking if you drop by.”

  Will sighs dramatically. “This is gonna fucking blow.”

  I head to the kitchen, letting my shoulder bump his as I walk by. I grab a bottle of water and down half of it.

  I hope he’s wrong.

  Last night was a little awkward.

  The sheets from the guest bed are heaped in the middle of the floor. She’s re-making the bed, the room smelling like Lysol.

  “What are you doing?” I ask, leaning against the doorframe.

  “Making the bed.”

  “Those sheets were clean.”

  She smiles sheepishly. “I know. I’m sure. I just . . . I thought maybe Ever would be more comfortable on sheets of ours?”

  “You know, I’m not a dirtball, Jules. Lysol-ing the mattress wasn’t really necessary.”

  “I know. I’m sure. I mean, I know you aren’t dirty.” She forces a nervous a laugh and gathers the sheets. “I’ll put these in the washer.”

  She walks by me and, a few minutes later, I find her washing down the kitchen counters.

  I kept telling myself that it was just because it was their first night here, but I still had a raw feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was like I was some fucking stranger she was forced to live with. She seemed to not trust anything about the situation, my cleanliness or my temperament.

  Our interaction was anything but comfortable. I honestly thought she was expecting me to laugh and tell her I was only kidding about the whole thing. No matter what I did, I couldn’t get her to relax. Even Ever’s enthusiasm about living with me didn’t seem to take her edge off. I know she’s worried about what sort of sign this gives Ever, but I think she’s overreacting.

  It was early when they went to bed in the spare room and I didn’t see them before I left for work this morning. I left Ever a piece of taffy hidden under her coloring book on the table.

  “Where are they now?” Will asks, looking around.

  “I sent them to the grocery store. I told them I’d go, but Julia started telling me what Everleigh liked. It just seemed easier to give her the money and let her buy the shit.”

  “You’re more of a man than me,” he says, shrugging.

  “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

  “You are taking on a whole family, man. That’s a lot of responsibility.” He presses his lips together. “You just gave a chick cash and sent her on her way. That’s—”

  “If you don’t understand this, then just get the fuck out.”

  He holds his hands in front of him. “Relax. I’m just saying that what you’re doing is . . . a good thing. Not something a lot of guys in their twenties are gonna do.”

&nbs
p; I’m ready to tear into him when my phone rings. I cast him a look before heading into the living room. The phone is buzzing on the coffee table.

  “Yeah?” I ask, knowing it’s Jordyn.

  “Hey, Crew. There’s a guy in here looking for you.”

  “Where? The bar?”

  “Yeah. He says he’s from the news station Boston 15 and wants to talk to you about your fight in here last week.”

  “Tell him to fuck off.”

  The line gets grainy and when she comes back on, her voice is quieter. “Crew, I think this is important. He has a suit on in the middle of the fucking bar. This isn’t a suit-wearing establishment.”

  “He’s probably some old fucker that wants to talk about fighting. This Davidson fight has everyone all riled up and my name in the news now over that stupid bar fight has made people yap. I have nothing to say to him, J.”

  “All right,” she sighs and I hang up.

  Hanging my head, I try to not let myself go there, to the place of what might have been. Back to the time when I got calls from scouts and agents, all wanting a piece of the soon-to-be-famous Crew Gentry.

  I thought I’d finally made peace with the way things went for me, tried to look at it like fate. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to be in the NAFL, wasn’t meant to have a huge contract. Normally I can go on about my day and not think about it, but with all the shit happening right now with Davidson and that fucking bar fight, it’s been harder not to. Just thinking back to when those things were discussed, when they seemed like such a reality, makes me so damn bitter I can barely function.

  And I don’t have time for that now.

  I know it’s gonna be hard to ignore for the next few months with Hunter’s next fight in Boston. Shit like our ties, the location, the history makes people want to speculate. I’m not sure what guys like this fucking reporter want me to say. “Yeah, assholes, I know what happened. I know who he is now and I’m keenly fucking aware of what I could’ve been, too. Yup, still workin’ the dock. Fighting in bars. Go fuck yourself.”

  My gaze lands on a box with Ever’s monkey on it. Will’s right. My OCD would normally be going ballistic about the state of the mess of my house. But for some reason, it isn’t. Actually, I kind of like it. And that has me worried more than anything. I noticed it last night after they went to bed. Something about seeing their things laying around made me feel calm, even though I knew they were there because of something tragic. I couldn’t shake it. I went to bed with a gnawing sensation in my gut.

  I growl under my breath as I turn around.

  Will is watching me, arms crossed in front of him. “Sometimes I don’t even know if I know you.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “I was kidding. What’s going on with you, man?”

  I look at him blankly. I don’t know where he’s going with this, but he better get there fast. I walk over to the couch and sit down.

  “This,” he says, motioning to the room, “none of this bothers you?” He smirks and walks across the room. He steps exaggeratedly over two boxes and plops in his chair.

  “Not really.”

  “Huh. That’s strange. The Crew I know got pissed at me one time for leaving a fucking shoe in the middle of the room.”

  I close my eyes for a minute and consider my next words. Maybe I shouldn’t project them into the room, and maybe I should never say them out loud. But I do.

  “I kind of like it, actually.” I open my eyes and look at him. Guilt overcomes me and I know I should’ve kept my mouth shut.

  Fucker smirks harder.

  “I shouldn’t for so many motherfucking reasons. I know that and I know I’m going to hell.”

  “Man, you were going to hell way before you just said that!”

