Sacrifice

by Adriana Locke

  “You all right?” I ask, watching him move his right shoulder around.

  “Yeah. Just a little sore, that’s all.”

  My hands itch to touch his skin and a thread of guilt starts to spool in my stomach. I’m pushed and pulled, guilty for feeling and needing to feel . . . human again. A feeling of something other than sadness, responsibility, helplessness. For just a moment, I want to be a twenty-something girl without all the baggage I tote everywhere. I feel guilty for that, too.

  I pull my gaze away.

  “You okay?” he asks softly.

  I laugh shakily because the hell if I know. Even if I am okay this second, the way my life goes, I may not be in the next. My life is a series of unpredictable events aimed at wearing me down.

  “What does it matter?” I ask, more to myself than him.

  He tips my chin gently so I’m looking straight at him. “It matters. It always matters to me.”

  “When did you start being so nice anyway?” My heart pounds, sending red-hot blood bursting through my veins. His fingertip sears my chin, yet when he lets his hand fall, I crave its return.

  I am immobilized by the weight of his stare, held in place by his gaze. I can’t look away. I don’t want to look away, although I know I should.

  “When you let me.”

  I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear.

  “You’re the strongest person I know,” he says simply. “You just take everything thrown at you and keep on going.”

  I laugh at the ridiculousness of what he’s saying. “Yeah. I’m strong all right.”

  “You are, Jules. The strongest people aren’t the ones that walk around, flexing their shit. The strongest people are the ones that fight the battles no one sees. You amaze me.”

  “What I do is survive. There’s nothing amazing about it.”

  “You sell yourself short.”

  We sit in a comfortable silence. He’s dazed off, his focus on something far away. “Do you remember the day we met?”

  “Um . . .” Whatever I expected him to say, this wasn’t it. “Yeah. Of course. Why?”

  “We saw you and your friends walking around that morning. I think it was actually Gage that saw you first. He wanted to go talk to you, but I sort of nipped that in the bud. I said, ‘See the one in the black swim suit? She’s mine.’”

  My mouth falls open. I had no idea.

  “I wanted you from the minute I saw you. I needed you to be my girl. And by some fucking miracle, I got ya.”

  I can’t help the smile that spreads across my face as I allow myself to remember the good times we had together. How protective he was of me. How intimidating he was to other people, but to me, he was softer. Considerate. At least until he left.

  “Do you wonder what things would’ve been like if Gage would’ve gotten to you first? If we never would’ve been together?”

  The way he says it makes my heart clench, makes my lungs struggle for air. I have thought about it, many times in fact. But for some reason now, today, lately, I don’t want to. I don’t want to have not had those moments with him. Those moments made me a part of who I am. Maybe it didn’t end well, maybe it wasn’t supposed to be between us forever, I don’t know, but I wouldn’t give those moments up for anything.

  “You ended up with him anyway, so in a sense, it wouldn’t make any damn difference.” He smiles softly. “But those years we spent together, Jules, they’re the only good part of my entire fucking life.”

  The honesty in his face, the way he looks at me, leaves me breathless. All the sides I’ve seen of him over my life, this is not one I’ve seen many. Maybe ever, really.

  “I don’t know what to say.”

  “You don’t have to say anything.” He fumbles with the drawstring to his pants, winding it around his finger. “There are days lately that I wake up and can’t believe I’m in this position. My whole life seems like it’s been flipped around so many times, given to me on a platter, or ripped out from under me. I just go through my life and wait for the next fight.”

  His eyes are the bluest I’ve ever seen, crystal clear. “It’s taken Ever to get sick for me to realize the truth behind what my ma said to me. I’ve fought for so much dumb shit, Jules. But I’ve never fought for anything that I’ve really wanted. My priorities have been all over the fucking place, but never where they should’ve been.”

  “Look at what you’re doing for us now. Now you’re selling yourself short.”

  “Nah, I’m just being honest,” he laughs.

  “Do you remember the letter I told you about? That I found from Gage?”

