I tighten the sheets around me. I wait for the feelings of guilt or disgust to sweep through me, but they don’t come. I don’t feel dirty or impulsive or careless lying in Crew’s bed.
It feels right.
And that in itself makes me question my sanity.
“What time is it?” I ask, trying to give myself a minute to figure this out.
“A little after eight. I gotta, uh, head to work in a little bit.”
“Ever should be back around ten. I better get up and get a shower,” I say, watching him pull his shirt on over his body. It’s a sight to behold. “You’re wearing that to work? Gym shorts and a t-shirt?”
“Yeah.” He sits on the edge of the bed and puts on his socks and sneakers.
“What are you doing, exactly?”
He doesn’t say anything. A feeling of unease creeps through my spine. “Crew?”
His shoulders shrug before he stands and faces the bed. “I’m fighting.”
He says it like it’s the most natural thing in the world. Like he’s informing me he’s going to the gas station or the grocery store.
“You’re what?” I ask in disbelief. “Crew? What are you doing?”
“I’m fighting. I told you.”
It all starts to make sense. I thought he was kidding when he mentioned it before. What man in their right mind would fight once they’ve been hurt and warned of the possible ramifications for doing it again? But the bruises, the workout clothes, the late nights . . . it all makes sense.
“Crew, you can’t.”
“I have to, Jules. I have a fight lined up and I’ll make the money we need.”
“What are you talking about?”
He sighs. “I got a fight with Hunter Davidson. I fight on July 13th. If I win, I’ll get $100,000. For Ever.”
I can’t believe what he’s saying. He’s not joking.
The room starts spinning. I squeeze my temples and try to separate this mess in my mind.
“You can’t,” I breathe out. “What if something goes wrong? What if you get hurt? What if . . .” I can’t say it. I can’t say the ultimate possibility. I can’t even fathom losing him now.
“What if I don’t?”
“Then we’ll figure it out!” I cry. My hands shake and I lay them on my lap. My thoughts start to separate, boil down to the basics, and I realize the fundamental problem with this whole thing. Is it selfish? Probably. But still.
“I can’t lose you, too,” I whisper, tears filling my eyes.
“Hey,” he says, walking over to the side of the bed. He sits on the edge and kisses me gently. “What did I tell you last night?”
I can’t speak, so he answers himself. “That I’ll never walk away from you again.”
“But—”
“No buts, Jules. I’m going to be fine. This is the first time in my life that I’m fighting for something real, for something that matters. I’m doing this.”
“What if something happens to you?”
“I’m never leaving you.”
I don’t trust him and not because it’s him this time. But because I’ve heard that before and been left even though they didn’t want to leave me. Sometimes it isn’t your choice, sometimes fate has different plans. And Crew fighting seems to be taunting fate and its devilish ways. How would I make it? How would Ever take it?
Ever . . .
“Crew, about last night . . .” My throat starts to burn. I don’t know how to navigate whatever this is between us now. When he said he won’t walk away, I’m not sure what that means. I’m also not sure what’s best for Ever right now.
“Last night was the best night I’ve ever had,” he says simply.
His reply makes me grin.
“Why do I get the feeling I’m not gonna like where your head is at today?”
I shrug, tugging the blanket back up around me again. “I don’t know what all, if anything, this changes between us.”
“It changes everything,” he says matter-of-factly.
“How?”
“What do you mean, ‘How?’”
“I don’t know how to do this, whatever this even is. I don’t want Ever confused, I don’t want her having to deal with anything else in her little life.”
“Let’s get a couple of things straight. This,” he says, motioning between us, “is you and me together. It’s you and me tackling this fucking world as a team. This,” he says, pointing at himself, “is me not giving two fucks what you say about it. I gave you the option to stop last night and you didn’t take it. Now you deal with me.”
His lips part into a small grin, but I know he’s not joking. I’m semi-relieved that he’s not.
“I can see how you want things to move slowly for Everleigh and that’s fine. I get it. She’s dealing with enough changes right now.”
“But just so you know,” he says, leaning in and kissing me again before standing up, “you and I aren’t up for negotiation. You’ll have to make it work.” He winks before heading to the door. “I’ll be back this afternoon sometime. You gonna be okay?”
“I don’t like you fighting, Crew. I really don’t like this. I want to know exactly what’s going on. I want the details. I want to know everything.”
“Later,” he says, turning the handle. “It’s really nothing for you to worry about.”
“How can you say that?”
He shrugs. “I just did.”
CREW
My sweat streaks the canvas of the ring. My opponent, Victor, is sitting across from me, catching his breath, too. We’ve been training for hours and the one thing I’ve found out is this: my cardio isn’t what I thought it was. I forgot how long five minutes can feel.
Victor groans as he stands and slips between the ropes. He disappears into the locker room. He’s young, mid-twenties. His forte is striking and he’s damn good at it. I’m sure he thought what every striker thinks when they told him he was going in with a wrestler. Regardless, he left the ring having taken more blows than me.
My entire body aches. Sal’s game plan for this fight is quick and hard—there’s no time to baby my body into peak performance. I gotta get it as good as I can in just a quarter of the time it normally takes to prepare for a fight. It’s not much, but all I got to work with.