  I shake my head, knowing he’s right. But still . . .

  “You’re doing the right thing. You don’t think if Gage was here, he’d make you do this?”

  “If Gage was fucking here, I wouldn’t have to do this.”

  “Not the fucking point,” he says, leaning towards me. “You don’t have to do this now.”

  I glare at him, but it only encourages him for some reason.

  “Gage would expect you to take care of them. Hell, I’m kinda thinking if I didn’t support this decision, your brother might throw a lightning bolt at me. That’s how sure of this I am.”

  “Not the fucking point,” I say, giving his words back to him. “I shouldn’t like this. They aren’t my family. She’s not my wife, Ever’s not my kid. They’re my brother’s family.” I put my head in my hands. “Julia was right. This was a bad idea. There’s just too much history between us. All of this makes my brain start thinking about things that could’ve . . . I just . . . damn it!”

  Silence surrounds us. The more I talk, the guiltier I feel. Yet, having it off my chest and into the universe seems to lessen the burden in some strange way. But it’s still wrong. Even Will in all his douchebag glory probably sees how wrong this is.

  “Gage loved them,” he says, slicing through the silence. “They were the world to him.”

  I look up and open my mouth but he cuts me off.

  “Let’s say you have a puppy,” Will starts, the trademark smirk on his face. “And you love this puppy more than anything. It’s the best puppy in the world. It’s been your puppy from the time you were a little boy.”

  “Then it would be a dog. I don’t see the point in your little analogy here.”

  “Shut the hell up and listen. Let’s say you were going on a vacation or dying or something. Would you leave that puppy to me?”

  “No.”

  “Exactly. Because I’d forget to feed the motherfucker and it’d die. Right?”

  I laugh, starting to feel exasperated.

  “Right?” he asks again.

  “Right.”

  “Okay. So let’s think of Jules and Ever as Gage’s puppies. He’d want someone to take care of them and feed and water them.”

  I nod cautiously.

  “But he’d also want someone to love them—”

  “Thin ice, Will,” I interrupt, my heartbeat picking up. I don’t need connections made that aren’t already linked.

  I need him to shut the fuck up.

  Will rolls his eyes. “Interrupt me all you want, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m right. Gage wouldn’t want them to scrape along and be miserable. He’d want them to be happy and smile and be safe and loved, man.”

  “But it shouldn’t be by me. The fact that you are even saying this is a million ways of fucked up.”

  “I’m saying what’s written all over your face. I’m saying what I’ve known since you pussed out and went back to college and left her to fall in love with your brother.”

  “Will . . .” I warn, but I can see in his face that he’s going to press the issue. His usual happy-go-lucky persona doesn’t leave room to talk about shit that matters, but I can see that side of him isn’t present tonight. I have the Will that thinks he knows things he doesn’t. I have the “I-invented-the-Internet” Will Gentry.

  “Just listen to me. I don’t know why you left her behind. I don’t know why she hooked up with Gage and I don’t know why that was fine with you. And honestly, I don’t give two fucks. It matters not to me. But things have changed and I didn’t just walk in the front door and meet you today.”

  I bury my head in my hands, the conversation starting to make me sick.

  “Gage trusted you,” Will says, his voice without the edge from earlier. “You two had each other’s backs from day one. Don’t you think he’d want you to have it now?”

  “I do!” I say, my voice rising with frustration. “I’m doing everything I can to take care of his family! I’ve moved his wife and kid in with me! What more can I fucking do?”

  Will watches me, his eyes narrowed. “Do you think when Gage married Jules the fact that you dated her first was wiped from his brain? Because I assure you it wasn’t. I fucking guarantee you it w
asn’t, man. He knew you loved her.”

  “I still don’t see your fucking point and you better make it crystal clear quick.”

  “He trusted you, Crew. Only fucking you. And I think if he could pick anyone in the world to take care of her, make her happy, it’d be you. So you feeling guilty and having a conscious for the first time in your damn life is kinda dumb. If you’re going to become some philosophical badass, pick another topic because this one’s stupid.”

  I burst up and take a deep breath.

  “I don’t want to talk about this. This isn’t what I was saying.” I don’t look at him. What he’s just spewed is blasphemy. It’s fucking craziness and I don’t even want to think about it. I don’t want to consider it. It’s not the way things are fucking done.

  The phone rings, cutting through the tension. I see it’s Julia and I grab it off the table, grateful for the interruption. “Hey.”

  “Crew,” she says, her voice choking back tears.

  “Jules? What’s wrong?” The hairs on the back of my neck stand. “Where are you?”

  “We are on our way home. I just got a call from Dr. Perkins’ office.” She pauses and I hear a slight gasp. “The therapy has been denied.”

  “What?” I shout.

  “Yeah,” she says, her voice trembling. “I shouldn’t have called you, but I just . . .”

  “Why?”

  “Insurance denied it. Said that the medicine would be covered, but all the other things would not.” Her voice wobbles and I know she’s trying hard to control it. “So they denied us unless I can get fifty thousand dollars.”

  Adrenaline surges through my veins, the top of my head feeling light as the energy courses through my body. Motherfucker!

  “I’ll be back in a few minutes. I just . . .”

  “We’ll figure it out,” I say through gritted teeth. “We’ll figure this out.”

  “We can’t come up with that kind of money, Crew. We can’t get a loan, we can’t pawn or borrow that kind of money.” Her voice cracks again and the sound resonates in my chest. I hear Ever in the background, singing, and I can’t handle it.