  He nods slowly.

  “In that letter, he told me that if there was one person in the world that could help me, that would help me, if anything happened to him . . . it was you. He told me to trust you, Crew. That you never failed him when he needed you and that you wouldn’t fail me either.”

  “Is that why you’re letting me help you now? Because Gage said it was okay?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I know things between us are complicated as fuck. I get that. But I need to know something, Jules.” He twists around, facing me. His features are blank, braced, and I’m terrified for what he’s about to say.

  “What am I to you?”

  “What is that supposed to mean?”

  “You know what I mean. Am I the brother of your husband, the guy he told you to let take care of you? Or am I something else to you, too?”

  “Crew . . .”

  “It won’t change anything,” he says assuredly. “Because the way I feel won’t change. The way I felt has never changed. But I gotta know. I gotta know, Jules.”

  I look to the floor, my hands shaking on my lap.

  “I’m just going to lay this out there,” he says, his voice rough. “You’re a hell of a lot more to me than my brother’s wife. When I look at you, I have to fight the way I’ve always felt about you. I have to remind myself that we aren’t kids and you aren’t mine. That I let you go.”

  “What I’m doing now for you,” he continues, his voice strained, “is because we’re family. But it’s also because I love you. And Everleigh. And I wouldn’t be having this conversation with you if Gage was here because you were his and I halfway don’t feel right even saying this now. But shit’s about to get fucking real with what I’ve got going on. I need to focus to make it happen and maybe a little reassurance, I don’t know, that things . . .”

  He jumps to his feet and starts to head to the front door.

  “Crew!” I call out, my voice trembling. He stops mid-step and turns to look at me. “I don’t know how we got here. The past few years are so convoluted,” I say, trying to find the right words but knowing I’ll come up short. “I’ve pushed you away. I’ve downright been awful to you. Things between us have changed so many times and here we are . . .”

  He faces me head on, his eyes pleading with me to continue.

  “I keep thinking, ‘What if,’ but it doesn’t matter. What I’ve learned over the past years is that today is all you have. And that’s been reinforced these past few weeks. This moment is all that’s promised to any of us and you can’t live in the past . . .”

  He takes the distance between us in just a couple of steps. He kneels in front of me so we are face-to-face. “What am I to you?” he asks again, his voice soft.

  “You . . .”

  “What am I to you?”

  “You’re the first boy I ever loved,” I whisper, a nervous laugh to my voice.

  “What about now?”

  I know what he is to me. I’ve buried it, ignored it, fought it, and pretended like it didn’t exist. Maybe it didn’t for a time in my life, but that was then.

  And this . . . this beautiful man in front of me, this man I may have pegged wrong for so many years out of fear or frustration, I’m not sure . . . is my now. I don’t understand it, I don’t know how or if it’ll work out, I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do. But what I do know is
that I do, in fact, love him. I’m not sure what that means or how he’ll respond or if it even matters, but if I’m being honest, I do. And he deserves to know that. I deserve to know that.

  “You’re the first boy I ever loved,” I breathe. “And the man I love now—”

  I don’t get to finish the sentence before his lips are on mine. It is a mixture of tenderness and ferocity that leaves me breathless.

  CREW

  I regret a lot of the things I’ve done, but I’m one hundred percent sure I’ll never regret this.

  Her lips are soft against mine, sweeter than I even remembered. She tenses for a split second and then relaxes into me, wrapping her arms around my neck. Her lips move with mine and it’s pure fucking heaven. I don’t want to break the kiss, but I do. I have to.

  I rest my forehead against hers, listening to her ragged breaths. I’m sure mine sound the same, but I can’t hear it because I’m concentrating on remembering everything about this moment. Her sounds, her smell, the feel of her in my arms. My body trembles with excitement. I have to talk myself down from just letting myself go and losing myself in the moment with her.

  When I pull back, I have no idea what she’s gonna say. I know she wasn’t expecting that, but she said she loves me. Whether that was a mistake or not, the kiss we just shared wasn’t.