Sal comes up beside me and rests his hands on the top rope. “Not bad today, kid. Your body still has muscle memory, thank God.”
“As many years as I did this, it better.”
“I need ya to head to the camp tomorrow.”
I dip my head. Camp is an hour outside of the city, an acre of country that the gym owns. Most training-style camps are held there exclusively. There’s even a small dormitory set up so you don’t even have to leave. It’s the perfect place to get in shape. No phones, trails to run, wood to chop, bales of hay to toss. Sal is very old school with his methods, but they work.
“Be there around noon. We’ll be there ‘til dark at least.” He shakes his head. “I wish we had more time.”
“Me fucking too.”
“Well, you’re the idiot that took this fight.”
My head whips around to face him. “Say what?”
“I have no idea what you’re thinking, Gentry. That shoulder of yours is shit. You know it and I know it. This is a suicide mission and I have to wonder if I’ve not lost my fucking marbles helping you do it.”
I scramble to my feet. “Look, you took this on just like I did.” I glare at him, asking him to challenge me.
“So you’re gonna risk everything? What if something happens to you out there, Gentry? Huh? What then? Have you thought about that?”
“Yeah, I have.”
“And you’re gonna risk it all?”
“I’ll sacrifice everything I am. I’ll do whatever it takes for them.” My body shakes with anger. “Now you can shut the fuck up and help me or not. Just let me know because I’m not gonna spend the next couple of months worrying about it.”
He places one hand on my shoulde
r. “All right, kid. We won’t discuss it again.”
“Good.”
“Just promise me one thing.”
“What’s that?”
“You’ll stay focused. Eyes on the prize. Keep your head clear.”
“I will.”
“No, I mean it, Crew. No distractions.”
CREW
I pull the shirt over my head and glance down at my bed. The pillows are in place, the bed made. I smile, knowing a few hours before, I had Julia right there. I breathe in deeply, trying to catch a trace of her scent. It’s a unique smell, her body mixed with the vanilla body lotion she wears. It creates an overwhelming sensation of lust, mixed with something I only know as love, and I gotta get the hell out of here or I’ll spend all day here thinking back to last night.
Making my way down the hall and into the kitchen, I stop in the doorway and watch her. She’s on her tiptoes, reaching for something in the top of the cabinet. She’s too cute as she struggles to grasp the box just beyond her reach.
“Want me to get that?” I walk up behind her so that my chest is touching her back. I rise up slowly, aligning our bodies. The box becomes irrelevant, my brain only registering how close she is to me. How good she smells. How amazing she feels.
“Crew,” she breathes, looking at me over her shoulder. “Not here. Ever’s just in the bathtub.”
I laugh and step back. “Not here what? I was just getting you this.” I sidestep her and grab the box off the shelf. She whips it out of my hand and shakes her head.
“You don’t play fair.”
“Me? Nah, I don’t play at all. I fight to win.”
Her eyes narrow. “Speaking of fighting . . .”
“Jules . . .”
“Crew.”
“I’d rather fight with you than love anyone else,” I grin.
“What’s going on? Really.”
I study her face, hoping I’ll see some chink in her armor. I know I’m going to have to discuss this with her sooner or later, but later always sounds better.
I sigh and lean against the counter. “I fight in a few weeks. I got a one fight contract with the NAFL. It’ll give us enough money for the therapy.”
Her face falls. “I got the mail today. I got denied the last loan I tried to take out.”
I grab her and pull her into me. “It’s fine. I got this taken care of. Just give me a little more time. Don’t get down about this yet. Ever’s doing fine so far. We just need to hold on a little longer.”
“I don’t want you to fight.”
I chuckle. “That sounds familiar.”
“I’ve never liked you fighting, Crew. But especially now.”
“You’re afraid I’ll get hurt? Because I won’t. I haven’t fought in a while, but I’ve been working the docks. That’s not pussy work.”
She lays her head against my chest. “I know. I just don’t want anything to happen to you.”
“Stop that. Nothing is gonna happen to me.”
“But what if it does? Not only will I lose you, but so will Ever. It just seems like such a risky idea. I know why you’re doing it and I can’t argue it, although I want to. The selfish part of me, the mom part of me, can’t say no to that. But Crew . . .”
I kiss the top of her head. “I’ve made two decisions. I’m fighting and you’re mine. So you don’t need to worry your pretty little head about either one of them.”
She wraps her arms around my waist and pulls me closer, then pushes me away just as quickly.
“What?”
“We can’t do this,” she hisses.
“Oh, Jules, we’ve already done this. I warned you.”
“No, Crew. This.” She takes a few steps back.
I hate the distance. Although it’s a couple of steps at best, it feels like a fucking mile compared to her being up against me and in my arms.
“This,” I reply, looking at the empty space between us, “is fucking stupid.”
“I told you I don’t want Everleigh to be suspicious. How would I ever explain this to her?”
My eyes instinctively roll. “Oh, I don’t know. That I’ve loved you my entire life?”
“Crew . . .”
“What do you want me to say?”