  With more apprehension than I’ve felt in my life, I rock back onto my heels and peer up at her. I study her face, looking for any sign that I’ve pushed her too far. I’ll apologize if I did, but I won’t really be sorry. How could I?

  Her eyes are wide, her gorgeous lips parted. I run my thumb against them, stroking her bottom lip. She presses them together and against the pad of my finger and I let it linger for a moment longer than I anticipated.

  She returns the grin on my face, her cheeks turning pink.

  “Even if you’re pissed about that, it was worth it.”

  She turns another shade of pink and grabs my face in her hands. Her touch lights up every cell in my body, warmth flooding through me like wildfire. She bends forward and kisses me, her lips moving with mine like they’d been there a million times before. Like they belong there.

  Jules pulls back and I can see the same feeling running through me alive in her eyes. It’s the first time in years I’ve seen the gold flecks sparkle in the dark irises. “Crew . . .” she whispers, her voice needy. “I . . .”

  “I’m giving you a choice, Jules,” I say, my voice wavering a little as I try to stay composed. “If this goes any further, then that’s it . . . you’re mine.”

  “Okay,” she whispers.

  “Be sure about this. I’m going to think about you every minute of every day. I will be jealous over everything you do. There will be no turning back.”

  “No turning back.” She wraps her arms around me again, her mouth finding mine.

  I stiffen for a split second in a moment of shock. This woman is all I’ve ever wanted. This woman is the bane of my existence and the reason I live, all wrapped in one beautiful package. Not having her is the reason I’ve wanted to die, yet it was a choice I made because I loved her so damn much. To have her back in my arms was something I never dreamed would actually happen, something that I never thought should happen. But things change and here we are.

  I stand and pick her up with me, her legs finding my waist and wrapping around it. Our kiss never breaks. Each moment that passes, the energy between us grows. I can feel her fingers begin to grip my shoulders, her lips moving more frantically against mine.

  This isn’t gonna happen like this. No fucking way.

  I head down the hallway and kick open the door. I lay her gently on my bed and she falls back against the white comforter. Her dark hair is splayed against the light sheets, her white t-shirt raised up, showing the bottom of her stomach. I can’t take my eyes of her.

  “Crew?” she asks, her voice trembling.

  “Come here, love.” I motion for her to sit up as I kneel at the side of the bed. She bends forward, our eye contact never breaking. My lips find hers, my arms trembling with anticipation as I grab the side of the bed on either side of her.

  This is what I’ve wanted my entire life. Her, in my bed, in my home.

  Mine.

  I lay a trail of kisses across her cheek and down her neck. Her skin is soft, her scent overtaking all of my senses. I almost feel high.

  Her chest moves unevenly with ragged breaths, her heartbeat pounding against my fingertips as they trail down her skin and to the hem of her shirt. I drag it quickly over her head and toss it off to the side.

  My own breathing is shaky as I take in the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen sitting on the edge of my bed. Her skin is creamy against the dark lace covering her breasts. Her skin is hot to the touch as I press her chest against mine and wrap my arms around her back. I unfasten her bra and toss it away.

  I cup her breasts, bigger, rounder, more perfect than I remember. She exhales at the contact, a soft moan escaping her swollen lips. The sound goes straight to my cock.

  I slide my sweatpants down my legs. I kick them out of the way, blood pounding over my eardrums.

  She lays back and begins to work her sweatpants down. Her hands are shaking when I brush them out of the way. My eyes on hers, I drag her pants slowly over her hips and off her body, and discard them onto the floor.

  Just looking at her, I’m ready to fucking explode. My body shivers at the sight of the only girl I’ve ever loved lying naked in front of me.

  The air is thick, sex lingering in the air, the sound of our breathing heavy.

  I kneel again in front of her and her panting increases. I position myself between her legs and lick, with one lazy movement, through her pussy. As my tongue lands on her clit, a muffled moan hits my ears. The taste of her is sweeter than I even remembered and I lick through her one more time, not able to get enough.

  Her hand runs over my head, her fingertips scratching against my scalp as her legs shake under me. I raise her thighs over my arms and work my mouth against her opening. She moans, tilting her pelvis up to allow me more access. I suck her swollen bud into my mouth, her pleasure obvious as her voice breaks through the silence.

  “Crew!” she moans, her fingernails digging into my back.

  I lick harder, using my tongue to stroke firm circles around her clit. She tastes so fucking good that it’s hard not to come from this alone.

  “I’m going to come if you don’t stop.” Her voice is broken with gasps, her tone heavy with lust.

  Not wanting to end this yet, I drag my tongue up her belly. She shivers as I make my way up her body, pausing at her breasts. I work her nipples in my mouth, rolling them around my tongue. Her back arches, her eyes flutter closed, as she exhales my name.

  I kiss her for every kiss we’ve missed. I kiss her to remind her that I am not going anywhere. I kiss her to let her know I love her and that she’s inarguably my girl.

  I roll my body onto hers and brush my cock against her opening. She’s so wet that I stifle a moan of my own. I want to bury myself in her and find myself again.

  “I love you,” I whisper into her mouth. I kiss her once more and then pull back and look into her beautiful brown eyes. “I’ve never stopped loving you and I’ve dreamed of this for so damn long.”

  Her hands find the small of my back and press gently. “I love you, Crew.”

  “Oh, Jules,” I whisper, kissing her again. I wrap my arm under her and hold her in place. My cock is throbbing against her opening. I press firmly, her wetness allowing me to enter her tight little body. She stretches as I fill her and moans into my mouth. Her eyes fly open and I feel her muscles contracting around my length.

  “Crew,” she tries to yell, but I capture her words with my tongue. I want every part of me inside every part of her. I want to own every part of her, mark every part of her body as mine.

  Her body pulses around my cock, tighter than anything I’ve ever felt. Her body feels like it was made just for me. “Loo
k at me, Jules.”

  I pull nearly out and push back in with one swift movement, her eyes fluttering shut before opening, her gaze holding mine.

  Her fingernails find my skin, digging into it, sending waves of lust through my body. She moans in pleasure, her legs now wrapped around my waist. I continue to stroke her, lapping up the pure fucking bliss of feeling her come apart around me so quickly. I love making her feel like this.

  “I love you,” she pants, the riot in her body seeming to calm a bit.

  “I love you, too.” I pick up speed, feeling the aftershocks of her orgasm, and find a rhythm that promises to push me over the edge. She squeezes herself around me again, tightening her pussy. I have no control. Not when I’m buried inside the girl of my dreams, her perfect tits pressed against my chest, her mouth making love to mine, my hands wrapped in her silky hair.

  I am no match for her. I’ve waited too long for this.

  I press again and bury myself against the back of her body. I empty myself into her, feeling her entire body pulsing around me.

  If there is such a thing as heaven, this is it.

  JULIA

  I can sense light. I can feel the warmth on my face, but I can’t open my eyes.

  Rolling onto my side, my hand drops to the sheets. They’re softer than I remember. Something’s not making sense.

  I drag my eyes open just as the door opens. Crew walks in, a green towel wrapped around his face, water droplets speckling his chiseled body.

  I pull the covers over my body, which is still naked. He smirks, knowing good and well I’m uncomfortable.

  “How are ya, Sleeping Beauty?” he asks, standing at the foot of the bed, his hands on his trim hips. He hasn’t shaved and the dusting of stubble across his face only makes him that much sexier.

  I stretch, my muscles complaining. My body is worn out from the previous night’s exertion.

  I forgot what it’s like to be with Crew.

  My body is a wreck, but my mind is strangely clear. And calm.

  “You slept straight through the night,” he says, turning his back towards me and rifling through a dresser drawer. He pulls out a pair of black gym shorts and a gray t-shirt and lays them on the bed. “I think I used up the last bit of energy you had last night.”