She turns her back to me and it amplifies my frustration. I fucking warned her! Less than twenty-four hours and she’s already done with me? Not happening.
“Look, I told you I’d give you space for this. And I will. But I’m telling you right now—”
“Are you arguing?” Her voice is small, yet it makes both of us jump. Our heads whip to the doorway to see Everleigh standing, purple towel wrapped around her, bald head shining, watching us.
Julia retreats from me, leaving me standing on my own. She goes to Ever and picks her up. “No, sweetheart. We aren’t arguing.”
“Good,” she says. She looks at me. “Families don’t argue.”
I laugh. “Sometimes they do, monkey. But we weren’t arguing.”
She twists her face, like she’s considering I’m lying to her. It makes me laugh.
“What? You think I’m kiddin’ ya?”
“Well, Mommy and I argued a little.”
“We did?” Jules looks at Ever, obviously confused. “When did we argue?”
“When you said Crew wasn’t my daddy.”
My jaw drops. I’m abso-fucking-lutely certain I heard that wrong. I had to have.
She’s watching me carefully while Jules watches her. “Are you?” she asks me. Her little eyes are wide, full of some emotion I can’t pinpoint. They’re bright, completely clear, and they remind me of her dad. And that isn’t me.
I plaster on a smile. “No, monkey. I’m not your daddy.”
Her bottom lip trembles and it breaks my heart. “But I don’t have a daddy.”
“Oh, baby, you do,” Jules says, her eyes filling with tears. “He’s just in heaven.”
“I know that. I know my daddy is in heaven right now. But I don’t have a daddy here.” She looks back to me. “Daddy’s protect the babies and the mommies. Daddy’s make sure there is food and they make sure everyone is happy. I learned that in school. We were talking about animals, but it’s the same thing.”
“Well—” Julia starts, but Ever cuts her off.
“But that’s what you do,” she says, ignoring her mother. “And I know you love me and my mommy. So why aren’t you my daddy? You don’t want to be my daddy?”
Julia gasps and I feel her gaze on me. But I don’t look at her. I just watch Ever.
I love this little girl with everything I am. I’d give anything for her, sacrifice it all to make sure she’s better off than I ever was. I will protect her and make sure she has food and that she’s happy. I twist my gaze to Julia. And I will do all those things for her, too.
I reach my arms out and Ever falls into them. I hold her in front of me. “Your daddy was my brother.”
“I know.”
“And he loved you more than anything in this entire world. Do you know that?”
“Yes.”
Julia is leaned against the wall, one hand over her heart. I know this is the bottom line for her. It’s important to her that Gage is always remembered by Everleigh, but hell, it’s important to me, too.
“I never want to take the place of him, Ever. Being someone’s daddy is a special thing. But I tell you what . . .” I look at Julia and her eyes grow wide. “I tell you what,” I repeat, looking back at Ever, “I promise you that I will always do all of those things for you. I’ll do any daddy thing you need me to and I’ll always protect you and make sure you have food.”
I hoist her over to my hip and touch her nose. “And I’ll always love you. And your Mommy, too.”
Ever’s head tilts to the side. “Told you,” she says to Julia.
Julia laughs, her eyes filling with tears. “You did,” she says, trying not to sound choked up but failing.
“So can I call you Daddy?” The hope in her voice breaks me in two. This
little girl can call me whatever she wants, although I’m nowhere good enough to have that title.
“If that makes you happy, monkey, I’d like that, I think.”
She wraps her arms around my neck and buries her head in my shoulder. “I love you,” she says, her little voice all muffled.
I rub her little head with my hand, my eyes glued to the woman standing before me. “I love you, too.”
CREW
“Get off your back!” Sal shouts. “Damn it, Crew! Get off your fucking back.”
I try to burst through my sparring partner, using my legs to kick him off. I roll onto the top of my back and shove off, sending Victor tumbling to the other side of the ring.
“That’s it. You gotta stay off your back, damn it. If you let Davidson get you on the mat, you’re gonna have a helluva fight on your hands.”
I hear him, but I’m not listening. I’m more concerned at the fucking moment with the fire burning through my upper back. It’s hot. It’s intense. And it hurts like a bitch.
“Gentry! You listening to me?”
“Yeah,” I say, trying to hide the pain from my voice. “Just taking a second.”
He releases a breath. “All right. Good workout tonight, boys. Tomorrow at six.”
“See ya tomorrow, Coach,” Victor says. “Later, Crew.”
I lift my hand a bit, barely off the mat, and feel the canvas dip as they both hop out of the ring. I open my eyes, sparkles dancing through my vision, flames dancing through my body.
Holy fuck.
The canvas dips again and Will bends beside me. “Hey. You all right?”
I groan. “Yeah.”
“You’re a liar, too. What happened?”
I struggle to sit up, the pain ripping through me as I move.
“What happened, man?” Will steps back as I stumble to my feet.
“Nothing. I’m fine.”
“You rolled up on your shoulder . . .”
“No shit.”
I amble out of the ring and Will grabs my bag. We head into the parking lot, the warm air wrapping around my body, taking the chill of the pain out of it.
“Crew, man, if you’ve hurt your spine again . . .”
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